Surprise, surprise. Grandpa Harley is back and ALIVE.

In which John finds out that shaving cream is flammable, Dave can’t control his bladder, Jade hits her grandpa’s booze, and Rose writes a poem about the incompetence of her co-players.

John finds himself in the Land of Wind and Shade! Well, “finds himself” is a manner of speaking, he has pretty much been here all along, only way higher up!

Okay, so we got a whole land to explore and somewhere here is DAD’s car (which we absolutely have to find because John’s server copy of Sburb is in it), also the unabridged version of Colonel Sassacre! John still has to read the first few pages with Nanna’s message and she for some reason decided to make everything more difficult and threw it away?? Because she is weird like that, I guess. (the truth is that she is the villain all along, that’s nanna, it’s her, the true final boss, screw chess pieces.)

Also, the constellation that dance beneath the clouds, they are just the fireflies! Nanna was feeling poetic.

I GET TO FIGHT THE IMPS????!! John, prepare to die five hundred times, I’m truly sorry, I’m very bad at this kind of games but I’m afraid that this won’t stop me from killing every one of those little bastards.

….Talk to you like what?! Unless grandma just created a Pesterchum account. Her chumhandle… gelasticCounselor. Sounds good.  Although I like to think that the two of them are just shouting at each other while the imps nearby watch, perplexed. Even though they are too far, I guess??

BUT TO MORE IMPORTANT POINTS! This sheds light on a very important subject! Jade’s choice of prototyping can’t be Grandpa! If sprites cannot  move from the location of their houses, Grandpa would be breaking all the rules! He just slay imps left and right, he staffed them, the giant ones too! But the point is that he not only killed Jade’s imps, but also Rose’s, Dave’s and John’s ones! That means he will/already has (?? what is this Intermission level of time bullshit??) travel from one planet to another! Please don’t ask me how though. Also he… randomly comes back to life… yeah…. Hell, maybe it’s some sort of bonus in the game, like… Jade gets through the Third Gate, handfuls of confetti greet her at her passage and BOOM. “END OF GATE THREE BONUS! Bring a loved one back to life! But choose wisely! You won’t get this proposal again!!” Okay, no but it would be cool. The End Gate Bonuses. Bringing Grandpa back is cool too. 

The locals! I already know that they are salamanders! They apparently talk too. I’ve seen fireflies talk and cats supposedly whisper state secrets already so it’s not like it surprises me. 

You do know she’s just going to reply with her coy laugh, right?

I’m beginning to think that this is not the harlequin in Nanna talking, but that she was just that much of a coy little shit in life. With all due respect to the elders. She is enjoying herself so much!

Okay so I’ll just cut to the most interesting stuff. 

Let’s recapitulate! I will use Nanna’s info dump for reference! 

Ahhh, I remember the times in which I didn’t undestand a thing of what she was blabbering. Now I understand about 35% of it. Amazing. Lots of progresses made. 

AGENTS: There is the Archagent Jack Noir, then we have all the other members of The Midnight Crew, at least what is The Midnight Crew in the trolls session. They get on the kids’ planet and made “The Slumbering One” create a bunch of imps. Like… lots of them.

EXILES: WV, PM, AR and whoever the fourth one is. I don’t know why it took me so much time to figure this one out, really! There should be four of them like the kids. And if patterns mean anything in this webcomic, our latecomer should be a white lady. They ended up exiled on post-apocalyptic Earth for unknown reasons. They refused to fight the war, DUUUHHH. It is unclear why our Agents ended up being Exiles in the trolls session.

CONSORTS: Our cute salamanders! They do not seem very smart but they give our protagonist some valuable information! Information that Nanna chose to withhold just because she was feeling mischievous. John’s reputation precedes him in the salamanders’ circles! It seems they regard him as a hero. Better not disappoint!

KERNELSPRITES: Well, DUH. 

UNDERLINGS: Our feisty imps. The big ones also fall into this category.

DENIZENS: There is either a lot of people sleeping here or they are “The Slumbering Ones”. There should be one on every planet. Seems that the player’s objective is to defeat the “Final Boss” of their land. As a reward the planet will benefit from the player’s success. It would be also the first enemy that they have to fight to have an actual thought process. ALSO SPELLS. WIZARDS. Rose will love hate them. 

This looks vaguely important. Vaguely. It’s not like it screams “PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” across the whole land. No, sir. Let’s clear things up so that we can have a nice chat with the salamander.

There, all better. I had to kill Jaspers’ evil doppelganger. We don’t want him to go around whispering our secrets in young ladies’ ears.

Aaaaand please pay attention to the Seven Gates! 

The frog is supposed to be above them all. It is not very noticeable here but it is somewhere else:

Right from WV: Ascend!

And what is above The Seven Gates?? Nanna may refuse to answer, but she has already told us a lot about it!

Now my question is, and BELIEVE ME I’m NOT getting slightly angered about this, I’m SUPER CALM: ARE OUR KIDS RISKING THEIR LIVES OVER FUCKING FROGS. This is obviously symbolic. There are not literal frogs on Skaia, right?! What should I expect, a swampland when we get there?? And the salamanders worshiping them would even make sense! They would be kind of worshiping Skaia and what it represents! BUT NO, OBVIOUSLY SYMBOLIC, MOVING ON.

Also, it will take like 5 hundred acts to get there so I can relax. I don’t have to bother with this RIGHT NOW.

