yet another homestuck liveblog.

3/16/2015 12:28:51 AM ¶ ●

I don’t even have a title. I’m too crestfallen to care.

This is my third attempt at eating and/or drinking while liveblogging this thing and the first two did not end well, all thanks to John. I spat tea all over my keyboard. BUT THIRD TIME’S A CHARM and I take a stab at it again with tea and cookies. Let’s hope John is less of a dork in this post.

Where was I? …Oh, man. Dave’s STRIFE. Oh, gosh.

I clicked. There is no turning back. Let’s hope that nobody falls from the building, that no meteor hits them while they fight, that BRO isn’t as creepy in this flash, that there won’t be any suicide attempts, etc, etc…

*crosses fingers*

THAT’S A LOT OF—

NEVERMIND.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A STRIFE WITH BRO I COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT THAT STUPID PUPPET

ARE YOU SHITTING ME. HE CANNOT EVEN LAND A HIT ON CAL, LET ALONE HIS BROTHER.

THAT’S IT???? This let me down so much, you have no idea. Well, only ROUND ONE but still. I expected so much more. Some insightful stuff about their relationship! Like with Rose and her mother’s strife… I don’t know. I expected more. This was kinda disappointing.

OOOOHHHH, MY. Was this supposed to scare me?? I think Cal is losing its touch. BRO and Cal just look ridiculous. Now I’m waiting for the day I stop screeching every time squiddles show up and do… that… tangled up thingy—OH GOD.

….That will take more time, I think.

YES. This is way more interesting and I’ve been waiting for it.

THE SASSINESS, IT’S BLINDING ME. You got the right person, girl.

Yes, well. She has to feed her pet dragon with irradiated food as she does any other day and probably will meet her grandpa and hopefully it will end up in a more interesting strife than the Striders one. Make it quick, Rose.

So Dave WILL pull through and get her in The Medium! …As soon as he stops fighting with inanimate objects, that is.

IS SHE EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT AT THIS POINT?? Yes, Jade Harley here, professional psychic at your service, did you need to know anything in particular?

Yes, it had to be the crappiest day ever, this fits the descriptio— WHAT. Jade never lied??? She doesn’t have the game! She knew about the game but not about its name… She’s so fucked.

She’s not fucked. She knew about everything beforehand. She knows of a way to get a copy, the little shit. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so unconcerned. …I thought she got little glimpses of the future, but it looks like she knows every little detail now. …Whenever I think I got the hang of her powers she pulls things like these on me…

But actually, getting a copy shouldn’t be that hard. Jade has transportalizers in her house, right? And they showed the same symbol of the contraption in WV’s capsule. So who says her grandpa doesn’t have an appearifier hidden somewhere?? All she would have to do is appearify the only copy nobody is using and nobody is going to use anytime soon. That would be Dave’s copy. All she would have to do is sneak into her grandpa’s laboratory or wherever they store the thing and appearify Dave’s game. And you may say: “But how would she know the right coordinates??”. Well, Jade has already seen the way she will get a copy. In this case she would have seen herself insert the coordinates, and would know what to type into the thing. Easy. This is the most logical theory I’ve ever freaking written. I don’t even care if I’m wrong. It makes perfect sense.

Okay, I was lying… I think I will scream if it just turns out grandpa has a copy hidden somewhere.

ROSE. You keep yourself and your ambiguous opinions on Jade’s home situation as far away as possible. HE’S NOT THAT KIND OF SCIENTIST, OKAY? …I think.

They will be fine because I just said so. I won’t have another strider-like situation. DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR??

My Homestuck experience so far.

Patience may not be Rose’s forte, but she makes it up with courage. She will be alright. Hell, the girl stared at meteors all around her and smirked intrigued. She takes every freaking thing as a personal challenge.

JADE. BRINGING THE APOCALYPSE IS NOT GOING TO BE FUN. KILLING EVERYONE ON EARTH ISN’T GOING TO BE FUN.

I don’t think she’s grasped this concept yet.

Jade just outdid herself with the hearts. Probably compensating for the fact that Rose will nearly die engulfed by flames before entering The Medium and SHE KNOWS ALREADY.

