August 2015

Alternia confirmed for gigantic and elaborate Jade parallel.

A quick summary: Gamzee is rapidly growing on me, Terezi is AWESOME SUPER AWESOME AWESOME, AC is the embodiment of all those tumblr posts in which people wish they could be adorable and cut some bitches at the same time, and please for the love of all that’s holy someone stop Karkat

NOW WHERE WAS I AT

I actually spent some time on this. I’m not saying how much. If I had to choose for a title for my own Sburb Land it would be something along the lines of Land of Lost Time and Bullshittery…… which doesn’t even fit the titles patterns FUCK

But screw it, look at Gamzee….That stance. Such grace…. Such concentration, those half lidded eyes…. That half open mouth…. bared teeth…. Go get some sleep……..

What? I’m just extremely concerned about those kids’ sleeping schedules…….. Look at those bags under their eyes, well Gamzee is the only one so far that doesn’t have them but it has also been implied that he eats raw soporific at every meal. Well, not raw. He bakes it.

I HAVE SUCH A GREAT TIMING FOR MENTIONING AWFUL THINGS

OH GODNESS GRACIOUS

HE EATS IT HE REALLY DOES
WHAT IN THE WORLD MAKES YOU LOOK AT THE GREEN GOO AND BE LIKE “MMMH THIS SURE IS A DELICIOUS DELICACY”

It is still piping hot but you can’t help yourself. You sneak a taste of the SOPOR SLIME PIE. 

You aren’t supposed to eat that slime. It does funny things to a troll’s head. 

But you were never taught that on account of a lousy upbringing. Your custodian was always out to sea. 

That is where he is now. Maybe you will go outside and see if you can spot him.

TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT’s BiTcHtItS! 
GC: >8\ 
GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S! 

SAYS YOU

MISS “HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND”

At least he is as high as the Mount Everest, you are like this naturally.

GC: BUT 1M GONN4 
GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3 
GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON 
GC: G3T 1T??? >:] 
TC: HaHa WeLl I hEaRd Of WoRsE fUcKiN rEaSoNs To Be GeTtIn AlL aBoUt To Do SoMeThInG. 
TC: :o) hOnK 
GC: NO TH4T SHOULD BOTH3R YOU, TH4T R34SON 
GC: WHY DONT TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T BOTH3R YOU?? 

tfw you are trying to insult a friend but they are so intoxicated that it flies right over their head and trolling people is your first method to establish any kind of connection with another individual

uneasiness

OKAY BUT WHY IS HE NOT LOOKING AT THE SCREEN I’M LAUGHING

How is he actually writing?? And what is he staring so pointedly at?? Who is there?? He looks at peace with the whole universe. Is he channeling his inner chakra? Connecting with his juggalos self? Who knows.

GC: NO WOND3R V4NT4S C4NT ST4ND YOU 

Five points to GC!!! Miss Seer of Mind strikes again! That is indeed the reason why Mister Vantas is so annoyed by Gamzee. Karkat is especially irked by people he cannot get a reaction out of when insulting them. We’ve had a precedent…… Strangely enough he is way happier with himself if you do insult him back. …I’m starting to suspect that he actually enjoys being angry……

GC: BUT WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M, W3R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R! 

SHITTY— OH MY GOD
SHITTY BITCHES
GC THAT COULD BE EASILY MISUNDERSTOOD
GC please
Okay, I NEED to know her name. Listen, if after this conversation I do not find myself into GC’s room, for better or for worse, I’m going to chuck a chair to someone. I’m gonna. For real. This is worse than when I was waiting for Rose’s introduction.

GC: OR WH4T3V3R YOU S41D 
TC: sO iS tHiS tHe GaMe I’vE hEaRd AbOuT? 
TC: ThE bIg MyStErY? 
GC: Y34H 
TC: wHoA oK uHhH… 
TC: ThIs Is GoInG tO bE fUcKiN iNsAnE. 

Weirdly fitting considering that one time she said that you all turned out to be crazy in some way or another.

TC: bUt CaN wE pLaY a LiTtLe LaTeR? 
TC: I’m OuTsIdE kEePiNg An EyE oUt HeRe FoR tHe OlD gOaT. 

Gamzee, I wish I didn’t have to say this but for the sake of your parallel to Jade your guardian will probably turn out to be dead. That’s the hard truth. Relish the memories you have made with that son of a bi— goat. Son of a goat. That’s what I was going to say. What does it mean? Well, hon, here on Earth it is a term of endearment to those who we cherish and aBANDON US TO GO SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS NO I’M NOT ANGERED I AM CALM.

TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY. 
GC: NO, NOT R34LLY! 
GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP 
TC: Oh YeAh… 
GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR 

NO
NO NO NONONO NOOOO
STOP TALKING
GO TO JAIL

I will just ignore this. GC?? An orphan?? I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, she is in a lovely household and taken care of like she deserves SHUT UP

GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH??? 
GC: >:] 
TC: sOoOoOoOrY. 
TC: AnYwAy I’lL gO iNsIdE iN a WhIlE, wHy DoN’t YoU gEt KaRkAt To FiRe Up ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WiTh YoU? 
TC: hE lIkEs GaMeS. 
GC: OH NOOOOO. 
GC: GOD C4N YOU 1M4G1N3 4LL TH3 B1TCH1NG 4ND MO4N1NG? 
GC: 1 US3D TO TRY TO PL4Y STUFF W1TH H1M BUT WOW D1D 1 L34RN MY L3SSON. 

Once playing games with Karkat he is an ass, twice playing games with Karkat, you’re the ass. 

TC: AlRiGhT, wElL i’Ll TrY tO gEt In AnD gEt Up On My ChIlL rEaL sOoN aNd We CaN pLaY. 
TC: jUsT gIvE mE a MiNuTe! 
GC: BULLSH1T! 
GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO S1T TH3R3 ON TH3 B34CH 4ND SP4C3 OUT 4ND LOS3 TR4CK OF T1M3. 
GC: H3LLO? 
GC: G4MZ????? 
TC: WhAt? 
TC: oH mAn SoRrY. 
TC: I sPaCeD oUt,

HOW MANY TIMES DID HE DO THIS WHILE TALKING TO HER
INCREDIBLE
FUCKING INCREDIBLE

DiD yOu KnOw HoW bEaTuFuL tHe SoUnD oF tHe OcEaN iS? 
TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn? 
TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT… 
TC: SoRrY. 
GC: >:[

THIS CONVERSATION IS A WRECK JUST LIKE ITS PARTICIPANTS

Okay but he gets sidetracked more easily than Dave when you put him in front of plushie rumps so I really don’t envy the one who will end up being their coplayer…. *looks pointedly at GC* I reaaaally don’t envy that mysterious person.

But for nowwww…. Time to meet h—

> Karkat: Get some programming done. 

UUUUUUGHHHHHHH

What is up with Karkat’s fixation with getting things done? Relax, dude. Take it easy. Build some pillow fortresses, stage the climax of your favorite movie, spend time fantasizing about your romantic escapades with Liv Tyler, gently caress your Will Smith posters…. seriously, if I have to agonize over watching you do completely unimportant things at least let them be adorable things. You will never reach Cinnamon Roll Status with that attitude. you have the looks, but it’s what’s inside that matters the most.

Karkat is….. Preparing himself to teleport to another universe….? Teleporting WITH the universe? Into Sburb?? Creating the fucking Rift???? Which we still don’t know if to capitalize because nobody fucking bothered asking??? I have no effing idea.

Umh. Alternatively he is just setting up things for his journey to the afterlife. I can’t read this crap, sorry.

Finally some peace and quiet. Now you can bear down on your coding. This will surely last all evening, without interruption. 

You reopen one of your ~ATH projects you started recently. You are still horsing around with the conditions for terminating the loops. 

What many ~ATH coders do is import finite constructs and bind the loops to their lifespan. For instance the main loop here will terminate on the death of the universe, labeled U. That way you only have to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever. 

Yeah, that’s…. convenient, I guess?? It’s not like you could tell the difference you won’t be around that long. Doesn’t that make Snowman basically immortal though?! Two billion years is just too much, after a while you just get bored of standing around being badass. Especially if you have to deal with people like Slick everyday.

Your hacker buddy is obnoxiously good at it. He’s sent you some files which you still don’t understand, but you’re not going to admit that. He is even better at making viruses than you, which really gets stuck in your nook.

YEAH KARKAT BUT WHAT IS A NOOK?? WHAT IS IT???

The one true Ultimate Riddle.

We are importing…. two other universes? And also there is a lot of dying going on. What the heck is this code even. Something happens when the universes die?? The tilde is a destructor so when the first universe is destroyed EVERYTHING BUT the second one also is (because the exclamation point is like putting a negative before it)?? BUT BUT BUT the braces stand for “if” so. Hmm. THEREFORE.

………..Yes I am definitely not googling this as I go along and I am an expert in programming.

HMMM. When the two first events unfold something happens in the first universe that makes the first one die wait weren’t the universes dead already??? Maybe this is the description of how it happens?? So IF this something happens in the first universe, the second one is destroyed, but as that happens something happening in the second universe kills the first one?? Wouldn’t that require simultaneity?? And on another note, a totally unrelated question for TA: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE

This code, when executed, immediately causes the user’s computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he’ll ever meet. 

?????????? I FUCKING GUVR UP. I WAS TRYING TO FUVKING DECIFER THAT YPU ASSHOLES

Where the FUCK was THIS written. This code is absolutely fucking useless. You can’t even send it to people who you hate because you would be fucking cursed as well. Unless you are aiming to damage someone anonymously and you are an international spy or something. Does TA work as an international spy for Alternia? Kid is suspicious. You know who is suspicious also?? AA. You don’t go around with a chumhandle like that and expect me to trust you.