HOLY SMOKES??!!? IT’S THE DENIZEN!! Okay, everybody don’t panic. John, how about… you get away from the edge…. slowly slowly… and we seal that opening, so you can NEVER accidentally fall in it? Good, we can get back when you feel ready.

HOW IS THAT RELATED TO THE POSSIBILITY OF A DANGEROUS FINAL BOSS SO CLOSE THAT YOU CAN HEAR IT SNORE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, JOHN!

Nanna, this is fucking betrayal, you have moved over to the dark side, there is not redeeming for you now. I can’t believe this, they’re the same people who kidnapped your son!

Settle down, John. Don’t get too excited, she is on her own cool land now. As incredible as that may sound, Dave DID manage to get her there alive!

Other instances of Nanna trolling John endlessly:

And my personal favorite:

Also this may be the dumbest thing I have ever done while liveblogging:

WELL?? I DID NOT GET LOST FIVE TIMES WHILE TRYING TO BRING THIS DUMB FROG OVER HERE FOR NOTHING?!? THINKING WE WOULD GET AN EASTER EGG?! WHERE ARE THE FROG GODS DESCENDING TO GRANT JOHN A WISH?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?! John, let’s go, we shouldn’t lose more of our precious time on STUPID DUMBASS FROGS! We should follow the imps’ example and smash them all!!! (I got John killed two times for this, I feel kind of guilty now…)

I think that there weren’t other very important bits to report here so….

MOVING ON! 

I don’t know what I expected.

3/1000 frogs desecrated.

Lil’ Wormy, you have no respect whatsoever for sacred items and/or salamander culture.

He actually managed to hit his objective?! He is getting TOO STRONG, he has to be eliminated. (Mystery Arm, you’re upside down, get a grip on reality.)

PM, I’m not saying that if you don’t work this out you guys are screwed but IF YOU DON’T WORK THIS OUT YOU GUYS ARE SCREWED.

Would you believe me if I told you that I had completely FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM?! He has been flying through the air for forty minutes, pretty sure it doesn’t even faze him anymore.

Is Serenity actively following him or was she hurled away by the explosion too? The poor thing, she never asked for any of this.

Someone falling from that height does not land with a freaking “FLOP”.

BEC, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS POOR MAN?! He is a wreck. Lost all dignity, trembling like a leaf, arms up, surrendering.

AR has seen Bec before…? Bec should have been in the Dark Kingdom or Skaia?! I guess he could have just teleported there. But why would AR feel threatened? Yeah, Bec is an omnipotent dog with ambiguous origins but still. He has been pretty pacific so far. I doubt he could aggrieve someone or anything if they had seen each other before. But he probably did? Also AR, if a dog aggrieves you, I doubt raising your arms in surrender would help.

WHOOAAAAA!!!!! PM took matters into her own hands! 

Look at those eyes. “I WILL WRECK YO’ SHIT AND YOU WILL GO CRYING TO YO’ MAMA"  I warned you, AR. Lady to the rescue!

STRIFE!! No, wait I don’t want a strife, I want everybody to get along or at the very least to stop trying to kill each other. First let’s give AR the scare of his life though.

> Tell Dave about how he lost his copies only for you to get your ass covered and for him to get his own kicked.

wAIT JADE IS GOING TO BE DAVE’S SERVER PLAYER. IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME.

POST-EDIT: This got reaaaally long for some reason. It’s all dumb considerations and speculation. You can skip it if you want. …Of course you don’t actually need my permission to do it, you can do it whenever you want, all I’m saying is that— UGH, NEVERMIND.

I think the server and client system is a really cool way to show us the dynamics between all the kids and how they face immediate danger,and take decisions consequently. Rose and Dave are a GREAT team. It was shown perfectly in [S] Enter. Dave made a show of his majestic time management skills (Well, DUH.) and of his incredible abilities as a tamer of large groups of crows, and Rose made show oF HOW FREAKING RECKLESS SHE CAN GET OH MY GOD.

What about that contemplative half grin as she evaluates the possibility of throwing herself into the river, and the fact that she chooses to do it when she could have just asked Dave for help?? she doesn’t even know that he is momentarily busy dealing with a storm of vengeful crows and can’t take the bottle for her. Jaspers won’t always be there to catch her when she falls (literally and figuratively!) She is too self-confident! And I’m worried because now that she is in The Medium, would it be absurd to assume that she could take on something or someone that is bigger than her (again, literally and figuratively) overestimating her abilities?? I think not. And so I’m worried.

ALSO I wanted to mention a thing. Rose and Dave are always on the move and ready to spring in action whenever they feel like it. John and Jade are pretty much the opposite. They need constant input. If you leave John alone for more than two minutes he starts building forts out of cruxite dowels, kissing his posters, taking random naps, he literally couldn’t give less fucks. He needs someone to constantly lead him and spur him to do what he needs to be doing. It’s okay for now, he has both Rose and Nanna. It could prove to be a problem later on though. He won’t always be checked on. 

Same with Jade. But it’s more subtle with her. It’s Skaia. Or better, its clouds. Jade has been following the lead given by the cloud mirages probably for years. She actively works to make the things she sees a reality. Always. Constantly. I don’t even know how she would deal with being left on her own without any “instructions” from Skaia. And what if Skaia happens to be unavailable? What does she do then? It’s a problem that needs to be solved. 

