aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED, Spoiler Alert: Dave was, but they weren’t.

common sense: hoe don’t do it
me: *ignores all the asks and keeps liveblogging*
common sense: OH MY GOD

ONE DAY, GUYS. One day I will reply, I promise. 

A letter from John to Rose! He is wishing her happy birthday and thanking her for being a great friend, AWWWW. 

i know you like to make it out like you’re playing it cool and don’t care much about the people in your life, but i know deep down you really do. hell, not even that deep down.

Rose, your “cool facade game” is too weak! It doesn’t even fool John Egbert, let alone the others. Well, maybe it works with Dave. He’s too busy with dealing with his brother’s unspeakable levels of irony and freaking out about strongly suggestive puppets to really figure other people out!

it’s like, um, like your subconscious is having a wet t-shirt contest, and you being all aloof is this totally soggy shirt doing no good at all at hiding nothin’.

John, that was… the worse metaphor one could ever choose while referring to a lady friend. Although John is far too deep into Mcconaughey and Ghost Busters to really care about girls. Ladies?? Romance?! What is the meaning of those mysterious words you speak??? Truly perplexing, the one true Ultimate Riddle. 

oh wait, it looks like two can play at this game of cracking all these high falutin psychology books! AW SNAP!!!

I’M GOING TO GET DIABETES, HE IS SO ADORB. John keeps being the one and only beautiful cinnamon roll of the webcomic. Sorry, Jade, he snatched the title from you with such ease, such majesty!

but yeah, i got you this because i think you’re really creative and you could make something nice with it if you put your mind to it. and it might help you take your mind off a lot of all this serious business you’re always absorbed in. you know, all this weirdo pseudo-gothy stuff or whatever. frankly it’s kind of depressing.

JOHN, I’M GOING TO CRY. This is what Rose told Jade:

sub•tle /ˈsʌtəl/adj., -tler, -tlest.

1. delicate;
   
2. hard to notice by means of the senses:the subtle smell of her perfume.
   
3. difficult to notice, perceive, understand, or explain: the subtle irony of his jokes. delicate or faint; mysterious: a subtle smile.
   
4. cunning, wily, or crafty: a subtle liar.
   

dig /dɪɡ/ 

1. the act of digging
2. a thrust or poke, esp in the ribs
3. a cutting or sarcastic remark
   
4. informal an archaeological excavation

frank•ly (frangk′lē),

1. in a frank manner;
   
2. freely;
   
3. candidly;
   
4. openly;
   
5. plainly;

?????? WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT??????

Rose, honey, I’m afraid you are misunderstanding. You are barking up the wrong tree. Specifically, one could say your tree is in New Zealand and you are still stuck in bloody Canada.

The kids’ birthdays are all at the beginning of December except John’s, which is the same day as Bec’s. This was the third time it was brought up. Making it not simply a coincidence? Possible meaning: …WHAT? AM I SUPPOSED?? TO SPECULATE ABOUT??? HERE????

IT’S A TROLL IT’S A TROLL IT’S A TROLL. FINALLY.

Isn’t that monster… strikingly similar to those in Rose’s Grimoire… attacking a very purple sort of kingdom…. NO, WAIT. IT’S JUST ONE OF ROSE’S TENTACLE MONSTERS, RIGHT?? But you know, I have been re-reading the first acts and consequently her Grimoire and… the same monsters of Rose’s Grimoire that have been hinted to exist… are placed in the Furthest Ring, when the Incipisphere’s structure is indeed composed by rings and the Dark Kingdom is placed beyond the furthest one….. like it was showed here… wouldn’t the moon of the dark kingdom at a certain point during its orbit… get just were the monsters are???! Much like Prospit’s moon orbits into Skaia?? So John and Jade get cute cloud mirages while Rose and Dave get THOSE FUCKING HUGE ASS MONSTERS??? I’m going to cry????

NEW CHUMHANDLESSSSS… Trollhandles…? How should I call them?!

