Let’s just incinerate all the puppets in the webcomic, I say.

Yesterday the Caps Lock on my pc got stuck while I was in a group chat. I had to type in all caps for about ten minutes. It was like an immersive experience in the angry, messy mind of CG. You know what, it was actually kind of cathartic, writing like that. Like an outlet for every frustration. I kind of feel closer to the guy now. 9/10 would do again. The missing 1 is because I had to keep reassuring everyone that No, I’m not going crazy and No, I don’t need to lay down and No, I’m not this enthusiastic about tomorrow math test, IT’S MY COMPUTER’S FAULT DAMMIT. Anyway, back to liveblogging. Also Tumblr won’t let me insert screenshots under the read more, so bear with me.

It’s a window. Look, I can tell windows from walls and that is a window, believe me. Yup, here it is. Although I would prefer getting a look to the surrounding, and not only the wall itself. It had been stolen from Jack a long time ago, or so he said. Also by now that wall should be smashed in tiny little pieces given the amount of abuse it has received from our Jade Harley.

HOO HOO HOO. Mr. Hussie, what a pleasure. You choose to join us. …Now, I do believe we had a score to settle. cracks knuckles a bunch of gangsters shows up behind me How should I put this now, huh? I think the proper way to word this is… WERE MAKING THIS HAPPEN. And by this I mean you begging for mercy on the ground. You don’t get away with killing those poor kids off! Alt timeline or not!

Beating up the author aside, This is slightly too meta for me. And self-insertion is always bad. Didn’t you ever stumble on those quality (citation necessary) writing tips blogs?? It always ends up with Mary Sues and Gary Stues. Well, not really always. I remember during one chilly morning scrolling through the whole AO3 website and stumbling upon the only good self-insert fanfiction I’ve ever read. There was a male self-insert and he wasn’t Gary Stuish, he didn’t even ship himself with the hottest lady and that in itself is a miracle. Well, he had superpowers and it came up that he was also dead all along but… What? I read weird fanfictions, okay?? I can also stomach things you can’t even fathom, I read all of My Immortal in one sitting. Try to beat that. …I lost brain cells that day. Moving on. Why do I always end up rambling????

…D-don’t look at me like that. And pretty sure an human neck can’t bend like that. He has a nice study tho. And nice… painting… on the fireplace, yeah. Got a good taste.

What? 
Oh hell no. This is always such a terrible idea. Leave me alone.

He knows. Well, of course he does. I guess he is going to do it anyway and still make it sound like good writing. For the irony. And because I can just tell that from what I’ve seen so far that he likes proving people wrong.

BACK OFF. YOU PUPIL-LESS WORKAHOLIC. Thousands of pages and several flashes in only one year! You need a break, mister!! Or at least… you needed it at the time.

You really wish your side of the wall had an off switch. 
Which is to say, I really wish my side of the wall had an off switch.

Look, if you’re gonna be rude and shut the wall down in my face, I can just get back to the story. I did not CHOSE to spy on you. I sadly can’t command the narrative otherwise we would have already met all of the trolls and began to at least chat with the eight players session. You know those kids that probably are on Earth?? And Earth is ending soon?? And yet we haven’t heard a peep from them?? I say let's stop the dilly dallying and let’s get them in the game too.

> AH: Forget it. Go back to work. 

Dear suggestions supplier, that was rude. Don’t boss the author around like that.

Okay but if he is white and he draws himself like that, why are the kids colorless?? Their skin, I mean. What does that mean. Are they ghosts or something. An alien race disturbingly similar to our own. That only has one guardian instead of a whole family. Yes, that must be it.

Ok. You’re just going to ask me to recap Homestuck though. I don’t know why you’d want to sit there and watch me type. 

This is going to be pretty long.

No but. It depends by how much information you wanna include. Could be really short. There are four human kids that play a game and bring about the apocalypse. They have some peculiar family situations. They are also all nerds. They are gonna fuck some shit up and end up screwing over an alien race which will decide that making Pesterchum accounts and troll them is obviously the best course of action. There, done.

Well, I’d say that I remember all the relevant things but a recap surely can’t hurt. Plus he bothered writing this freaking poem of a recap, I might as well give it justice and read it.

Homestuck began on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert. Three days prior was supposed to be the day he received the Sburb Beta in the mail, but it was running late. It showed up later that afternoon, and after overcoming a variety of domestic adversities, heretrieved the game, along with a birthday package from his internet friend, Dave Strider. 

Ah, the good ol’ times. It took exactly ONE HUNDRED PAGES for John to get that Beta. Now in twenty pages we kill off half of the players, prototype the unnameable puppet abomination, go back in time, bring everyone back to life and get Davesprite as a bonus. Oh, and let’s not forget staphappy archagents rising to power.

Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite’s kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. 

Ooohh. Oh, but wait! I hadn’t got this! First-tier prototyping does not affect the enemies because it’s the first, but because it happens before you enter The Medium! Before the kernel hatches! So if you prototype two times before entering the enemies will also bear the likeness of the second item/your own self/deceased pet/demonic puppet of choice/ that you put in the Kernel! 

The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. 

Remember John’s first strife that didn’t involve cake to the face? When he passed out before he even began fighting?? Well, to be fair maybe it was from the sheer horror since the malevolent imp did take his Con-Air bunny in hostage. You know what? I’ve even got the link right here, I’m gonna replay it, that was amazing. Short but sweet. BRB. ….It’s still just as amazing.