…And you know what could work for her?!? :D Okay, you know where this is going already… If she distances herself from the pretty clouds and tries to take on a different role… maybe the one of a woman, who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery…. whose powers may be related to a boundless three-dimensional extent in which objects and events occur and have relative position and direction…. Uummmmhh. No, I’m not talking about the kids’ roles again, you are mistaken, I mentioned no Witch of Space, you’ve got nothing on me.

BUT WAIT. Seriously this is the last time, really! If Rose is the Seer and Jade the Witch where does that put Jade’s “abilities”. Technically they’re also John’s “abilities”. 

…Can someone who dreams on Prospit even be a Seer?! I mean… Wouldn’t that give them two identical powers? The same advantage? Both from Prospit and their own powers?! No, wAIT. THAT’S NOT IT! I forgot that the title is always Seer of “insert element here”. 

So the role of the seer in our kids’ session is a bit ambiguous really… Seer of Light. I said Light as in optimism but that was back when I was sure Jade was the Seer… I could be wrong, it could even be on the lines of seeing the light, as in Enlightenment or something. Kind of… mystical?! I REALLY can’t imagine Rose going all mystical on her buddies…. The good thing is that I DEFINITELY can’t imagine Jade going all mystical either. Rose a little more maybe?! OH, WAIT NO. To the hell with that! Rose going mystical would be hellish, a legitimate nightmare. Imagine Jade’s weird riddles only written in Rose’s purple prose. Every time the others ask her for information they have to search 25 out of the 26 words of her reply on Thesaurus. The one they didn’t search was their own names when she addressed them back. Thank godness they still have internet. 

….Why am I making a digression into the digression?!?!?? As I was saying… What was I saying again? Right, the Seer role. (I had to scroll back. ç.ç) I can’t really use our Seer of Light to make an example… BECAUSE I DON’T REALLY GET WHAT ONE WOULD DO… But let’s consider… A Seer of Time. Wait. What the heck would a Seer of Time even do? Predict how much time you’ve got left? Aren’t there enough ominous countdowns that cover it already in this game?! Seer of Breath? …What kind of title is that? Seer of Space?! I CAN’T FIND ONE GOOD EXAMPLE. Okay, so maybe using an element which hasn’t been introduced yet is kind of cheating, but forgive me if a bring into account my own element for one moment, I’m trying to make a point here. Heart. Seer of Heart. Now if we say that heart is equivalent for emotions, a Seer of Heart is someone who predicts only how the people around herself will feel in the future, not the future itself. That means that waking up on Prospit and see the cloud mirages wouldn’t be more of the same, but actually help the Seer to place everything together. ………All of this was to say that there is actually no problem if a Seer is also a “Prospitian”. I’ve gone too deep. 

…..Which wasn’t even the main point, it was another darned DIGRESSION. I was talking about Jade. The thing that I hadn’t realized is that THERE CANNOT BE TWO SEERS. Jade is thrusting herself into the role, and I don’t think she will be ever ready to take on the Witch role if she hasn’t given up on the Seer one first. But I find that a very difficult thing and also unlikely because when she bases all of her decisions on the glimpses of the future she gets, and she’s probably done it for years, it’s very difficult to just stop doing it. A way to make her stop would be her misinterpreting something she sees and fucking things up big time. If someone was harmed because of one of her predictions, you can be 180% sure she would fling her colorful reminders out of the window and never watch a cloud, no matter if on Skaia or not, ever again.

………..HOW DID THIS GET SO LONG?!

BACK TO DAVE AND JADE AND LIVEBLOGGING. Wow, that was one long digression. Things should go pretty smoothly. Or at least I HOPE we won’t end up like Rose, with fire tornadoes  through her mansion. Because Dave is the Knight of Time, he should be able to avoid entering at the very last second while staring dumbfounded at his meteor, aka Egbert-Style. He might do a bit of planning ahead. PLUS let’s not forget that Jade is the server player. The Space player… I think she is the Space player at least. (Man, I’m basing half of my speculations on Rose’s and Jade’s roles, if it turns out I’m wrong I will cry ugly tears.) 

Time and Space. If THEY don’t get it right who will?! They both have their copies of Sburb and Jade just has to install them. Now, I fail to see how there could possibly be any inconveniences on the short trip from the temple and back to her tower. It should be an uneventful trip. …I just freaking jinxed it, didn’t I? I did. Jade, I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry because I forgot where you live. I forgot with who you lived. Really looking forward to the moment in which a giant monster frog comes out of the freaking pond and gulps down the copies as Jade curses her grandpa for letting one of his experiments get out of the laboratory still alive. REALLY looking forward to it. There will even be bits of foreshadowing in the whole experience. Like… the frog will jump seven times before reaching Jade. Seven like the Seven Gates. Nice.

CLUE MODUS! Get that one! I wanna see how it works.

I’m just going to say in my defense that "Years in the future (but not many)” doesn’t really make you think of 400 FREAKING YEARS. Don’t worry, I will just sulk around here for a while…

She looks like she is going to pull a judo move and break the thing in half.

Jade, if you found Jenga THAT boring of a game, you could have just gone for something else.

PLEASE GET THAT CRAP OFF YOURSELF, JADE. No, not the fertilizer, I meant the tangle buddies.

So cloooseeee, and yet so far. Well, Pictionary it is, then.

Goddammit, Jade. Why can’t I have nice things?! I wanted to meet that troll!