……………..How do I make hypothesis about this one? Are you okay, kid? You sure? Centaurs represent the struggle between good and evil, moderation and excess, forgiveness and retaliation. They are also tamed by their instincts. Could make a really interesting character! …Unless they have a perverse obsession with centaurs and that’s all. I had the same problem with AG.

gallowsCalibrator! Or so it seems from what I see. Hey, it’s carcinoGeneticist’s counterpart! Basically, they never ever capitalize anything, and they are the nicest and sweetest person ever! But don’t be fooled! Because while CG is trying to help you not to fuck up, GC will lure you with their nice manners and be the one who will make you fuck up in the first place! Okay, no. I don’t know if they will really be opposites.

Gallows… WHOA, WHAT, GALLOWS??? Who are these kids, seriously??? Between Caligula, Armageddon and now this, I don’t even know. Calibrator…. Well, our kids want to become comedians and rappers, those kids hangman and tyrants. But who am I to judge?? They’re beginning to sound like they come out of a dystopian novel, honestly.

cuttlefishCuller! Mmmhh. Whose counterpart’s are you, huh? GG is taken, TT is too. The only remaining is AA, who isn’t even on the screen! AT is also missing! C’mon, guys, don’t be shy! I can’t wait to make useless speculation on your chumhandles too! Although to be fair CC is actually GG’s counterpart. And if they really happen to be opposites I SURE DON’T WANT TO MEET THIS ONE.
Now, back to the chumhandle… depending on what you mean by culler the meaning changes drastically. It could mean collecting cuttlefishes or isolating and banishing them! Who would be so evil to such nice creatures?? Not that they would care or understand but still rude. This situation is similar to what happened with caligulaAquarius. I hope that one of them loves aquatic fauna and the other hates it, they would have the BEST AND MOST RIDICULOUS FIGHTS. Like… CA is going to “accidentally” kill the cuttlefish pet that CC obviously owns and CA secretly never could stand, and justify everything with “I thought you might have wanted to prototype it! Really, I just did you a favor, you should thank me!”.

….Yes, I’m speculating about the relationship between two characters that I have yet to meet. Amazing.

arsenicCatnip! arsenic, in this case used as an adjective, containing arsenic, so basically poisonous. Catnip, or how to get your cat high in two easy steps, an herb. Mmmhh. I don’t really know what to make of this one. We probably got a feisty kid?? Because they refer to themselves as poisonous so maybe dangerous or something? Poisonous catnip. Seriously, I don’t know. Just… I strongly suggest you do not leave animals in their care, especially not cats, if you want them back alive.

grimAuxiliatrix! The troll of the moment! AND ALSO THE FIRST WHOSE GENDER I CAN SAFELY GUESS. Auxiliatrix, helper, from Latin, noun, FEMININE. Hello, girl. Grim… so someone who is often forced to help others when they don’t want to? But let’s find out what she wants from our Rose!

……….Well, Rose. It looks like you found a rightful challenger to your wits and purple prose…. Umh. So why don’t you girls have your nice trolling session, I will come back later, when words are easier to understand and metaphor get of an acceptable length again. Buh-bye!

Oh, no. Oh, no no no. I tried to ignore it the first time but she did it again! GA, I just wanted to point out the fact that using human as an adjective like that…. can only be done when you’re are not a part of this species. But I fear that is what you were striving for, and I suddenly feel like screaming endlessly…

i still like her tho, i still like her

Rose doesn’t believe them. Do I believe them? I’m not sure. Aliens don’t speak English, nor do they know Latin, or what cancer, catnip, spiders and centaurs are. And they certainly don’t use Pesterchum. So, color me veeeeery skeptical. After all, they ARE trolls. Why should I believe to a word they say? I don’t know, I need to think this over. 

I know she’s being sarcastic but… it really is not complicated. All you would need is a Sburb player with time powers who could merge (??) them with Pesterchum. I think it’s something one could do. They would need to be pretty talented, both with time powers and programming though.

