The good news is that Sollux is not a fusion, that is also the bad news.

I apologize beforehand for the shortness of this post, but I am somewhat justified by the fact that I won’t make you wait a month for the next one!! Or so I like to tell myself so that that I don’t feel guilty. I should be able to post next week! 

LIES. LIES AND SLENDER. TA said to talk about it with Terezi and get her to agree he did not suddenly declare Karkat the absolute leader 5evah, Karkat, you absolute little liar. Do not bend to this tomfoolery, Terezi!!!!!

He says as he clicks on the “Abort send” button of his 54 panels powerpoint about leadership and throws his twenty pages worth of notes about possible approaches to this argument with Terezi into the trash. He had studied for this. Stand in front of a mirror practicing his bossy voice and looks. He forgot Trollian never had videochat. It was useless.

Pesterlogs with Karkat have become my first source on Alien Anatomy. I believe he just told her …. that is all there is to “shit” on the matter???? What??? Is…. Is this a parallel to Dave’s “AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER” Which automatically means that there is a lot to say. I’m genuinely fucking confused.

B-But Terezi….. I want to back you up on this, I really do! But I just witnessed to you hurl a hanged puppet through your window while probably cackling like a maniac until you busted a lung and the only thing missing in the scene was a cat to pet evilly.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SAYING I HAVE REREAD THIS THREE TIMES I FUCKING GIVE UP I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES. Is he saying that he is up to her ass into melodrama?? I?????? What? Karkat, stop talking about Terezi’s gluteus muscles before you say something embarrassing, Freudian Slips are awaiting you just around the respite block’s corner.

Terezi, flirt harder, they haven’t hard you in the next galaxy. They have on Earth though, everyone is getting second-hand embarrassment. I have never sympathized so fervently with Karkat before. …In fact I have never sympathized with Karkat PERIOD. Girl, you made me sympathize with the little shit and nobody had ever accomplished such a fea— Oh, wait, John. John did. Congratulations to you both.

THIS IS THE GREATEST BURN IN THE WHOLE WEBCOMIC OF THE MAGNITUDE THAT NOT EVEN STANDING NEXT TO AN IMPLODING VOLCANO WOULD BURN YOU TO THIS DEGREE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE IT. IT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW.

I wanna return back in time to this moment when later on you end up staring wistfully to your Adam Sandler Poster while a big ass meteor is 30 seconds for your house just to spit in your face or something. Wreck your posters, maybe.

NO NO FUCK YOU TO THE NEXT PERIGEE WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT IMAGINARY I AM GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES WAIT YOU’RE NOT MAMMALS????? Of course not, I’m an idiot. Also none of you kids had to endure that at all, you came directly through Skaia Meteor Express.

…She’s going to wreck his hive, isn’t she? Karkat, please lock your Troll Equivalent for a bathroom beforehand. For no reason whatsoever. You will thank me later. You won’t end up answering the call of nature by the edge of a cliff nor absconding to the shower.

And it’s in moment like these that you remember that Terezi really is blind.

OH indeed. Hmm. So what…. would you call… a troll baby. Hmm. Yeah, you know what, I don’t look forward to that Ectobiology session anymore.

Less hair and more whine tho wait how in holy hell does she know—

Ah, yes. My bad. Suddenly everything is clear. *whispers* who/what’s a lusus

By who??? The fucking dwarfs in the forest?? Magical mystic creatures?? Ancient profecies?? Are you secretly the Chosen One?? The Girl Who Did Not Have A Lusus?? You don’t have parents, Terezi, who are you asking for permission?!

oh no. oh no, oh dammit. they are cute!

Karkat’s sarcams is so magnificent, it’s so dry. I love it. He should give GA some lessons. They would be the best snarkers. Also I fully expect Karkat to deliver all of the Wham Lines from now on.

Hey! It was a prophecy! Kinda! Maybe! Haha! Also congratulations you’re getting a Lusus real soon! Incredibly soon! About one hour kind of soon. The down side is that the world ends but who cares it kind of sucked, just bring you scalemates with you, you gonna be okay.

