Liveblogging Homestuck: Now with 130% more romantic subtext!

Yeaaah, I don’t know what I expected. We certainly can’t have thirteen y/o kids getting tipsy on screen! That would be a pretty damn wrong example to set for the youngsters reading this! The fact that Rose can’t stand alcohol kind of reassures me since her entering item was one of MOM’s bottles of booze. It seems it may be hinting more at the problems with MOM and Rose’s relationship that have to be overcome for the kid to really grow up.

However, that is not the only thing about Rose’s entry that worried me! Yes, I’m most certainly looking too much into things but I only noticed recently that the hand of Zazzerpan that got severed thanks to Dave in [S] Enter was holding a magic ball. The ones which predict the future, and the ones that Jade loves to smash from time to time, and Rose is a Seer. That hand transformed what would have been a moderately smooth entry (fire tornadoes and fluctuating wizards aside) in a over dramatic clusterfuck of ill-advised decisions. I wonder if Rose’s role as a Seer will cause her trouble, like actively hinder her, or that maybe she will outright refuse it?? Considering that it is now confirmed that Jade Harley is a disgrace in the Space management field, I don’t know what to think. Maybe the girls will have a bit of an hard time with their roles.

Suddenly. If they wanted to make a more indiscrete entrance I would suggest opting for a less flashy ride than a damned enormous spaceship egg… that teleports too.

It’s a she! As expected. Aaaand, she is pretty different from PM.

The word you’re looking for is teleport! And the last one who could do that was our Miss Ass Kicker Extraordinaire, Snowman! So AR, if you hold dear your eyes and/or the both of your arms, I strongly suggest you do not make advances on this lady! Although losing an eye could only improve his aim, honestly.

STEP ONE: Try to be inconspicuous.

FAILED STEP ONE!

“OH CRAP OH CRAP WHAT DO WE DO” “I’ll leave this one to you, bruh!!” “WHAT”. “I’m out, bruh!!”

This is one lady they won’t end up fighting over at least. And sometimes to keep men in their places you only need some presence. ….Or teleporting out of an egg shaped spaceship thing. The last one may be a little more difficult to accomplish for common mortals though. 

What the hell was that???

It almost sounded like a huge egg appeared in the sky and landed, and then someone mysterious teleported out of it.

Please, describe to me the sound of someone teleporting out of an huge egg that just landed. Oh, wait! It’s the onomatopoeic “EGG”! Everything explained then!

> PM?: Locate the Archagent. 

For the 33th time. I do not want PM to get any near Jack Noir!

You find the agent’s office. But he is nowhere to be found. 

BLESS. HE IS NOT HERE. Sometimes Homestuck answers my prayers and I actually get what I want. Jack is probably hiding from the Queen so that she doesn’t force him into that abominable pink dress. Can you blame him? 

You eye something on the desk there.

SWEET! Now, PM, this is your moment! You pick the package, slip it in your bag under the letters, and slowly slowly make your way out of this palace—

Seriously?! That would totally give her away! She could as well be screaming “Hey, I’m a Prospitian intruder and I’m up to no good!” all across the palace! Learn a bit of strategy! The slicker the better, I say.

If you act quickly enough maybe you can grab the package and get out of here before CAN I HELP YOU

FUCK. Umh, alright. This isn’t necessarily bad, he is just a clown hating knife weilding— yeAH NO WE ARE FUCKED. And PM, honey, what are you even saying, you are the one snooping around in his office, the only way you can help him and most importantly yourself is by suddenly developing the Fourth Exile’s teleportation powers and get outta here!

Mr. Noir tells you that ticket had better be notarized and punched in triplicate and presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees, or you are wasting valuable time he could otherwise spend shirking his clerical duties.

And now it’s time to run for real! There is no shame in running if the one you’re getting away from is easy to anger and armed! Also, Mr. Noir really deserves a paycut. You should inform the Queen of this on your way out. …If you get out.

Ticket? Oh, this thing. Ha, ha, look at that, you are holding a ticket. How did that get in your hand? It belongs on the desk with the others. No, you are not here to pay a parking ticket.

You explain to the frightening man that you are here to pick up that green parcel.

Oh, noooo! But PM, we had…. A DISTACTION. Now we got nothing and our intention are in the clear, you have no right to claim that package unless you wanna explain about how a furry squiddles-loving little girl sent you a letter from the past— Yeah, no. He would think you’re fucking with him. Ugh. Even if you had permission to take it, he would just make it as hard as he could.

Jack makes it clear he would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. Also any legit courier would have the pickup forms ready to go. In spite of how he’s supposed to be dressed now but isn’t, he ain’t nobody’s fool.

Ahahahah, how funny, Sir Noir! We are certainly not trying to fool you, we never ever thought about it! We think that outfit would, in fact, suit you perfectly! Now… how about… everybody stays calm, and you put that nasty looking thing back… and we return to being diplomatic… we can work something out…?

But perhaps an UNDERSTANDING can be reached.

He gives you a HIT LIST.

nO, WE CANNOT WORK SOMETHING OUT!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK, JACK??!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!! Jade and John will have to suck it up, they won’t get that package because I forbid PM from even considering it! Those are the symbols of the White Queen and King! Ex-fucking-cuse you, Jack, PM is not gonna betray her kingdom, you self-important piece of crap!

Bring him the crowns. He’ll give you the box.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. First of all, why would Jack think that PM would be willing to go to such lengths for a measly present (which I think is not that much of a big deal as Jade is making it out to be anyway) and he’s just giving away his sword?? PM still had it. After four hundred years. And she knew how to use it! There better not be anyone’s blood on her hands by then! PM, I TRUST YOU, DON’T DO THIS TO US.

The PARCEL MISTRESS departs with her mission of double agency. You wonder if she’ll actually be so foolish as to attempt to uphold her end of the lopsided bargain. You make a policy of handing out a REGISWORD and a HITLIST to just about everyone who enters your office. But you never think anyone’s actually going to GO THROUGH with it.

I…. actually got worried…. wondering about the meaning of that gesture…. and he just HANDS OUT HIT LISTS TO EVERYBODY?!? Is that the great strategy the Dark Kingdom has come up with to win this war?! Wow. If he is set on killing them he can just go and do it himself. Also, PM is a smart lady, right?? He only asked for their crowns, right?? So if she could get help from the Queen and King themselves, bring him those crowns, they could fool him into thinking they are both dead, right??

You wish you could watch. She’s a deadwoman.

You wonder why she’s so desperate to acquire this package. What could be inside?

It’s actually a nuclear bomb, it will blown up in your face when you open it. It was all planned by our Jade, you see. This will be useful to John so he won’t have to deal with you when he comes to rescue his dad. There, mystery solved, 100% accurate prediction.

PFFFTAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FACE EVEN OH MY GOD I CAN’T BREATHE I’VE NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT THAT THING BUT NOW, NOW I NEED TO KNOW.

Dave: Punch some cards.

Jaaaade…. you’re,,,, supposed…. to be,, a witch of space,,,,,dammit *screams into the void*

Jade keeps dropping a weird assortment of objects for you to captchalogue and punch. You’ve given up trying to identify any rhyme or reason to the thought process behind it.

There probably isn’t any. Are we totally sure she’s not taking naps again??

Your inscrutable thought process leads you to draw the PUNCH DESIGNIX on your SCRIBBLEPAD.

Oooooh, but there is a thought process in that silly head of hers! She can practically draw everything she needs and make Dave create it. I told you that the Pictionary modus was really useful!

Dave, I would have never thought that Jade…. I’m just so sorry.

TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix
TG: which is sort of cool i guess
TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card
TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place

But actually, you know what? Jade does put things in incredibly inconvenient places but she does it because she puts stuff in places where it fits neatly instead. Like how the shape of the air-conditioner in her eyes looked perfect for the alchemiter, or the punch designix was placed in the hallway longways. Because it fits and there is no empty space left. The problem is that she doesn’t consider the fact that Dave has to work with those things. It’s just Jade being Jade, not Jade being incompetent in her role. Heh, that kind of reassures me. Also that won’t be a problem when she will be building, so I look forward to that!

And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is what a Time player and a Space player can accomplish when working TOGETHER. Isn’t it especially convenient to have both someone who can control Time and someone that can control Space on your team?? Even though the trolls most probably do too, I mean… they’re twelve.

You make a tiny AIR CONDITIONER.

This was totally not a waste of time!

Dave, don’t you start too now. By the way the amount of pun-based insults you can throw to a Space or a Time player is literally endless. I hope that there is someone obsessed with puns in the troll team so that we can fully exploit all possibilities!

John: Find the car.

Look!!! He made it!!! And we’re not even in Act 6!!! Incredible, we’re making actual progresses!!!

You find your father’s car near the base of the rock pillar. It is surrounded by caution tape for some reason. You are reminded to be cautious.

Thank you, AR. For your wonderful and impeccable job as a vigilante. And alSO BECAUSE JOHN WOULD HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN HIS HANDS ON THOSE COPIES IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

You cautiously inspect the vehicle. To no one’s surprise but yours, the package and the game are missing.

Someone is bugging you.

Yeah, it’s GC again! John won’t be pleased seeing that their last conversation ended up with her swearing that she would cut his throat.

GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N
EB: who?
EB: oh, that’s right…
EB: the leetspeaking blind one.
EB: go away!

But John Egbert is actually the embodiment of perfection and dorkiness, can’t you see it? Proper reaction is proper. Also THE LEETSPEAKING BLIND ONE OMG. That would be rude if she hadn’t made threats on your life, John.

GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P
EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.

OOOOOHHH, BURRRRRN, BUUUUURRRNN—

GC: 1 4M S3NS1T1VE 4BOUT BOTH
EB: sorry.

I’m beginning to think that this girl is actually untrollable. Would you look at that perfect comeback. That deadpan. I’m not even sure if she’s kidding or serious here?! Where are our master human trolls. Dave, where are you when we need y— Oh, yeah. Busy dealing with your bird curse, sorry. JOHN, WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A PRANKSTER, YOU.

GC: YOU C4N M4K3 1T UP TO M3
GC: BY L3TT1NG M3 H3LP YOU
EB: wow, you drive a hard bargain!
EB: but nooooooooooooo.
GC: B3FOR3 YOU K33P TYP1NG MOR3 STUP1D O’S 1N TH4T WORD
GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y
GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y
GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R

Wow…. Wow, she nailed him. Which conversation is this again?! The second?! She’s either really good at figuring out people or she’s lying about trolling linearly.

EB: yeah, well you’re a huge…
EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want.
GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST
GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY
GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3
EB: do you have a braille screen or something?
GC: SHHHHHHHH!
GC: 4NYW4Y TH3 PO1NT 1S
GC: 1TS LONG AND BOR1NG
GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS

Basically the girl wants this webcomic to pick up its pace. I share the feeling.

EB: i don’t really understand.
EB: so you can “see” my whole future there, right?
EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me?
EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don’t you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?

Truuuuuueeee. You raise a good point, John. Thank you. I still don’t feel like trusting her. This is suspicious and I don’t know if I’m ready to give GC the benefit of the doubt.

GC: OK 1 C4N DO TH4T
GC: 4ND 1 4M
GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S
GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU

And this is why I won’t give her the benefit of the doubt.

EB: oh ok, that sounds really great and helpful!
GC: 1 M34N M3SS W1TH TH3 T1M3L1N3
GC: MY FR13NDS 4LL TH1NK TH4T YOU C4NT R34LLY CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG
GC: TH4T YOUR T1M3L1NE W3'R3 CH4T-HOPP1NG 4ROUND 1S S3T 1N STON3
GC: NO M4TT3R WH4T W3 S4Y OR WH3N W3 S4Y 1T
GC: 4ND TH3YR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT
GC: BUT 1 DONT C4R3
GC: 1 W4NT TO M3SS W1TH 1T 4ND T4ST3 WH4T H4PPENS
GC: >:D

I’ve played enough visual novels to know where this is going?? Doesn’t successfully messing with this timeline just create another parallel one where things go differently?? Hell, there are probably a shitload of them but you just don’t know, because you are part of this one and you’ve never seen other outcomes. Like… if someone asked you to choose between doing three random things: clapping your hands, raise them or wave them. The timeline in which you are would branch in three different ones. Say you chose to clap them, but the person who asked wanted you to wave them instead. So they get back in time and try to make you change idea, eventually succeeding. They would get what they wanted but the timeline in which you clapped your hands would still be existing and untouched. It’s kind of hard to explain??! Or maybe it is hard because it doesn’t really make sense. Plus the rules of alternate timelines change in every work of fiction.

EB: sounds dumb.
EB: but if it means you’re going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess.
GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST
GC: 1TS NOT F4R
GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T
EB: whoa, you’ve got a map?
EB: where’d you get it?
GC: JOHN W3 AR3 SO MUCH B3TT3R TH4N YOU IN 3V3RY R3SP3CT 1TS R1D1CULOUS
EB: can i have it?
GC: 1TS HUG3
GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT
GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T
GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO
EB: ok.

I don’t know what to think about this but John just agrees because he is a “total weenie pushover”. Also, he is always willing to take input from anyone as long as there is some sentient being willing to do so nearby. AND IT’S NOT A GOOD THING. AT ALL.

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file “GOH3R3JOHN.G1F” –

Wait, she said she would draw it. And yet she claims to be blind. Oh, well.

And John’s face says it all. I’m pretty sure I pulled the exact same expression though. And even if the map is awful she knows how John looks like! You’re not fooling me, lady! Maybe troll blind is the equivalent to human nearsighted??? Honestly, she doesn’t sound like she is lying about that. But it is also evident that she can see. Kinda… sorta. Is there some kind of cultural misunderstanding going on?? Or maybe someone told her how John looks like. And she managed to draw a map worse than the one Spades Slick made, something that I never thought I would have seen in this webcomic.

EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.
EB: what am i looking at here?
GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO
GC: >:[
EB: ok sorry but it’s useless.
EB: what’s with these colors.
GC: 1 P1CK3D ON3S TH4T SM3LL N1C3

She smells colors?? She did it with Rose too. Some sort of synesthesia, maybe?? I don’t know.

EB: couldn’t you just, like…
EB: crop the world map.
EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST.

Naaah, I’m sure they just have a pretty bad God Complex. All of them. That’s actually impressive. They are a superior alien race bluh bluh etc etc… Rose would over-analyze the hell out of those guys. Wait, she will. Just give her some time.

GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3
GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y
GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T
GC: 1TS 4 B1G P1P3
GC: YOU JUMP 1N
GC: TH3 W1ND W1LL T4K3 YOU TO TH3 G4T3
GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT

WHOOOOOAAAAA, JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT ONE MOMENT!!!! THE BIG PIPE….. YOU DON’T MEAN THE ONE WE SAW IN THE MINIGAME, RIGHT???!!!! BECAUSE THERE WAS HIS DENIZEN IN THERE???!! GC, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLANNING!!??!!

EB: you mean The Breeze?
GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R
GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3???
EB: sure.

NO. BUT…. WAIT. JOHN. Goddammit, John Egbert, stop taking orders to everyone who has an opinion to voice already!

Is Vodka Mutini enjoying the show back there? Is it safe to watch such a violent show for a young kitty?? Then again he was pretty unfazed while he and Rose were surrounded by flames. Who knows the trouble he has seen in that laboratory! and also aww, would you look at that! Rose is slaying imps as she knits a cute new scarf! That’s some multitasking abilities you’ve got there, girl!

THAT IS A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOUR AVERAGE IMP, I DOUBT THOSE NEEDLES WILL DO MUCH. Mutie, do something! Your owner is in trouble!

OH GOSH THERE SHE GOES AIMING FOR THE EYESSSSSS

OH MY GOD ROSE WHAT THE HELL AND HOW DID YOU JUMP THAT HIGH ANYWAY THAT’S SOME STRIDER BROTHERS BULLSHIT YOU’RE PULLING HERE

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. AND YOU, MYSTERY ARM IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER, GET OUTTA THIS PANEL, I’M BUSY ADMIRING ROSE’S BADASSNESS AND GETTING SLIGHTLY WORRIED ABOUT THE CRUELTY OF HER METHODS.

JESUS CHRIST. IS DAVE SEEING THIS. I FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD BE SEEING THIS. PLEASE SHOW THIS TO DAVE STRIDER.

Your fave is problematic: The Rose Lalonde version.

Four minutes until Doom Time.

Short liveblogging session now instead of a longer one in a few days. Because I want to hurry this along and get to the end of ACT 4! How much longer is this Act anyway… It seems like it won’t ever end…

YUP. It towers over the whole Land. It emanates a rather grave aura, kind of fitting since it’s the Final Boss’ residence. So GC, care to explain why John is here after he has just got through his First Gate out of Seven and armed with only his questionably useful pogo-hammer! I give you thirty seconds to present a valid justification after which I’m gonna start screaming “IT’S A TRAP” on and on and on and I will just ignore everything you say, forever. Choose your words wisely! READY…GO!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh man, look at this outburst of little human words I’m saying! From my human mouth! Very fucking funny, GC. First things first Sburb does not really give you the chance to cheat your way through the game. Remember when John wanted Rose to just carry him to the gate while he took a well-deserved nap? That didn’t work out. The players are supposed to advance only thanks to their skills.

“YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T” she says. And what if the thing is already awake. It could wake up at any given moment! John could get there and come face to face with a very awake and ready to fight Denizen. It’s too dangerous of a gamble. There are lives at stake. Yup, plural, if something happens to John, Jade is automatically doomed as well. But GC, you’re out of lack, I don’t know if you mean harm or if you are really that optimistic in John succeeding, because the boy may be a bit of a pushover but he won’t let you play with his lif—

—EEEAAAAAH. JOHN!!!!!!! JOHN FUCKING EGBERT, ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID!!!!! THAT GULLIBLE OH MY GOD. He just agreed. Without even an ounce of doubt. John, you deserve whatever is coming for you!! I will stand by and watch as your Denizen kicks your ass and I won’t even care!! I will be as apathetic as Dave fucking Strider!!