You are now the other girl several hours in the future.
It appears a secret passage in the mausoleum has been opened.

BY YOUR MOTHER, WHO SAVED YOUR ASS. Be thankful.

So green, much shiny. Sburb laboratory ahead? Sburb laboratory ahead.

AAAHHHH, WHY NOW.

Try as you might, you can’t stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends. You dwell on a particular configuration of REMINDERS on your finger.

This is from Jade’s POV. Those are things she has seen by herself. When will I get an explanation? Will I EVER get one?

Oh, the cruel irony. Killed by the very same weighty tome that brought his grandma away before they even had any chance to meet… As his grandma watches…

SPRITES CAN RESTORE HEALTH TOO?? With the power of the mighty cookies…. The Egbert family, everyone.

The random POV switches irk me SO MUCH.

I wouldn’t get SO CLOSE.

The early worm gets the mail box.

…The angry soldier is gonna wreck its shit.

YOU FUCKING DID IT, WEIRD WORM THING! NOW YOU GONNA GET A TASTE OF HIS WRATH!!

I better get used to random POV switches.

Rose’s FAQ?!?! ROSE THIS IS GOING TO FAR, YOU’RE GOING TO GET INCINERATED AND YOU’RE STILL— Oh. It’s John??

He speaks holy words, wise words.

I can’t believe that out of the four kids JOHN EGBERT of all people gets to play the Straight Man.

………..Every time you insult him, I take note of it. One day you will pay for this.

BEHOLD THE “AMAZING HACKER SKILLZ” I GOT TEA UP MY NOSE AGAIN!! GODDAMMIT, EGBERT!

Because his file naming choices of “UGGHH.ath” did not at all give away his frustration and failures at programming, no sir.

……………….I’m…. not laughing anymore…. Did he hit his head…. when did he get so smart….

N-no, John… It’s okay… I misjudged. I’m so sorry. I will never call you dumb ever again.

KEEP BELIEVING.

That sounds like it makes a lot of sense. I wouldn’t know, I didn’t really get everything. I just hope it isn’t going to be relevant.

How much time did that take??

The website doesn’t work anymore. :(

Back to Rose! SN. Sburb…N…. Nah. I got nothing.

~~Grandpa Harley here??~~

OH. That’s pretty big.

IT’S PRETTY FREAKING BIG, SERIOUSLY WHO EVEN NEEDS A PLACE LIKE THIS??

CAN’T I JUST STAY WITH ROSE FOR A WHILE

Well, she really will be spoiled for choice when it will be time to prototype. Some of those animals… are kind of ..abnormal.

THIS DOESN’T MEAN THEY HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE TO KEEP BELIEVING.

Grandpa just has… a weird taste.

One of these is not like the others…

Although, those travels… And he has SO MUCH stuff. I hope he doesn’t leave her alone for too long. She seemed pretty independent, but still. She’s only thirteen. And I don’t think anyone else lives on the island.

OH.

OH. JESUS. OH. OH GOD. SWEET LORD.

These are words I never thought I would utter but

DAVE HAS GOT IT SO GOOD WITH THE PUPPETS

W-why don’t we see what the guy is up to?

I tried to find a gif that could convey my emotions. I failed. What… the fuck?

KEEP BELIEVING KEEP BELIEVING
NICE RELATIONSHIP NORMAL RELATIONSHIP KEEP BELIEVING!!!

S-sisters?? I can feel my hopes fading…

Is he nuts???

I PREFERRED WHEN GUARDIANS DIDN’T UTTER A WORLD.

This is incredibly creepy. Jade, honey, I never thought I would say this. I was betting on this relationship. I really was. Run. I think you’re better off on your own. Honestly, Grandpa puts those women on a pedestal and tells Jade maybe one day she will be worthy of being there. Wouldn’t that put pressure on the kid shoulders, make her worried that she won’t meet his expectations?? I’m looking too much into things again, aren’t I?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

JADE, WHATEVER YOU DO, NEVER, EVER PROTOTYPE THAT THING. OR THE MUMMIES, NOT THE MUMMIES.

Mmmhhh. I have seen something similar before.