A’ight. Let’s see. It is a sentient being. It talks. Referred by it so not a person but neither an object. Dreams. Gotta get permission to “own” one. Pet?? Talking pet?? Not exactly. Animal companion?? Animal companion. Karkat’s crab? Karkat’s crab. Mystery solved. …I think.

I told you there were gnomes. THERE IT IS. THERE IT FUCKING IS. The way he goes “Terezi, we gotta get you out of the forest”, the way he goes “Gamzee, You gotta get rid of all those horns”, the way he goes “TA, are we still friends?”. Karkat Vantas, ladies and gentlemen, cares about his friends. A lot. LE GASP!! We never suspected a thing!! Please Karkat, you can go back to your hardcore tsundere act. We will never betray this secret. 

“OK WELL” Ok, well. You did not just “okay well” Terezi after such a proposal. She lives on a tree. A TREE. You would be alone, the two of you. Sitting. On a tree. C’mon, don’t make me spell it out. Get lip action. Mouth wrestle. Practice PDA. Smucker the pucker. Make FaceTime. I can go on but you don’t want me to.

Going… to fondle…. major…………….. seedflap?? Seed… flap? what. Karkat, for fuck’s sake, stop making me wonder if every body part you mention is. If it is. THIS IS NOT SEX ED 101 KARKAT

ABRUPT

Goddamn, Terezi, those walls were not your personal canvas. There is an actual accurate depiction of Karkat Vantas. What an artist that Terezi is. She caught him mid-scream.

What an eerie land. And yeah that is quite a lot of blood! *high fives past self* 

Land of Pulse and Haze is an incredibly fitting name!! Because Pulse goes with anger and also with blood itself and Haze would be the result of said anger that clouds the judgement and makes you mess up when you can’t think straight. So basically it is flaunting Karkat’s flaws. Wow. Rude.

And Jesus Christ those stairs don’t look navigable and if you fall you either get freaking impaled on one of those rocks or take a swim in blood. Disgusting. How dense is blood anyway. Would he even be able to float, let alone swim? Also disgusting. Did I mention that it would be disgusting??? Disgusting.

Further research (two minutes on google) show that it is actually possible to swim in blood! It would be kind of sickening (YOU DON’T SAY) and considering that blood is more viscous it would be harder to move, you would have to swim slow but it is also actually easier to float in blood! So yeah, overall, you could. But why would you want to??

RIGHT! Now that I’ve erased my fears of Karkat drowning into blood, I can go on! 

Oh!! And we cannot overlook the most important detail!! We got ourselves a sweet second knight. Actual canon requisites to be a Knight seem to be: being a huge dork; being crappy at expressing feelings in a healthy way; and pretend badly to be a person that you aren’t really. Mmhh. Gotta see if I can find any other similarities.

Sickle and Will Smith poster, I bet.

That is the exact same face that John made while brandishing his wrinklefucker. You don’t look any less constipated than he did. Sorry, buddy.

OH MY FUCKING GOD TEREZI NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN NOR THE TOILET

Okay but why do they use the slime sopor in the toilet. Isn’t its purpose to soothe and stuff?? Is it just in case they fall asleep on it or something. Wow

Not really. :(

Do you want to seriously KO her because that sure seems to be your purpose. …………I just realized that Terezi’s greatest weakness is her nose. It’s her Achilles Heel. Terezis Nose.Holy crap. Just punch her on the nose and she is out of the picture! Because if it gets clogged up with blood she cannot see shit! Oh dear, imagine in the heat of the battle getting clobbered in the face, Terezi stumbling around like some sort of zombie screaming like a bashee “1 C4NT  FUCK1NG S33!!” AND EVERYBODY IS JUST REALLY CONFUSED AND GOES “YEAH?? AND YOU LOVE JUSTICE AND LICKING RED SURFACES WHAT ELSE IS NEW” I’m actually genuinely  worried about this, I want Terezi to wear an helmet. I demand it. This is ridiculous enough that it could totally happen in this webcomic.