THAT’S THE POINT. Rose never ceases to ask the right questions. Why put so much effort in this?? CG said they wanted to prevent Jade from “fucking everything up” and I now know there are no psychics here, only pretty cloud mirages. Cloud mirages seem to be related only to the player’s own game session. Therefore… Jade fucked up so thoroughly and amazingly, that she messed up those kid’s session too??? Through weird space powers or something?? (yes, I’m pretty settled on Jade being the Witch for the time being) WHAT DID SHE DO ANYWAYYYYY

Oh, my godness. Oh, dear. I just realized the sheer stupidity of this system. I want to meet the genius who thought it up. It’s what CG is doing, isn’t it?!? Whenever Jade blocks them, they just go back to a point in which they haven’t been blocked yet! IT’S RIDICULOUS. It makes things so unnecessarily complicated! Their future would be our kids’ past and their past would be our kids’ future! Ridiculous but potentially hilarious. Because Rose is a smart kid and got the hang of this system instantly:

But… imagine a conversation between say JOHN and another troll OR EVEN BETTER, a conversation between John and CG. Just John understanding virtually nothing and CG perpetually screaming. It’s going to be so majestic. NO, WAIT EVEN BETTER, DAVE AND CG. OH MY GOD. I CAN’T WAIT.

And so a beautiful friendship was born. By that I mean that Rose chose to play along and troll this girl back. So sorry, GA.

Months in the past, at the Striders’ household, lived a boy who would one day become a Knight. But for the time being, nobody, not even himself, fully realized what his and his BRO’s apartment really concealed; a vault of horrors. So one day some business men in a suit came and rang the bell. They happened to be the Child Services. BRO, obviously alarmed, took his shitty katana and— Okaaay, okay. I will stop. 

OHHHHH, MY GOD. His shades. He is a mini copy of BRO. Just… Just no. Plus, they look ridiculous on his face. Maybe it’s because his face is just so round. It clashes.

CAN’T YOU TELL JOHN GAVE UP ON THE HAIR I’M LAUGHING SO HARD.

i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are. seriously, on any other day i would be downplaying how you aren’t really as cool as you think you are, but just between you and me i think you might actually be that cool.

THIS IS IMPORTANT. FOR DAVE HEARING THIS FROM JOHN, WHO IS THE ONE DAVE ALWAYS TURNS TO FIRST, IT’S IMPORTANT. I don’t know why John has been such a jerk to Dave lately, maybe it’s stress, maybe he’s slowly snapping, but… THEY’RE SO EFFING CUTE. And I did not tear up at this, what are you talking about.

i think you just gotta get out of your bro’s shadow and spread your wings dude!!!

Isn’t this just what I’ve been saying from the start? That Dave needs to stop trying to emulate his brother and discover his own personality and his own hobbies????? John is such a dweeb but he is a dweeb who knows exactly what his friends need. And John and Dave need to go back to being super cool buddies ASAP.

so i got you these. they’re totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller’s weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i’m sure you’ll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn’t have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time.

And so he never removed them from his face. He will cherish them till the end of times. Unironically. Completely, utterly unironically. What a beautiful dork.

they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro’s dumb pointy anime shades.

Anime shades…. And he sleeps on a futon…. Fights with a katana…. Guys, BRO is an otaku.

ANOTHER ONEEEEEEE. Man, I’m meeting all these people today, it’s so nice.

AA and AT are finally here!!!!!!! So to speak…

apocalypseArisen!!! Such an optimist, cheerful chumhandle! You and TA buddies or something? Well, kinda ominous. Most likely related to Sburb, not their personality. Like, as I said before, with TA. The beautiful thing is that I don’t know if they changed the chumhandles after they began playing Sburb or if they were just both plotting to destroy the world together. ….I like the second option more. I need myself some cool villain.

adiosToreador! This one has a tragic backstory. Since they were little, there was only one thing on their mind: becoming a toreador. One day while they were training (yes, thirteen y/o kids can train to become toreadors, shut up) they had a oh-so-terrible accident! What? No, nothing that terrible. Let me explain. Kid was colorblind, alright? And on that fateful day they were meant to put on a maroon costume and take their red cloth, you follow? Only they messed up and switched the colors! And with a red costume… fighting a bull…. you can tell how that played out. Kid never had the courage to enter a bullring ever again. They like to remind themselves of this failure everyday thanks to their cool chumhandle. “FAREWELL, MY BEAUTIFUL FUTURE.”