Oh, I hadn’t seen that gate. So the trolls have fought their Denizens and know what The Ultimate Alchemy is, but still don’t know what The Ultimate Riddle is all about. Sounds like they may be at the final stages of their adventure. And yet, instead of getting to Skaia and fight The War Between Good and Evil or whatever it is called and WIN THE GAME, they are sitting around and trolling the kids. Okay, I’m not questioning your priorities here, not at all.

CASEY, DON’T FOLLOW HIM. Where is your mom. John, what did you do to the poor thing’s mother, she’s nowhere in sight!!

EB: so this is the seventh gate? 
EB: that’ll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen? 
GC: NOP3 >:] 
GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3 
GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND 
GC: JUST HOP 1N 
GC: DONT WORRY 1LL G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 SOON 4FT3R TH4T

Return node. Does that mean we are going back to the First Gate or the Egberts home. I hope it’s the latter, Nanna will hopefully talk some sense into his head!!

AND WE ARE BACK TO THE VERY START.

> WV, AR: Prepare gift for the WQ. 

OH DEAR. Here we go. It has started. The courtship. Honestly, you guys, you make it look like you haven’t seen a member of the opposite sex in 400 yea— WAIT. DAMMIT. They haven’t.

IS THAT A FREAKING CROWN OH GOD I FEEL SO DUMB SHE IS THE WHITE QUEEN!!!!!!!! WQ!!! That’s why they were so nervous! Aww, don’t worry I doubt the grudge between Prospit and Derse is still a thing after all these years! You have a civilization to rebuild after all! They made her a crown even though she’s not technically their queen! They still recognize her as a superior. And hey, PM! Don’t be shy, come and greet your qu—OH FUCK. Wait…. the Queen is still very much alive…. And PM was supposed to kill her…. there is absolutely no reason to do so now though…. it should be okay…

nOT OKAY!!!! PM, PUT THAT THING DOWN!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING OH MY GOD, PLEASE THINK THIS OVER, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO EVEN ATTEMPT ANYTHING!!!!! DAMMIT THIS IS ALL JACK’S FAULT!! 

> Meanwhile, in a long discarded memory… 

DOES THIS SEEM LIKE THE MOMENT FOR A POV SWITCH I’M GOING TO SUE YOU, ANDREW HUSSIE.

A PARCEL MISTRESS seeks audience with royalty.

sHE SEEKS…. She seeks……audience… Oh, thank godness. PM, I knew you didn’t have it in you to kill people…..

That’s our White Queen. And the ring on her finger definitely has four spheric thingies, they should represent the four kids. Only two are illuminated because Dave and Jade have yet to enter The Medium.

A flurry of disquieting happenstance is related to the ADORED SOVEREIGN. With no other options, her counsel is all that is left to be sought.

LOOK AT HOW SHE TRUSTS HER!! SHE TRUSTS HER QUEEN WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER!! She will make everything better again and they will help Jade and John together and PM is precious and perfect and I feel bad for ever doubting her.

So… the ring gives whoever is wearing it prototyping… privileges? Or just the Queens. Because let me tell you, that is some plot relevant difference…

They are going to fake their deaths. Do they know that the White Kingdom is doomed to lose nonetheless? Also… oh, wait… inevitable conquest, they do.

By the way how does a Queen even get exiled?! There is nobody above her to do that?! Oh, the mysteries… they just keep piling up.

And abdication? Aren’t we overestimating Jack just a tiny bit? He’s not doing anything that could really endanger anyone on Prospit SO FAR. He said it himself. Nobody would be so stupid as to attempt to assassinate the white monarchs. He gives hit lists to whoever he encounter— WAIT. Is this about the package?! Is whatever is in there SO IMPORTANT that the queen herself had to abdicate for PM to get it back?! And the King will have to abdicate as well…. Does PM know what’s in there? Maybe I underestimated Jade. NEVER underestimate Jade Harley. She wouldn’t think up all those overcomplicated schemes for nothing now, would she? But does she know that her present is now in the hands of Jack?! Was that planned? Will it still get to John?! Okay, I should stop adding questions and search for answers. If Jack Noir doesn’t get some important role in this story I will eat my socks, I’m saying it now. HE’S THE PAPERWORK MAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! In the intermission he was the creator of the Exile City! He was in the lead of it all! Everyone took orders from him! And he killed people left and right! Slick and Jack are basically the same person, but Jack in the kids’ session has been a godforsaken comedy relief. Now Jack has John’s present. He could steal it? Making it get to John way later than it should? Or he could even some modifications to it, to the “final product” that John will get. I’m just saying that whatever Jack does, someone who has showed so much potential when given the occasion, even though it was in another session, can’t stay unimportant. I’m not saying he will fucking conquer the universe or something, just that he sure won’t keep playing hide and seek with the Queen as she tries to get him into pretty dresses!

The final hope for victory lies in patience and planning.

What is the White Queen even going on about. PROSPIT WILL LOSE THE WAR. That is a fact. …Don’t they know?

The WHITE KING of course can be found on the BATTLEFIELD. His CROWN may be retrieved there. 

The RING must be designated for protection. He will supply further instruction on this matter.

WAIT. WHY IS SHE GIVING UP THE RING TO THE MAIL LADY. A MAIL LADY WHO IS ABOUT TO GO BACK TO THE DARK KINGDOM!!! AND CAN’T EVEN HANDLE A SWORD!!! WHAT IF SOMEONE FIGHTS HER FOR IT?!?? Ma'am, I’m not really questioning your wise, leaderly judgment here NO WAIT I DEFINITELY AM. That is the most ill-advised move in the history of ill-advised moves!!

The royal duty has been accepted.

And in time, fullfilled.

OH, OH MY. She did it. I guess… I overreacted?! Why can’t I be as apathetic as Dave. And by that I mean why am I not able to walk all over my emotions and pretend not to care.

OH MY GOD. She just… refused the crown… WV and AR gave it to her so that she could resume her position of power but she goes “no there is someone who deserves it more than me” and… It’s PM! And look at her she’s so surprised like “me?” YES, YOU PM, YOU DESERVE IT, YOU WERE NOBLE AND BRAVE AND— So maybe you can’t say that the Queen was the wisest when it came to hatch plans but… She’s so just and humble and… Such an incredible leader… Oh, no I’m not tearing up, I’m just allergic to these kind of scenes… I need a moment…

WV AND AR DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON.

The men in this webcomic should just give up, it’s getting clearer and clearer that their role in this adventure is just to stand by and watch it unfold as the women set everything into motion.

Whenever you see rainbows, rest assured you are in Rose’s land. And actually Light and Rain are what make a rainbow! Are those… turtle shells…?

> Rose: Consult with Jaspersprite. 

THE MOMENT OF THE TRUTH.

JASPERSPRITE: Meow.

PFFFFTAHAHAHA. Rose, you done fucked up!

ROSE: Is that all you have to say? 
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr. 
ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection. 
ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic.
JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr. 
ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point. 
ROSE: This is just inane. 
JASPERSPRITE: :3 
ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat? 
ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions. 
ROSE: Assuming he hasn’t already. 

Don’t worry, he will be lenient, he is going to prototype his brother’s favorite creepy puppet after all. He will only WISH he had a dead cat to resurrect.

JASPERSPRITE: Meow. 
ROSE: What are you doing there, by the way? 
JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing! 
ROSE: Oh. So you can talk. 

HELLO?!? YOU CAN TALK!!! WELCOME BACK, JASPERS?!?! Would you look at that! He can talk!

JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think. 
JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the Denizen! 
ROSE: Who? 
JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap. 
JASPERSPRITE: No there is surely not a single living thing left! 
Oh. The fishes are not the consorts though… right?! The thought of the Denizen eating consorts kind of disturbs me….

JASPERSPRITE: Which is too bad because im pretty hungry. 
ROSE: I think there might be some tuna in the cabinets. 
JASPERSPRITE: Oh good idea i will look there! 

Aww, they are back to being domestic. Well, Rose got used to take care of cats again with Mutie.

ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared… 
ROSE: What did you mean? 

She didn’t get it? So Rose has not come into knowledge of some insight on the ones who created this game? What a shame.

JASPERSPRITE: Meow. 
ROSE: Sigh… 
JASPERSPRITE: :3 
ROSE: I don’t understand. 
ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate? 

“Meow.” is the new “HOO HOO HOO” . Unless he really just said “Meow” and Rose has just been hallucinating for all these years. I wonder what will be Cal’s technic of diversion? If it talks. Which obviously won’t. Because Lil'Cal is an inanimate object. So I won’t need to throw a tantrum when the puppet starts speaking. Which is a thing that won’t happen. Obviously. I definitely won’t go on a rant if it does. Of course.

JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up! 
ROSE: Am I asleep? 
JASPERSPRITE: Yes! 
JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the Seer of Light. 
JASPERSPRITE: And you dont know what that means but you will see its all tied together! 
JASPERSPRITE: All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make. 
JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing! 
JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song! 
JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters. 
JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible. 
JASPERSPRITE: So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain! 