I JUST DID THIS INCREDIBLE SPIT TAKE???? TEREZI IS NOBILITY????? IF TEREZI WHO LIVES ON A TREE AND SURVIVES ON CHALK STASHES IS NOBILITY THEN WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS KAR—

YEAH WTF STOP READING MY MIND THO IT’S CREEPY

TEREZI THAT SOUNDED BAD

DEATH THREATS LEVEL OF BAD

I wonder if it’s actually bad etiquette to just directly ask a troll about their blood colour or this is just Karkat being Karkat. Then again he knows that she is blue blooded so. Well he sure as hell doesn’t have blue blood as fun as that would have been. I would have loved it. Red seems too obvious. And Terezi would have figured it out. Which makes me think that the blood on the land is actually not troll blood. Carapacian blood, most probably. She wouldn’t have recognized it as such. Welp, looks like we will have to wait till Terezi throws that mean right punch in his face after all. Either that or she manages to make him blush madly! >;]  >;]

What is with her obsession with blood, you mean!! Listen, I’m not implying anything, nor will I waste time repeating myself again, but just saying you might want to wear a turtleneck while you are around her, carry some garlic on you, maybe bring a crucifix……. NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.

I’m pretty sure he is just jealous of her incredible talent. Also Karkat has killed all the imps on sight?? Is that why there weren’t any?? I thought they had all drowned themselves after Karkat began screaming and ranting. Like sailors would do with a mermaid’s singing voice…. I just imagined Karkat as a mermaid. Why do I keep doing this to myself.

Yeah, see. This is a more reasonable approach to flirting, Terezi. Because when you praise him like before you come off too strong and he thinks you are faking it or you are making fun of him because even though he likes to pretend he is this infallible badass fighter but he knows he really isn’t! So keep it up that way so that I don’t groan next time you type a heart and send it to the boy! And don’t exaggerate on the “you’re so cute” thing either! He would end up thinking you don’t think take him seriously. Basically what I’m saying is that you can’t do much if he doesn’t trust you because he is always on the defensive! 

Why did I just lose a paragraph discussing the best way to flirt with a character. The world may never know. I don’t even know.

The denial runs deep.

OH DEAR FUCKING FUCK

ARE YOU SERIOUS

HIS ENTRY WAS SO FAST THAT HE DIDN’T EVEN MANAGE TO SEE THE METEOR????

GODDAMN

Hit and sunk!!! …Is that… not what we were doing?? Sorry, it’s just a bunch of letters and numbers when I don’t remember the chumhandles. Well, TA is our hacker nerd. That I remember.

OH GOD THE FROGS HAVE RETURNED
AND THEY ARE EVEN STRONGER
MAY THEY BE DAMNED

WHY HELLO you mysterious floating glowy lady in desperate need of a change of clotHES HOLY SHIT IT’S THE ARIES TROLL!!! OH MY!!! ARIES TROLL ARIES TROLL ARIES TROLL

Did you lose your eyes in the big war. I love how she carefully applied mascara even though she doesn’t have pupils.

YEAAAAAAHH SCREW FROGS!!! …Wait, don’t screw frogs actually, that’s unhygienic, you don’t know where those frogs have been. In a pond, most probably.
And as much as I approve of this decision I must inform you that desecrating frogs comes with 413 years, 4 months and 13 days of bad luck!!

She is really rocking that Rose parallel, isnt she?? Flying and all. Apparently the less damns you give about the consequences of your actions, the easier it is to lift from the ground. Uuuuuhhh, I may understand from where that feeling comes from but it usually comes AFTER one enters the game. The whole everything has a reason bluh bluh bluh bullshit.