Yeah, it’s John’s browser icon/wallpaper whatever! The other kids’ ones are identical, only in different colors. …. And if one exists the other should too. Hidden somewhere in the kids’ houses??

JOHN GETS INTO HIS DAD’S ROOM AND FINDS ANOTHER OF THOSE HUGE ASS THINGS IN THE BLUE VARIATION. …WELL, JADE HAS GOT THE GREEN ONE, ONLY FAIR JOHN GETS THE BLUE.

…He would pass out at the sight of it and you know it. Not before screaming like a little girl, let’s be clear.

Grandpa is there. I was looking forward to their strife?? Now I’m not so sure??

Maybe Dave sent you so many messages that Pesterchum decided to let you know anyway, in case it was important. (It won’t be.)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD YESSSSS NICE

I didn’t expect this so soon! I thought they would be mentioned before seeing a conversation!

*cracks fingers* BRING IT ON.

They are amazing friends. She’s so happy to hear from them, look.

~Friendship is magic~

Jade has done absolutely nothing relevant other than trying to badly conceive her powers, what are you talking about, grey text kid. FUUUUUUUCK. WAIT. How would you know that she’s going to fuck up something?? AAAUUUGHHHH. Other psychics. Other fucking psychics.

Finally? You been waiting for this?

Mmmmh. Have they already talked about this?

HACKERS, JADE.

And you can’t block them? I’ve got what you really need:

Seriously, if all those people on Pesterchum are being mean to her why doesn’t she just use another program to chat with the others?? Or EVEN EASIER, just change chumhandle and give it only to the other kids? Or MORE EFFECTIVE, just tell Grandpa so he doxes them all, and sends his personal squad to beat them up? …Protective Grandpa Harley is an headcanon that won’t ever die no matter how much of a weirdo he is. I like it simply too much.

Oooooohhhh, someone is pretty sure of themselves here!! Well, I will have you know that Jade is a freaking nuclear physicist. I doubt you can beat that. What are you? A crappy hacker geneticist? Pffft.

Both Jade and John wouldn’t be able to make a decent comeback if their lives depended on it.

Random person: you’re lameeeee
John and Jade: well, you’re lamer!!!!
Random person: …did you just insult yourself?
John and Jade: …ffffffuck.

NOOOO, JADE. Don’t block them!

…You may have wanted to make them tell you how you fucked up. They WERE trying to change your mind after all.

ALTHOUGH they didn’t seem to care at all about Jade. Which means that whatever she did, it probably concerns them. They wouldn’t bother to help otherwise. Mmmhhh. I also think they are a boy but I cannot be completely sure.

And just what did they do to piss off Jade so thoroughly. I mean… Jade is sunshine and rainbows, hearts emoticons and too many exclamation points, how do you even manage to piss her off.

And I’ve been thinking about how all these new characters come into play… literally! They cannot be in our kids’ session. Because there are four planets and four spires and four everything so nope.

It could be another session. Although if we believe to what Rose said, sessions are separated and each one has their own dimension. They wouldn’t play together. I don’t get the purpose of having another session, with other kids.

Also, about Jade. Change her mind?? What is she planning??

And if she does fuck something up, it should be BEFORE she enters The Medium. AFTER, nothing she could do would concern someone who is in another dimension or still on Earth.

And WHAT does she fuck up anyway. And she didn’t fuck something up she fucked EVERYTHING up. What the heck, Jade??

Okay so I looked up what writing in all caps may mean and:

This is the first image that came up I’M CRYING.

BUT I ALSO FOUND THIS INTERESTING ANALYSIS THAT I’M BOOKMARKING FOR WHEN I PROPERLY MEET THEM:

Plus they wrote in gray of all the colors so yeah, pretty anonymous.

413, ~~blaze~~ play it. PLAY SBURB. DESTROY YOUR PLANET.

IT’S A TRANSPORTALIZER.

jaSPER NO

ROSE ROSE ROSE YOUR DEAD CAT SHOULDN’T BE ON THERE

Goodbye Jasper, our time together was short but surely intense. I enjoyed immensely your sassy talks with Rose… even though she was the only one who could hear you. I’m sure you had a quirky and witty personality.

Don’t worry, he’s fine. Well, as fine as you can be being dead. Plus, This is not really a goodbye since you’re obviously going to prototype him.