I…..umh…what? I didn’t really understand anything….huh. So she will play a song. A song that she already subconsciously knows? She only has to write the letters down. And once she does, life will return on her planet? Did I get this right? She has to wake up first though. On Derse. And afterwards she will be effectively ready to play the rain/the song? Ugh, things were a lot clearer for John! …Wait, no. They weren’t. His purpose was spelled out. Not a word was said about HOW he would do it. So I guess we really have more information about Rose’s quest. Now if that information wasn’t given by a freshly come back to life young cat, maybe we would understand more….

So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible. 

Letters that make life possible, huh…. now this might be a long stretch but, a cat wouldn’t know what the word for genetic code is, right? It could probably call it “all the right words” and “all the letters that make like possible”. The four letters in the DNA alphabet – A, C, G, T - carry the instructions to make all living organisms. The meaning of the code lies in the sequence of the letters. Just like you gotta have a precise order in the notes of a song to play it correctly. Does this make sense? Or am I making a fool out of myself by saying something especially stupid… But think about it. If Rose gets a DNA code from the song she plays she could recreate the fauna on her land through ectobiology! We’ve been selecting living beings and getting codes, who says we can’t do the opposite? We’ve got an alchemiter and an ectobiologist! Although I’m not sure John would be allowed to help. This is ROSE’s quest, after all. And everyone gets their own. And also all of the equipment  to do that has been left on Earth. Well, there has gotta be some solution to that! John must do ectobiology stuff. Although he will probably fuck it up, GC said he was a disgrace in the field. But honestly, when does John not fuck things up.

ALSO SOMETHING THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A COINCIDENCE. A bunch of pages after their introductions, the kids had some interesting flashes with some even more interesting captions…

JOHN: 

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It’s the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune. 

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon’s faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all. 

“Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.” -Walt Whitman 

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive. 

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.

DAVE:

You don’t even know what’s up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won’t step off. It’s staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing ‘round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It’s meant to rain this season but there ain’t been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle. 

“So don’t change the dizzle, turn it up a little 
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles 
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle 
G’s to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo 

When the pimp’s in the crib ma 
Drop it like it’s hot 
Drop it like it’s hot 
Drop it like it’s hot…" 

-English Romantic poet, John Keats

ROSE: 

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It’s driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor’s baton. 

How you hate this season. 

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.” -American sports legend, Charles Barkley

John has Wind. Rose has Rain. And I was wrong about Dave. He has Heat. And also lava though.

DAVE’S LAND IS A GIGANTIC GEAR WITH A HEART OF LAVA. If Dave’s land is not called Land of Heat and Lava, I will just stop making predictions altogether. And it is particularly interesting how he mentioned needing rain! Well then, Rose may be just what you need! So that could mean that the kids will help each other with their quests! 

ALSO SUPER INTERESTING CONSIDERING THAT THIS IS WHAT JADE’S LAND WILL LOOK LIKE:

(And no, I did not forget about Jade, she didn’t have any weather-related flashes. I fear everything about Jade is supposed to be goddamn surprise and it’s gonna blow up in my face in a similar fashion to the "Jade’s grandpa is dead and her guardian is a omnipotent dog" revelation.)

ANYWAY what I was saying is… Take a load of this:

“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.”

Dead land. Stirring dull roots with spring rain. Now, this is not Rose’s land we are talking about. The fauna of her land is dead. Not the soil itself. HOWEVER, LOOK AT JADE’S LAND! Her island is plenty of vegetation! Yet her land is devoid of any! There is not a spot of green! Might be related to the fact that the volcano is now very active. Now what would you need to bring vegetal life back in a dead soil? Rain water. Aaand, I don’t need to add anything else. …Wait, that would mean that Rose will help both Jade and Dave. DAMMIT THIS IS CONFUSING. So maybe someone else will help Dave. John could help? With Wind?? OH MY, I just had the most beautiful revelation. Like Dave will be 24/24 crashing in John’s land because his own his too damn hot all the time while John’s is so chilly. And one day John will be like “dave, not that your presence bothers me or anything but… don’t you have a quest to complete in your own land?” “yeah dude i didn’t really get it though. calsprite is not as helpful as your resurrected grandma or anything” “…rose said you’ve just been avoiding it all this time.” “what no me and cal are so chill don’t listen to her” And that’s the story of how Dave will never complete the quest of his planet. …What was I talking about again? Oh, back to that pesterlog.

JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long. 

Jaspers! Tell us! Who killed you?! Who is the monster who would harm a young kitty?!

ROSE: Sort of. 
ROSE: It sounds like you aren’t exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won’t press you on it for now. 
ROSE: You’re a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you. 
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.

Awwww. You see Rose, it’s good to talk openly about what you feel, and get things off your chest.

Rose: Pester Jade.

JADE WAKE UP ALREADY YOU’VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR HALF OF THIS GODDAMN WEBCOMIC.

TT: I spoke with Jaspers. 
TT: I didn’t understand what he told me. 
TT: He said I’ll understand once I “wake up”. 
TT: For some reason this made me think of you. 
GG: hehehe…… 
GG: yeah i bet hes right! 
TT: We wouldn’t happen to be talking about awakening in a sort of breezy, philosophical sense, would we? 
TT: Is my dead cat concerned with my enlightenment? Should I prepare to shed this coil of ignorance and suffering? 
GG: wow no i dont think so… 
GG: hes being a bit more literal than that! 
GG: what did he say? 
TT: I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity. 
TT: It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream. 
TT: The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment. 
GG: :) 
GG: well what he meant was….. 
GG: that you have a dream self 
GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep 
GG: we all do! all four of us i mean 
GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep 
GG: because you havent woken up yet! 

Hey, you spilled the beans there, didn’t ya? Whenever you want to get a secret out of Jade Harley, just contact her while she’s napping.

TT: I think I get it. 
TT: I take it your “dream self” is wide awake when you sleep? 
GG: yes 
TT: And would I be out of line in additionally presuming this has been the case for many years, at least as long as I’ve known you? 
GG: no you would not be out of line! 
GG: in fact im asleep now 
TT: That was to be my next wild presumption. 
GG: :p 
TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too? 
GG: no only i can do that! 
GG: because of my robot 
TT: Oh, right. 
TT: I forgot about your robot. 
TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous. 
GG: you guys can probably make your own i guess…… 

I doubt it, dear. Not everyone has been homeschooled by their WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE grandpa.

GG: but you need to wake up first for it to matter and maybe by the time that happens you might not even need them!!! 

AND JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT. Oh, NO! Should my ‘ambiguos things that Jade says’ list be updated? I thought I could have left it behind definitely! Dammit, Jade!

TT: I’m not sure if necessity is a concept I’d associate with such a contraption even under some of the more obscure scenarios imaginable. 
TT: But good to know I guess. 
TT: Here’s another question, which I’m sure will look stupid once I’ve finished typing it. 
TT: If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she’s dreaming, and if she is, who’s dreaming the dream, her or me? 
GG: um……. 
GG: ok well i dont really know how to answer the second part but yeah shes dreaming! 
GG: shes most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless 
GG: about things burdening her 
GG: which is to say you!!!!! 
GG: things about who you really are and what your purpose is 
GG: but you cant start figuring those things out yet because youre not awake because youre not ready yet 
GG: thats why you have such terrible dreams all the time rose! 
TT: Ok. How do I wake up? 
GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious 
GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet? 

Jade, she just had a heartfelt reunion with her dead cat. For Rose Lalonde that is enough facing issues for a lifetime. If you want her to admit that she writes wizard fanfictions on AO3, I fear you will have to wait a few years. If you want her to work out her issues with MOM, come back in a few decades.

GG: i dunno! its for you to find out 
GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue? 
TT: What stuff? 
GG: the…. 
GG: er 
GG: didnt dave tell you? 
TT: Tell me what? 
GG: ._. 
TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room? 
TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings? 
TT: Like John? 
TT: I really hope that’s not what you’re saying. 
TT: It might freak me out. 

WHAT. ROSE TOO?!?!? Looking forward to Jaspers and wizards and tiny hearts scribbled all over the walls. A big “R. L. <3 WIZARDS" graffiti occupies a whole wall.

GG: he said he was going to tell you <_<; 
TT: Hold on.

I hope you two were legitimately concerned about her and not making fun of the girl! Then again Dave is in no position to make fun of everyone since he probably wrote a whole novel on the walls of his bedroom considering how fucked up the poor kid is.

TT: Strider. 
TT: I need you to do me a favor. 
TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file? 
TT: For no reason in particular?

Afraid Dave is still on the roof trying to hatch that egg… Or he gave up and is trying to recuperate the microwave Jade threw away. Either way he is bus—  WAIT WAIT FUCK FUCK FUCK WAIT FUCK

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! FOU MINUTES OH MY GOD DAVE WHERE ARE YOU OH MY GOD WHY IS JADE SLEEPING WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ASLEEP RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT

JADE WHY ARE YOU SLEEPINF DOES THDS SEEM LIKE THE MOMENT TO SLEEP YOU ARE HIS SEVEDR PLAYER DAMMIT AAAAAHHHH

*SMASHES WALL* THAT. IS. ADORABLE.

GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep! 
TT: Can you do it anyway? 
GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :( 
TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls? 
TT: Wait. 
TT: What?