Not surprisingly, later on you would run this code in a fit of stupidity.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF JUGGALOS HEAVEN

NOT EVEN ACCIDENTALLY

IT WASN’T EVEN AN ACCIDENT

You don’t know how he does stuff like this. What does this even mean? It’s nonsense. Is it even syntactically viable?? Are you allowed to color text like that??? ARGH.

You can if you are cool enough, Karkat.

Oh speak of the devil. Here he is bugging you about something. Time to put on your game face and pretend you don’t think very highly of his abilities.

I-it’s not like he admires you or anything, b-baka….

True friendship is when your BFF makes you smash your keyboard 130 km/h while getting showered by the detached keys like you’re both under a cherry-tree in full bloom. Like in the silly animus and mangos.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people. 

KK!!!;;; OH MYGOSH. THAT IS —THE CUTEST NICKNAME— THE CUTEST

CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT. 
TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing. 
CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS. 
CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED. 
CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE.

The trick is in the fact that he will flip his shit about the fact that you assumed he would have flipped his shit. The moral is that there is no escaping the acrobatic promenade of the shit when it belongs to Karkat Fucking Vantas.

CG: IT’S A MIRACLE. 
TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game. 
CG: FUCK NO. 
TA: ok niice. 
CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD’S UNDERWEAR. 
TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do. 
CG: THAT’S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY’RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING. 
CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. 

I ABSTAIN

FROM COMMENTING ON THIS

BUT BASICALLY

THEY ARE TWO BIG GIGANTIC ASSHOLES

ITS NOT LIKE GAMZEE GOES AROUND ASKING IF YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS AS YOUR LORDS AND SAVIORS . …   ……… …..

OH BUT. How cute would that be though???? Gamzee all dressed up knocking on doors. He offers a peace sign and the whole ICP discography, if you buy today you also get a sample of face paint and a free stack of Faygo. He offers to teach you the ways of the juggalos and tells you to open your heart to the miracles……Pretty sure Alternians would kill him on sight though.

What was I talking about again? OH RIGHT RIGHT. Two assholes not knowing what their place is and being two weenies. I WILL KICK YOU SO HARD THAT YOU WILL TAKE ORBIT AND ALL THAT WILL BE SEEN OF YOU FROM THE PLANET ARE TWO TWINKLES IN THE SKY, TEAM ROCKET STYLE. YOU WILL END UP ON THE FREAKING PINK ROOM

TA: eheheheheh riight on but let2 2hut our mouth2 a 2econd and talk about thii2 game. 
TA: iitll only be a 2econd really you dont have two do two much. 

A 2econd, he says. A 2ECOND. If by that you mean the rest of his natural life, then you are right, that’s exactly the amount of time this will take.

TA: well the 2hort 2tory ii2 that iit2 an iimmer2iive 2iimulatiion that you play wiith a group. 
TA: the long 2tory ii2 that the fate of our ciiviiliizatiion depend2 on u2 playiing iit. 
TA: heh ii gue22 the long one wa2 2horter than the 2hort one FUCK.

Noooo!!!!!! TA!!!!!!! I am the one who says FUCK! I am the one cursing comedically!! The fate of your race depends— You’re not gonna save it. You’re gonna condemn it!!! He thinks he is saving everyone FUCK

CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT BUT COMING FROM YOU COLOR ME UNSURPRISED. 
TA: 2crew you vanta2 thii2 2hiit2 more real than kraft grub2auce. 

TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo 

We now know what grubsauce is. Thank you for your assistance, Mr Strider.

CG: SO YOU MADE THIS GAME? 
TA: no no. 

THANK THE WHOLE POPULATION OF HEAVEN AND HELL

TA: more liike ii adapted iit. 

FUCK

CG: FROM WHAT. 
TA: 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2. 
TA: havent you talked two her about iit? 
CG: MAN, NO. 
CG: I CAN’T TALK TO HER, SHE’S SO SPOOKY. 

Did you learn fucking nothing from every movie ever filmed about finding ancient games in some remote ass place in the universe??????? Have they been strategically erased from the history of every planet in which the game has gotta be played??????? This is a travesty.

AND AA CONFIRMED FOR SUSPICIOUS AND SPOOKY GIRL.

No, but actually, with a chumhandle like that I just imagine her going around with an “the end is nigh” sign and scaring little children away.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH PSYCHOS. 
TA: probably iit2 becau2e mo2t troll2 are. 
TA: iif you heard what ii heard every niight ii mean WOW FUCK. 
CG: NO LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN. 

WOW FUCK

WOW THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN

Is he haunted by the ghosts of his Past, Present and Future or something

Also mutant?? Mutant as in monster, right?? Not mutant as in that suffers from a mutation, right??? And not a mutation that has anything to do with Karkat and his ectobiology session, right??? Because his chumhandle, name and everything that revolves around him doesn’t just scream “keep him away from any kind of  genetics procedure forever”, right?? I’M JUST WORRIED

CG: AND DON’T SCAN MINE OR WHATEVER, IT’S OFF LIMITS YOU DOUCHE. 
TA: ii told you liike a biilliion tiime2 ii cant do that you nub2lurping fuckpod. 

He’s not some kind of mad scientist, KK. Just wear a tinfoil hat on your head if it makes you feel safer like that. It’s not like the horns are going to get in the way.

CG: WHY ARE YOU TWO UP TO THIS SECRET STUFF. 
CG: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? 

The gist is that our Karkat is jealous that he has been left out from all the juicy details. Who is this AA girl, huh?? ;) ;)

TA: KK iim 2orry but really iit2 kiind of a priivate matter between me and her and iid appreciiate iit iif that wa2 re2pected.
CG: OH GOD. 
CG: STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. 
CG: IT’S A REPUGNANT QUALITY. 

WHAT AN HYPOCRITE YOU LITTLE PANSY AND SERENDIPITY WATCHER

TA: ok how about you take your own adviice you are 2uch a blubberiing hypocriite. 

YEEEEAAAAAHHH!!

TA: youre lucky iim 2o fuckiing magnaniimou2 and chariitable cau2e otherwii2e there2 no chance iid wa2te my tiime on you. 

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Go there in the corner and reflect on what you just said, TA. That was really mean of you.

CG: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT, THIS ACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU’RE A HOTSHOT, YOU KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF. 

WHAT????????? WHAT???????????????????????????? I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU KARKAT

TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot. 
CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT’S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING. 
CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED. 
TA: oh fuck that noii2e iin every leakiing oriifiice iit2 got you know ii hate the combiined product of you and my2elf more than you could ever begiin two hate me and my2elf and you and your2elf on your wor2t day 2o FUCKIING DEAL WIITH IIT. 

You guys……This is the dumbest and most inane exchange so far in the webcomic. And for your information there was this one time in which GC and John did nothing but laugh idiotically at each other for five paragraphs without any reason whatsoever. ….That convo is actually in the “pesterlogs that made me shed actual tears” list. In company of the first GA/Rose pesterlog that is not even funny but I FUCKING CRIED FOR FIVE MINUTES. It was the random exclamation points. Also a John/CG pesterlog but I don’t remember which one…. The one in which he randomly started to speak Spanish??? JESUS CHRIST. And the one in which AT went all No Homo on Dave…Plus you guys don’t really hate each other and everyone can tell that so please shoosh and keep talking about the AA girl that is in no way incredibly suspicious nor has access to any kind of outside information. Obviously.

CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT. 
CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND. 
CG: THAT’S YOU. 
CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS GAME. 
TA: ok well iill 2end you a download 2oon. 
TA: iim 2ett1ng up two team2. 
TA: liike two 2eparate competiing team2 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing. 
TA: and al2o ii gue22 two 2ee which one can wiin fa2ter. 
CG: OK LET ME GUESS. 
CG: THERE’S A RED TEAM AND BLUE TEAM, RIGHT? 

also water is wet, the sky is blue and Karkat needs anger management courses

TA: yeah. 
TA: youre on the red team. 
TA: ii wiill be the leader of the blue. 
CG: OK, THEN I GUESS I CAN PICK MY TEAMMATES THEN? 
TA: uh… 
TA: bro youre not the red team leader. 

bro
bro no offense
I love how he only used the term to soften the blow

TA: ii piicked GC for that. 
CG: WHAT???????????????????? 

*mmmmh whatcha say 10 hours loop version starts playing in the backgroung* Time stops for Karkat. His eyes get wide, His mouth hangs open and his fists clench. Breathing only comes in short little gasps.  The annoying sound of the message notification from his former buddy is nothing but buzzing in his ears. It sounds like Betrayal. Like grating on a chalkboard. How could he do this to him. How could he. Shatter his dreams with those ugly ass mustard colored words. HOW COULD HE. He plots for revenge.

Meanwhile TA

kk?
are you there
iit2 been ten miinute2
oh my god ii kiilled hiim

​TA: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended. 
CG: OH WOW NOW I SEE. 
CG: REALLY FUCKING CLEVER, PICKING THE BLIND GIRL TO LEAD THE TEAM YOUR COMPETING WITH. 

THE BLIND GIRL CAN AND WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IN THE FUTURE, BUDDY

CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I’M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. 
TA: yeah ii am 2uch an iidiiot for not rewardiing your bubbly per2onaliity and iimpeccable people 2kiill2 wiith a leader2hiip giig. 