You can put all the tiny little hearts you want but that doesn’t change the fact that your grandpa was a freaking billionaire and you steal PC games from your friend. Where is your moral, kid?!

I SWEAR TO GOD IF IN THE NEXT PANEL THERE IS NOTHING

AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH.

You don’t just replicate a pumpkin, Jade. It’s sacrilegious, it’s a no-no. It breaks the rules of the universe. Never like the real thing anyway.

This modus is bogus but really WHAT ARE WE DOING?! We could be getting Dave in The Medium right now! Jade! Maybe you may want to get going before his whole neighborhood gets submersed by lava or whatever?!

Here he is. What is Bec’s equivalent of a scolding?! I’m curious. Does he just not let her out of her tower for a day? Barks relentlessly all night and doesn’t let her sleep?

Is this reality? Is this happening? Or is it a dream and an awakening to the cruel, cold and beta-less world is in order?!

I think I’m tearing up. I’m so proud of you, Jade. I knew you were the best.

NO. You do that. Later. Meeting arachnidsGrip and terminallyCapricious. NOW.

*sighs in defeat*

No, John. Nanna said “HOO HOO HOO” when you asked. She replies with “HOO HOO HOO” to everything unless you ask her to bake more cookies, really.

“i am in this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff !! :D”

I WONDER.

GOOD DOG. BEST GUARDIAN. I knew he was the wisest, really.

Two kinds of people.

ASHAIUDHASIUDFHEWUFHEROPHSNDJADLLCHoa jooooooooooooooooohn i swear to god i’m going to kill you I GOTTA CALM DOWN A MOMENT. GOTTA BREATH SLOWLY.

……..Why, Minecraft. They were gonna set up a nice multiplayer session. Yes, John, that’s what they’re going to do.

The John and Jade team is going to be such an huge mess. Between John being busy in his new land and Jade randomly falling asleep, ALSO DON’T YOU KNOW THAT JADE FALLING ASLEEP JUST AS A BIGASS METEOR IS FIFTEEN SECONDS AWAY FROM HER HOME IS PRACTICALLY A GIVEN?! I’m worried about Jade, I’m worried about Rose, I’m worried about EVERYONE.

Just who did you think would have gotten her into the game. Her dead grandpa?! Lil’ Cal?!

Lots of ellipsis. Jade’s off-handed way of saying “Less moaning, more moving.”

And to your left you can see two specimens of the human specie regarded as the biggest dorks in the whole universe, bickering. To these days, researchers still debate on which one may be the biggest one, but an agreement has yet to be reached. Scientists worldwide agree, however, that the bickering increases the adorableness of the exchange over level 9000.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, JADE. Did she really just say that?! Oh, my gosh.

NO, JOHN. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

That’s not how it works, Jade. Don’t be silly. The clouds showed you what they did based on the decisions you would take in the future. You have absolute free will. It’s your choice only. If you wanted to tell your friends about it you could have, the clouds would have simply adapted to the new development. They don’t force you into doing anything, only show you the outcome of your actions. It’s a little hard to explain… Imagine a sort of “That’s So Raven” scenario, only she doesn’t try to change the future at all.

OOOOOH YEEEE—

YOU ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSEEEEE

We haven’t had a Dave POV in five years. How I missed him. Also what is Rose up too? 

Aaaaand Dave is getting impatient because Rose doesn’t bother replying. She’s busy exploring! Also, pestering his friends to death is Dave’s way to show you that he cares for your well-being. Involountarily. Because he doesn’t want you to know that. In the heat of the moment he even let a genuine “im sorry” slip.

She’s so pumped, like… She has been waiting for this day for literal years! And I’m so sorry because she will have to wait AGES to enter, she has to wait for John to find his dad’s car.

Aaaah. It’s great to see Dave have confidence and generally feel good about himself. Also that last sentence out of context is freaking GOLD.

jADE STOP SPOILERING EVERYONE. He will know about his role… when the time comes.

John and Jade give the best nicknames…. 

….Truly impressive.

OH, NO. Even Jade has been corrupted by the turbid nightmare also known as SBAHJ. This is indeed the end of the world.

Excuse me, I’m busy picturing Dave softly gasping and gingerly bringing an hand to his mouth at Jade’s assertive demeanor and then recompose himself quickly. Basically I’m laughing alone, about things that I’m only imagining and did not even happen in canon.

Quit bitching. Rose has just been through hell to constantly help John and simultaneously get out of increasingly dangerous situations. She did not bitch. I won’t tolerate it from you.

A HEAD START?! Jade, you are a gift to this webcomic, never change. Also, she understands me on a deep level. 

…Why do you keep telling everyone about how your butt was royally kicked? I swear he will tell the trolls next. “i will have you know that my bro just kicked my ass” “WHAT THE HELL IS A BRO?" 

……….

These two kids will be the death of me, I swear. Also we learned that Jade is easily influenced by her conversations with others! 

JADE YOU DO NOT WANT TO WALK DOWN THIS PARTICULAR PATH WITH DAVE

I was expecting a monologue. True character development here for Dave Strider.

Will his house be still intact in say… seven minutes? Well, can’t get any worse then what happened to John’s house. …I shouldn’t challenge this webcomic. Nor Miss Jade Harley.

pLEASE (BE CG. BE CG. BE CG.)

