Before you ask: yes, I genuinely think Jade's room is creepier than BRO's.

I still cannot believe I have been waiting for Jade’s introduction almost from before I FREAKING KNEW OF HER EXISTENCE and nobody felt the need to tell me it was on the next page. Seriously, guys, you’re mean… Unless the messages have been considered spoilers and deleted by my ask screener… in that case, sorry! <(‘o’<)

I feel in my heart that we have already met?? You mean she died before John was born? I thought it happened when he was little. NANNA, what are you on, you just explained that you couldn’t possibly have met him before. But OF COURSE this is some weird hint to something that is gonna happen so yeah *takes notes*

FINALLY. I SAW THE LIGHT. THIS IS MY REWARD. THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL THESE YEARS. SHE IS HERE. SHE… SHE IS SLEEPING??! 

So what do we have her—OH GODDAMMIT.

Excuse me, GG. I will return to your introduction soon. Now it’s time to get angry.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS DUMB PUMPKIN HAD BEEN ALREADY SHOWN IN GG’S HOUSE AND I LOST LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE MESSING UP WITH COORDINATES ON GOOGLE MAPS. I EVEN HAD TO CONVERT THEM BECAUSE THE DAMNED WEBSITE WOULDN’T ACCEPT THEM I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

Alright, let’s continue.

She may have been tired but to fall asleep on the freaking floor like that you should be nearly passing out from exhaustion. I remember the old times playing The Sims and screaming at them when they passed out on the floor while I was trying to drag them into a bed. Old times more like… Last week really.

Also, the word silly has been used in her introduction almost as many times as the word cool in Dave’s and now I’m suspicious. A silly facade coming up?

And I guess her instrument of choice is a flute.

AND UNDER THE READ MORE I GO!

Oh, COME ON. that’s totally not fair! She cannot defense herself, she’s sleeping!

The best way to play out this gag… hands arms down. …I swear I don’t do this on purpose it’s just the puns come to my mind and then I CANNOT PRETEND THEY DIDN’T, I HAVE TO INSERT THEM! I HAVE TO!

What? That’s so mean! And anyway It won’t happen because WV is already drooling on that pumpkin.

Enjoy your little snack, WV.

SHE’S EVERYTHING BUT DEFENSELESS I HAVE BEEN FOOLING MYSELF

JADE HARLEY, physic extraordinaire, baddest liar to even enter the Incipisphere, the team cheerleader, the girl that one time brought a smile to Cool Kid’s lips, and the only living being who managed to befuddle Rose Lalonde EVER. And last but not least… Is she genderbent John Egbert? I get that the kids look kind of similar to one another in look and personality (like Rose and Dave being both blonde and both having the snarky queen attitude) but this is just ridiculous. I mean… add another frontal tooth and change the glass design and you get John.

She’s awake! The pumpkin t-shirt, tho.

Pumpkin? What pumpkin? There has never been a pumpkin on her t-shirt and obviously never will be.

THE HAIRCUT. She just reminded me of how awful John’s haircut is.

She’s the only one who didn’t get introduced in her room. 

A GARDEN. OF COURSE.
GardenGnostic. Gnostic…. Prognostic…. Oh, why, Jade. You are trying SO HARD to hide your powers!!! I’m sure your friends will be blown away by the revelation when you tell them!!!

Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep.

…Narcoleptic much? Didn’t she also say she had fallen asleep while checking the meteor.

You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind.

The parallels, OH, the parallels, will they ever stop?

Nevertheless, when you spend time in your GARDEN ATRIUM, the only thing on your mind is your deep passion for HORTICULTURE.

She takes care of it all by herself? THAT’S IMPRESSIVE.

I GET TO PLAY?????? I’m very bad at this, you’ve been warned.

I’M LAUGHING SO HARD
IF YOU PRESS “Z” SHE FALLS ASLEEP ON THE SPOT

Wow, you really suck at this thing!

YOU DON’T SAY

Maybe you should try playing an instrument you actually know how to play instead, like the one in your bedroom. Honestly you have no idea where this flute even came from.

