I will translate this for y'all.

Cool facade —> Nerd Lord.

“Since you just like to tell your best bud just about everything that happens to you, you might as well let him know of this inane discovery. Also!!! It is your buddy’s birthday!! Thank godness you looked at his present package! You might have forgotten! You will wish him happy birthday, but still without making it look like you care that much, even though that… you know, you just sent him a probably incredibly expensive original movie prop as a present.
You hope the beta he was waiting for came today, he would be even happier if he got it for his birthday.”

OH MY GOD. IF YOU ADD SOME MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS AND A SMILEY HERE AND THERE, YOU GET GG. AMAZING.