…….I felt creative, okay?? I’m glad I’m finished with speculation on chumhandles, please don’t let me do this ever again.

Meeting the ex-bullfighter with Dave!

Kid, you forgot the caps lock on. Making every initial of the period a lower case letter. How the heck do they even type?!?? It’s like they want to scream in all caps but do not want to be rude at the same time or something, what the heck! It’s like CG rubbed off on them but not completely!

Dave just ignored everything the kid said to comment their typing style. Which is exactly what I just did. Dave Strider is my spirit animal. Dave Strider is a gift.

They’re trying so hard, OH MY GOD. ….human cortex….sigh.

I’M LAUGHING SO HARD, WHO WAS IT??? Please, show me this conversation, I beg of you, I NEED TO SEE IT. I DON’T CARE IF IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED.

Sooo, umh, like… not only did Jade fuck up, but… huh, Dave also, maybe probably did? OH NO, IT’S RUBBING OFF ON MEEEE!!!!

Maybe??? Depending by your sexual orientation??? Or just how comfortable you are with innuendo??? Shouldn’t you know by yourself.

Dave, are you attempting to troll the troll????? Please, continue, I’m watching.

I’M GOING TO CRY, SOMEONE HELP.

I CANNOT BREATHE.

POOR KID. Dave, you’re gonna traumatize him or something! He delved into this head first without knowing what to do. GA said that trolling wasn’t her idea, but it sure wasn’t this kid’s idea either!

OH MY FUCKING GOD. He probably triggered the poor kid. Of all the people they could have chosen to troll, WHY DAVE.

PLEASE BE ONE OF THE TROLLS, PLEASE BE ONE OF THE TROLLS, PLEASE BE ONE OF THE TROLLS

……………Sigh.

The Aimless Renegade.

You have identified a couple of unwelcome rogues outside your present stronghold. They are in violation of your jurisdiction. 

Oh, that’s why they were shooting. AR, you could just share, you know. And as I said before, they’re just a democracy maniac and a very passionate post LADY.

Despite your ordinarily striking marksmanship, you have spent your entire ammo clip without recording a single killshot.

Yeah, weren’t they in Jade’s frog temple??

SBURB SPIROGRAPH

Nobody even made them. The temple just…kind of grew there.

THOSE ARE PROPERTY OF THE HARLEYS! Who is breaking law now, huh?

Really, who sent these suggestions, do you want to kill the dorks hidden behind that rock or what?

FYCJING— NOOOO!

Stop rubbing my mistake on my face, okay?? She is a really badass lady.

THEN AGAIN??

Oh, COME ON. Here is another justice freak. I’m telling you, these guys are all here because they refused to fight the war or something similar.

They are becoming SELF-AWARE. Everybody run!!!

….Is that… a grenade….

……I swear… sometimes I really can’t deal with these guys’ bullshit.

Awww, Jade lost her electric bass in the temple. She will be so sad.

NOOOOO! AR, I’M THE ONE WHO SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU HURT THEM…

I still can’t believe she planned this all.

Yeah, I agree. Jade can be confusing. With coquettish riddles and such.

……..I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU WAIT FOR THAT EXPLOSION TO HAPPEN BEFORE MOVING.

….Aimless, hehe.

She’s looking at you like she wants to slay you slowly. If you stopped being a coward and started to fight properly, she would show you.

THE SHITTIEST AIM ON THE SURFACE ON POST-APOCALYPSE EARTH, Serenity could do it better.

AAAWWW, he’s trying to help PM…. PUTTING HIMSELF IN EVEN MORE IMMEDIATE DANGER, YOU FOOL!

The SBAHJ references, they never cease to amaze me.