WHAT.

Things seem to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to your unending chagrin, any sort of large orange gourd that might be lying around.

Okay, so who was it??? It couldn’t have been WV, so maybe the one who was in the Sburb…. thingy before him?

I’m slightly afraid because I remember Dave talking about it. It gave him an headache. The same guy who had to chaptalogue cherries as RED SPHERICAL SALUTES.

I’m really curious about the Jenga and Clue ones. Many are related to guessing. Though isn’t it easy to guess when you have already seen the answer… Jade, you cheater, you cannot use your powers for this!

…………….No. Don’t show appreciation toward your guardian. Last time someone did….

………..No…….

PRACTICALITY????? SERIOUSLY??? THE MEMORY MODUS?? YOU PUT REMINDERS ON YOUR FINGERS AND YOU CHOSE THE MEMORY MODUS? …Whatever.

GOOD GOD

Yeah… a knack. Cheater.

This was the best reaction though. Jade Harley is silently judging you.

She has been introduced like… eight pages ago and already broke 14 pre-established patterns.

….What. I don’t understand anything this girl does or say. It’s so frustrating. Maybe… the first one is a present FROM John while the second is TO John? My best guess anyway.

WHAT PUMPKIN?

I’m so disappointed in this webcomic.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH HER T-SHIRT!?!

THIS LOOKS STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO THE SYMBOL ON THAT CONTRAPTION THAT WV FOUND 

So we went from laboratory NEAR the house to laboratory INTO the house. Next time the kid will be the true scientist. A child prodigy. They will have won many awards. Possibly even a Nobel. If it wasn’t for the apocalypse they would have solved the problem of Word Hung— Okaaay, okay. I will stop.

Okay, so when do we get to the big (citation necessary) revelation that Jade’s grandpa is somehow involved with the creation of Sburb?

MY EYES. TOO COLORFUL. Other creepy puppets. Although not sexually suggestive, they are somehow creepier than Bro’s ones for me.

Further proof that Dave is just a big softie: SPOTTED!

Is that a witch in that poster? Jade, I have some little questions for you. Do you feel in any way related to the magic world? How would you feel about the possibility of manipulating Space one day? Does that appeal to you? Please, do tell me more.

IS THAT A BASS GUITAR?? That’s what she can play! And why she rejected the flute… Mmhh. John and Rose can play more classical instruments while Dave and Jade… well, beat machine and bass guitar. Heh.

YOU BETTER NOT BE A FURRY.

And… Other presents, I guess? From John?

You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL.

You and me both. Although, you’re thirteen, that’s entirely justifiable.

You have an uncanny knack for NUCLEAR PHYSICS, and not infrequently can be found dabbling in RATHER ADVANCED GADGETRY.

Nuclear physic. AT THIRTEEN YEARS OF AGE.

You enjoy sporadic fits of NARCOLEPSY;

Enjoy??? Will you enjoy it when it will obviously be exploited as a plot element and you will fall asleep in the least opportune and most critic moments?

and you are at times prone to patterns of PRECOGNITIVE PROGNOSTICATION.

Really, Jade??!! Really?? We hadn’t noticed until now, you hide it so well!

You consider very briefly the question: What will you do?

But you quickly realize this is only one half of your room, and is therefore host to only half of your INTERESTS to choose from.

EXPLORE!?! HOW BIG IS IT??

ARE THOSE HANDGUNS?!? A FUCKING RIFLE!?! WHAT THE HELL. SHE’S THIRTEEN!!! BRING THOSE THINGS AWAY FROM HERE BEFORE SHE HURTS HERSELF!

AND A NUCLEAR SOMETHING!?! URANIUM!?!!?!

…Was everything in WV’s Sburb thingy (please, tell me how I should call it) coming from here? Mmmh. There were crayons, and oil and Serenity.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WINDOWS! THAT HAVE TO BE PLUGGED!

HAHA! Thank you, visual memory, for your valuable service.