JOHN. He hasn’t been that distressed since Dave wouldn’t stop rapping about the apocalypse and Nanna.

hE KNOWS HIS NAME. 

John, I think you should know that CG doesn’t have any idea of what he is doing, so he is kind of bullshitting his way through trolling you guys backward. Therefore he doesn’t know what the hell you are going on about here.

Wow, that’s so sad. They don’t know what a laugh is.

Oh, BUUUUURN. John, what do you say to that?!

…You don’t have a stomach? Okay, you can’t laugh, you can’t eat. Is your life really that worth living? Just food for your thoughts… food that you can’t digest anyway. 

No, that’s because you would believe anything anyone tells you, John. Like someone could tell him that Sharknado is the best movie of the last decade and he would believe them. Hell, maybe he already loves it.

CG, I know you are doing this weirdass trolling backward thingy which is honestly kind of dumb and lame but consider John’s point of view?? Wait, don’t consider John’s point of view, he just readily accepted that you guys are not human and yet he laughs in your face at the prospect of being friends. He’s weird like that.

Admitting it is the first step! Thumbs up for the alien! :D Did you just call him an idiot right after you referred to him as a friend? How knowledgeable are you on human culture? Only when you get on the "best buddies” level can you get away with what you just did, sorry.

WELL, DUH. You’ve dug your own grave, now lie in it.

You mean that you delved head first into this trolling thing without the slightest idea of how to do it properly, exactly like AT?

Yeah, he sure does but…. how does John know?! There weren’t any hints from his prospective??

Ones I will have to read in the future. So hopefully not so tedious.

This is hella suspicious. What is he trying to accomplish? Getting all buddy-buddy with our John??

Awkwaaaaaaard. I….I think he is being genuine…. Oh, gosh.

I’m freaking WHEEZING. HELP.

Let me explain, John. Basically what CG is saying is that you will come to like this guy one day, and obviously you will get all overly friendly and dorky with him, like you are with everyone, he will pretend not to appreciate it but he will secretly think of you as a good friend.

SUPRISE, SURPRISE. Don’t they have anything else to do beside trolling our kids?? Fighting imps? Exploring lands?? Defeating Denizens??

Oh, come oooon, CG. I wouldn’t call it narcissism. Yeah, he can get pretty self-centered at times but he doesn’t even notice. …And you noticed that? Impressive.

Dude, what kind of friendships do you even have? People happen to get mad when you insult them. BUUUUUT I have to partially agree, sorry John. He has explained everything to you ALREADY. Telling it to you again would just be more work for him. You WILL get to have those conversation eventually, you only gotta wait. That’s a pretty easy concept that you don’t get.

PPPPFFFTTTAHAHAHAHA. The same girl on which you got all high and mighty boasting about how you were BETTER AND SMARTER THAN HER IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER. ALSO SHE IS INCREDIBLY STUPID. Sorry, you’re not allowed to talk to her and make her upset. Didn’t Jade say she found some of the trolls funny? Let THEM talk to her?! Easy.

Why don’t you do that yourself, LIKE A MAN. It’s not like the fact that she blocked you stops you. You ask for forgiveness. Jade is a nice kid. MAYBE if you tried really hard she might listen. Unless you are not sorry for real. Then SHE WOULD KNOW.

OH, WOW. So why don’t you go eye up the GROSS AND TOTALLY  UNATTRACTIVE BUTT of a member of YOUR specie, you douche. You don’t even mean it when you say that you’re sorry! No okay, I was thinking of giving him the benefit of the doubt but DEFINITELY NOT. He is not talking to Jade. I don’t care if he is friend with John from his prospective or whatever. 

YEAH! LEAVE HIM HANGING! Maybe?? That should have been a no-no! John, he was kissing YOUR ass, not Jade’s. In fact he had something to say about the latter. And no, I’m not completely sold either. We will see. Also, sassy John is a great John.

STOP THIS. THERE ISN’T AN ARM IN THIS ONE. THERE ISN’T ANY OIL. THERE ISN’T…… There is a thing close to the forest. It has that bluish light like the arms. But I can’t really tell what it is. 

bUT I GUESS WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT OH MY GOD BECAUSE JOHN NOTICED TOO OKAY I WASN’T EXPECTING THIS OH MY

Of course we get a POV switch, of course. Should I preemptively start rubbing my temples in light of the headache I will most surely get in the near future? Well, Mr. “Major”, show us what you can do.

AAAWWWWW. He did it. Not really rational and diplomatic, but nobody got killed, that’s what matters. The only acceptable use for PM’s sword: opening cans.

First of all: AAAAWWWWW. Second: friendship isn’t an emotion fucknuts.

And suddenly we are back to Dave and Jade?! ….Okay?!

Jade, that is too high for Dave! He’s as short as a stool. Please be more considerate next time.

That… isn’t really a valid reason to place it there, Jade. It really isn’t.

DAVE PLEASE TURN AROUND A MOMENT. I think you agree that we should never let Jade “just do her thing” ever again.

I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE’S UPDATING HER FAQ I WILL BEAT SOMEONE UP. Also, I love how Dave just wrote her a fucking poem and she is just like “Hold please.” So majestic.

??????? SHE IS NOT EVEN CONSIDERING YOU ???????

JADE, PLEASE CALM DOWN. Maybe she’s TOO pumped. She sounds like she is on a sugar high…. again.