After entering the Medium, John’s dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the spritewith his grandmother’s ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about aneternal/timeless war fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose. 

TEMPORARILY!!! And I’m suddenly very glad that the ashes incident happened after entering. Imps with Nanna’s face, yuck.

Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect on the enemies once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. 

Do you think we’re going to see all the possible combinations.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:
- Both before
- One before, one after
- Both after
- Only one, either before or after
- None

HHHHHMMMM, Both before. The Rose way. Well, your enemies get two upgrades instead of one, doesn’t really have any other consequences if you do not prototype your dead grandparents. (…*glares at Jade* You got this, missy?) One before, one after. John and Dave did it this way. Which is… the classic way?? The less troublesome. Both after. Well, you get an handy guide but you’re still kinda fucked. I mean… royally fucked. I think that not prototyping before entering does not make the war start?? If there is no war there is nothing to win and then you’re just stuck in The Medium with no purpose. Forever. Wow, Rose and her FAQ could really have fucked someone over when she advised to ignore the sprite altogether before entering. Only one, either before or after. I don’t see what’s the point of only prototyping one time?? Maybe if you prototype only one time with a sentient being before entering?? The unlucky crow that Dave impaled did not talk though. So if you want to make things harder because you’re some kind of sadist and embark on your quest without any idea of what you have to do, help yourself. None. That’s basically the same as the third option, only in the latter you decide you want a sprite for company after realizing that you’re never going to win anyway?? Look, it seems stupid not to prototype anything, but think about it. Why in the heck would you throw something in the glowy floating thing that is a Vanilla Sprite, freshly out of the Cruxtruder?? John only did it thanks to Rose and FAQs written by other users. If you don’t look up for instruction what would prompt you to prototype in the first place?? You don’t even know what prototyping means!! This game fucking sucks, honestly. The great majority of the players probably didn’t prototype a thing and is now stuck in The Medium forever. ……..Guys, I’ve reached a new low. I’M GETTING SAD ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT EVEN EXIST IN THE STORY!! THE FUCK??!?!?!

From the house, Rose’s mom opened a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage lead to the lab next door, where Rose found a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found alittle girl’s room, a mutant kitten she named Vodka Mutini, and a cloning machine operating through the science of ectobiology.

Okaaaaaaaay. So since John is somehow ending up in The Veil sometime soonish, and CG said there are all kinds of labs and staff there, I may as well divulge what I think about the purpose of Ectobiology?? So as I said, I don’t think it will be used only one time but multiple ones for different purposes. There is Rose’s quest. And I do think that she will need ectobiology to complete it. But there is also the question of what John is going to do. The one true ectobiologist. And I was thinking about it right after I finished the Intermission that made me think about time travel, alternate selves and paradoxes, right?? And it is a bit far fetched maybe but what about the kids’ dreamselves?? To actually clone something/someone through ectobiology without it resulting into a paradox you have to clone something that is already exiting and has already been cloned. And they have already been under our very eyes! Clones that have been existing all along, the kids’ dreamselves! We clone the kids and send them back through time on Prospit and Derse where they grow up along with the real version of the kids! Huh?? You know, that does makes sense. I thought I wwas rambling. Clones do not just pop out of nowhere. They gotta have an origin. 

The meteor left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The “cork” of that bottle was a large metal cylinder with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety of devices and monitors inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond walked through the desert and discovered this station.

Of course four hundreds years would turn out to be exactly 413 years. That makes it the year 422, amirite?? So after the Reckoning the exiles were sent in the future and teleported on Earth. Or what was left of it. Now the question still standing is why? I was fairly convinced that it was because they would refuse to fight but?? Now the Queen is an Exile?? And I don’t know what to think. Plus you would think that PM could as well be considered exonerated by any kind of fight given the importance of the journey she is about to undertake. And still I doubt she didn’t encounter any enemy. She was pretty swift with her sword when attacking AR. And *who* would exile them? Jack? It makes sense since he is now the monarch but why do I get the feeling that he wouldn’t really give a shit?? He would just kill them if they got in his way. So basically I’m back at square one?? I DON’T GET IT. I feel like I’m missing something obvious. I hate it when that happens. 

He also activated a countdown in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated “home” coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John’s meteor, on the other side of the continent. John’s meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station.

Also I had kind of totally missed the fact that WV station was the cork of the bottle. The White Queen came out of a giant egg, Dave’s entry item, and PM out of an “apple”, John’s entry item, that transformed into an helicopter. Guess who is left? But why, AR’s station, we never even got a glimpse of it. Why, you ask? We would get to make hypothesis about Jade’s enter item! Jade’s! Now we can’t have that! Everything regarding her as to be shrouded in mystery! :O!! :O!!! 

After WV flew overhead, PM activated her station’s homing feature as well, which caused it to fly to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium.

WHAT WGAT WHAT WHAT. From when she was in The Medium?!? THE FUCK. TO THE HELL WITH SHROUDED IN MYSTERY THIS IS JUST ME BEING AS BLIND AS GC GIMME A PAIR OF THOSE COOL RED SHADES BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK

How did I miss this?!? IT WAS FUCKING SNOWING?!??,??? HOW DID I MISS THAT?!??? WHAT THE SHIT. I’M A SHAM. DID I COMPLETELY FUCKING OVERLOOK THIS?? WAS I DRUNK WHILE READING THIS?? WHAT?? THIS MUST BE SOME RETCON SHIT I SWEAR I HAVE TO CHECK BACK 

YEAH??? YEAH??? REALLY??? GADGETS???? ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS GOING TO GET INCINIATED BYY NUCLEAR ENERGY OR SOMETHINGAND WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING THE SNOW HOW DO YOU MISS THE SNOW ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND—…….. Did I just start dissing on my own self in second person. Did I. Holy shit. I did. I’m going to take a break and drink something.