Why are we describing John Egbert now. Jokes aside, having good people skills is not the only thing, crazily enough you also need someone like Karkat with a certain drive and sense of responsibility. Karkat wouldn’t be a bad leader, he just needs to stop throwing tantrums worthy of a 5 y/o kid in a toy store. Also he has incredibly shitty people skills.

TA: what an iincon2iiderate knuckle2ponged a22hole ii have been. 
CG: I AM A HATCHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT. 
TA: ii know your fiilthy 2eedflap ii2 flutteriing iin the profane breeze that2 2hootiing out your 2tiinkiing meal tunnel. 
TA: ii do know that much. 
CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU’RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR? 

OH JESUS CHRIST WILL YOU STOP THIS

No, that’s not an imprecation I’m actually asking for Jesus to make them stop this bullshit IT’S SO FUCKING ANNOYING

CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY. 

AAAAAUUUUGH— Wait…. set of…… AAAAUUUUGGHHH MY EYES ARE BLEEDING THX A LOT

CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT. 
TA: thii2 ii2 2o iimmature, iim ba2iically ju2t laughiing here at how iimmature you are. 

You started this, you son of a fuck.

TA: liike ii really giive a fuck who the red leader ii2. 
TA: you want two be the leader fiine talk two GC about iit. 

If Karkat does become the leader the other team (and it is looking that way) there will be a mutiny three hours into the game. TA and GC are gonna team up together. GC didn’t want to in the beginning but after Karkat managed to almost break her auricular sponge clots for the third time she just gave up. They gave everybody but Karkat the chaptas for some cool jetpacks and hacked his gates so that he is stuck on his planet. Every once in a while they will fly over his head and he will shake his tiny fists in the air while swearing like it’s the last thing he will do. They will just give him double middle fingers from the sky.

CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT. 
CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID. 
TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing. 
TA: ii cant even tell anymore. 

That would be adorable if I wasn’t just recovering from 5 paragraphs of you two shitting on each other and your friendship. But I’ll take it because I’m feeling just as magnanimous as Mister Grub2auce over here.

CG: IT’S A JOKE MORON. 
CG: HONESTLY I’M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS. 

*looks in the camera like I’m on The Office*

CG: ACTUALLY WHY DON’T WE MAKE A PACT TO DELETE THIS ONE FROM OUR LOGS, I’M JUST SHUDDERING HERE SCROLLING UP AND READING THIS. 
TA: yeah ok.

Listen, TA is an adorable little nerd, but please don’t make him talk to Karkat ever again. I was mentally scarred by this pesterlog.

Sounds like someone downstairs is getting pretty crabby. This is not an encounter you are looking forward to. You’ll probably put it off as long as you can manage.

That is so not Karkat’s guardian in there, that’s for sure. Sounds more like someone he is begrudgingly tending to, to be honest. Could be a pet, could be the crab we have seen before? That would make the use of the word crabby the most awful pun I have ever read. But it has been aptly demonstrated that kids can’t have a pet and a guardian. Unless one of them iS DEAD— KARKAT. KARKAT VANTAS PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE NOT ALSO AN ORPHAN WHAT THE FUCK.

WELL. Given that he is going to prototype a crab and he lives nowhere near Gamzee or the sea, I’m just going to say that this is an elaborate Jade parallel and the crab lives in the house, (alien crabs apparently grumble) that Karkat was abandoned on the shore when he was very little and a bunch of empathetic hermit crabs took it upon themselves to make him grow up strong and healthy (and crabby)!!!! This is a very serious theory, no but seriously what’s up with this, I need to know. 

PLEASE BE GC’S HIVE PLEASE BE GC’S HIVE PLEASE BE GC’S HIVE PLEASE BE GC’S HIVE

BINGOOOOOO

YOOO YOOOOOOO

ARE THOSE DRAGONS

Standing in this room for extended periods of time could probably permanently blind you if you are not careful of the strong colors, but GC doesn’t have this sort of problems now, does she? Though she can SMELL colors, so she made this place as fun as possible for herself, it’s not a room, IT’S AN EXPERIENCE. I just hope she doesn’t feel dizzy after a while??

There are serious looking books everywhere! Not even there just for display, they must have been recently sniffed, since some are standing on the ground. Also either there is rope on the ground, or ……it is the outline of a freshly discovered body on a crime scene. ……Girl, we’ve dubbed your murders as accidental so far, don’t disappoint me!

ALSO ALSO calling it right now that she eats the pages to read

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE.

Hello, Terezi!!! Yours is a very interesting last name, but we will get to that later, alright??

You are pretty enthusiastic about dragons.

I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED BUT THIS IS STILL THE BEST WAY TO OPEN A INTRODUCTION EVER

But you have a PARTICULAR AFFECTION for their COLORFUL SCALES, which you gather and use to decorate your hive.

ARE THOSE THE SCALES OF ACTUAL REAL LIVING DRAGONS OR ARE THEY FAKE PLEASE THIS IS IMPORTANT

Though you live alone, deep in the woods, you surround yourself with a variety of plushie pals known as SCALEMATES. You often spend your days with them in rounds of LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYING.

*whispers* YOU ABSOLUTE NERD
Okay I shouted it, I was lying. She would so get along with Grandpa and Bro. They are right up her alley.

You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident. 

*swiftly files this accident under things that absolutely won’t be brought up again nor have any sort of relevance*

She played hardcore real life game sessions of Dungeons&Dragons that would last for days and she played as a dragon, and wielded a sword and fuck the losers who said that dragons cannot wield swords!!! (That is to say, GA, stop being so nitpicky, gosh)

You take an interest in justice, holding particular fascination for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE WICKED. You have taken up study of BRUTAL ALTERNIAN LAW, and surround yourself with legal books.

I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING BUT I DIDN’T

WAIT DAMMIT

JUSTICE IS BLIND

LADY JUSTICE, LIBRA, SCALES, GALLOWS

You have no need for copies printed in TROLLBRAILLE, because you can SMELL AND TASTE THE WORDS. You hope one day to join the honorable ranks of the LEGISLACERATORS.

That’s a lawyer that also slays!!! It sooo fits her! She easily tricks people, knows her way around words, she is well-versed in psychology, therefore she would be versed in criminology too, and slays people just fine, I bet. That’s the perfect job, too bad Sburb had to ruin it for her. So far we have a threshecutioner, a legislacerator, did Gamzee say anything?? I don’t think so. Honestly I think he just doesn’t have anything planned. Gotta be chill, you know? Thinking about the future is not motherfucking chill now, is it? He just wants to stay true to himself. “I DiDn’t cHoOsE ThE JuGgAlO LiFe, ThE JuGgAlO LiFe cHoSe mE” GODDAMMIT HOW DOES HE WRITE LIKE THIS. IT TAKES HOURS.

Your trolltag is gallowsCalibrator and you SP34K W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS ONC3 US3D. 

Girl, that’s just John’s birthday. Wait. I just realized that John has been killed on the day of his birthday— TEREZI!!!! …….I’m sorry, sometimes the alternate timeline feelings just… resurface…..

Okay but seriously. SERIOUSLY. Why would some prophets care about 4/13?? Unless John is secretly the next Messiah (which he is not) I will say that it is something that regards Earth. And I will say that it is something that regards the day in which Earth started existing. Do I need to say anything else??

You are presently the leader of the RED TEAM, poised to begin a mysterious game with 5 other friends, in direct competition with another 6 of your friends, comprising the BLUE TEAM. 

That’s what you like to THINK

Meanwhile Karkat has gathered all the data of Terezi’s last year adventures in FLARP. Every fucking game session. He has all of the statistics organized neatly. Every victory but most importantly every LOSS and MISTAKE, every time she fucked up on a strategic move. There are graphs. He has made a freaking power point. 101 REASONS WHY TEREZI PYROPE SHOULD NOT BE THE LEADER BUT IT SHOULD BE ME INSTEAD BECAUSE I WAS BORN AND HATCHED FOR THIS SOLE PURPOSE AND THE POSITION UNQUESTIONABLY BELONGS TO ME 

tl;dr: FUCK OFF PYROPE

​What will you do?

> Terezi: Cut to the chase and begin LARPing immediately. 

​​I don’t know what I expected. Wait… LARP is live action role play…. FLARP is??? fffffantasy live action role play?? Fun?? FUCKING LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAY!! Run for your lives, fuckers!! OH GODNESS!! FATAL live action role play!!!

Terezi, spill the beans!!! We all know of that night, long ago, getting rid of that body deep in the woods!! “1T W4S 4 C4SU4LTY” you said, “NO ON3 MUST KNOW” you said. Well now we know!

We’re heading straight to Courtroom Drama Land and as a proud Ace Attorney fan I’m SUPER UP FOR IT

HIS HONORABLE TYRANNY
I bet his verdicts are so wise and just.

It’s pretty hard to live action role play when there is no one who is alive nearby.

Awwww. That must suc—

But all of your Scalemates are alive to you. 

SO. How hard did you hit your head during this so called accident of your—

At least you pretend to believe that to annoy people. 

I LIKE YOU AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK

A LOT

You prepare a new campaign for one of your favorite scenarios, COURTBLOCK DRAMA.

OH DEAR. It is as I feared. So Terezi, give us the full debrief! Lay it down for us!

His HONORABLE TYRANNY presides. On trial is an especially detestable fellow, SENATOR LEMONSNOUT. You have sparred with this scumbag before. Tonight he faces justice. 

Holy shit. What did the yellow bastard do??? It is the yellow one right??

You will play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there is no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, the word defense itself is offensive.