So the windows were not just a random Problem Sleuth’s reference but an actual thing that exists in this universe. And what do they do?

……………Wait. If… If the weird windows are a thing that exists does that mean the HORRIBLE MONSTERS IN THE GRIMOIRE ALSO ARE????? Well, I guess Rose will be happy to meet her dear Fluthlus but I WON’T.

I think I will reread that part of the book later.

Additional telltale signs of your enthusiasm for NOSTALGIC TELEVISION mingle with your assortment of GAME HUNTING FIREARMS. You are a SKILLED MARKSWOMAN, though your cross-hairs would never settle on an innocent creature, ANTHROPOMORPHICALLY PERSUADED OR OTHERWISE.

….WHAT. That’s kind of really unusual. Riflekind approaching. 

Your worktable is littered with equipment to facilitate your tinkering. For you, experimentation is not a particularly exact science, and you lean heavily on SHARP INTUITION for consistently and eerily optimal results.

Of course she will fuck up with something scientific in the game, of course.

Nevertheless, you have still not been able to get that broad, flat gizmo there to work, which is a design you have borrowed from one of your GRANDPA’S more mysterious inventions.

What. BILLIONAIRE!?!???????!!!!?? Is the island his property!?!??

You are a great admirer of his, and you are not alone. Your grandfather is a WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE. He has taught you everything you know.

But in spite of all his lessons, it is still difficult to escape his stern lectures when you are on the way out of the house to run your errands.

Well. Bless this paragraph. The relationship between grandpa and Jade stopped being reminiscent of the one between Dave and BRO and just started to resemble the one between John and DAD. I was getting worried. The guardians monopolize their children’s time whenever they can (one with baked goods and japery, the other with lessons and stern lectures).

He spends most of his time in the GRAND FOYER, stewing in his own intensity and charisma.

Perhaps he is a bit self-centered? But I fail to see the big deal. To my surprise, they do seem to have lots of communication. Plus, she has been pretty clear that she admires him.

And today will likely be no exception. Among the errands you have planned is to venture out to find your pet and best friend named BECQUEREL.

Bec is actually just a nickname. You have to find him?? So he just strolls around on the island?

This animal must be fed and he will not be happy if he is not. And if he is not happy then you will not be happy.

Awww. “This animal”. Why so secretive? What is he, a fucking dragon?!

NOW…

What will you do?

Did I mention that I really like the way characters are introduced? Because if we ever get a villain POV (please be a thing that happens, PLEASE) we could get things like “You have a knack for torturing people in order to get information from them” or “What will you do? Just go on a killing spree.” and it would be awesome. …I may or may not have a weakness for villains POV.

Nailed it.

“My child. YOU WERE PLANNING TO GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR TRUSTY RIFLE ON HAND AND YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO CALL YOURSELF AN HARLEY?!??!?”

SO GRANDPA APPROVES. I don’t know if it’s better or worse. …Are there wild beasts on the island?

CORRECTION: Keeps changing.

……………….There is a lot to wonder, to be honest.

Those things all look better in green, honestly. Apart from, well … the sun. But I think I just got influenced by John’s t-shirt pattern.  And the Sburb-looking Spirograph….  Keeping my eyes on you, young lady!

….Tangled up… playfully…. yeah…. CAN I GO BACK TO MR.T AND CHUCK NORRIS HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, PLEASE?!?

Jade, honey, don’t jump excitedly like that. Those things are slightly disturbing.

I really hope this command was sent by someone.

Oh, but you could NEVER do that.

What marvelous creatures they are. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How you wish you could know their world. To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up your stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles your slumber, and as the sopor seeps from your eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn’t these ears suit you? Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?

No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane as a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal tow. It now drives you through the midnight brush, your paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as you and your new friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonward.
You eat a weird bug and don’t even care.

SHE IS A FUCKING FURRY IT HAS BEEN NICE READING HOMESTUCK BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO QUIT

I will overanalyze this to take my mind off it. More than liking the way she would look, she likes the freedom that being an animal would give her. But she’s a thirteen y/o kid. She’s as free as someone can be. She’s probably homeschooled and has all the island to herself. So why fear responsibilities that you don’t have?