….If he just gets mildly hurt, I’m going to kill AR myself. I love how WV isn’t even flaying about or something. He just stands there, motionless, as he is being launched through the air.

Jade, you almost killed them both to deliver that stupid present. I WON’T TOLERATE THIS.

                                                        MAIL.

SENDIFICATE!!!!!! A sendificator! And since Jade doesn’t have an apparifier for herself, she could ask WV and PM to get Dave’s copy of the game on her behalf and sendificate it back to her!

A cute butterfly…? Remember how I said that after a panel that seems unrelated shows up something horrible happens next?

…What’s that?

AAAAAAHHHHH, GRANDPAAAAA!!!!!! Why would you kill the poor butterfly! You can’t even stuff it, that’s just cruel! Man, why must every relative of the kids be so messed up…

Oh, my gosh! I cannot stand this cuteness, this is too much. And Grandpa just randomly banishing poor butterflies out of existence in the background, yeah.

That was for future you, Jade!

Mystery arm spotted!

………John, I knew you two were exchanging bad fashion tips, I just knew it. Still, how do you explain…. the abomination…. YOUR HAIRCUTS!!

dear jade,
happy birthday!!!
it’s hard to thank you enough for your friendship over the years. heck, if it weren’t for you i wouldn’t even have met rose and dave, so that is like, THREE TIMES the friendship! that is almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP. ha ha. i only wish i could get you something for your birthday that could remotely make up for what you’ve given me, but of course that’s impossible. so here are a couple silly things anyway!

This cheesy dumb letter did not just make me tear up. It did not. Absolutely NOT.  And she introduced the kids to each other… though it probably was this letter in the first place, wasn’t it?

i went to a weird asian store the other day and saw this rad shirt, so i got it and i’m wearing it now! but there was a blue one too which was way more awesome, and i wanted you to have it. i know you like green a lot, but maybe you’d like to try wearing blue sometimes? i bet you’d look like a million bucks! also i know you’ve been frustrated lately about how your pumpkins keep disappearing. well, i can’t begin to explain why that’s happening! all i can do is give you these so you can plant some more. don’t give up, jade! wherever those dumb old pumpkins went off to, i’m sure you know the fun is in growing them and taking care of them until they’re ready!

Nah, don’t worry, she got it a little early, actually… like, probably nine years earlier, nothing to worry about.

John preemptively put everything into motion, without even knowing.

AR is destroying something else?

IT’S JUST DAD! Destroying Jack Noir! I told you, dog. I warned you about DAD!

WHOA!!! Back off!!! DAD is UNTOUCHABLE. You cannot touch him, harm him, least of all kill him! UNTOUCHABLE, I’m making a list with all the untouchable characters. Which basically amounts to everyone right now, huh.

NONONONO NONONO NO BAD!!!

PFFFFTAHAHAHAHAH! That could also work! But you are only giving him an excuse not to wear that thing. LOOK AT JACK’S FACE, OH DEAR.

I LOVE JACK NOIR. HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS GRACELESS  DORKY ARCHAGENT? I LOVE HIM.

DAD, YOUR SON IS WAITING! IT IS TIME FOR HIM TO BE PROUD OF YOU!

…….Okay???

Those things are just an everyday occurrence for Jade. She gets her omnipotent dog to carry her around, gets glimpses from the future, strifes with her dead grandpa. ~Just Jade Harley’s Things~

HERE WE GOOOOO, THIS WILL BE INTERESTING. Let’s hope Bec doesn’t catch her in there.

…..Later. Now it seems Dave is really getting down to business, and it only took him three acts, and one thousand strifes with BRO!

IT’S GETTING TOO REAL. I’M NOT READY— WAIT, NO, I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’ve waited literal thousands of pages for this, GO ON.

Rose, I can understand Dave cracking jokes, but you?! You were kinda going to die for a moment there. I love this two together as a team, though, I can’t wait to see them in action.

And I can’t wait but I will have to, because it’s getting really late and I have to stop here! Plus, there is probably scream-worthy material in this one flash, I don’t want to wake up the neighborhood or anything.