HELP I CAN’T BREATHE JADE PLEASE IT’S KIND OF A TOUCHY SUBJECT

I’m very sorry to say……. Dave, that is not irony. I think someone has to let you know…. your bro is puppetsexual.

It’s Dave’s curse. A long story. I shall call him Bird Boy from now on. Very intimidating name. Do not anger the man with the crows. They will accompany him on his journey. Quite literally since he is going to prototype one— HEY, NO. Jade is going to prototype one, I guess. Still find it a dumb decision, by the way.

Does he mean it like “no its not its just you” or “no its not you can do it”. Jade thinks it’s the latter and I will trust her. BUT PUTTING A SMILEY IN THERE FOR CLARITY WOULDN’T KILL DAVE, YOU KNOW.

WHAT IS SHE DOING. Jade found Grandpa’s secret stash of booze. The only explanation. Honey, if I’m right you’re supposed to be the Witch of Space, this should be child play for you.

That is closer to the truth than you may think.

Did you know that I actually read the pesterlogs aloud when I can? And do you know how much fun I had enacting Rose getting angered, yet trying to keep her composure, all in my beautiful headcanon for Rose’s voice? LOTS OF FUN.

Seems like Rose will get her well-deserved revenge.

WHY WAS I NOT WITNESSING THIS CONVERSATION. Also “it”, Rose? Really?! They’re people. Well, alien people at least.

Dave, there where no wizards, it was only you and Zazzerpan, you throwing him around, he spinning through the fire, only the two of you. And Rose throwing herself in the river, NEVER FORGET ROSE THROWING HERSELF INTO THE RIVER. Also, one moment of silence for the poor wizard, who lost his good hand into the literal heat of the battle, he won’t be able to do magic ever again.

Yes, you keep the ironic thing up. John “ironicly” says he is attracted to you, you “ironicly” say you love him. Keep doing that. I will just be here in the corner, writing down everything. Remembering.

And John is officially on his own, with no Rose watching over him, heading toward the forest where a weird glowing thing that may or may not be related to the retcon is AND OH DEAR I’M WORRIED

I ALREADY KNOW WHERE SHE IS.  SHE IS ON RAINBOW LAND BECAUSE THE VOLCANO ONE IS JADES AND THE OTHER IS DAVES FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, THE LITERAL SPLOTCH OF OIL IS JOHNS. BUT CAN WE JUST SEE HER LAND ALREADY. 

SHE CAUTIOUSLY POKED IT FIRST.

Remember when I compared Jade’s room to BRO’s living room?? Yeah. Sorry, but I can’t deal with Squiddles. I would pick Smuppets over them any day.

Miss Jade Harley, I demand you stop trying to KILL ME BY MAKING ME CHOKE WITH LAUGHTER. My sides hurt. :(

Yes, Jade. Don’t worry, you nailed it. …I blame Grandpa for this…

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN OH MY GOD
JADE ERNESTINE HARLEY I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN YOU LITTLE SHIT WHYYYYYYYYYY

This is random but maybe it is Dave screaming into oblivion. It should be. It would be a chorus with me.

Is this what I think it is…?

RAINBOW LAND!!!! ROSE’S LAND!!! FINALLY!!!

Land o—OOOOHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD LIGHT????!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! FUCK YEAAAAAHHHH! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! LAND. OF. LIGHT. AND. RAIN. SEER. OF. LIGHT. WHERE IS THE FREAKING CHAMPAGNE ALREADY. I AM GOING TO MAKE A TOAST FOR THE SEER!!!!!!!!!! OH YEEEESSSSSS!!!! TODAY IS A GREAT DAY.

HERE SHE IS. THE SEER. ROSE LALONDE. IS THE SEER. LALONDE THE SEER. THE SEER IS ROSE LALONDE.

Such a colorful land for Rose! And I initially thought this was gonna be Jade’s land, DUH. There is plenty of water too! John had Wind and Rose has Rain! I wonder if it’s gonna be a pattern in the lands’ names? But the most important thing is that she said she likes it. Didn’t think she would like all that color. AND THE OTHER MOST IMPORTANT THING IIIIIIISSSSSS….

*chanting* SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT!

Ahem. Yes, I would like to congratulate me, myself and I for never giving up, nor losing hope, and trusting my first second instinct. It has been an arduous journey. Many times, I admit it, I was tempted to just say “FUCK IT” and moving on. Many times horrible words sprouted from my mouth as I watched Jade pull out yet another seery move when I had already sold on my Jade’s the Witch speculation. Today, I’m truly blessed.

…..Oh, COME ON. I know it’s not really totally 100% confirmed but… Land of LIGHT and Rain. C'mon. How much do I have to wait?? IT’S CONFIRMED

………#NotAllLadies. For a moment, I thought I was free from the Squiddles’ evil tentacles…..

It’s so cute that this is the first thing he thought about after things settled down. And after eating, obviously.

No, wait. Nevermind, he just wants to impress the lady.

Nuh-huh. You’re not getting out of this one so easily, WV. You gulped down a pretty big piece of uranium. I’m gonna find out what this thing does because

FROG.

So it is ESPECIALLY important, or so Nanna would say. I will just be here, waiting… till… eugh. Until you do… umh, your thing… and we get the uranium back…. yeah.