HE LET HER SLEEP DAVE YOU GODDAMN IDIOT YOU SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS ALONEEEEE

THE EGG IS STILL THERE METEOR IS IN SIGHT DAVE IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN

GODDAMMIT DAVE!!!!! DAVE JUST PULLED A LALONDE. He lalonded so bad. 

to lalonde: the act of forgetting that you aren’t the only one person in the universe and that you are able to ask for help whenever you deem it necessary. It is unclear why people seem to be inclined to embrace this behavior especially right before a metEOR IS A COUPLE OF MINUTES AWAY FROM ERASING THEM OUT OF FUCKING EXISTENCE. 

> John: Await further instruction. 

WHAT KIND OF CRUEL POV SWITCH IS THIS

And I really have to stop reading now. The cruel POV switches won’t ever stop. That is because the author of this webcomic evidently enjoys his readers’ suffering. :(

On the subject of audio reactions.

Okay, so some people requested an audio react for Dave: Accelerate, and a couple of you even asked for a few pages after it! I wanted to know what you guys think I should do. I’ll admit that the whole audio reacting thing makes me kinda uncomfortable but I do want to try to see how it goes! Before telling me if you would rather have a written reaction or an audio one, consider this: it would be only audio (video size limitation on tumblr is 100 mb and I’m not creating a YouTube channel when I don’t even know if I will do it again!), there will be a transcript together with screenshots, and also as I have already said english is not my first language and so my pronunciation skills are… kinda shitty?? you would still have the transcript to read as I ramble off though. So yeah, let me know what you think about this! :)

On the subject of audio reactions.

iamreadinghs:

Okay, so some people requested an audio react for Dave: Accelerate, and a couple of you even asked for a few pages after it! I wanted to know what you guys think I should do. I’ll admit that the whole audio reacting thing makes me kinda uncomfortable but I do want to try to see how it goes! Before telling me if you would rather have a written reaction or an audio one, consider this: it would be only audio (video size limitation on tumblr is 100 mb and I’m not creating a YouTube channel when I don’t even know if I will do it again!), there will be a transcript together with screenshots, and also as I have already said english is not my first language and so my pronunciation skills are… kinda shitty?? you would still have the transcript to read as I ramble off though. So yeah, let me know what you think about this! :)

LIVEBLOGGING STATUS UPDATE!!

HERE I AM! I am looking at the fourth wall!! Like how much more meta can we even get?! :D Anyway, what I meant to do was informing you about my audio-react shenanigans. I opted for an audio react for Jack: Ascend instead of one for Dave: Accelerate. Well, I didn’t exactly “opt” for it. It was kind of forced because I must have messed up with some settings and basically during the latter the music is really loud even though I set the volume very low and you can’t hear what I’m saying. Not that you would have lost much. It was just me laughing at Calsprite. …For about three minutes. Non-stop. 

ANYWAY. I want to know if you want the audio reaction for Jack: Ascend or just a transcript. Because it’s just me screaming HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT over and over and progressively louder. I’m not kidding. That’s all I say. I meant scream. That’s all I scream. During the flash. (I reached octaves I did not know I could reach. I’m not even sure the human ear can listen to it. Maybe dolphins can. I doubt there are dolphins reading my liveblog.) Then I make some considerations before and after. But during the thing… That’s all I do. If you want me to upload it anyway I take no responsibilities for your poor poor ears. I just freaked out a tiny little bit. 

I don’t want to stop at Jack: Ascend for the next update though. Wanna liveblog at least another… 20-30 pages?? I’ve been kind of really busy this weekend. Between studying for tests and crying about John and Jade’s death. You know, things like that. And probably too much time spent watching anime. (GIVE PSYCHO-PASS A TRY, IT’S SO GOOD.) …Putting things in parenthesis doesn’t really make sense if you write in all caps into them, does it now? Okay, that’s all I wanted to say, have a nice day y’all!

On the subject of audio reactions.

iamreadinghs:

iamreadinghs:

Okay, so some people requested an audio react for Dave: Accelerate, and a couple of you even asked for a few pages after it! I wanted to know what you guys think I should do. I’ll admit that the whole audio reacting thing makes me kinda uncomfortable but I do want to try to see how it goes! Before telling me if you would rather have a written reaction or an audio one, consider this: it would be only audio (video size limitation on tumblr is 100 mb and I’m not creating a YouTube channel when I don’t even know if I will do it again!), there will be a transcript together with screenshots, and also as I have already said english is not my first language and so my pronunciation skills are… kinda shitty?? you would still have the transcript to read as I ramble off though. So yeah, let me know what you think about this! :)

LIVEBLOGGING STATUS UPDATE!!

HERE I AM! I am looking at the fourth wall!! Like how much more meta can we even get?! :D Anyway, what I meant to do was informing you about my audio-react shenanigans. I opted for an audio react for Jack: Ascend instead of one for Dave: Accelerate. Well, I didn’t exactly “opt” for it. It was kind of forced because I must have messed up with some settings and basically during the latter the music is really loud even though I set the volume very low and you can’t hear what I’m saying. Not that you would have lost much. It was just me laughing at Calsprite. …For about three minutes. Non-stop. 

ANYWAY. I want to know if you want the audio reaction for Jack: Ascend or just a transcript. Because it’s just me screaming HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT over and over and progressively louder. I’m not kidding. That’s all I say. I meant scream. That’s all I scream. During the flash. (I reached octaves I did not know I could reach. I’m not even sure the human ear can listen to it. Maybe dolphins can. I doubt there are dolphins reading my liveblog.) Then I make some considerations before and after. But during the thing… That’s all I do. If you want me to upload it anyway I take no responsibilities for your poor poor ears. I just freaked out a tiny little bit. 

I don’t want to stop at Jack: Ascend for the next update though. Wanna liveblog at least another… 20-30 pages?? I’ve been kind of really busy this weekend. Between studying for tests and crying about John and Jade’s death. You know, things like that. And probably too much time spent watching anime. (GIVE PSYCHO-PASS A TRY, IT’S SO GOOD.) …Putting things in parenthesis doesn’t really make sense if you write in all caps into them, does it now? Okay, that’s all I wanted to say, have a nice day y’all!

Okay, now I know this is getting a little petulant but I have to talk about this again. And clarify what I mean when I say I’m doing an audio reaction for a certain flash. Because honestly I am in a position in which I don’t know what to do. Some people have been asking for audio reactions for about two months. But it has come up that some people don’t want audio-reactions at all. And obviously people have different opinions about the matter but I want to say some things about the reasons they don’t want an audio react.

Basically everyone who would rather have a written reaction have given this as their motivation. Not that you actually had to give any motivation for preferring one or the other. Now what is an audio react? It is a real time reaction to the events occurring on the screen. You say I can speak intelligently, and I thank you, but I’ve never put thoughts first into what I write when reacting to flashes. Because I was trying to give a feeling of what was going through my mind AS I WATCHED. Some exemples:

From the Intermission. This is not me reflecting on the events. This is me flipping my shit over something happening.

From the Jade on Prospit flash. This is not me thinking about what to say, not me thinking stuff through. I would have said more or less the same things if I had made an audio react! Heck, if I posted a written reaction for Jack: Ascend (a written reaction, not a transcript, written like I’ve always done) the “HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT” would be what you are going to get! In big fat letters! Probably bold too! As always I rewatch the flash several times while I take screenshots and just to be sure that I got everything AFTER. And AFTER several screenshots and lots of OH MY GOD OH CRAP in all caps, I make my considerations. Seriously, that’s what I’ve always been doing. I reflect on everything that has happened in the flash AFTER. 

Me making an audio react does not mean that I will scream as I watch the flash and never speak of it ever again. You’re not losing part of the experience. I just wanted to make this clear. 

Who let Casey stand on the alchemiter. What kind of father are you, John. Completely neglecting your salamander child’s safety. Shame on you.

No, she really means “big piece of junk” as there is no better way to call that thing. I had completely forgotten about it. It’s the one with the random dsfhgdjh code, right??

How the heck could you ever make Dave Strider cooperative?? …You called him cool, didn’t you?

Aaaahhhh, this is totally not fair! Like, I know she is definitely up to no good but. I really like her?? And her bantering with John?? Dang it.

Of course John’s liking of hackers is only due to the way in which those people are portrayed by the medias as these incredibly cool and badasses dudes. A view I do not share and by which I’m not infuenced by. Not at all. Definitely not. I do not in fact secretly gush about those very cool and badass dudes. I do not hide any sort of weakness for those kind of characters. Not at all. Definitely. Not. …What are you still doing here, can’t you leave a girl slowy working through her denial in peace?? Geez, just move on.

HOO HOO HOO, so we have someone who is pretty full of himself, huh? But seriously, John. Did CG sound like an hacker to you? Like… he is the one who is sadistic enough to do the trolling backward thing. He is obviously not that smart. Plus people who are always that angry shouldn’t get any near a computer, they would end up smashing it to pieces with an hammer. (or just with sheer will power and angry fists, like yours truly)

GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R 
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU 
GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S 
GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3 
EB: uh, ok. 
EB: brb then.