Ahem. Yes. I’m calm now. I’m back. There apparently is a lot of snow on Jade’s Land. More like a gigantic storm. That I somehow missed. Because I was probably high while I liveblogged that section. But it’s okay. I also called what looks like the imminent explosion of Jade’s Land “gadgets”. But it’s okay. It’s chill. Awesome. And that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade’s radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged from this crater as well. 

That’s the best description of Becquerel that I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

Jade's grandpa pioneered this island, and built the house Jade lives in. Her grandpa has been dead for many years, and stands stuffed in front of the fireplace. She has been looked after by her dog who she calls Bec. She begins the day with several tasksto accomplish - to feed Bec, and to retrieve a birthday packagemailed by John. She irradiates a steak, and heads outside to thesite where the package will be dropped. She knows it will be dropped there because one of the reminders she wears on her fingers jogs her memory about it. She wears them to keep track of the many things she knows about the future, through dreams. 

She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a “dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential.” When Prospit’s mooneclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn’t. When she wakes up, she pieces together future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming. 

Prospit's moon has two towers of identical design, and similar design to Jade’s house. Dream Jade lives in one tower. Dream Johnlives in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade’s birthday package months ago. 

Yeah, but get a load of this. It’s surreal. Make someone who doesn’t even know what Homestuck is read this. It’s surreal. But once you get to this point you don’t notice all of the bullshit that happens in this webcomic and how complicated it all is. You just take it in stride, shrug and move on. …You were expecting me to actually give intelligent commentary on this so you read all that, right? That’s… I’m sorry.

John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13thbirthdays were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose).

How did I not notice the 413. Just how many things did I even miss.

AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork.

FENESTRATED WALL PORTALS. Okay, Hussie, just admit you wanted to make them windows in the beginning and then opted for walls to make The Fourth Wall Joke. C'mon. And they’re are portals?? That’s amazing, other things I overlooked. 

Long before John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistently trolling them, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids’ game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well. 

Long before link brings you back to months before. Well, it’s nice to have some kind of time reference. Wait. Wait. And only Jade fucks up?? Only Jade now?? Then what was AT going on about when he was talking to Dave. WHATEVER. Also kudos to Jade, wow.

The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they’re doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids’ timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids’ timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can’t change the outcome of the kids’ actions. 

Because it has actually already happened from their prospective, right? And they’ve completed the session with unknown results? Excuse me, but hiding in The Veil with their butt on a meteor doesn’t sound like winning to me. That’s some strange way to celebrate.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group’s trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John’s, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG’s session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three other agents were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls’ dead planet. Another difference in the trolls’ session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault. 

And also established the most foreshadowy blatant parallel in the history of parallels. That I. Again. Missed.

Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she’s in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened. 

I’ve got only one decent theory left that I’m really convinced of and that is Jade’s death so if you want to disprove that too, pointing out blatant things that I missed like dreambots having a selfdestructive function or something, do it now and let’s not speak about it ever again. Can’t get any worse. Sorry, I’m whining but I thought I was actually understanding pretty much everything and instead?? It turns out that I really do not?? Ugh.

After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she’d need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied “Meow.” She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up. 

FUCKING BLESS LOOK AN ACTUAL THING THAT I GOT RIGHT GENETIC CODE AND ROSE MISINTERPRETING WOW JUST LET ME GET THE CHAMPAG— Okaaaaaaaaay. Stop whining, I get it.

Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. 

You mean… yet unseen. Because I’m not moving until I get that flash.

He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now. 

And then after that you started watching me type in this ridiculous study I photoshopped for myself with my cool horse painting propped up in the background.

Okay, this cheered me up. Thanks, Hussie. :’) 

OH MY GOD DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND CLICK ON THE COOL HORSE PAINTING LINK I BEG OF YOU.

READ THE WHOLE THING. DO IT. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. IF JUST TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THIS COMES FROM:

I thrash. My delirious convulsions become more pronounced. Feverish visions pester me, like an overzealous carnival employee lurking, poised to frighten in a shoddy haunted house. My breathing is heavy. “No… horse…” I say. “I can’t… linebacker…” I wheeze. At once I sit upright, and shout, “I will never own that painting of a horse attacking a champion of the gridiron!!!”

There was a voice. A rich, amber-throated sort of vocal honey.

“Yes you will.”

Cliffhanger!! :O Who was that?? Now you just have to read and find out.

> AH: I didn’t read any of that. Do something less boring. 

>  DEAR CASUAL READER: I read all of it and you need to shut up and learn to speak for yourself.

Agreed. That is not the face of a man who is okay. Guys, what did you do to him??!! And is that arm… Nah. Nope.

AAAGGGHHH!!! When you see something looking like the demonic puppet, just assume it really is the demonic puppet. It always is. Lurking in the background. Okay, I never thought I would utter these words but… Maybe Cal is worse than Squiddles. Maybe. Still I want a puppet like that one. I need it.

DON’T YOU TALK TO THE THING.

AH: Why don’t you keep drawing Homestuck or something.