WHAT ARE THOSE
OW MY EYES MY POOR EYES WHAT ARE THOSE SERIOUSLY I AM NOT EVEN MEMEING AT THIS POINT WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES

Code Red, we have a Code Red. Vertically striped…. black and blue pants… on … Oh god, I can’t even say it…  striped purple and cerulean shoes….. THE HORROR. Fashion lovers everywhere, forgive this young troll, for they do not know what they are doing… This requires an immediate fashion makeover. Before my eyes start to bleed, I mean.

GAMZEE’S FAYGO WENT ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE OCEAN I CANNOT BELIEVE

Miracles everywhere

Welp, and the way you word that reprimand makes me think I am in the presence of a proud sea dweller, am I right or am I right?? I apologize beforehand because I kind of thought you guys were sea monsters at first. Monster or not your color choices are terrifying, I must say.  Also you don’t actually live underwater, obviously. Not when you wear long pants and shoes. So where does the name come from??

So many questions that could be answered in the next page while instead I keep blabbering!

Or not. Sea you later, Aquarius troll! Get changed before I’m back!!

I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING NOTICE IT OH DEAR

Well, it happened after he entered the Medium for sure, because Terezi had painted over it.

…It would have been. 

How the fuck did Karkat survive the explosion anyway??? Whatever. Seriously why tell me beforehand.

HOLY SHIT THAT THING IS HUGE

I am. I. feel so fucking cheated. I thought that the custodian would be his parental figure. But. The crab is the parental figure. So. Where does that put his parents. Which he has gotta have.

That’s not even true, not actually a lie, it’s just what Karkat thinks but guess what?? Surprise, ECTOBIOLOGY!! Can’t do ectobiology without parents. And also he said so himself to John. That he cloned his parents. So, there…

THAT IS DISGUSTING AND I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT  AND A PAIL SERIOUSLY LIKE HOW MUCH OOOOOOH MY GOD NOT THINKING ABOUT IT NOOOOPE I AM WONDERING ABOUT THINGS I REALLY SHOULD NOT BE WONDERING ABOUT AND I GOTTA STOP

…….ALTHOUGH LET ME JUST SAY THAT THE WHOLE SYSTEM REALLY BELITTLES THE IMPORTANCE OF THE ACT ITSELF WHEN IT JUST BECOMES ANOTHER WAY TO SERVE THE EMPIRE AND ANOTHER OBLIGATION TO FULFILL SERIOUSLY THAT’S SICK NOW I WON’T THINK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN

And the trolls did not have any kind of contact with the Mother Grub nor did they go through any kind of trial, right??

Or did they?! This is confusing! They got on Alternia through meteors so there is no way they ended up in the caverns, they must have pupated elsewhere. And then their lusus found them.

And Terezi seems to be in contact with hers on a regular basis even though they don’t live together. Because she is not allowed to. By the bark gnomes in the forest, most probably.

Also must admit that the bond between trolls and their lusus is kind of sweet?? You know, they resurface together and start a new life on the planet together supporting each other. Like a symbiotic bond. And there is also the fact that the lusus chooses one troll specifically among hundred of thousands. That’s kinda heartwarming.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICKITY FRACK. WHO HANDLES POLITICS AND JUSTICE AND HEALTHCARE AND ALL THAT STUFF?? SERIOUSLY?? ARE YOU SAYING THAT ALTERNIA IS A HUGE FUCKING PLAYGROUND

!!!!!!!!!

IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS

ALAS IT WAS NOT

*takes out block-notes* It seems common for Knights to defy any kind of physic law especially while they fight.

Karkat, your actions say “FIGHT” but your heart plus that drawing by the fridge say “I <3 MY CRABBY LUSUS” and there is no mistaking it.

HIS EYES ARE ACTUALLY RED AND BLUE WTF

What if he wore the glasses the other way around?? Would he still see or are those actually corrective lenses??

I feel like I will be groaning real soon.

AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAHHHHH

Bees!!! Bee. Bi. 2. BRB GONNA PUNCH A WALL

How do you even sleep at night with one hundred bees as roommates, the buzzing must be unreal. PLOT TWIST the “things he hears at night” and that haunt him are actually just the bees but Karkat has never bothered actually asking because he is easily spooked so he just went on assuming they were angry spirits for years, there, another mystery solved!

There’s this pretty cool dude, ok? Some people seem to think he’s cool. Sometimes. He guesses they’re right. I mean, maybe. If they say so. Actually, you know what? They’re right.

……you okay, dude? We can come back later when you feel really up for this. No worries. It’s okay, everyone feels a little confused at times, just sort out your thoughts and stuff. Make up your mind about things.

This guy’s dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters. Anyway, he’s standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes, when they’re not moping around or nursing migraines or whatever.

I’m guessing those are mutant brain related, huh. Ouch.

A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. Or at least a name that doesn’t completely fucking suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belongs to someone you’d want to just perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that makes you cringe a little, but you guess you can deal with it if you’ve got to. It’s just a guy’s name, it’s not like it really matters. Who cares?

NOT ME, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WITHIN THE YEAR THANK YOU VERY MUCH

But he probably wouldn’t just tell you what it was if you asked. He’d be way too moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thinks you’ve got some attitude and probably doesn’t want a damn thing to do with you.

You could always try to guess his name. But instead of that, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you just fuck off and go to hell?

Here, name this kooky broad instead.

WOW MOOD SWINGS AHOY HOLY CRAP YEAH SEE YOU LATER DUDE TAKE A NAP IN THE MEANWHILE

WHAT THE FUCK

OKAY CAT ROLEPLAYER

THE ADORABLE ONE

THE ONE WHO BLOWS KISSES

THE ONE WHO IS SURROUNDED BY THE BLOOD OF HER VICTIMS HOLY SHIT

OKAY

OKAY OKAY NO I’M READY SHE HAUNTS FOR EATING RIGHT?

THE FUCK IS ON THE WALLS OF THE CAVE???

OH THANK GOD— …I mean…. It was a pleasure meeting you!! Brief but intense!! Ha ha!! But mostly intense!! See ya neve— LATER! I MEANT LATER!!! 

I could be reading this tremendously wrong but it seems to me that the cool and moody dude may be suffering of bipolar disorder?? There is the fact that duality is his whole theme and also that the mood swings are mostly related to how he feels about himself. Like he goes from being like “I AM THE HOT SHIT” to “I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING” in less than one paragraph. And I feel like it’s a little more serious than just a front of fake self confidence that sometimes crumbles. Than again, I’m no expert on the subject.

Yeah, see his recuperacoon. My sixth sense screams at me “FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS A FUSION ALL ALONG!!!” my brain idly comments that he just alternates from the blue to the red slime depending on his mood. Brain is boring.

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR.

You are apeshit bananas at computers, and you know ALL THE CODES. All of them. You are the unchallenged authority on APICULTURE NETWORKING. And though all your friends recognize your unparalleled achievements as a TOTALLY SICK HACKER, you feel like you could be better. It’s one of a number of things you SORT OF BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT for NO VERY GOOD REASON

SEE???? THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABO—

during sporadic and debilitating BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS.

OH. I kind of really doubt Alternia really cares about mental illness, what with the whole survival of the fittest philosophy. He probably woudn’t even know why he feels that way. 

You have a penchant for BIFURCATION, in logic and in life. Your mutant mind is hounded by the psychic screams of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED.

THE END OF THE WORLD IS DUE IN LIKE TWO HOURS HOW HAS HIS BRAIN NOT IMPLODED YET

Your visions foretell of the planet’s looming annihilation, and yet unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, you are gifted with VISION TWOFOLD.

For now.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

WOW WOW SERIOUSLY HE LEADS A MAGNIFICENT LIFE

WANNA KICK HIM IN THE NOOK JUST FOR FUN TOO??