And as always she just knows what everyone will do in the end. I wonder if it is just sixth sense or she knows through other means, if you get my drift…. mmmmhhh. Because, you know, the irony of having the blind one be the Seer would be almost too much to handle. Mmmmhhh. Okay, I will stop humming and move on. Oh BUT WAIT. Didn’t she say she felt similar to our Rose?? And the both of them being Seers would also explain how they were able to hear their exiles better than the others?? Okay, why didn’t I catch up on this sooner?? Oh, well.

GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R 
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU 
GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S 
GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3 
EB: uh, ok. 
EB: brb then.

And as always she just knows what everyone will do in the end. I wonder if it is just sixth sense or she knows through other means, if you get my drift…. mmmmhhh. Because, you know, the irony of having the blind one be the Seer would be almost too much to handle. Mmmmhhh. Okay, I will stop humming and move on. Oh BUT WAIT. Didn’t she say she felt similar to our Rose?? And the both of them being Seers would also explain how they were able to hear their exiles better than the others?? Okay, why didn’t I catch up on this sooner?? Oh, well.

EB: ok here… 
EB: dskjhsdk 
GC: TH4NKS 
GC: W41T 
GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS 
GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN >:? 
EB: um, no. 
EB: they sort of are random. 
EB: but it’s the right code, i promise! 
GC: OH 
GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND 
GC: PCHOOOOO

OH MY GOD. PCHOOO?? REALLY?! If you told me I would have encountered a character dorkier than John while reading this webcomic I wouldn’t have believed you. But it is happening. Right here. Under my very eyes. It’s incredible.

John. Your adopted daughter seems to be in need of some assistance. John, turn around. Your Casey is kind of in death peril back there JOHN I SHALL CALL THE SALAMANDER CHILD SERVICES ON YOU AND GET THE POOR THING BACK TO HER MOTHER.

EB: hello? 
GC: WH4T 
EB: it thought you said you’d be back in less than a second? 
GC: 1 W4S 
GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3 
GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO 

This is ridiculously hilarious to me for some reason.

GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT 
GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3 
GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T??? 
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 >:[ 

INCONSIDERATE is sending him to fight his Denizen with nothing but his wrinkle-fucker!! INCONSIDERATE is trying to mess with the timeline just because you’re bored!!! INCONSIDERATE(LY ANGRY) is what I will be if John just as much as gets a scratch during this insane mission!!!

EB: oh… 
EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code… 
EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno. 
EB: because you’re kind of goofy. 

John Egbert just called you goofy. JOHN EGBERT. That’s an effing accomplishment. It’s like Jade calling you too happy-go-lucky, or Dave calling you stoic, or Rose calling you too wordy.

GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF 
GC: W3LCOM3 
GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!!! 

GC and CG really are original when it comes to ridiculous insults. I wonder if they come up with them during their candle light hate dates, or they just have brainstorming sessions together.

EB: oh gosh, i’m sooooo sorry! 
EB: this is just a stupid code, i’m sorry. 

Awww, John is apologizing profusely because he made the creepy troll girl upset. Wait, why is he apologizing. Isn’t this the same girl who nonchalantly described in detail the way she would murder him in an earlier pesterlog?! WAIT, SHE SAID SHE WOULD MURDER HIM, WHY ARE WE FOLLOWING HER INSTRUCTIONS AT ALL. JOHN, EXPLAIN. 

EB: are you sure it’s right, it seems kind of… 
EB: obvious. 
GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT 
GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS 

Wow, GC really got all worked up about this. Did John offend her or something?! Because he is questioning the hacker guy’s skills?? …Or is she just fucking with him? Yeah, that’s probably it.

Why do I even bother making assumption with this one troll.

EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh! 
GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS 

GC, you don’t need to be an alien to be unfazed by his bluhs. Literally no one is affected by those. We just don’t know why he keeps typing those little words. We suspect it is to lure enemies into trusting him by making them think he is charmingly adorkable. We also know a plan of that kind would be far over his standards and therefore he is just a plain out adorable dork.

GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3????? 
EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. 
EB: it was because shut up. 
EB: shut up is why. 
GC: >:D 
EB: i guess i’ll make this rocket now. 
EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick. 
GC: OK JOHN 
GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO 
GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 >:] 

Underdeveloped… bone nook?? What. Is that the skull. Troll anatomy confuses me. AND OTHER SIDE. OH BOY. WE’RE REALLY DOING THIS. HE IS GOING TO FLY TO THAT GATE.

> John: Answer Dave. 

DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING I BELIEVE THERE ARE EGGS REQUIRING YOUR ASSISTANCE RIGHT NOW AND IT KIND OF IS A MATTER OF SURVIVAL

TG: ok im in 
EB: in where? 
TG: the medium 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT???? What is this bullshit??? He is already in??? No Enter flash?? Just like that?? Where is his Enter flash. It was going to be ridiculously overdramatic, reach levels of irony never witnessed before, have Cal just flashing on the screen at random moments and an incredibly cool music accompanying it WHERE IS THE DAVE: ENTER FLASH.

EB: oh, already? 
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours 
EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff. 

Yup. Time sure flies while you’re bending the laws of physic, resurrecting dead grandmas and illegally adopting salamanders, doesn’t it?

EB: how did it go? 
EB: with you and jade i guess? 

Oooooh, boy. Take the worst you can imagine, multiply it by infinity, take it to the depths of forever, and you would still only have a glimpse of what really went down in those four hours.

TG: i dont want to talk about it 
TG: imagine the worst day of my life 
TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech 
TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down 
EB: ew dog! ewwww! 
TG: yeah 
EB: so nasty! gross dude!!! 
TG: stfu 

My metaphore was way classier and didn’t involve anyone with their pants down. And when will Dave stop being so cranky???? It all started when Jade told him she was going to get him into the game and it went downhill from there. When will he stop being like this. When will Dave return from puppet hell.

EB: i’m in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space. 
TG: ok 

Does anything even faze Dave? Like I know his home life was a train wreck and that he probably witnessed all kinds of weirdass things every day while living with BRO……… No, okay. He’s completely justifiable. Why should anything ever faze him. He’s probably seen things we can only imagine. People blasting  off into space are nothing.

EB: it should be sweet. 
TG: i need some advice 
TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it 
TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole 
TG: with a sword in it 
TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again 
TG: not sure what to do 

I’d say do anything you want as long as you don’t prototype Lil'Cal but we all know that is inevitably going to happen so… We will just gotta get used to the horror.

EB: hmm… 
EB: have you asked rose? 
TG: shes asleep for some reason 
EB: wow, really? 
TG: yeah i saw her there 
TG: all tuckered out 
TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander 
TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now 
TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest 

Rose was really eager to see Derse! Well, actually Dave is the only one we haven’t seen sleeping. John took a nap just as two giants imps decided to sneak up on him because he has the best timing ever, Jade has been sleeping for the 70% of her screentime, Rose is catching some zzzs just as the boys speak… the only one left is Dave. I wonder if he will take off his shad— pffftahahahaha. yeah, right. no. B’-)

TG: anyway what do you think 
EB: i don’t really know, i mean… 
EB: it’s supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something. 
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i’m not sure what to tell you! 

John. Oh, John. Sweet, naive, dumb John. Relatives don’t have to be dead to be prototyped! They just have to be willing and crazy enough…. crazy relatives, huh…. where did BRO run off to again… Kidding, kidding. I actually think even Cal would be a better candidate.

TG: ok fine but 
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here 
TG: and 
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion 
EB: i don’t know, just do what it says! 

John, NO. He will hate you for letting him do it. Well, Calsprite is finally confirmed for good. Not that anyone was doubting it. Where did BRO even get that thing anyway?! I think Cal is like those weird China dolls. You know the ones you find abandoned on the side of the road and look harmless enough that you bring them home?? And then all kind of weird supernatural things start happening?? And you find the doll in places pretty far from where you left it?? Staring up at you from the end of dark, creepy hallways, with shiny, soulless eyes. And what the fuck you swear you saw it blinking once and you dream of it whispering to you in the language of the dead in your sleep, a language that you somehow understand and perhaps… perhaps it’s not a dream. And you start slowly slipping out of your mind, you try to get rid of it, you try so many times, but in the end it always shows up on your doorstep. Grinning, smiling, mocking you. And that’s the story of how BRO lost it. This is a 100% canon fact, of course.

EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do… 
EB: i gotta go! 
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate. 
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess. 
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there 

YESSS?!?!?? You might want to… you know… try and talk some sense into him…?? “dude don’t fly to the seventh gate that sounds really fucking dumb”. …something like that. :(

TG: but alright later 
EB: later.

DAVE STRIDER, YOU DIGRACE. Well, I guess they’re even now. John will let him prototype the puppet and Dave will let John blast off to his denizen’s palace. This is just great.

This is absolutely no place for children. You take dear, sweet CASEY into protective custody.

YOU FINALLY FUCKING NOTICED. Wait, are we totally sure that living beings can be stored in there…? Can she even breathe joHN WHAT THE HELL.

Oh. Oh my God. We are really doing this. Oh dear. I thought he would back out at the last moment but… Oh, dear.

FROG GODS, PLEASE PROTECT HIM!! FOR HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING!!