Oh, but I don’t merely draw Homestuck… 

(Type “==>”, I am about to make a joke.)

Telling me beforehand kind of ruined it.

OH MY GOD MISTER YOU’RE NOT OKAY I’M PREPARING YOU A STRONG TEA GET SOME REST.

I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE’S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.

(DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) Yes, you’re good, I got it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be still reading. I make one tiny little complain and you go on full rant mode. ……You know, he sounds like a mix of Dave and CG. Oh, dear.

Plus this is not even a joke.And why the hell is PM not in this panel?!? I am going to rant now. Like she is the most important and courageous and noble exile. That kind of earns you a place in there.

So it ends just like this?? I thought it was going to be plot relevant in some twisted and incredibly meta way. Now it just seems silly. Moving on. Back to John and his incredibly dangerous piloting!!

NO. FUCK OFF. NOPE. GO AWAY.

The epic showdown. Goofy human nerd versus Goofy alien troll. Pssss, she has cooler glasses.

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file “LOW4SM4P.FL4” – 
EB: what’s this? 
GC: 1T’S YOUR WORLD M4P 
GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D 
GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3 

HOLY MACARONI. What does she think she is doing. Another map?!? Seriously?!? And what kind of file format is FL4. Or FLA, I guess.

EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i’m in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice! 
GC: JOHN PL34S3 
GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS 

……She wants to redeem her actions?? I… UGH. I genuinely wanted to like her?!? I really liked her in the very beginning?!? I mean, levels of GA liking. That is a lot. And then she goes and kills off everyone. But it wasn’t on purpose! But still she knew that something horrible might have happened! I feel so conflicted! I wanna give her another chance but I kind of really don’t want to at the same time?? Like I think about Dave and how she made him genuinely laugh for the first time in this comic, and after enduring that living hell for four months, through the power of incredibly shitty drawings, she should help him out with SBAHJ, and then I remember!! That she was the one that made him endure those four months in the first place!! I don’t know what to do!

GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU 

How awful on a scale from one to it haunts my sleep at night knowing that I killed someone. Let’s discuss it.

GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT >:[ 

Evidently not that much!!

EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him! 

Yes, John! I like this approach. Friends before trolls. >:D

GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3 
GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN??? 

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHH. MMMMMMMMMMMMHHH. Aren’t you the same who said, and I quote: “4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R ” Huh??? What happened to that??

EB: i don’t know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps! 

YES. THAT'S IT. Thank you, John.

GC: J3GUS JOHN 
EB: what? 
GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS 
GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON 
EB: you mean my earth jesus? 
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 
GC: DO 1 
EB: do you have a troll jegus? 
GC: JOHN 
GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS 
GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW 
EB: wow, really? 
EB: or is this a joke? 
GC: 1TS 4 JOK3 
GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S >:? 

That was a typo, GC. Jegus is nothing. JESUS, however, that is something AT really needs. Have you seen his downright NSFW raps?!? All that hornography should be illegal.

EB: well… 
EB: neither do i, i guess. 
EB: it’s pretty much not anything. 
GC: JOHN 
GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P????? 
GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST 
GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3 
GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND! 

AAAUUUGHHH!!! There you go! You goofy nerdy ex-murderous girl. Another chance! Just this one time! This is a golden opportunity! DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS. I will closely watch and judge your every move. Be fucking careful and consider yourself lucky.

GOOGLE LOWAS. I CANNOT. I JUST. NO.

JOHN H3RE 1S YOUR HOUS3. 1     
    CROPP3D THIS WORLD M4P FOR     
    YOU SO YOU C4N F1ND WH3R3      
    TO GO 343S1LY. FLY NORTH!!! >:]
    <- 4LSO H1 TH1S 1S M3          

(B) TH1S 1S TH3 S3COND G4T3!  
    GO 1N H3R3. 1 PROM1S3 YOU 
    WONT D13 TH1S T1M3. UNL3SS
    YOU SCR3W UP 4LL BY       
    YOURS3LF. >;]

STOP BEING ADORABLY ASSERTIVE GODDAMN. Umh. The gate is kind of far but then again he’s blasting through space on a rocket. What’s up with the purple spots?

That was ridiculously fast. He’s already there. How was he supposed to get up there to the gate without a rocket though???? Climbing?? Doubt he can climb anything beside his echeladder. And even then he has problems.

> John: Enter. 

………..I’M TRUSTING GC I’M TRUSTING GC I’M TRUSTING GC.

Maybe that would have worked out better if you didn’t add a caption that I read before even looking at the image.

WHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!! What??? Why does John’s Second Gate bring him to Rose’s Land???? OH GOD he’s gonna crash GC's prophecy is real she didn’t kill him but he’s gonna do it all on his own SEE JOHN YOU NEVER SHOULD UNDERESTIMATE THE WORDS OF A SEER. 

You know he dead. So John goes to Rose’s Land, huh? Is it because they have to collaborate on something???? Wow. Who would have ever thought. I never mentioned the possibility of two players working together to win their quests. I absolutely didn’t. Never saw it coming. Obviously. There never have been any theories about the possibility of this happening on this liveblog.

And apparently Dave has been pretty busy building up! He did a pretty neat job too! Rose could be already getting through her first gate if she wasn’t busy snoozing.

Perfect landing, John. 9/10. Didn’t even wake up Miss Sleeping Beauty.

ROSE, WAKE UP. TIME TO MEET ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IRL FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Despite the pandemonium of your entrance, Rose is still sound asleep. She must be really tuckered out! 