Umh. Now not to be a killjoy or anything, but it doesn’t seem that the presence of an attorney is really needed after all, you’re just doing your little jig before they get executed, Terezi. It is… just a formality… so that Alternia doesn’t face controversy and everything goes smooth as they kill whoever they please. …. Sorry?? Maybe I’m TOTALLY WRONG but that’s definitely the vibe I’m getting.

Terezi: Interrogate.

INTERROGATE MEANS TALKING

WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING WITH THAT CANE I SUGGEST YOU DROP IT IMMEDIATELY OR THE ONLY WORDS YOU WILL BE HEARING ARE THE AGONIZING SCREAMS OF LEMONSNOUT

​Most of the interrogation is in the intimidating silence.

I THOUGHT SO—

> Terezi: Slap him around a bit. 

TEREZI

THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY YOU ARE NOT A TRUE DRAGON LOVER!!!!

That scalemate must be made of fucking marble if it made Terezi’s arm bend like that. Either that or troll’s limbs have retractile bones that turn into tentacles at necessity. Very useful when you gotta retrieve something that fell behind the furniture. But not when you are slapping someone.

SHE LOOKS SO SERIOUS WHAT A CUTE BIG FUCKING NERD

You don’t want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It must be methodical, business-like. And persistent. You only stop when you smell tears.

Turns out that those tears were her own all along from that one time she had that nasty nightmare while hugging Mr Senator WAIT. Where does she sleep?? There was no recuperacoon in her room! Doesn’t she sleep at all?? No wonder she is so snappy, she is on the verge of exhaustion OH MY GOD I KNOW

I KNOW WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE A RECUPERACOON
I KNOW
BECAUSE…………..
…………WAIT FOR IT………..

BECAUSE JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS!!! HA!! HA HA HA!!!!!!……HA!……HA??….. WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING??!!?

[Hide]
BECAUSE JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS!!! HA!! HA HA HA!!!!!!……HA!……HA??….. WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING??!!?

TEREZI STOP GETTING SO PERSONAL WITH THE DEFENDANT IT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE……. THEN AGAIN YOU WERE CLOSE TO BEATING HIM UP BEFORE AND EVEN IF THIS WAS A REAL COURTROOM I DOUBT ANYBODY WOULD CARE SO NEVERMIND FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE

Mr. Senator, you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution’s nose. 

But your deceit STINKS. 

oh dear sweet heaven

Did you honestly think you could dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it?? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed??? THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR. WHILE THE PROSECUTION MAY BE BLIND, REST ASSURED THE LEAGUE OF LEGISLACERATORS SEES ALL.

OH DEAR SWEET HEAVEN I LOVE THIS GIRL

> [???????] 
> Terezi: Call a witness. 

Mmhh. Is there anybody that when cast in front of of two paths, one predetermined and safe and the other dazzling and foreign would choose the first over the last? …I thought so. And everyone who does is just BORING!!
Well, I will ultimately do both obviously but of course the question marks go first.

???????????????????

I reply to question marks with more question marks

Okay????

Password hint??? Yeah, I will take it, actually I might need you to spell it out, because I really have no frigging idea.

EX-FUCKING-CUSE YOU TEREZI, THIS IS SO HELPFUL

I JUST FELT THE EXACT SAME TWINGE OF ANNOYANCE OF WHEN I GET RICKROLLED

WELL
This was a relatively short trip into the foreign.
Like really short.

And Terezi breaks and smashes the Fourth Wall only so that she can call me a dummy. Typical Pyrope. What do you mean I have only been knowing her for twelve pages so I don’t know what is typical of her??? She will however have to stand in line, as Jade is still there from after her last affront, I don’t think there will be much to kick after she is done and finished.

ALSO how was I supposed to know that I would have needed to return to this very panel at some point later on??? I thought I needed to deduce the password on the spot! So mind your fucking manners!

See you later, you sweet mysterious path that could or could not potentially be an alternate timeline. I guess next time we won’t be calling a witness? ……………..
……..
………….
………………………

RUD3, T3R3Z1, RUD3!!! >:[

OKAY OKAY I WILL GO BACK SHEESH IT’S NOT LIKE I WENT FORWARD ANYWAY THIS PAGE IS NOT EVEN PART OF THE NARRATIVE IT'S JUST AN INDEX!​

EDIT!!!!! EDIT EDIT EDIT POST EDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO ITS NOT!!!!  NO ITS NOT!!!! I DID GO FORWARD I DID I REALLY DID GO FORWARD OF EXACTLY 5197 PAGES!!!!!

I WAS FUCKING AROUND WITH THE HTML CODE AS ALWAYS AND WELL

WHEN YOU HOVER ON THE FUCKING LINK

THAT MOTHERFUCKER 

9135

PAGE 9135

THAT IS NOT A PAGE THAT REDIRECTS YOU SOMEWHERE WHEN YOU INSERT THE RIGHT PASSWORD

THAT IS PAGE 9135 AS I STARE AT THE UNNERVING LIBRA SIGN I’M ON PAGE 9135 WITH ONLY A BUNCH OF UNKNOWN LETTERS AND OR NUMBERS SEPARATING MYSELF FROM IT. IT IS A PASSWORD PROTECTED PAGE. ONLY ONE PAGE. TECHNICALLY I COULD FUCKING TYPE IN THE ADDRESS OF PAGE 9136 AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON 5000 PAGES AWAY AND I JUST??? FIND IT RIDICULOUS??? BUT THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING IS THAT 5000 PAGES FROM NOW I WILL FUCKING NEED TO GO BACK TO THIS POINT AND WATCH TEREZI FUCK AROUND WITH PUPPETS DRAGONS ONCE AGAIN??? BECAUSE???? BECAUSE?????????? HOW IS THIS RELEVANT??? WHY IS THIS RELEVANT??? HOW CAN THIS BE RELEVANT TO THE STORY 5000 PAGES FROM THIS POINT??? WHY IS EVERYTHING RELEVANT??? WHAT AM I EVEN READING???

WHAT THE FUCK??? WELL I’M DONE WITH THIS NOW BUT JUST WHAT THE FUCK????? SORRY FOR THE OUTBURST??? WHAT THE FUCK???

END OF EDIT!!!!!!!

WHEN I DO GET THAT PASSWORD I WILL JUST PUT IT IN THE URL BAR

OUT OF SPITE

And it was worth a try. And maybe the other thirteen that I made after.
This is going to haunt me.

WE CAN’T LOOK AWAY ONE FUCKING SECOND I SWEAR

TRAGEDY

MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE FLEE, SOME SCREAM

HIS TYRANNY SHOUTS “ORDER IN THE COURT!!” THEN HE GOES BACK TO NAPPING— WAIT, WHAT?? NAPPING?? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING!! HE WAS PAYING FULL ATTENTION TO THE PROCEEDINGS OF COURSE

WELP TEREZI, SWEETIE, I THINK WE’RE NOT GOING TO CALL THE WITNESS EITHER WAY, WHAT TO DO

Also please do stop and realize that this was staged by Terezi beforehand and she stabbed that poor little dragon and also the blood looks very suspiciously similar to the material of her red curtains by the door, then she positioned the scalemate behind her so that she could turn and gasp dramatically at the freshly discovered body and she did all of this because she is an utter dork. No other reasons. That’s it. She is a DORK.

Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. Well played. The prosecution’s key witness, murdered. How convenient! The courtblock has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now. 

I SHOULD HOPE THAT AS A FELLOW PROSECUTOR YOU DON’T THINK THAT KILLING EARNS PEOPLE RESPECT

And no matter the plot twist the password page did interrupt the momentum!!

SHE NEVER SAW IT COMING

……….Sorry.

The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel, perhaps? CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-GOTTEN FINERY?????? 

Okay, but realistically speaking Lemonsnout is a FUCKING IDIOT. 

TEREZI THAT WAS REALLY REALLY CONVENIENT I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT

The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and puke.

OH MY FUCKIN—
EXCELLENTLY DELIVERED LINE
EXECUTION 10/10
PROSECUTOR IS A DRAMA QUEEN AND I, AS A WITNESSING CITIZEN, CAN ONLY APPLAUD HER, AND GO PUKE BECAUSE LEMONSNOUT, THAT WAS REALLY FREAKING LOW

As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval. 

I TOLD YOU THAT THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK AS LONG AS THE DEFENDANT KICKS THE BUCKET

But you take pity on this miserable bureaucrat. You are feeling merciful. You will give him a fighting chance. 

WHAT

DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU HAD BEEN AFTER HIM FOR A LONG TIME

I’M GETTING MIXED SIGNALS OVER HERE

You will flip a DOUBLE-HEADED TROLL CAEGAR to decide his fate.

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

You do this quite often when making important decisions.

OH DEAR. Terezi, look deep into my eyes— pretend to look deep into my eyes SNIFF MY FUCKING EYES, WHATEVER IS YOUR EQUIVALENT (don’t lick them tho), and promise me you will never ever ever ever pull out that idiotic coin to take decisions that will have real actual fucking repercussions because if you do I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FLIP MY SHIT SO HARD THAT ANY TANTRUM THAT VANTAS EVER THREW WILL SOUND LIKE A SWEET LULLABY IN COMPARISON

I WILL EMIT SOUND WAVES SO HIGH THAT MY SCREAMS WILL SMASH WHATEVER IS LEFT OF THE FOURTH WALL AND THEN REACH YOU

AND IN THAT MOMENT YOU WILL WISH YOU WERE DEAF INSTEAD OF BLIND

HAVE I BEEN CLEAR??? Of course I have been. Isn’t a coin flip just about the easiest fucking way to create alternate timelines??? Terezi, what are you doing?? If you take that thing out every time you gotta take an important decision this will just become the messiest Sburb session ever. One day the Made of Time of this session will just show up and flip that coin into the sunset as she screams, and then disappear as she screams, not before punching you as she screams. Life is hard for Time Players.