You have developed a new game, adapted via CODE PARSED FROM THE RUNES AND GLYPHS IN AN ANCIENT UNDERGROUND TEMPLE. You believe this game to be THE SALVATION OF YOUR RACE, though you are not sure how yet. To ensure success, you will distribute the game to two teams of friends, a RED TEAM and a BLUE TEAM. You will lead the latter group. Your trolltag is twinArmageddons and you tend two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.

Oh. So that’s why they are playing in two teams! To increase the rate of success. So that if one team does not succeed there is still the other one. The important thing is saving the race, after all. Soooooo is AA ever gonna tell him that half of what he knows about Sburb is utter bullshit or what. I have a feeling that she totally knows what’s up.

DUUUUDEEE I DON’T KNOW IF THE MUTANT IS WORTH IT BUT THAT SURE IS SOME RAD ABILITY THAT YOU’VE GOT

NOW IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY CAREFUL AND DID NOT ALMOST KILL YOURSELF WHILE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR POWERS THAT WOULD BE GREAT

………..

…………………Sollux I’m going to punch a bee, and I won’t stop at only one. I will punch them all. All of your beloved bees. Can you hear them buzzing? Yeah? Well, it really comes from your the inside of your head because they just joined the voices of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED. I don’t give a fuck, never make me read something like THIS ever again, Sollux.

FINE!!!!!! You are on a low calories diet, sheesh. Jesus, what did the poor honey even do to you? You are looking at it like it slaughtered your whole family. …Your whole lusus…? Your lusus whole. WHATEVS.

Do I even want to know?

Spoilers: Absolutely fucking not.

hALF OF THE TIME??? ba dum tss ;D

What?!? I’m paying him back for the beenary joke! 

Yeaaaaahhh, good luck with that—

……… “iit iis ii, the bee2 whii2per, 2ollux”

So would you like to make me a little list of all your superpowers, Mister Captor? Just so I don’t end up staring like a moron next time?? That would be neat. What’s next?? Flying?? Read minds?? Shoot laser beams?? No seriously, do tell me.

OOOOOH, this is a conversation that I was definitely looking forward to!

…Was Karkat seriously the only fucker that knew absolutely nothing about this?? Seriously, even Gamzee knew, he heard about it between one sopor pie and his seventh bottle of Faygo, I’m effing serious, the gnomes of the fucking forest knew, Lemonsnout also knew, bless his corrupt soul.

And that’s actually true because never has her blindness felt like a disadvantage with this girl, and not in the way that you would forget about it, because it is strongly tied to her personality and it is a huge part of what she is. I don’t really know how to explain it?? Meh.

I am sure those were really inspiring words but I kind of lost the thread of this one at hoofbeast, sorry.

Sometime later, that night:

GC: SOLLUX STOP DY1NG ALR34DY

TA *glaring in annoyance*: you know what? ii am goiing to 2tart dyiing even harder!

Seriously, how do you die MORE than someone else?? He’s not a Time player, so it cannot be referring to his copies from other timelines. And I guess everybody has died one time already. Their dreamselves are all dead. On the other end I feel like if he was going to die for good the author wouldn’t be announcing it so there is probably some sort of… plot…… loophole?? Yeah, I have no idea if you hadn’t guessed.

Yeeeah, you keep that up, that whole “>:?” thing, keep playing dumb, but I took note of it! And I’m gonna file it down under things that ABSOLUTELY won’t be relevant ever again. Ha! That was sarcasm, by the way. It’s totally gonna be relevant! …Unless it’s a reference to something I know nothing about. That’s. A possibility. A very real possibility. Damn.

Sollux, that is the gentlest Terezi has ever been to anyone, I’ve never seen her being so considerate while not also trying to get on someone’s good side, she didn’t even mention blood once in the conversation!! She is probably straining to be this kind. ….Someone stop her before she hurts herself…

*COUGH* FUCKING DORKS *COUGH*

Well, I guess overall they have quite the sweet friendship…. The only actually sweet troll friendship so far. And I also guess I am stopping for now!