Rose is starting not to like the “little surprises” the tree modus makes to her anymore.

I THOUGHT THE MODUS WASN’T A PHYSICALLY EXISTING THING.

Why can’t Rose get a break….? And SKAIANET.

THOUSANDS of years, probably. And there wasn’t such an advanced technology that far ago. Guess it got made the same way the temple on Jade’s island did.

Again, he’s too busy fighting with the family’s imposed mascot to bother.

The shortest lifespan in the webcomic. I seriously doubt we’re gonna get anyone who lasts shorter. It would be along the lines of “Enter nam— Oh, shoot. It seems they’re dead now. …Well, this is awkward. Moving on.”

…Which considering the sense of humor the author has been displaying so far, wouldn’t be that impossible of a scenario.

Soooo, he goes from John’s house toooo…. possibly Dave’s house?? I doubt he’s going to Rose’s house. WV just got away from there. And obviously I would be delighted if he got to Jade’s house and met WV. I want to know if they would bond over the misfortune of being wanders in the desert or slay each other because they come from opposite factions. But that’s probably too much to ask. Unless both the capsules have her house as the designed destination when the “home” command is inserted.

….For how much time has he been Cal’s personal dancing floor?

ACTUAL COMMUNICATION. GOD BLESS.

HE LEARNT THE BALLERINA POSE FROM HIS BRO, LOOK!

You guys are breaking some laws here. Besides the fact that being that cool should be considered illegal in many countries, I’m referring to the laws of physic. And you’re defying gravity a little too much.

How did he not broke at least five bones…?? Has BRO been training Dave?? They’re both really good, but BRO is still way too strong for Dave.

Why I’m not freaking out about Dave falling down those stairs? Honestly, after seeing these guys’ daily shenanigans this is probably the healthiest way they interact. The Striders version of family bonding.

Really!? What makes you think so? I question your judgment, Rose.

Mmmmh. There are also five Spirograph portal or gates or whatever they’re called.

Well, well, well… And what do we have here? Another map of the Incipisphere. Although this is not our kids’ session. And RIGHT AFTER a new character has been introduced. There were more than eight people on Jade’s Trollslum list though. Or… I may have been looking to much into things… Maybe the scrollbar doesn’t mean anything. BUT even the chumhandles that WERE shown are only five. There must be more people. Maybe we will have three Sburb sessions?? I mean… Why not?

One with four kids, one with eight and the other with all those who remain.

THIS EXPLAINS SO MANY FREAKING THINGS I’M AN IDIOT. That’s why there were so many meteors falling near Rose’s house even though she lives in the middle of a forest. AND also why a meteor has fallen on Jade’s island, even though she’s not playing yet and grandpa sure isn’t either.

The Earth is so doomed. Civilization wasn’t that great anyway.

There are like thousands of meteors which hit all near the same place…

The random tea set?? Someone just sits here sipping tea and watching humanity fall apart. Nice. Now you just need to stroke a cat and a glass of marti….ni—…………..Rose’s Mom? Stroking Jasper’s fur… Drinking alcohol, I just had an illumination. It fits. I just found out who the big villain was all along: MOM LALONDE.

Okay, I’m kidding but Mom and Grandpa are so effing suspicious, honestly.

AND NANNA. FREAKING NANNA. She knew every little detail.

So I speculated about a previous Sburb session but I am pretty sure that’s not it anymore. Because meteors hit everywhere, not just where a player is. If just two persons decide to play the game, the whole planet is done for.

GET OUT OF THERE, ROSE. YOU INVESTIGATED ENOUGH.

WHY IS JADE’S METEOR SO FUCKING BIG I’M GOING TO CRY.

I mean… It’s obviously Jade’s meteor, right?

The other one should be Dave’s.

And John’s meteor was also the biggest in his neighborhood. So the players’ meteors are always significantly bigger than the others.

> Rose: GET OUT OF THERE AND DON’T DIE.

Zoom out, girl.

I LOVE HOW ROSE DID NOT HESITATE ONE SECOND.

“Oh, look. John is fighting with some giant version of an imp. Also doing freaking pirouettes in the air while NANNA helps with her flashy laser powers. Guess I will give them an hand.”

