Hello, everybody. Writing in from my ivory tower high on the hill, offering you my sincerest wishes for your good health and continued toil toward building a better future. I know shit is rough, and it’s only going to get rougher. Am I talking about real life or am I talking about homestuck? At the end of the day, does it even matter anymore? 

Let’s talk about Dirk. 

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Here we see Dirk engaging in a mode of behavior well-known to modern-day humanity: lying on the floor and just resting. Just doing some good self-care in the detritus of the former world. He looks like he might have tried to get underneath his kotatsu and given up halfway. I feel you, Strider, I really do. 

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And here we see Rose practicing social distancing. And by ‘social distancing’ I mean distancing herself from the potentially awkward social situation of your ecto-father throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave. So good on her. 

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Another relatable “mood” here. Dirk picking himself up from the floor and immediately logging on to speak to the manager. 

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When I was doing the panel descriptions for this chapter I think I said something like “one of those old-timey green lamps you see on desks in movies that you pull a cord on” and the artist knew exactly what I meant. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen one of these lamps in real life. Or maybe my parents had one when I was a kid. Memory sucks and doesn’t work. 

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We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter. If you’re asking are those Andrew’s actual hands, then no, of course not. Because those hands are fake hands that are on the computer screen.

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all. A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything. 

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From this discussion, it’s clear that Dirk and Hussie have at least a passing acquaintance with each other. Like the Director from Pesterqyest, Dirk is aware of him and the influence that he has on the story. He’s aware of there being a greater voice of authority above himself, although he doesn’t really seem to acknowledge it. He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character. 

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There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is—no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well…I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it—shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out. 

Also this section is obviously an allusion to the conversation between the author insert character and Caliborn, when Caliborn asks for help and is thoroughly owned. There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man? 

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself? 

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Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria? 

Is Rose and Jade having a secret child they hid from the rest of the friends for 15 years wild bullshit? Yes. Does that mean it would never happen? Probably not. 

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My favorite panel in the update—Dirk’s hand shaking above his gamer keyboard. Chin up, king, your headset is slipping. 

See you guys next month!