It looks like this little guy is awake and ready for action though. He is adorable. You decide to name him Dr. Meowgon Spengler.

John, Vodka Mutini already has an owner. …And so John and Rose fought to death over the custody of the little mutant cat. Mutation that John didn’t even notice.

This is the most ridiculous panel in Homestuck.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] – 

TG: wow ok 
TG: youre a little early 
TG: but thats fine i guess 
TG: also you suck at rockets 

Hehe, he knew John was on his way to Rose’s Land. Also, it’s not like he had practice with rockets! They don’t teach piloting in Nerd 101! 

EB: ARGH! 
TG: what 
EB: she tricked me again. 
TG: who 
EB: GC. 
EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate. 
EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose’s house instead. 
EB: another prank! 

No, John. You were SUPPOSED to come here. 

TG: dude you did go through the second gate 
TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again 
TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue 
TG: she didnt trick you this time 

I’m just gonna say that she really has a way with words. Also shush, I saw you getting all buddy buddy with her before.

EB: oh… 
EB: then, i don’t really get this. 
TG: what were you expecting 
TG: this is how it works 
TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing 
TG: cycling through each planet 
TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses 
TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet 
TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there 
TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house 
TG: and so on 
EB: wow, ok. 

OH MY GOSH. Everybody gets to go on everybody else’s lands!!!!! John, hurry up and get Jade in this game because she has to meet EVERYONE ASAP.

TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1 
TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously 
TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up 
TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death 
TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine 
TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing 
EB: ok… 
EB: how do you know all this? 
TG: fuck 
TG: come on dude 
EB: oh yeah… 
EB: you’re the orange dave. 
EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second? 

The real Dave?!?! Orange Dave?!? John, what the actual fuck!! what are you saying! Mr. “Orange Dave” saved your ungrateful ass from sure death! You would be bleeding on the ground of your Denizen’s palace if it wasn’t for him!! 

TG: god dammit 
TG: i am the real dave 
TG: you know the one who saved your life 
TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year 
TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass 
TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q 
TG: youre fucking welcome 
EB: wow, calm down! 
EB: i’m sorry, that’s not really what i meant… 

EB: i mean, of course you’re a real dave, but what i mean is… 
EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he’s in the same boat i’m in, not knowing stuff and all. 
EB: and i’d feel bad keeping him out of the loop! 

Yeah, not what he meant. He should put a sock in his mouth sometimes. John does not mean harm but… he is just really dense sometimes. At least Rose will understand him if she gets knowledge and memories from Alt!Rose. And of course Jade will be sympathetic because she kind of has been in the same situation. Losing someone she loved and thinking that things would never be okay again. Of course she will understand. So the butt of the situation here is John.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] – 

TG: yo 
EB: oh, hey. 
EB: i think i pissed off your future self. 
TG: what did you do 
EB: i said he wasn’t the real dave. 
TG: ahahahahaha 
EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! 
TG: pff 
TG: dont worry about it 
EB: why not? 
TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit 
TG: and hes me 

I take back what I said. Dave is the butt of the situation. They may essentially the same person but they have had different experiences. Going through things like the ones Davesprite has gone through changes a person. So to sum it up: Dave, shut the fuck up, you don’t understand.

TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer 
TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff 
TG: i mean thats what i would have done 
TG: if you were alive 

dON’T SAY THAT AAHHH. When will the pain end….

TG: so im gonna go 
TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something 
EB: sure! 
EB: hey dave… 
TG: what 
EB: in case i forgot to say so before… 
EB: thanks for saving my life! 
TG: yeah 

That does make things a tiny little bit better. Still I hope that Dave fully comes to terms with being a sprite. ç.ç

> John: Snoop. 

JOHN NO. What kind of man are you! DAD would be so ashamed of him if he could witness this.

WHAT’S UP WITH THE WEIRDASS SNOOP DOGG WATERMARKS IN THE PANELS.

Aww, he nudges her awake, he isn’t going to snoop! Unless… he’s checking that she’s passed out enough for him to snoop in peace. (◕︵◕) Also people usually go for the shoulder, not the head, John. And I see a very purple present peering out of a very purple package!!! :D

TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here 
TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up 

And of course Dave is always the one encouraging illicit conduct. BRO would be so proud of him if he could witness this.

EB: well, yeah, she won’t wake up. 
EB: so i guess so. 
EB: but i’m not snooping!!! 
TG: fine dont 
TG: but here just do this one thing 
TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you 
EB: yeah. 
EB: they look sorta like journals. 
EB: i don’t think i should read those! 
TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to 
TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for 
TG: just pick them up 
TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now 

Yeah, pick them up. Then open them and turn them toward the Sburb camera— I CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THIS DAVE. YOU READ LIKE A BOOK.

THE CHAPTA. JOHN NO. ….That was more ingenious than what I would have given Dave credit for.

TG: now i need you to do something else 
TG: this is important 
TG: like for important game reasons and stuff 
TG: take the card the books are on 
TG: flip it over 
EB: umm… 
TG: so you can see the code 
EB: wait a minute! 
EB: i see what you’re trying to do. 
EB: i won’t tell you the code for rose’s books! 

*bangs head on keyboard* DAMMIT JOHN HE CAN SEE YOU. Well, what is done is done. Why is Dave so interested in Rose’s wizard fanfictions anyway. He can find those on AO3. Those in the books are just the first draft.