Nerdy PCHOOOOs aside, he actually looks kind of competent here. Maybe he can make it out of his denizen’s palace by squatting around and screaming “why did i think this was a good idea!!!” as the monster chases him. A big scare for everyone, and for John some bruises, a change of pants in order, and an important lesson learned: never trust the troll with the psychotic laugh. Maybe his denizen will take pity on him. I mean… he will show up branding literally two irons attached to a wood stick. The Denizen will take one look at him, direct him toward the exit and be like “only return when you’re really ready to fight, kiddo. also when you work up the courage to show your face again bring me some of those delicious fluorescient mushrooms that grow on the east side of my land”… Yes, this can and will totally happen. But seriously, John should thank God that Plot Armor is a thing that exists and Jade has yet to enter this godforsaken game, otherwise he would be SO DONE FOR. Of course something horrible will happen nonetheless, just not that horrible. I think the gist of John’s character arc will just be really bad things to him until he gets to the point in which he would rather stab his toe than say that Sburb is “just this game” ever again. So really, I’m gonna suffer along with him, I’m resigned. 

AND OF COURSE THERE IS A POV SWITCH. OF FUCKING COURSE. At least I will get to see his Land. Even though this is no Enter flash. …Or maybe it is?? It wouldn’t be the first time we saw a flash with things that have already happened in the reader’s perspective. Even so it would definitely have been called Dave: Enter… so no Enter Flash.

Red spyrographs for Dave.

Wait. GATE 5??

LAND OF HEAT AND CLOCKWORK. Makes sense!

Here he is! In all his ironic glory!

WHOAH! Cool …suit… cool …everything he has that I’ve never seen him alchemize??

LET THE FLASH STEPPING BEGIN

WELL HE LOOKS AT ME

AND I LOOK AT HIM

AND HE LOOKS AT ME

AND I LOOK AT H—

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HOLY SAINTS HE DID IT

PFFFFFFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY GODS THIS IS HORRIFIC

OH MY GOD OH MY OG OH MY GDO

Are those his turntables??

I understand flash stepping but this his pure BULLSHIT.

THAT HUGE ASS MONSTER IS SCARED OF DAVE

Cal, you totally ruined Dave’s personal Moment Of Cool. He even did the shiny glasses thing. That is a ign that you must not interrupt him. ……..I don’t even know which face is best between the two of them.

Well, it looks like we jumped ahead a bit. I don’t know how much exactly but considering that John took like… what? a couple of hours to reach his first gate… But taking into account the fact that Dave is way better at fighting… No, I still have no idea.

> Dave: Consult with Calsprite.

……Please no. I don’t want this. I’m going to just… skip this page. I can’t do this. WHAT IF IT REALLY TALKS. No, I refuse. Nope. I don’t want this. I’ve been dreading this moment. Ugh. Alright, here it goes *takes deep breath*

…………………………………….I’m gonna click.

CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 
DAVE: shut up 
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE 
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO 

HOLY SHIT HOLY CRAP HOLY DAMN H— OH WAIT. It’s just laughing?? This doen’t really classify as talking. …Oh. This is wonderful. I feel like I have been blessed. I can hear choirs of frog angels sing. Cal doesn’t talk. It doesn’t. Because it’s a puppet. Puppets are non-sentient. Why was I even worrying. What did I fucking expect. I’ve been worrying about this for like two weeks. I feel really dumb right now. Dumb but wonderfully relieved.

CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 
DAVE: shut up 
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE 
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO 
DAVE: no 
DAVE: just 
DAVE: god damn it 
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA 
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE 
DAVE: please 
DAVE: just once 
DAVE: shut the hell up 
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO 
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA 
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA 
DAVE: shut up 
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA 
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE 
DAVE: shut 
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 
DAVE: the 
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 
DAVE: fuck 
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 
DAVE: up 
CALSPRITE: 

It just laughs creepily?? Dave, at least it doesn’t talk. What kind of laugh is that even. What is it, the uploaded version of Nanna’s with now 75% more vocals besides oo’s?? No, wait. HUU HUU HUU is missing.

I… I survived it. The Dave and Cal pesterlog. Look, we’re moving on. Pestering Rose. And I’m still here. Wow.

Cool Apple Shades. Wonder when he made them. I SURE DIDN’T SEE HIM.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] – 

TG: thats it i cant take it anymore 

PPFFFFFFFFTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Daaaaaveee, c'mon. You’ve been in The Medium for how much time?? Hours? You can’t be already done with it.

TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass 
TG: im going back 

NOW he realizes it. He’s going back?? To where?? I seriously doubt you can get back to Earth.

TT: Already? 
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????? FOUR MONTHS??? WHAT???? WHAT THE HELL???? DID WE JUMP AHEAD OF FOUR FUCKING MONTHS??? WHY???? WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT.

TG: or something 
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping 

Time hopping?? Does that mean that he has his powers now?? 

TT: It just sounds like you’re making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet. 

Rose, you don’t know what he is going through. You’ve got your nice now non-decesead cat.

TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back. 
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes. 

Does she mean back in time?? And what mistakes?? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

TG: what else is there to know 
TG: we lost 

?????????????

• ????????????
• ????????????
• ??????????????

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY THIS GAME HASN’T EVEN BEGAN HOW CAN YOU EVEN LOSE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHAT THE SHIT DOES “WE LOST” EVEN MEAN

TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch 

wAHT. NO. NONONONON NONON NO NO NO PLEASE NO WHAT NO NONONO NOOOO???? NO. THEY CNA’T BE DEAD WHAT IS THIS NO NOPE NO 

TT: We don’t know Jade is dead for sure.

NO JADE NOOOO IF JOHN IIS DEAD SHE IS TOO NOOOOOOOO NOT JAAAADEEEEE EVERYONE BUT JADE THIS IS WORNG NO NOPE NO NO NO

TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again 

NOOOOOOOO!!! NO NO!!!!! JADE CN’T BE DEAD. SHE CAN’T SHE HAS WAITED YEARS TO PLAY SHE WASNT WAITING FOR HER DEATH YOU CAN’T STEAL FROM HER A FUTURE SHE HAD ALREADY SEEN THIS IS CRUEL IT’S WRONG STOP IT

TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again 
TG: or the trolls for that matter 
TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen 
TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us 
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective 
TG: only thing left to do is change all that 

HE’S GOING TO GO BACK IN TIME BECAUSE JOHN AND JADE DIED HE WILL FIX IT HE WILL FIX EVERYTHING DAVE WILL FIX IT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY AGAIN I WISH I UNDERSTOOD THAT BEFORE CRYING ABOUT JADE BUT IT'OAKY IT’S OKAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAH. GIMME A MOMENT I NEED TO CALM DOWN.

……………..Ooookay. We will fix it. Everything  will be daijobu. All according to keikaku.

TT: Are you sure you’re ready? 
TT: You’ll remember the plan we discussed? 
TG: theres not much to remember 
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge 
TG: i dont know what he was thinking 
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet 
TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear 
TT: It still seems hasty to me. 
TT: Maybe I’m just not as comfortable with time travel as you. 
TG: nah itll be fine dont worry 

Says you, the time player with four months of experience. 

TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me? 
TT: Will I just cease to exist? 

WHAT????!!! NOOOO!!!! I THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING!!!!!!! NO!!!!!

TG: i dont know 
TG: i mean your whole timeline will 
TG: maybe 
TT: Maybe? 
TT: Is there a chance it’ll continue to exist, and I’ll just be here alone forever? 
TT: I’m not sure which outcome is more unsettling. 

OH MY GOD ROSE. ROSE NO. WHY. WHY ALL THIS. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE.

TG: the thing with time travel is 
TG: you cant overthink it 
TG: just roll with it and see what happens 
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded 

Of course he says that. He’s not the one that will be left behind and disappear.

TT: What do you think I should do? 
TG: try going to sleep 
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think 
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen 
TT: Ok. 
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through 

Fuss?? Maybe… maybe she will find a way to survive???

TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word “self” and still understand what we’re talking about. 
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem 
TG: anything else is gravy 

ROSE THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES. I don’t think that Dave has really understood what could happen to Rose really soon. She may want a word of comfort. You know, an “everything will be fine” EVEN IF THAT’S NOT TRUE WHO CARES. She probably tried to postpone his leave. But she knew that eventually this moment was coming…. oooh, boy, I can’t do this….

TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I’ll be the one to visit you first this time. 
TT: I’ll fly by and remind you you’re already awake and don’t know it. 

Dave has always been awake??? What the heck. Did he think that Derse was a dream or something. How could he not have realized it.

TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess 
TG: im gonna go now 
TT: Good luck.

Rose, I’m sorry that Dave has the emotional IQ of a shoelace, I’m so sorry. He just leaves like that. “im gonna go now”. His parting words. Wow.

Dave: Reverse.

Dave looks kind of constipated. I understand that this is a really shitty situation but still, what kind of face is that.

OH NO. FUCK THIS. He’s already in the game??!?! I want his enter flash!! I don’t even know what he did with that egg! I don’t even know if Bro came back soon enough on his hoverboard to enter The Medium with him! What the hell! I WANT A DAVE: ENTER FLASH. 