Kind of like Batman’s nemesis, Two-Face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turns out there are lots of badasses out there flipping coins. But those are Earth things and you’ve never heard of them. It’s safe to say you borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that’s got hard boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. You base the habit on whichever one smells the most badass.

Which means that this is just unoriginal.

A favorable flip. The senator exhales in relief.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME

WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS TEREZI

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT JUSTICE

WAS I WRONG ALL ALONG

SORRY I GOT INVESTED WITH THE STORY NOW

But, what are you so happy about, Mr. Lemonsnout? 

He looks a bit confused. He quivers his lowly proboscis at the coin. 

See? The coin has exonerated him.

NO

OH MY GOD
OH MY FREAKING SHIT I KNOW WHERE SHE IS GOING

SEE? NO NO SHE DOES NOT ASKLWJDOIWJ THIS IS TOO CRUEL THIS IS JUST CRUELTY AT THIS POINT AND I LOVE IT

SHE LOOKS LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN ALL GLOATING AND I CAN’T TAKE THIS

Coin? What coin? 

Surely you jest, Mr. Senator. The prosecution sees no coin.

FUCKAJDKNCWDC

​YOU LITTLE SHIT

SHE’S BLIND, REMEMBER?

I JUST SQUEALED OUT OF SHEER AWE
I JUST SQUEALED
SQUEALED
I AM UTTERLY EMBARRASSED

THAT’S ABRUPT

BUT THAT’S OKAY IT WAS BEGINNING TO DRAG ON AFTER A WHILE

Execution of poor scalemates aside, that’s a really nice forest that Terezi lives in. 

…Wait…. Oh la la, who do I spot in the background?? It’s been 38 sweeps since our last sighting. Or maybe I just missed a shit ton of them along the way. Anyway get outta here before Terezi’s enhanced smell radar intercepts you and she puts you on trial for trespassing…… or is that treespassing…………. OH MY GOD I AM SORRY I WILL STOP

OOOHHH!! THAT’S SUCH A PRETTY TREE HOUSE!!! THE SCALEMATES SOMEHOW MAKE IT PRETTIER.

Terezi keeps being inappropriate with every member of the jury and His Tyranny. Is that how you plan on winning trials, young lady? Miss Morals?? We need to have a long, serious talk about that attitude of yours!

Another triumph for justice. The courtblock is adjourned. You offer final salutations to His Tyranny in the customary manner. 

Ok, that’s not customary at all. You’re just kind of weird. 

It’s just that your red chalk is THE MOST DELICIOUS CHALK. You cannot get enough of it. Anyone who says there is a more delicious chalk out there simply reeks of deceit.

*WV gulps guiltily as he swallows down another ton of green chalk*

Also Terezi is totally gonna exploit Dave only so that she can get to the sweet bright red of his words. I don’t have it in my hearth to reprimand her. Color Addiction is a nightmare. You see those people… those poor poor people going around in bright yellow cars sometimes……. at that stage it is almost always too late to go back to normal…..

And as she uses books as a ladder, or as we should say to help her being a social climber and getting too cozy with Mister Tyranny, the witness’ family mourns, they lost a father and a husband today, nobody is even coming to collect the body, the beetles just gallivanting around will take care of it…… A tragedy unfolds under our uncaring eyes……..

Okay what the actual fuck am i saying now seriously

You take your WALKING CANE, which you use as a weapon kind of like Earth Daredevil who you’ve never heard of. You will use it to wallop enemies when you enter the Medium.

CANEKIND. Impractical, but hardcore. Also now I must watch Daredevil and search for parallels, I only know their name, and I have to use they pronouns because I don’t even effing know their gender. I am deeply ashamed.

Also, panels change, but the beetles remain in the same exact position through it…. I think…. well…. Rest In Pieces.

I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT YOU CAN FUCKING UPGRADE YOUR WEAPON.

Is that an harpoon. How resourceful. Okay kids, who had the brilliant idea of prototYPING WHAT IS PROBABLY A REAL LIFE DRAGON, JESUS FUCK. Let me talk to the dragon enthusiast. Congratu-fuckin-lation, Terezi. You just made this ten times more difficult. Where the fuck did you find a dragon anyway. One thing are the scales, an entirely other one is the beast. Go figure. Well, still a better choice than Cal, honestly.

And that’s a cool land and different from what I expected for her, but okay. The ruins in the back and the streams give a sense of… calm?? and peace?? Which kind of stands against Terezi’s personality, sprightly and active, I wonder if that’s a Seer thing?? Getting lands that don’t seem to fit you at first glance.

GIRL YOU SEE BETTER THAN ME WHEN I FORGET MY GLASSES I FEEL SO FUCKING CHEATED

I have no idea if she has licked everybody’s names but purposefully avoided Karkat’s or if she only licked his name but both options are hilarious. Okay, the avoiding one is funnier, I must admit.

Your nose begins scouring your chumproll through the saliva smears on your monitor for potential teammates so you can start playing. Hmm, no not her. Nope, not her either. DEFINITELY not that guy. 

IT WAS KARKAT. Is there anybody who you really like or do we have to jump straight to Gamzee? Seriously, girl. Seriously.

Ok how about this girl. You like to roleplay with her sometimes via chat. 

Yes, see!! So you don’t have to always role play alone!! That’s the magic of the internet!!

You pretend you are a member of the mysterious and noble DRAGONYY'YD RACE, while she does her own goofy thing. 

YOU SAY THAT AS WE HAVEN’T JUST WATCHED YOU TALK TO AND SLAP SOME PUPPETS AROUND AND STAGING FAKE MURDERS USING YOUR CURTAINS TO MAKE THE BLOOD

You don’t have it in your heart to tell her that your chat RPing is meant f4c3t1ously I mean facetiously.

I DON’T HAVE IT IN MY HEART TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE JERK

OH WAIT. I DO!! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE JERK!!

TIME TO MEET THE LEO TROLL!

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] 

GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON* 
GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3* 
AC: :33 < *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill* 

the recent—

AC: :33 < *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* 

WAIT WHAT

AC: :33 < *and the other one to blow you a kiss!* 

oh. …..thanks? I’m a bit put off by the two mouths and the blood, sorry.

Wait, is she a cat?? Or a lion?? That would make more sense but I’m not sure I would associate the “:3” smiley to a lion. Or a :33 smiley, I guess. Why does it have two mouths. AC, why do you have two mouths. Wait you don’t ACTUALLY HAVE TWO MOUTHS, RIGHT????

I JUST REALIZED THAT SHE BLEW A KISS TO TEREZI THAT’S TOO CUTE TO HANDLE

GC: >8O 

Terezi is appropriately charmed.

GC: *GC W1TH 4 M1GHTY WH1SK OF H3R M1GHTY T41L PLUCKS TH3 K1SS OUT OF TH3 41R M1GHT1LY* 
GC: *GC POCK3TS TH3 K1SS 1N H3R 3NCH4NT3D RUCKS4CK FOR L4T3R, TO DO SOM3TH1NG M4G1C4L, L1K3 M4K3 GOBL1N W1SH3S COM3 TRU3* 

TEREZI WHAT WAS THAT YOU ARE HORRIBLE AT THIS

AC: :33 < *yes! ac finds that to be a most admirable use of a kiss!* 
AC: :33 < *she thinks that goblin wishes n33d to come true too just like any other kind of purrsons wishes* 

THAT’S ADORABLE HELP

AC: :33 < *ac begs your pardon while she rips apart this tasty beast to prepare a meal for her cubs* 

THAT’S TERRIFYING HELP

GC: *GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY* 
AC: :33 < uh oh! 
GC: *GC 3Y3S THE CUBS HUNGR1LY!* 
GC: *4ND M1GHT1LY* 
GC: *3SP3C14LLY M1GHT1LY* 

*GC HAS SAID THE WORD MIGHTY AND OTHER VARIATIONS OF IT THIRTEEN TIMES IN FOUR PARAGRAPHS*

*THIS READER THINKS THAT GC DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SHE IS DOING*

AC: :33 < dont you dare! 
AC: :33 < i mean 
AC: :33 < *ac shouts dont you dare!* 
AC: :33 < *indignantly* 

OH MY GOD SHE’S SO INTO THIS. Honey, Terezi is not going to steal your dinner nor your fictional cubs or anything. She only eats chalk and possibly her law books pages in some attempt to learn through osmosis. You have got this, you are safe.

GC: *BUT 1T 1S TOO L4T3! GC SCOOPS UP 4 PLUMP CUB W1TH H3R GL1ST3N1NG M4J3ST1C T41L 4ND FL13S OFF M4G1C4LLY* 
GC: *TH3 1NNOC3NT CUB 1S CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG* 
AC: :33 < *ac says noooooooo and looks a bit crestfallen* 
AC: :33 < *ac gets a clever idea to slake the majestic dragons mighty hunger* 
AC: :33 < *she prepares the lions share of the slain armored cholerbear for gc* 
GC: >:? *GCS M4GN1F1C3NT CUR1OS1TY H4S B33N P3RK3D* 
GC: 1S 1T 4 BULL CHOL3RB34R?? 
GC: OOPS *SH3 4SK3D TH4T* 
AC: :33 < *ac pawses a moment and nods knowingly with a couple of smug grins on her face* 
AC: :33 < *she confirms it is ind33d the bulliest of bears!* 
GC: *GC 1NST4NTLY LOS3S 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 PUNY CUB 4ND DROPS 1T TO TH3 GROUND F4R B3LOW!* 
AC: :33 < *but as it happens the really cute cub lands in a bush safe and sound, whew!* 

I think AC was two seconds away from having a heart attack as she typed this. Screeched so loudly she woke up all the nearby lawnrings. Also Terezi is enjoying this way too much and for all the wrong reasons.