TG: alright cool 
TG: you can ditch the books now if you want 
TG: maybe put them back on the floor 
TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping 
TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there 
TG: what is even with you 
EB: HAHA DAVE, 
EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD. 
TG: isnt that your birthday package there 
EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be. 
TG: maybe you should look at it 
TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours
EB: yeah, maybe. 
EB: i wonder if she finished… 
EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.

You know no shame, Dave. He even finds a diversion for John who has the attention span of a hyperactive squirrel. And its frontal teeth too.

GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT. That is violation of privacy, those are her journals. You should never read a 13 y/o girl journal, not only you can get seriously traumatized from the read (believe me, I speak from experience), but that’s just a dick move. Don’t be a dick, Dave. You won’t find any romantic love confession to you in there.

Rose! If she flies to his tower really fast and punches him in the face for being so rude he will wake up and regular Dave will fall asleep!! Snooping avoided!

Umh, did Hussie forget to draw her face or what. Told you he needed a break. That aside, cool pajamas. What is she doing. Dancing through the sky. Pulling ill moves. Having convulsions. Who knows.

Dave’s tower. It’s red inside. What a surprise. …What is she doing with that ball of yarn.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY IS CAL DOING WITH THOSE PAJAMAS. YOU’RE NOT A PLAYER CAL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW THE FUCK IS IT MOVING. NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, MOVING OR THE PAJAMAS. STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME. Isn’t Lil’ Cal in shreds right now tho? So is Dave dreaming of it? Dave, no.

What… is that thing…. in the corner….. I fear the things I will see on his walls. 

Pfffffftt. Rose, you majestic being, you. You know what’s beautiful about this? The fact that she was coming here with the intention of waking him up. So she looks around in her bedroom, thinking about how she is going to wake up the little prick, spots the ball of yarn and goes: “Yes, perfect. This shall do the trick.”

SNOOPING AVOIDED YOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HE IS AWAKE. Well, he already was but still.

“Surprise, bitch. You thought you had seen the last of me. Wanna wreck havoc on Derse together?” Kind of more fitting than you would think. Because Alt!Rose joined our Rose. Would you look at that smugness though. I don’t even think it is possible to get more smug than Rose Lalonde. 

Ooooooh, boooooyyyyy. That is worse than any DNA sequence or creepy clowns that you can scribble on your wall. 150% creepier.

You eye your birthday package again curiously. It’s awfully tempting to peek inside, but you feel guilty about it for some reason, even though it’s yours anyway. 

Because Rose was adamant in keeping it a secret. Because she said it was not finished. And because she has every intention of destroying John through the sheer power of…. Lo and Behold…. STRONG SENTIMENTAL VALUE!!! I don’t mind waiting to see what’s inside. Unlike Jade’s present, it’s not gonna make people explode. I mean… It’s made of yarn! Yarn is most of the time not deadly!

You suppose a perusal of her bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within is meant for everybody. 

Dave pesters you with the message, “TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” which you decide not to bother dignifying with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it’s probably just him being a truculent jackass again so screw him.

Pffft. He banged his head on the keyboard. Poor boy.

WHAT IS THIS. This is… not a really existing book, right? Please tell me it isn’t.

You captchalogue Rose’s autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES. Jewels of wisdom like this don’t just fall into your lap every day, and shouldn’t be parted with lightly. 

You doubt she’ll mind if you borrow her book. She’s always trying to get you to read her weird books anyway.

At least it’s not the Grimoire, John. At least it’s not the Grimoire.

You can’t take it anymore. You’re going to see what’s inside.

You lasted one minute and half, what the heck. Do as you wish but Rose won’t be pleased.

BUNNIES. OTHER BUNNIES. AAAAAWWWWWWW. It’s evidently not finished. But John will like it anyway because it’s a bunny.

John,

rOSE’S LETTER TO JOHN. BRING IT THE FUCK ON.

John, 

I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it’s the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless. 

Summing up: you sent me a present, words were not enough so I sent one to you.

The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn’t mean it that way. 

“I know” more like “Jade told me”. But the important thing is that she realized it in the end. :’)

In fact, I’m sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here. 

ROSE I— ROSE IS A TREASURE. ROSE IS… ROSE IS FUCKING PERFECT. Her friendship with John is perfect. The way in which she knows him so well even though they’re so different is perfect. Everything is perfect.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he’s yours. 

I trust you’ll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday. 

Rose

I’M STRUGGLING TO MAKE COMMENTARY. THIS IS TOO ADORABLE. TOO MUCH ADORABLENESS I NEED TO STEAM IT OFF. This is so important?? And great?? This is Rose openly talking about feelings. Thanking John for his friendship. She trusts him enough to just be open about how she feels for a change instead of pretending not to care?? WOW WOW WOW. I know she talked about strong sentimental value, but I would have never imagined something like this. 

John, you had to ruin this beautiful moment.

This gift from Rose is so cool. Two sweet bunnies on one birthday?? What are the odds.

The odds are that Jade’s present would probably have been a rabbit too, had it not exploded under unclear circumstances. Unless she was going to break this pattern too. Jade “Smash the pattern. Kill the pattern.” Harley. …It has exploded, right? Or not? What is PM gonna bring John? Maybe it didn’t explode?? The whole thing was very unclear. 

You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it. It is such a nice present. You will have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would probably be creepy. 

JOHN, NEVER CHANGE. But why don’t you wake her up and thank her properly. 