WAIT JUST A LITTLE MOMENT THERE. This is the third room???? This was the room in which there was someone before!!!! The one who inserted the orders BEFORE WV got into the command station! And now there is no one! Auuugh. WHERE ARE THEY?! And they used the contraption that is now low on power!!!!!!!!!! To do what? There is the Frog Switch there. METHAPHORICAL FROG SWITCH. MMMHHH. I DON’T KNOW. What does this thing do?! Even with the uranium we would still need a key like with the apparyfier! Laaaaame.

Shouldn’t she be talking to ROSE?! 

Well, you made the drawings yourself, the technology… you just found it. Also they probably remind her of when she was in The Medium. :(

In the background Serenity says “YAY!!!”. I don’t know if she’s looking at the screen and cheering John on or if she is just happy for the new friendship between these two.

Well, John is on Prospit too! And it’s not like he will be sleeping forever!

………………I remember this. This is what you got if you clicked on John in [S] Act 4! It was PM?! Talking to John! In the minigame! I knew there was way too much enthusiasm about mail…  (ಠ _ ಠ)

I thought that was referred to meeeeee! 
And I even thought “Excuse you, but I know him fairly well after I watched him fool around for three acts” DAMMIT.

OH, GODDAMMIT. 

tHAT LAST PART WASN’T THERE THOUGH! IT WASN’T THERE!

Hehehe. PM chose yes, I chose no.

I should have suspected….. There was too much enthusiasm about post…..

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO GET A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OVER THAT STUPID MINIGAME WHEN I COULD HAVE COMPLETELY IGNORED IT. 

What would I have lost?! Boo Hoo, frogs are relevant, but I don’t know why anyway, boo hoo…. AS IF I HADN’T NOTICED ALREADY. There is a massive Frog Temple in the middle of Jade’s island!

HOOOOOLY SHIT. Here she is….. The moment my pain officially ends………..

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this moment for five decades!!!!!!!!

This is the most beautiful panel in Homestuck. Look at the writing “Seer” under ROSE LALONDE. It’s so beautiful, don’t you think?

Also, don’t try to trick me. That is so not PM giving commands.

Look at that twinkle in her eyes. How they are sparkling. HAVE FUN AND GOOD LUCK, ROSE! By the way she will need a boat, I think. She’s surrounded by water. And before she was surrounded by fire. Heh.

I had completely forgotten about John! Let’s see for how long he manages to stay alive without any help!

Oh, wow! Nice change in art-style!

Let’s… slowly turn around, and pretend we saw nothing, John. Where did the glowy thing disappear tooooo ç.ç

JADE NO. JADE, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE. She gets hella confused when she’s asleep, oh NOOOO

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE’RE DOOMED OH MY GOD— Ohhh, it’s four HOURS. Don’t you scare me like that!

……….Jade, you do not just…. casually greet him back while bringing with you his clogged toilet and a piece of the bathroom floor.

DOES THIS SEEM LIKE THE MOMENT FOR YOU, DAVE. Oh, man. Things are so not running smoothly.

(DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) Dave, literally everything is okay, you’ve got four hours, there are no meteors in sight, or at least not directed to your apartment, care to explain why you are whining so GODDAMN MUCH. Because you have to pee?!

That was… nearly instantaneous?? How did he figure it out so fast?! Has she fallen asleep so many time while talking to him that he learnt to notice the change? Poor Dave, it was probably always while he was rapping and he got offended quite a few times.

Egbert resorted to peeing from the edge of the cliff, even though now we know he could have inconvenienced some poor salamander— WAIT. WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO WATCH.

I don’t like what he is implying! It’s not the first time either! Man, a girl can’t even be friendly to someone anymore. There always gotta be ulterior motives! Well, I will have you know that she is like that with EVERYONE. Except the trolls.

That’s none of your business?! And the robot is just to help Jade remember what she has seen on Prospit!

Jade sums it up nicely. Go pee, Dave. Maybe that will banish the sudden acidity out of your body.

It has come to a full circle.

Okay so MAYBE John has been a bit of a jerk to you lately, I can condone this. That’s still pretty fucking evil though. Holding that pee is making Dave weird.

How do I even deal with Dave Strider. Sometimes I wonder.

WHAT NOW.

Can you play WWF’s volunteer later, Jade?!

It’s the bird that started it all, Dave. Your curse. The epitome of your super villain backstory. Don’t pretend not to know when it haunts you every night.

Kid, your sword lasted exactly an hour and half. Power Rangers’ movie props are better crafted.

I LOVE THESE TWO DORKS. Seriously, I love it when they do this.

Jade, for the love oF ALL THAT’S HOLY, HOLD YOUR GODDAMN HORSES AND STOP MESSING AROUND WITH DEAD CROWS.

Things that shouldn’t be here:

• DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.
  
• DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.
  
• DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.
  

I’m a bit sick of paradoxes.

It’s Jade’s fault that Dave messed up the protyping order! First object, then sentient being! Now nobody will give Dave instructions! ….Unless Cal can talk. I WILL FLIP MY SHIT IF CAL TALKS, I WARNED YOU.

Dave, remember that Rose prototyped JASPERS. Although the cat must have had some dirt on the Sburb headquarters, that’s why he was assassinated. So yeah, you get stuck with the dumbest guide, sorry.

Actually, she strolls through her pretty golden kingdom, chatting up with the locals.

Is that less or more than four hours, Jade?!? PLEASE, tell me we don’t get a last minute entry because Jade decided to take a nap.

…What is he trying to do?