THE GRIST. LOOK AT ALL THAT SWEET GRIST.

FAMILY TEAMWORK, YAY!

I panicked for a moment because I thought it was one of those random arms that show up every once in a while.

Rose.

ROSE.

THE COUNTDOWN.

ROSE!!!

PRIORITIES, ROSE!!!!!

Well, I cannot disagree.

JOHN, I’M PRETTY SURE I ALREADY RANTED ABOUT THIS, BUT YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL.

Nanna, you are so subtle, and not obvious at all like your grandson.

When will John stop trying to cheat?? Honestly, just get off that lazy butt AND FIGHT LIKE A HERO. The hero Jade thinks you are, and an hero your DAD can be really proud of.

Why, John, that’s clever. Nanna cannot say no to that.

John is almost never sassy and when he says things like these I completely and inexorably crack up.

The place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds?? Constellations dance above the clouds. Wait, constellations don’t dance at all. Unless you’re trying to be poetic.

IT’S SO PRETTY.

I TOLD YOU DAD EGBERT WAS GOING TO UTTERLY DESTROY YOU

I feel almost bad. He is just resigned to his fate.

Jesus, DAD, calm down, there is a limit to everything. The poor things are just doing their job!
….I just found the true purpose of the boondollars. John will have to pay for the structural damages.

Guys, someone is watching the Egbert family. And they have a very bad case of scoliosis. Man, go get checked.

THOSE ARE JUST A GIGANTIC VERSION OF JADE’S WINDOWS, GODDAMMIT.

AND THEY WERE GRANDPA’S BEFORE. GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUU??????

nOT AN IMP. AND DEAR GOD, PUT AN HAT ON. THAT IS HORRIBLE TO WATCH.

Dear bountiful sir, care to tell me who would you be?

Well now. That’s a bit harsh. They’re trying their best but DAD is simply too strong, he has been handling that shaving cream for decades.

…..He’s getting INTRODUCED?!?! He could be one of the bad guys I mean look at how pissed he is AND HE IS GETTING INTRODUCED, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS??? ….Like five days. Whoa.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH GODDAMMIT GOD FUCKING DAMMIT GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

I’m so glad I was alone in the house because I am embarrassing and I just emitted the loudest frustrated scream??? This is the THIRD TIME this webcomic has made me scream audibly.

PM. *deep sigh*
First WV with Jade, now this.
See you another time, pissed off dude.

THE BARCODE. What does the thing mean, exactly? Well, they were all members of the armies in The Medium, I suppose. He doesn’t look like a fighter, to be honest. …Neither does WV, I got worried that he would hurt himself when he started handling that “trusty knife” of his. Who says they HAD to be soldiers anyway. Actually, it makes more sense if they weren’t?? The war between Good and Evil didn’t even start until JOHN initiated it but those people have always been there. Living, minding their own business— OH, FRICK. THAT WOULD EXPLAIN AWAY WV’S AVERSION TO HIS KING SO NICELY. If he was just living his pacific life in the Dark Kingdom and one day someone told him to forget his previous life, tattooed a barcode on his arm, forced him to be a soldier and sent him on a war… I just made myself very sad through my own speculation. INCREDIBLE.

Someone told me ACT 3 had way less dialogue but if I gotta write paragraphs and paragraphs of speculation on each panel, finishing it is gonna take THREE YEARS.

Is the date fucking obscured? I’m going to punch someone.

SERIOUS BUSINESS. David was one of DAD’s coworker, evidently.

That is not addressed to you, PM. Rude!! Well, Dr. Brimner has probably been dead for years (but not many) but he would probably turn in his grave all the same.

OH, WOW. It is underlined and in caps. Didn’t mean to question your morals here, sorry.

Pretty sure Post Man is just one word, PM. It’s not like they are superheroe—

POST MAAAAAN *batman theme song starts playing in the distance, PM switches to his hero costume and flies off into the sun* Peregrine Mendicant has one job and one mission. DELIVERING THAT FUCKING MAIL. Nothing nor nobody will stop him. No Underling, no Denizen, no Agent, no Consort, NO FUCKING BODY.