This bunny reminds you that you still have a salamander in your sylladex. She is holding the bunny Dave got you. It’s sort of uncanny how similar they are, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what are the odds?? So weird.

That is…. not the same bunny… that through some weird time travel paradox bullshit… is existing in two places at the same time, right?? In the same fashion of Dave’s copies of Sburb??

You release dear, precious Casey. She was probably getting antsy in that card. You think you’ll leave her here with Rose. A dangerous quest is nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in your inventory. 

John, you have been a father for about ten minutes and you already grew sick of it? You are a sham. 

You don’t know anything about biology. Unless it is biology that has to do with ghosts and slime.

You don’t know anything about ectobiology either, hon.

But even then you don’t actually know anything, you just sort of like to pretend you do. 

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT.

Don’t answer that. People will mistake you for Rose and you will give her a bad reputATION. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. GA. Next conversation. First conversation. ConversationWithAVeryStupidGirl.txt

John started it all.

OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD. Wait. Can’t she see him typing?? He doesn’t really look anything like Rose. Plus Rose snoring on the ground just a few feet away should be kind of a dead giveaway. Wait. I FOUND A PLOT HOLE.

– grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] – 

GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species 
GA: I Have To Start Somewhere 
GA: And Somewhen 
GA: So I Am Starting With You 
GA: And Now 
GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant 
GA: Mostly For Me 
GA: Actually You Know What 
GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All 
GA: Goodbye 

I LOVE HER. I’M IN LOVE. “Supposed To” Umh. Apparently CG is in charge of this baloney. But why would anybody listen to him. He sounds like someone who goes to fight somebody and gets only himself hurt in the process. Maybe he whined so much about it that the others had no choice. Maybe that’s how he killed his enemies in The Medium. Screaming them to death. Screamkind.

TT: she’s not here right now, she’s asleep! 
TT: but ok, see you. 
GA: Is This 
GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About 
GA: That You Always Use 
GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate 
TT: umm… no? 
GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did 
GA: The Rose Human Specifically 
TT: oh, yeah. 
TT: that’s me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say. 
TT: i am the queen of books. 

I’M FUCKING CRYING HOLY DAMN. WHAT KIND OF ROSE IMPRESSION IS THAT. JOHN IS A SHAM. He isn’t even trying. 

GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements 
GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful 
TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh 
TT: i’m so burned, these burns are crazy. 
TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?? 
TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we’re just going to all be friends at some point anyway. 

Oh. So John was the one proposing friendship? That’s lame. I thought that Rose would eventually warm up to her and do it herself. Like John with CG, you know? I feel a little bad for GA.

GA: Have We Spoken Before 
TT: i don’t know, uh, maybe??? 
TT: it’s hard to keep track with all your time nonsense. 
GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation 
TT: that’s because you guys always do things the hard way. 
TT: and the dumb way. 
GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works 
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like 

I did not find a plot hole. Plot hole has been sealed. With cement. Never to be seen again.

TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. 
TT: you look kind of like… 
TT: howie mandel from little monsters. 
TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. 
TT: because he was a big goofy adult. 
TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. 
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest 

FRED SAVAGE AS THE LAST FINAL VILLAIN. He and Jack Noir fistbump as they spread destruction wearing ridiculous hats.

TT: no, it’s a movie. 
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it’s awesome, which it is. 
GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things 
GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To 
GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is 

OH SNAP. Well, things would be all snapping and stuff if the accusation actually reached Rose, that is.

TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it’s really nicely knitted and everything. 
TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right. 

JOHN. Rose will read this conversation and bop you in the head with her backup ball of yarn. He is awfully quick to assume that everybody is in love with everybody. Love is a simple thing for John Egbert. Well, then again everything is a simple thing for John Egbert.

GA: Uh Okay 
TT: heh, just kidding. i’m sure john knows it’s cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here! 

He regret saying that! He didn’t want to dismiss Rose’s present like that! Aww. I just… John is… and Rose… That’s too much cuteness, this needs to stop.

TT: why don’t you talk to john? 
GA: Maybe 
GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him 
TT: oh man, i don’t know. 
TT: why don’t you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable? 
TT: you know that’s what you’re gonna do anyway. 
GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart 
GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics 
GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here 
GA: Kind Of Irritating 
GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades 
GA: This John Human 
GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On 
TT: ok. 
TT: if you talk to him in the past… 
TT: he’ll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he’ll be confused. 
TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don’t know. 
TT: and if you talk to him in the future… 
TT: he’ll probably know all this stuff, like things you’ve said to him but haven’t said yet! 
TT: and then you’ll be confused. 
TT: sorry, that’s just how this works. 
TT: don’t say i didn’t warn you! 
GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter. 
GA: Until Next Time Rose 
GA: Next Time In The Past 
TT: yeah, bye! 
TT: (heheheheheheh) 

Yes, I couldn’t believe my eyes either but he is typing out giggles and sending them to the person he has just finished pranking. This is the exact reason why John can’t even attempt to properly troll people. The only one he can troll is CG. ….And he has been surprisingly good at it so far?? Trolling CG is really entertaining tho. 

HOLY RAVIOLI. Wow, this is kind of a grim place. 

There she is. GC. Happily strolling around. With a cane too. Maybe she really is blind. Maybe I’m being too paranoid with her.

OH MY GOD. NEW TROLLS.

HELLO, WHO ARE YOU IN THE RIGHT CORNER?!?? WHOSE HORNS ARE THOSE??