The paragraph above aka “I am unable to find an obvious conflict or problematic with a newly introduced character and it is unsettling, so I am creating one.”

While Rose dreams of equipping her strife specibus with an encyclopedia full of dark and dangerous creatures, Jade plays dress up with dolls.

One of these is not like the others. Actually, forget that. They’re all fucking weird.

NOOOOOOO MY EYESSSS THEY’RE BURNING AAAAAHHHHHH

Guys. I’M SO DISAPPOINTED. GUYS. Did you seriously miss on the opportunity of making Jade and John run around dressed alike looking like effing twins?!?? You don’t know what fun is all about, do you?

THAT WAS A GHOST??? I thought it was a worm. 3%… Shame on you.

But WHAT ARE HER HAIR EVEN?!!

…My commentary on Jade’s introduction is just a repeat of Dave’s one for different reasons. I hope the similarities stop here because otherwise I will soon be in a screaming frenzy.

It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood. It is peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing VOLCANO looms over your house, which has been inactive for centuries.

On the list of things we already knew.

Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provides your house with a source of GEOTHERMAL POWER. You are not sure why your grandfather decided to draw from this source of energy when he had the UNLIMITED POWER OF THE ATOM at his disposal. But it has been this way for as long as you can remember.

Not a nerd, but a GEEK.

You have chalked it up to your family’s longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits wait you mean pursuits.

THAT FREUDIAN SLIP, HARLEY. YOU CANNOT FOOL ME.

What is this nonsense about fursuits!!! You do not own a fursuit. You think ANTHROPOMORPHIC FAUNA are really cute and enchanting and all, but it has never occurred to you to dress as one. Sure, it is fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seems ridiculous. It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who are you trying to kid with that sort of baloney!

Anyway it is not a MAGIC CHEST, it it your GADGET CHEST, which you have adapted for storing a number of USEFUL GIZMOS.

It’s not a MAGIC chest, that foolishness is only for John. Of course she’s more on the science side than the magical one. She’s a little scientist, born and rais—AAAH, DAMMIT. IF SHE IS A SCIENTIST SHE CAN’T BE A WITCH. I thought I had settled this. ….Okay, I hadn’t, but even though I would have wanted Rose to be the Witch, I really liked the prospect of her as a Seer. She would have been the startegist of the team. Unless it’s meant to be inverse irony. And like… Jade, lover of nuclear physic and science becomes a Witch, a Witch of Space at that, therefore someone who manipulates it possibly breaking the laws of physics, and Rose who has practically been a Witch in the closet for half of her life gets to sit back and be the Seer; they are switching roles for some reason. …Okay, I know this is boring for you guys, because you already know who is who very well, I will try to stop speculating about it. …TRY.

It was once your ORACLE’S TRUNK, a gift from your grandfather of course, and still contains many silly FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS, all of which are completely bogus.

I TOLD YOU HER GRANDPA IS A PSYCHIC TOO. …Or he just knows of her powers and is trying to be thoughtful and present.

Without understanding… because her powers are innate.

PROBLEM SOOTH I’M GOING TO CRY

IS THAT GRANDPA?!?! And he is… Holding up… something in his hand?

Among the USEFUL GIZMOS are of course your COMPUTER, which you keep inside a FUN LUNCHBOX for easy transport

WHO PUTS A COMPUTER IN A LUNCH BOX?

and a couple of gizmos you keep handy so you don’t always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. There is a COOKALIZER for preparing delicious meals, and a REFRIGERATOR, a name which clearly is a wacky variation on the much more common household item, the REFRIGIFYIFICATOR.

Jade and Grandpa Harley don’t usually eat together! Aww. And their relationship was going so well.

Aaaaand I think that’s all for tonight. Next on:

Jade tells us why her powers are better than some cue ball trash… and hopefully where those powers come from too.