PM… Post Man…. No, I’m finished with speculation on what these people could have been doing before the war started. I’m definitely not making myself sad while imagining PM just living a normal life being all happy-go-lucky delivering mail— FUCK.

Aaaawww.

HE’S REALLY PASSIONATE, THAT’S FOR SURE.

I-Is he crying…?? And has he been collecting mail boxes as he wandered in the desert…?

If you look up on the dictionary you find those exact synonymous.

!!!!!!!!!!! He could give commands to someone too!

Ah, yes, Jade. Happily strolling around with her rifle.

Probably all those atomic gadgets she keeps around.

………..EXCUSE ME???? He could have met her in The Medium??

How formal.

She hasn’t met you YET, you silly head, you.

Jade, why are you shaking your head, you CAN’T SEE THEM.

And the whole thing is exploding, just saying. You should switch it off.

We gold, we gold, we shine
We gold, we gold, we shine

We going solar
Push up your lighters
Faster and faster
The sun rising higher—

….Ahem.

Huston, we have a problem.

How big of a problem?

Sir, to paraphrase Dave Strider:

On the next panel: You fail not to acknowledge the absurd tea set.

Yeah, because the table and the chair should totally be here. LET’S HAVE A FREAKING PICNIC.

C-cats and… Wizards…. ROSE, DOES YOUR MOTHER HAVE A BEDROOM IN THAT MANSION OF YOURS??

There is about one minute left. Rose is going TO DIE.

WHAT THE FRICK IS THAT

ROSE RUN

ONE MINUTE. ONE MINUTE LEFT.

Aaaaaaawwwwww. Take the kitty and GET OUTTA THERE.

….I won’t try to guess what’s next again.

…Yeah?

Ooohh, DAD’s room. Well, John… I thought we had established that for the sake of hilarious comic ensues, there probably won’t be anything clown related at all in there.

…Or a big ass monster… But that was more of a crack theory, to be honest.

Give me an E!
Give me an N!
Give me a D!

What does that spell? D-E-S-C—……

…

Sometimes I hate this webcomic.

THERE HE GOES. Rest in pieces, John.

NO MORE OF JADE’S HOUSE. NO MORE.

That fireplace is very much suspiciously of the Light Kingdom’s and Dark Kingdom’s colors…. And Jade would be gold because she is one of the good guys. Plus this whole thing with the photo on the fireplace reminds me of the one in John’s house with nanna aND THE ONLY MISSING THING IS JADE’S ASHES WHAT THE FREAKING HELL. THERE ARE EVEN CANDLES ON IT, GRANDPA WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM.

And I ABSOLUTELY DON’T want to think about it being foreshadowing of ANYTHING EVER.

And think of the freaking conversation that must have followed this like

“Grandpa, why did you just make me wear a golden t-shirt and took a photo?”

“Golden is the color of the team you’re rooting for, honey.”

“Grandpa, why are you hanging it up over the fireplace, it’s kind of creepy…”

“You’ll understand when you’re older, honey.”

WHAT THE FUCK.

………………………..

…………………………………what.

Considerations on this:

????????????
??????????????????
?????????????????????????

I fucking quit. I quit so hard and so strongly, everyone who has ever quit something before gets ashamed of themselves. I quit so incredibly well I get the Olympic gold medal in the quitting specialty and congratulations from the president.

I. SIMPLY. QUIT.

You ask me to speculate. There is nothing to speculate about here. This is impossible. That head shouldn’t be hang on the wall.

An handful of pages ago it has been established that there could have never been a Sburb session before the one the kids are having right now. Grandpa has never been in The Medium before, yet there are creatures that only exist inside Sburb hanging on the wall like trophies. Like animals he hunted down for sport.

Furthermore, there are four of them. Four like the kids. One is identical to the ones John has just finished fighting. Each one has striking similarities to one another. Like the kids.

Grandpa has never been in The Medium but he will get there soon. When a player gets in The Medium, they bring with them their house and its surrounding and consequently their guardian.

So unless Grandpa got into The Medium, started to hunt down the bigger imps, came back in freaking time, stuffed them and hung them up on the wall, I don’t know what’s going on.