PFFFFTAHAHAHAHAAH. OH MY GOD. That was actually pretty damn clever?! And painful for poor Jade. But it was a necessary evil!

Meanwhile, our exiles are having a feast thanks to Jade’s loot.

Not with the Squiddles, AR. Sorry.

WHAT KIND OF ANALOGY IS THAT OH MY GOD BRING THOSE THINGS OUT OF MY SIGHT

>WV: Slowly realize that your fellow friend is trying to steal yo girl.

ARE WE SERIOUSLY GETTING BACKSTORY?! :D

THERE IT IS. DAD’s car. Well…it’s not that bad…. it could be….fixed… Yeah no, you might as well set it on fire. John is obviously nowhere in sight. If we’re lucky he will be able to get here before Act 6. IF we’re lucky. And is that AR or…?

DEFINITELY AR.

Have a bit of clemency on John’s old man. You see, he kind of put himself in a situation. Got kidnapped, destroyed half of the Dark Kingdom, got released just now thanks to a pissed off Archagent who hates fancy hats with a little too much passion for it to be healthy… You know the type. Point is GIVE DAD A BREAK.

Your obsession with law also seems slightly unhealthy.

10,000 BOONDOLLARS??!?!? WHAT THE FUCK. I denounce this faulty system. Last time John had 11575 boondollars. Welp, let’s do something nice for your father, John. Pay the ticket.

GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT

There is this thing that I just don’t understand. How do the imps and the population of the kingdoms move freely from there to the kids planets?! I doubt that there is an official transport system here.

If AR brings the copies away with him, John will never find them and Jade will be DOOMED. So, PLEASE PM. Do something. You’re our only hope! IN THE NAME OF POSTAL SYSTEM. Those copies are John’s!

JAAAAAAAADEEEEEE.

That thing is not even loosing any health… Maybe he’s not strong enough yet?! I suggest a swift but dignified retreat. Like ASAP.

RETREAT RETREAT OH MY GOD JOHN HOLD ON WE CAN’T LEAVE YOU ALONE ONE FREAKING MINUTE PLEASE DON’T DIE

I’m afraid I recOGNIZE THAT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

JESUS CHRIST. IT’S HIM. HE’S GOING TO STUFF THAT HEAD, LOOK:

GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAA

GRANDPA WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOIIIIIING!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU’RE EFFING DEAD. THIS MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER HE IS STILL VERY DEAD IN THE GRAND-FOYER WHAT KIND OF DUMBSHIT PARADOX IS THIS. I REFUSE. TO BELIEVE. THIS BULLSHIT.

You know, CG can say that John and his planet are not the center of the universe but it sure seems like everybody and their mothers are here right now. Or everybody and their Grandpas, I suppose.

And there he goes. After rescuing John. With a Colonel Sassacre underarm. THE EGBERT FAMILY HEIRLOOM UNDERARM. All casually like it has always freaking BELONGED TO HIM OR SOMETHING.

JOHN, HE IS…. THAT STRANGE MAN…….. OH DEAR.

Also??? John??? and Grandpa???

REMOVE THE MUSTACHE. AND JOHN’S EYES. THEY ARE FREAKING IDENTICAL.

I’m not starting to make crack theories but…… if you added the ridiculous haircut….. and DAD is also bald like Grandpa……. and now that I think about it don’t Jade and Nanna also look very much alike…. they both have two frontal teeth and round glasses… and John and Grandpa also have both THREE frontal teeth and have RECTANGULAR glasses… and Grandpa was a freaking comedian too OKAY I’M NOT MAKING CRACK THEORIES BUT I’M SURE AS HELL KEEPING MY EYES ON THEM ALL

BUT MOVING ON, BECAUSE IF I START THINKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH I WILL START SEARCHING FOR HINTS THROUGH EVERYTHING I READ AND THEN IT WILL BE THE END

PM has been completely restless since she saw John and WV’s drawings.

One moment she doesn’t even know him, now she has important messages to deliver.

Maybe they will bond over not understanding shit about the “tall attractive female”. Good.

OH, MY. John, you were supposed to search for it, not ask your consorts to do all the work for you……. UNLESS. This is what PM is going to tell John in the first place. Because she remembers seeing the tablet she will ask John to carve it.

OH. So the black sword belonged to someone else? I don’t remember seeing anyone with it. Is it WV’s maybe? Have all of the exiles met before but forgot about it?

M'lady.

It wouldn’t be the first one either! But beware, you could summon Jack Noir.

Also, why will AR just wrap himself in caution tape…? Or did he bring his advances to our Parcel Mistress a little too far and she did it for him?

AR, BARBASOL IS FLAMMABLE DO YOU WANNA SET YOURSELF ON FIRE

This is a matter of life or death! Screw the law! Wait, he refers to himself as the law… I just told him to go screw himself NICE.

wHO CARES. We already know John will get it when he needs it.

GO CHASE THE MAN!!!

Oh, man! Grandpa is way more important! Ugh. Who is gonna tell Jade that her grandpa came back to life and preferred to pay a visit to JOHN first.

They are SALAMANDERS. He just said it!

Yeah, what giv— 

JESUS CHRIST.

Everyone run to shelter!! Take your sons and daughters, say your prayers to the frog gods!! JOHN YOU DUMB FUCK.

The face of a man who has realized his mistake one moment too late. Also peeing his pants, probably.