GC: *GC’S 4L4RM1NG 4ND SPL3ND1F3ROUS G1RTH S3TTL3S OV3R THE SUCCUL3NT CHOL3RB34R ST34K* 
GC: *WH3N SH3 F1N1SH3S TH3 S4VORY R3D M34T SH3 L1FTS H3R PROUD W1S3 H34D 4ND OP3NS H3R GR34T B1G MOUTH 4ND SP34KS TH3 4NC13NT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS* 

Girl, I do get that you're only six sweeps old, and you are in that age in which roleplaying with your super perfect self-insert that is also a magical dragon seems like a wonderful idea, but GODDAMMIT YOUR ROLEPLAYING IS JUST ATROCIOUS TEREZI

GC: *SH3 S4YS:* 
GC: H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3 W1TH M3? 
AC: :33 < *ac crinkles up her nose and prepares for a really unprecedented marathon of baffling feline obstinacy* 
AC: :33 < *her dragonyyydy suitor will make neither rhyme nor reason of her purrplexing behavior for even an instant!* 

WAS THAT A CAT PUN

GC: NO NO TH4T W4S 4 R34L QU3ST1ON 

GC: W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3?? 
AC: :33 < oh! h33h33 
AC: :33 < ok if you mean a computer game then yes that sounds like fun 
GC: OK YOU C4N B3 ON MY T34M 
AC: :33 < team? 
AC: :33 < who else is playing? 
GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D Y3T 
GC: 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF US 1N TWO T34MS 
AC: :33 < oh 
AC: :33 < well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first 
GC: BL4R!!!!! 
GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D 
GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU 

First of all: you’re all about law and yet so much insubordination, so much. ALSO!!!! She has a guardian that actually checks on her?? Whose authority is respected by AC?? I’m not going to fall for this!! I’M NOT!!!! Last time there seemed to be an actual person that knew what they were doing in the parenting field they turned out to be A FUCKING DOG.

AC: :33 < i know! 
AC: :33 < but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything 
GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D 1N SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 MYR14D OF DUMB W4YS 
GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 4FR41D OF 4NYON3 
GC: YOU K1LL B1G 4NIM4LS W1TH YOUR B4R3 H4NDS! 

SHE DOES WHAT????

Isn't roleplaying to pretend to be someone who is different from you?? Like Miss Lady Dragon Whatever? Getting to experience things that you couldn’t while being yourself!? If she does this everyday FOR REAL I don’t see the point in roleplaying. Does she just do it so that she can pretend…. to be….a…..cat….. OH FUCK. OH FUCK ME. ANOTHER DAMNED FURRY. ANOTHER FURRY. JUST WHAT THIS WEBCOMIC NEEDED. JUST COVER ME IN FURRIES. SEE IF I CARE. NO I DON’T, I’M CRYING BECAUSE I’M ALLERGIC TO FUR FUCK YOU

Well, if you can’t beat them, join them. It is the last pawsibility.

GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 H3 L1V3S NOWH3R3 N34R YOU SO TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 1S 3XTR4 STUP1D 

Okay, so perhaps it’s not her guardian. I don’t like this. The whole being scared thing. Smells fishy as fuck. And not even the kind of fishy that AC would like as a cat. 

AC: :33 < i knooow 
AC: :33 < but i dont think itll be a big deal 
AC: :33 < ill just mention it casually and itll be fine im sure and then we can play in just a little bit! 
GC: >XO 
GC: F11111N3 
GC: 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 W1LL GO ROUND UP SOME MOR3 P3OPL3 TO PL4Y 
AC: :33 < k!

Well, that’s just clawful. How much do you wanna bet that it won’t be just fine and it delay her entry as much as pawssible??

You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read. No luck in getting this guy to play with you right now either. 

You guess that leaves…

KARKAT

Oh no. Not Karkat.

TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC DARLING

You were only going to ask him as a last resort. You wonder what he wants? You will try to avoid mentioning the game. Hopefully he hasn’t caught wind of it yet.

He has caught wind, rain, snow and fog of it. And he is after your leadership and everything you own. Possibly also after the booty. That much is unclear.

He is not…. smashing the keyboard…? Nor screaming…? This is. Oh, my. Girl, you were right, he’s so into you. He looks like he has found inner peace. At last. His hands are not even clenching or anything. He couldn’t look calmer if he had just eaten one of Gamzee’s pies. Love truly is a magical experience. You have a gift, Terezi. Now go get the boy!!! If you want to, I mean. I still don’t get what you see in him but okay.

But I’m definitely not up for the Karkat Brand Of Bitchiness right now. So for the time being, I beg your pardon, but I’m leaving and I’m going to sleep for ten consecutive hours because my head is throbbing.

And when I’m back I will be ready for a round of Karkat and Terezi getting all kawaii with each other or just Karkat being the huge fucking tsundere that we all know and love. …So to speak. See ya!!

The good news is that Sollux is not a fusion, that is also the bad news.

I apologize beforehand for the shortness of this post, but I am somewhat justified by the fact that I won’t make you wait a month for the next one!! Or so I like to tell myself so that that I don’t feel guilty. I should be able to post next week! 

LIES. LIES AND SLENDER. TA said to talk about it with Terezi and get her to agree he did not suddenly declare Karkat the absolute leader 5evah, Karkat, you absolute little liar. Do not bend to this tomfoolery, Terezi!!!!!

He says as he clicks on the “Abort send” button of his 54 panels powerpoint about leadership and throws his twenty pages worth of notes about possible approaches to this argument with Terezi into the trash. He had studied for this. Stand in front of a mirror practicing his bossy voice and looks. He forgot Trollian never had videochat. It was useless.

Pesterlogs with Karkat have become my first source on Alien Anatomy. I believe he just told her …. that is all there is to “shit” on the matter???? What??? Is…. Is this a parallel to Dave’s “AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER” Which automatically means that there is a lot to say. I’m genuinely fucking confused.

B-But Terezi….. I want to back you up on this, I really do! But I just witnessed to you hurl a hanged puppet through your window while probably cackling like a maniac until you busted a lung and the only thing missing in the scene was a cat to pet evilly.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SAYING I HAVE REREAD THIS THREE TIMES I FUCKING GIVE UP I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES. Is he saying that he is up to her ass into melodrama?? I?????? What? Karkat, stop talking about Terezi’s gluteus muscles before you say something embarrassing, Freudian Slips are awaiting you just around the respite block’s corner.

Terezi, flirt harder, they haven’t hard you in the next galaxy. They have on Earth though, everyone is getting second-hand embarrassment. I have never sympathized so fervently with Karkat before. …In fact I have never sympathized with Karkat PERIOD. Girl, you made me sympathize with the little shit and nobody had ever accomplished such a fea— Oh, wait, John. John did. Congratulations to you both.

THIS IS THE GREATEST BURN IN THE WHOLE WEBCOMIC OF THE MAGNITUDE THAT NOT EVEN STANDING NEXT TO AN IMPLODING VOLCANO WOULD BURN YOU TO THIS DEGREE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE IT. IT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW.

I wanna return back in time to this moment when later on you end up staring wistfully to your Adam Sandler Poster while a big ass meteor is 30 seconds for your house just to spit in your face or something. Wreck your posters, maybe.

NO NO FUCK YOU TO THE NEXT PERIGEE WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT IMAGINARY I AM GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES WAIT YOU’RE NOT MAMMALS????? Of course not, I’m an idiot. Also none of you kids had to endure that at all, you came directly through Skaia Meteor Express.

…She’s going to wreck his hive, isn’t she? Karkat, please lock your Troll Equivalent for a bathroom beforehand. For no reason whatsoever. You will thank me later. You won’t end up answering the call of nature by the edge of a cliff nor absconding to the shower.

And it’s in moment like these that you remember that Terezi really is blind.

OH indeed. Hmm. So what…. would you call… a troll baby. Hmm. Yeah, you know what, I don’t look forward to that Ectobiology session anymore.

Less hair and more whine tho wait how in holy hell does she know—

Ah, yes. My bad. Suddenly everything is clear. *whispers* who/what’s a lusus

By who??? The fucking dwarfs in the forest?? Magical mystic creatures?? Ancient profecies?? Are you secretly the Chosen One?? The Girl Who Did Not Have A Lusus?? You don’t have parents, Terezi, who are you asking for permission?!

oh no. oh no, oh dammit. they are cute!

Karkat’s sarcams is so magnificent, it’s so dry. I love it. He should give GA some lessons. They would be the best snarkers. Also I fully expect Karkat to deliver all of the Wham Lines from now on.

Hey! It was a prophecy! Kinda! Maybe! Haha! Also congratulations you’re getting a Lusus real soon! Incredibly soon! About one hour kind of soon. The down side is that the world ends but who cares it kind of sucked, just bring you scalemates with you, you gonna be okay.