HELLO YOU IN THE OTHER CORNER, WHO ARE Y— Probably AT. I mean, look at those horns. I should hope there is no one with horns bigger than his.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] 

TWO TROLLS TALKING TO EACH OTHER. TA. TwinArmageddon. Obviously their astrological sign is Gemini.

GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network 
GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport 
TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up. 

I’M NOT READING THIS SHIT. No way. I’ll just skip over their text. Forever. And hope it’s not relevant. Wow, they are really bringing the duality thing to the next level. With the 2 and the ii. Wait. 2 I…? Like 2 of themselves? Hmmm. No, okay. Probably reading too much into things.

TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea. 
TA: pre22 F1. 
GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key 
TA: liie2. 

I already love their dynamic. I love everybody’s dynamic. And if she could solve this by reading through the help section she would have done it already.

TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood. 
TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. 
TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. 
TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit. 

Setting parallels with Dave, I see?

TA: 2o go away. 
GA: You Used To Like To Talk More 
GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense 
GA: So I Dont Know What Happened 
TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie. 
TA: and no one beliieved me. 
TA: and now look at you all. 
TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY. 

OH NO! That… must have been awful. But honestly. Who would believe a thirteen y/o kid rambling about the incoming apocalypse. You gotta understand. Although you are free to say “ii told you 2o” on and on and on to those bunch of non-believers. Point is that saying that as you watch civilization crumble on your planet sounds like a douche move.

GA: Then Why Are You Doing This 
GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us 
TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit. 
TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way. 
TA: kiind of juveniile. 
TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok. 
TA: 2ee the menu up top? 
TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport. 

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!! HELLO, HACKER GUY!!!!

GA: I Did Fiddle With It 
GA: To No Avail 
TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. 

I completely, wholeheartedly agree. Ninety percent of being good with computers is fiddle around them until you KO them. Then you repeat the process and figure out where you fucked up. 

And you can see entire galaxies in those…. I already said those exact same words?? With Dave!! Who is this? Troll Dave Strider??

Pfffft. He has the F1 key.

SHE has the F1 key. We’re really kicking those parallels with the trolls, huh? So GA is Rose and TA is Dave??

He has two sets of horns. And two sets of frontal teeth. But those are 3D glasses and so you disappointed your whole family, fathers, mother, siblings, the whole dynasty. Yes, he has two fathers and two mothers, shush.

Red and blue glasses, and two shoes of different colors too! Buddy, make up your mind. Oh, and hello to CG in the corner too. I can’t see his face but I can tell he’s pissed. ALSO I said this before and I repeat it now. GET SOME SLEEP. Those aren’t even bags under your eyes, they are effing functional pockets. That is not even post game stress because they had them before playing too. At least CG did.

[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam.

Ooooooh, those songs are all really good. Dave and Rose drop some hella ill moves. Cal keeps moving even though thERE ARE NO FLASHSTEPPING BROTHERS NEARBY HOLY HECK

Rose has been in Lil Cal’s “company” for about two minutes and she is already done with it. Dave could learn a thing or two.

OH MY GOD. BLESS. BLESS ROSE LALONDE. MAY SHE ALWAYS BE CHERISHED AND REVERED. 

> Rose: First, be the pony. Second, follow Mom. 

Let’s see what MOM is up to.

Those are very similar to the inscriptions in Jade’s from temple!!

You go in the ruins. Your clopping hooves echo throughout the cavernous and foreboding environment. But you are too stupid to be nervous. 

Your powerful snout detects the scent of Rose’s MOM. She went this way.

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!! What exactly was her job before this apocalypse mess. Because I’m getting suspicious. Was she an hitwoman or something?! A professional spy??? 

> Maplehoof: Collect grist. 

MAPLEHOOF NO!!! That is absolutely useless for you!

You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose’s GRIST CACHE. 

This is entirely too much grist of too many exotic types for such a low level player. But you’ll take it. You don’t look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo. 

The grist overflow is gathered by the GRIST GUTTER utility supplied by GRIST TORRENT. It is stored and gradually redirected to other players.

Oh, that’s okay then. WAIT, NO. Everybody but Jade. Not only she enters the game in two decades, the others will also have so much grist that they will be able to create anything. And nothing for Jade. :(

Where is she disappearing to now? And how can someone that drunk even look so composed and classy?? More mysteries. So many mysteries.

> John: First, be the hat. Second, find dad. 

JOHN should find DAD, not the stupid hat.

You settle in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat. 

He gathers the clean hat, along with a shoe he found through similarly serendipitous means to replace one he lost.

Well, it’s still nice to know that in some way John and his dad are communicating. ç.ç

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

OKAY. Everybody calm down. …What do you mean I’m the only one panicking here. It’s for good reasons, shush. If only…. they met… and… I dunno… I’m not saying Grandpa should walk over, pat DAD on the back and say something like “Hello, son. Long time no see” BUT IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF HE DID. I just want evidence… that the two are related… I don’t ask for much. Even something subtle will be just fine…

“You want yer book back, don’t ya? Come at me, young man.”

He is gonna follow him! CONFIRMED. GRANDPA AND DAD ARE FATHER AND SON CONFIRMED. Wow, that sounded really idiotic. I just want the Harleys and the Egberts to be related. Really badly. Gimme a break.

……..CONFIRMED.

Where is he going now. Where are all the guardians disappearing to?? If you don’t stay in one place your kids will never find you!!! And DAD follows him, of course. Always follow your heart Colonel Sassacre books, kids.