A’ight. Let’s see. It is a sentient being. It talks. Referred by it so not a person but neither an object. Dreams. Gotta get permission to “own” one. Pet?? Talking pet?? Not exactly. Animal companion?? Animal companion. Karkat’s crab? Karkat’s crab. Mystery solved. …I think.

I told you there were gnomes. THERE IT IS. THERE IT FUCKING IS. The way he goes “Terezi, we gotta get you out of the forest”, the way he goes “Gamzee, You gotta get rid of all those horns”, the way he goes “TA, are we still friends?”. Karkat Vantas, ladies and gentlemen, cares about his friends. A lot. LE GASP!! We never suspected a thing!! Please Karkat, you can go back to your hardcore tsundere act. We will never betray this secret. 

“OK WELL” Ok, well. You did not just “okay well” Terezi after such a proposal. She lives on a tree. A TREE. You would be alone, the two of you. Sitting. On a tree. C’mon, don’t make me spell it out. Get lip action. Mouth wrestle. Practice PDA. Smucker the pucker. Make FaceTime. I can go on but you don’t want me to.

Going… to fondle…. major…………….. seedflap?? Seed… flap? what. Karkat, for fuck’s sake, stop making me wonder if every body part you mention is. If it is. THIS IS NOT SEX ED 101 KARKAT

ABRUPT

Goddamn, Terezi, those walls were not your personal canvas. There is an actual accurate depiction of Karkat Vantas. What an artist that Terezi is. She caught him mid-scream.

What an eerie land. And yeah that is quite a lot of blood! *high fives past self* 

Land of Pulse and Haze is an incredibly fitting name!! Because Pulse goes with anger and also with blood itself and Haze would be the result of said anger that clouds the judgement and makes you mess up when you can’t think straight. So basically it is flaunting Karkat’s flaws. Wow. Rude.

And Jesus Christ those stairs don’t look navigable and if you fall you either get freaking impaled on one of those rocks or take a swim in blood. Disgusting. How dense is blood anyway. Would he even be able to float, let alone swim? Also disgusting. Did I mention that it would be disgusting??? Disgusting.

Further research (two minutes on google) show that it is actually possible to swim in blood! It would be kind of sickening (YOU DON’T SAY) and considering that blood is more viscous it would be harder to move, you would have to swim slow but it is also actually easier to float in blood! So yeah, overall, you could. But why would you want to??

RIGHT! Now that I’ve erased my fears of Karkat drowning into blood, I can go on! 

Oh!! And we cannot overlook the most important detail!! We got ourselves a sweet second knight. Actual canon requisites to be a Knight seem to be: being a huge dork; being crappy at expressing feelings in a healthy way; and pretend badly to be a person that you aren’t really. Mmhh. Gotta see if I can find any other similarities.

Sickle and Will Smith poster, I bet.

That is the exact same face that John made while brandishing his wrinklefucker. You don’t look any less constipated than he did. Sorry, buddy.

OH MY FUCKING GOD TEREZI NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN NOR THE TOILET

Okay but why do they use the slime sopor in the toilet. Isn’t its purpose to soothe and stuff?? Is it just in case they fall asleep on it or something. Wow

Not really. :(

Do you want to seriously KO her because that sure seems to be your purpose. …………I just realized that Terezi’s greatest weakness is her nose. It’s her Achilles Heel. Terezis Nose.Holy crap. Just punch her on the nose and she is out of the picture! Because if it gets clogged up with blood she cannot see shit! Oh dear, imagine in the heat of the battle getting clobbered in the face, Terezi stumbling around like some sort of zombie screaming like a bashee “1 C4NT  FUCK1NG S33!!” AND EVERYBODY IS JUST REALLY CONFUSED AND GOES “YEAH?? AND YOU LOVE JUSTICE AND LICKING RED SURFACES WHAT ELSE IS NEW” I’m actually genuinely  worried about this, I want Terezi to wear an helmet. I demand it. This is ridiculous enough that it could totally happen in this webcomic.

I JUST DID THIS INCREDIBLE SPIT TAKE???? TEREZI IS NOBILITY????? IF TEREZI WHO LIVES ON A TREE AND SURVIVES ON CHALK STASHES IS NOBILITY THEN WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS KAR—

YEAH WTF STOP READING MY MIND THO IT’S CREEPY

TEREZI THAT SOUNDED BAD

DEATH THREATS LEVEL OF BAD

I wonder if it’s actually bad etiquette to just directly ask a troll about their blood colour or this is just Karkat being Karkat. Then again he knows that she is blue blooded so. Well he sure as hell doesn’t have blue blood as fun as that would have been. I would have loved it. Red seems too obvious. And Terezi would have figured it out. Which makes me think that the blood on the land is actually not troll blood. Carapacian blood, most probably. She wouldn’t have recognized it as such. Welp, looks like we will have to wait till Terezi throws that mean right punch in his face after all. Either that or she manages to make him blush madly! >;]  >;]

What is with her obsession with blood, you mean!! Listen, I’m not implying anything, nor will I waste time repeating myself again, but just saying you might want to wear a turtleneck while you are around her, carry some garlic on you, maybe bring a crucifix……. NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.

I’m pretty sure he is just jealous of her incredible talent. Also Karkat has killed all the imps on sight?? Is that why there weren’t any?? I thought they had all drowned themselves after Karkat began screaming and ranting. Like sailors would do with a mermaid’s singing voice…. I just imagined Karkat as a mermaid. Why do I keep doing this to myself.

Yeah, see. This is a more reasonable approach to flirting, Terezi. Because when you praise him like before you come off too strong and he thinks you are faking it or you are making fun of him because even though he likes to pretend he is this infallible badass fighter but he knows he really isn’t! So keep it up that way so that I don’t groan next time you type a heart and send it to the boy! And don’t exaggerate on the “you’re so cute” thing either! He would end up thinking you don’t think take him seriously. Basically what I’m saying is that you can’t do much if he doesn’t trust you because he is always on the defensive! 

Why did I just lose a paragraph discussing the best way to flirt with a character. The world may never know. I don’t even know.

The denial runs deep.

OH DEAR FUCKING FUCK

ARE YOU SERIOUS

HIS ENTRY WAS SO FAST THAT HE DIDN’T EVEN MANAGE TO SEE THE METEOR????

GODDAMN

Hit and sunk!!! …Is that… not what we were doing?? Sorry, it’s just a bunch of letters and numbers when I don’t remember the chumhandles. Well, TA is our hacker nerd. That I remember.

OH GOD THE FROGS HAVE RETURNED
AND THEY ARE EVEN STRONGER
MAY THEY BE DAMNED

WHY HELLO you mysterious floating glowy lady in desperate need of a change of clotHES HOLY SHIT IT’S THE ARIES TROLL!!! OH MY!!! ARIES TROLL ARIES TROLL ARIES TROLL

Did you lose your eyes in the big war. I love how she carefully applied mascara even though she doesn’t have pupils.

YEAAAAAAHH SCREW FROGS!!! …Wait, don’t screw frogs actually, that’s unhygienic, you don’t know where those frogs have been. In a pond, most probably.
And as much as I approve of this decision I must inform you that desecrating frogs comes with 413 years, 4 months and 13 days of bad luck!!

She is really rocking that Rose parallel, isnt she?? Flying and all. Apparently the less damns you give about the consequences of your actions, the easier it is to lift from the ground. Uuuuuhhh, I may understand from where that feeling comes from but it usually comes AFTER one enters the game. The whole everything has a reason bluh bluh bluh bullshit.

WHAT ARE THOSE
OW MY EYES MY POOR EYES WHAT ARE THOSE SERIOUSLY I AM NOT EVEN MEMEING AT THIS POINT WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES

Code Red, we have a Code Red. Vertically striped…. black and blue pants… on … Oh god, I can’t even say it…  striped purple and cerulean shoes….. THE HORROR. Fashion lovers everywhere, forgive this young troll, for they do not know what they are doing… This requires an immediate fashion makeover. Before my eyes start to bleed, I mean.

GAMZEE’S FAYGO WENT ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE OCEAN I CANNOT BELIEVE

Miracles everywhere

Welp, and the way you word that reprimand makes me think I am in the presence of a proud sea dweller, am I right or am I right?? I apologize beforehand because I kind of thought you guys were sea monsters at first. Monster or not your color choices are terrifying, I must say.  Also you don’t actually live underwater, obviously. Not when you wear long pants and shoes. So where does the name come from??

So many questions that could be answered in the next page while instead I keep blabbering!

Or not. Sea you later, Aquarius troll! Get changed before I’m back!!

I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING NOTICE IT OH DEAR

Well, it happened after he entered the Medium for sure, because Terezi had painted over it.

…It would have been. 

How the fuck did Karkat survive the explosion anyway??? Whatever. Seriously why tell me beforehand.

HOLY SHIT THAT THING IS HUGE

I am. I. feel so fucking cheated. I thought that the custodian would be his parental figure. But. The crab is the parental figure. So. Where does that put his parents. Which he has gotta have.

That’s not even true, not actually a lie, it’s just what Karkat thinks but guess what?? Surprise, ECTOBIOLOGY!! Can’t do ectobiology without parents. And also he said so himself to John. That he cloned his parents. So, there…

THAT IS DISGUSTING AND I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT  AND A PAIL SERIOUSLY LIKE HOW MUCH OOOOOOH MY GOD NOT THINKING ABOUT IT NOOOOPE I AM WONDERING ABOUT THINGS I REALLY SHOULD NOT BE WONDERING ABOUT AND I GOTTA STOP

…….ALTHOUGH LET ME JUST SAY THAT THE WHOLE SYSTEM REALLY BELITTLES THE IMPORTANCE OF THE ACT ITSELF WHEN IT JUST BECOMES ANOTHER WAY TO SERVE THE EMPIRE AND ANOTHER OBLIGATION TO FULFILL SERIOUSLY THAT’S SICK NOW I WON’T THINK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN

And the trolls did not have any kind of contact with the Mother Grub nor did they go through any kind of trial, right??

Or did they?! This is confusing! They got on Alternia through meteors so there is no way they ended up in the caverns, they must have pupated elsewhere. And then their lusus found them.

And Terezi seems to be in contact with hers on a regular basis even though they don’t live together. Because she is not allowed to. By the bark gnomes in the forest, most probably.

Also must admit that the bond between trolls and their lusus is kind of sweet?? You know, they resurface together and start a new life on the planet together supporting each other. Like a symbiotic bond. And there is also the fact that the lusus chooses one troll specifically among hundred of thousands. That’s kinda heartwarming.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICKITY FRACK. WHO HANDLES POLITICS AND JUSTICE AND HEALTHCARE AND ALL THAT STUFF?? SERIOUSLY?? ARE YOU SAYING THAT ALTERNIA IS A HUGE FUCKING PLAYGROUND

!!!!!!!!!

IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS

ALAS IT WAS NOT

*takes out block-notes* It seems common for Knights to defy any kind of physic law especially while they fight.

Karkat, your actions say “FIGHT” but your heart plus that drawing by the fridge say “I <3 MY CRABBY LUSUS” and there is no mistaking it.

HIS EYES ARE ACTUALLY RED AND BLUE WTF

What if he wore the glasses the other way around?? Would he still see or are those actually corrective lenses??

I feel like I will be groaning real soon.

AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAHHHHH

Bees!!! Bee. Bi. 2. BRB GONNA PUNCH A WALL

How do you even sleep at night with one hundred bees as roommates, the buzzing must be unreal. PLOT TWIST the “things he hears at night” and that haunt him are actually just the bees but Karkat has never bothered actually asking because he is easily spooked so he just went on assuming they were angry spirits for years, there, another mystery solved!

There’s this pretty cool dude, ok? Some people seem to think he’s cool. Sometimes. He guesses they’re right. I mean, maybe. If they say so. Actually, you know what? They’re right.

……you okay, dude? We can come back later when you feel really up for this. No worries. It’s okay, everyone feels a little confused at times, just sort out your thoughts and stuff. Make up your mind about things.

This guy’s dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters. Anyway, he’s standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes, when they’re not moping around or nursing migraines or whatever.

I’m guessing those are mutant brain related, huh. Ouch.

A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. Or at least a name that doesn’t completely fucking suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belongs to someone you’d want to just perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that makes you cringe a little, but you guess you can deal with it if you’ve got to. It’s just a guy’s name, it’s not like it really matters. Who cares?

NOT ME, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WITHIN THE YEAR THANK YOU VERY MUCH

But he probably wouldn’t just tell you what it was if you asked. He’d be way too moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thinks you’ve got some attitude and probably doesn’t want a damn thing to do with you.

You could always try to guess his name. But instead of that, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you just fuck off and go to hell?

Here, name this kooky broad instead.

WOW MOOD SWINGS AHOY HOLY CRAP YEAH SEE YOU LATER DUDE TAKE A NAP IN THE MEANWHILE

WHAT THE FUCK

OKAY CAT ROLEPLAYER

THE ADORABLE ONE

THE ONE WHO BLOWS KISSES

THE ONE WHO IS SURROUNDED BY THE BLOOD OF HER VICTIMS HOLY SHIT

OKAY

OKAY OKAY NO I’M READY SHE HAUNTS FOR EATING RIGHT?

THE FUCK IS ON THE WALLS OF THE CAVE???

OH THANK GOD— …I mean…. It was a pleasure meeting you!! Brief but intense!! Ha ha!! But mostly intense!! See ya neve— LATER! I MEANT LATER!!! 

I could be reading this tremendously wrong but it seems to me that the cool and moody dude may be suffering of bipolar disorder?? There is the fact that duality is his whole theme and also that the mood swings are mostly related to how he feels about himself. Like he goes from being like “I AM THE HOT SHIT” to “I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING” in less than one paragraph. And I feel like it’s a little more serious than just a front of fake self confidence that sometimes crumbles. Than again, I’m no expert on the subject.

Yeah, see his recuperacoon. My sixth sense screams at me “FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS A FUSION ALL ALONG!!!” my brain idly comments that he just alternates from the blue to the red slime depending on his mood. Brain is boring.

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR.

You are apeshit bananas at computers, and you know ALL THE CODES. All of them. You are the unchallenged authority on APICULTURE NETWORKING. And though all your friends recognize your unparalleled achievements as a TOTALLY SICK HACKER, you feel like you could be better. It’s one of a number of things you SORT OF BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT for NO VERY GOOD REASON

SEE???? THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABO—

during sporadic and debilitating BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS.

OH. I kind of really doubt Alternia really cares about mental illness, what with the whole survival of the fittest philosophy. He probably woudn’t even know why he feels that way. 

You have a penchant for BIFURCATION, in logic and in life. Your mutant mind is hounded by the psychic screams of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED.

THE END OF THE WORLD IS DUE IN LIKE TWO HOURS HOW HAS HIS BRAIN NOT IMPLODED YET

Your visions foretell of the planet’s looming annihilation, and yet unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, you are gifted with VISION TWOFOLD.

For now.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

WOW WOW SERIOUSLY HE LEADS A MAGNIFICENT LIFE

WANNA KICK HIM IN THE NOOK JUST FOR FUN TOO??

You have developed a new game, adapted via CODE PARSED FROM THE RUNES AND GLYPHS IN AN ANCIENT UNDERGROUND TEMPLE. You believe this game to be THE SALVATION OF YOUR RACE, though you are not sure how yet. To ensure success, you will distribute the game to two teams of friends, a RED TEAM and a BLUE TEAM. You will lead the latter group. Your trolltag is twinArmageddons and you tend two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.

Oh. So that’s why they are playing in two teams! To increase the rate of success. So that if one team does not succeed there is still the other one. The important thing is saving the race, after all. Soooooo is AA ever gonna tell him that half of what he knows about Sburb is utter bullshit or what. I have a feeling that she totally knows what’s up.

DUUUUDEEE I DON’T KNOW IF THE MUTANT IS WORTH IT BUT THAT SURE IS SOME RAD ABILITY THAT YOU’VE GOT

NOW IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY CAREFUL AND DID NOT ALMOST KILL YOURSELF WHILE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR POWERS THAT WOULD BE GREAT

………..

…………………Sollux I’m going to punch a bee, and I won’t stop at only one. I will punch them all. All of your beloved bees. Can you hear them buzzing? Yeah? Well, it really comes from your the inside of your head because they just joined the voices of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED. I don’t give a fuck, never make me read something like THIS ever again, Sollux.

FINE!!!!!! You are on a low calories diet, sheesh. Jesus, what did the poor honey even do to you? You are looking at it like it slaughtered your whole family. …Your whole lusus…? Your lusus whole. WHATEVS.

Do I even want to know?

Spoilers: Absolutely fucking not.

hALF OF THE TIME??? ba dum tss ;D

What?!? I’m paying him back for the beenary joke! 

Yeaaaaahhh, good luck with that—

……… “iit iis ii, the bee2 whii2per, 2ollux”

So would you like to make me a little list of all your superpowers, Mister Captor? Just so I don’t end up staring like a moron next time?? That would be neat. What’s next?? Flying?? Read minds?? Shoot laser beams?? No seriously, do tell me.

OOOOOH, this is a conversation that I was definitely looking forward to!

…Was Karkat seriously the only fucker that knew absolutely nothing about this?? Seriously, even Gamzee knew, he heard about it between one sopor pie and his seventh bottle of Faygo, I’m effing serious, the gnomes of the fucking forest knew, Lemonsnout also knew, bless his corrupt soul.

And that’s actually true because never has her blindness felt like a disadvantage with this girl, and not in the way that you would forget about it, because it is strongly tied to her personality and it is a huge part of what she is. I don’t really know how to explain it?? Meh.

I am sure those were really inspiring words but I kind of lost the thread of this one at hoofbeast, sorry.

Sometime later, that night:

GC: SOLLUX STOP DY1NG ALR34DY

TA *glaring in annoyance*: you know what? ii am goiing to 2tart dyiing even harder!

Seriously, how do you die MORE than someone else?? He’s not a Time player, so it cannot be referring to his copies from other timelines. And I guess everybody has died one time already. Their dreamselves are all dead. On the other end I feel like if he was going to die for good the author wouldn’t be announcing it so there is probably some sort of… plot…… loophole?? Yeah, I have no idea if you hadn’t guessed.

Yeeeah, you keep that up, that whole “>:?” thing, keep playing dumb, but I took note of it! And I’m gonna file it down under things that ABSOLUTELY won’t be relevant ever again. Ha! That was sarcasm, by the way. It’s totally gonna be relevant! …Unless it’s a reference to something I know nothing about. That’s. A possibility. A very real possibility. Damn.

Sollux, that is the gentlest Terezi has ever been to anyone, I’ve never seen her being so considerate while not also trying to get on someone’s good side, she didn’t even mention blood once in the conversation!! She is probably straining to be this kind. ….Someone stop her before she hurts herself…

*COUGH* FUCKING DORKS *COUGH*

Well, I guess overall they have quite the sweet friendship…. The only actually sweet troll friendship so far. And I also guess I am stopping for now!