EB: i gotta go! 
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate. 
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess. 
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there 
TG: but alright later 
EB: later.

This was their last conversation… before John died. Can you imagine how fucking much Dave regretted not stopping him? Oh, dear.

All caps in Dave’s language means “shit is going/about to go down”

Yeah, no big deal. Nothing exceptionally weird or out of the ordinary. Considering that you don’t even know you will be able to time travel. CONSIDERING THAT HE DIDN'T— OOOOOHHH. OH NO. When John died Dave didn’t even know he would have been able to fix things… oh, boy…..

TG: i just appeared 
TG: from the future 
TG: wearing a rad suit 
TG: he says dont go 
TG: or youre gonna die 
EB: pfffff. 
EB: lame. 
EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?

The same gullible stooge who listened to the words of a creepy troll girl!!! who had already made threats on your life before!!! who went on a suicide mission!!! and blasted into space on a rocket!!! without even a second thought!!!

John, you ungrateful goof, you look way too pissed given the fact that we are trying to save your nerdy, sorry butt.

TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to 

Sometimes I say the exact same thing just before Dave says it and it honestly weirds me out. 

EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank. 
EB: but 13 days too late. 
EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER. 

Now that I think about it… What kind of hell do you think the Egbert household is on April Fools. I bet authorities make the whole neighborhood evacuate. To reduce the numbers of victims of John and DAD at the minimum. And there are like explosions. And hundreds of ufo sightings that only turn out to be baked goods that were shot so high they took orbit. Yes, shot. Last year 2 dead and 7 wounded. 

…Yes, it is that time of the night again, why were you wondering??

TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now 
EB: if future you is real, then why don’t you let me talk to him. 

JOHN THEY ARE LITERALLY THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. Only Future!Dave is obviously really angsty and 45% more of a prick, but only because he probably feels so guilty and miserable about what happened that even Lil'Cal Satan would feel sorry for him. Like this boy must have so many issues accumulating after the last four months that he would make psychologist around the word give up their careers and degrees.

TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god 
TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing 
EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me. 

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] – 

DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. THE BOTH OF YOU. FUTURE AND PAST. YOUR DUMBASSERY IS A TEMPORAL CONSTANT NO MATTER THE UNIVERSE NOR THE TIMELINE.

TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit 
TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave 

Oh. Oh, boy. He dropped the friendship card. He really must not know what else to do.

TG: this is future dave by the way 
EB: hahaha! 
EB: wow, you’re really pulling out all the stops for this stunt! 
EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me. 
EB: you’re kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don’t know why you’re bothering with this. 
TG: yeah exactly why would i bother 
TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine 
TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person 
EB: you can’t track down through time WHAT YOU CAN’T CATCH! 
EB: pchoooooo! 

OH MY FUCKING GOD JOHN EGBERT KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GODDAMN GROUND OR SO HELP ME I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE THAT EAGER TO GO AND DIE

TG: oh god did you just blast off 
EB: no… 
EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then. 
TG: ok well just dont ok 
TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave 
TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time 
TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake 
EB: ok, i guess…

Y-You guess??? Dave, go over to wind land and physically restrain him please. And I guess Dave is staying. Well, of course he will, where else would he go? His timeline disappeared along with his version of the other kids. …I can’t handle two Daves.

WHAT THE FUCK WTF THE FUCK NOOOO NONONONO!!!!!!!!! Dave!!!! Waht are yuo thinking!!!! This is an horrible decision!!!! …Oh, my God. He just degraded himself to a mere game mechanic!! A game mechanic!! A sprite!! Jaspers is a sprite. Not one of the fucking protagonists. Not a kid. Nope. Sprites get irrelevant really fast. John already doesn’t need Nanna anymore. Rose has already dismissed her cat. As soon as Dave goes through the First Gate Dave will be left behind— OH. OH NO NO. I will have to call him Davesprite?? He’s not just a fucking sprite. He is just a kid who had the misfortune to be the one who had to make the trip back in time and see his friends dying instead of being the Dave just waiting for a different version of him to show up and make everything right again! He shouldn’t be a sprite. He is Dave.

This is going to be weird.

DAVE: hey 
DAVESPRITE: sup

Or they could keep being ridiculous. Of course. The Dave Strider Policy.

WHAYGUSHIUOHJOAJALDJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING!!!!!!!!!! JOHN THERE WILL BE NO DAVES IN RAD SUITS AND TIME-TRAVELLING TURN TABLES TO SAVE YOUR ASS IF YOU DIE AGAIN!!!! SOMEONE STOP HIM PLEASE!!!!!!

Rose: Prepare for nap.

You bundle up your knittings into a cozy nest. You aren’t all that tired though. It’s hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley’s narcolepsy.

Rose, don’t say that. Jade’s narcolepsy will get her in big big troubles some day. 

> Future Dream Rose: Cease to exist. 

….noooooooooo,,,whyyy, nonono, why i’m so sorry why this…………..

rooooooooooooooooose noooooooooooooo i can’t do this i can’t oh god why

rose did not deserve this she didn’t nobody did oh my god she didn’t even blink to the prospect of ceasing to exist she is so brave rose i’m so proud of you and i’m so sorry please no more bad timelines no more oh fuck i’m gonna cry here come the tears nope nope nope *takes big big breath*

…She merged with current Rose. A part of her will keep existing in our Rose. She will get her knowledge but perhaps her memories too. Dave doesn’t deserve to be the only one who has seen what would have happened if things went awry. That timeline shouldn’t have existed in the first place. 

Davesprite: Troll GC.

OH MY FUCK THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT. YOU COME INTO THIS TIMELINE. AND DARE SHOWING YOUR FUCKING FACE. YOU DARE TALKING TO DAVE. TO DAVE. FUTURE DAVE. OR ANYONE IN GENERAL. I NEED AT LEAST TWO ACTS TO FULLY DIGEST THIS, THEN YOU CAN MAYBE SAY A WORD AGAIN.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] – 

Dave contacted her…? What?

TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus 
TG: your plan didnt work 
TG: i mean it did 
TG: but then suddenly it didnt 
TG: so you might as well quit trying 
GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S 

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH OH MY GOOOOOOODDDD IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY????? SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE THEN.

TG: what 
TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles 
GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S 
GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH 

Agree— WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DAVE. CONVERSATING????

TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work 
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK 
GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3 
GC: YOUR FUTUR3 
GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D 
GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M 
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF 

B-but…. not this Dave’s future…. Dave’s future was awful. I mean Davesprite’s future. She doesn’t get it, does she? It was all a game to her. A pastime. In which she caused the death of three kids.

TG: i dont think youre following 
TG: you DID kill him sort of 
TG: then i went back in time to stop him 
GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N 

YOU GUESSED. WELL GUESS THIS SHIT, GC; You created a timeline in which John showed up to his Denizen’s palace and found the thing awake. He probably realized he wasn’t going to make it. A thirteen y/o child realizing he was going to die and there would be no escaping it. Jade never entered her session. Jade had been waiting for this day for years. Ironically enough, she was waiting for the day she would have died. Rose had to accept the fact the one day Dave would have had to come back and she would have ceased to exist. You created this all. Congratulations.

TG: alright but 
TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave 
TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline 
TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along 
TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing 
TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now 
TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently 
GC: OH 
GC: NO >:[ 
GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T 

They tried to change it actually, but it was “set in stone”. Can’t change what has already happened. At least not in the very same timeline that will lead to whatever they will do. And we got confirmation that the trolls are in trouble because of something the humans did. But the trolls caused it in the first place. Wow, someone let CG know about this so he stops bitching about it with Jade?? Jokes on him, he did it all by himself. I mean… he caused… whatever trouble they’re in now. This is getting confusing really fast.

TG: yeah 
TG: see 
TG: none of you ever thinks anything through 
TG: whos in charge of timeline management there 
TG: i gotta give him the business 
GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 
GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 
GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS 
GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T >:| 

SHE IS THE MAID OF TIME, ISN’T SHE??? Who else would be in charge of timeline management?! So she isn’t really on board with this trolling business. Maybe she is …LE GASP!! ACTUALLY SMART??? :-O

TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others 
TG: like that awful rapper 

How does killing people qualify as competent???? Plus, GA is great, shut up. And AT is…umh… well GIVE HIM SOME TIME HE IS NEW TO THAT RAPPING STUFF.

GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D? 
TG: yeah 
TG: im telling you 
TG: huge pushover 
TG: he will do what you say 
TG: unless it happens to be for his own good 
TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure 

Readily taking orders from whoever gives enough fucks to boss him around but utterly refusing to follow his best friend’s advise even in the prospect of possible death: ~ OnlyJohnEgbertThings ~

GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D 
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M 
GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3 
GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT >:?

STOP BEING ALL OVERLY FRIENDLY AND ACCOMMODATING 

TG: yeah thats fine i guess 
TG: no more coy bullshit antics though 
TG: not even like 
TG: an idiotic angry winking emote 
GC: OR WH4T 
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO 
GC: >;] 

WHAT THE FUCK. This girl knows no limit nor decency. IS SHE FUCKING FLIRTING WITH HIM?? Time travel or not, she did kill off indirectly everyone but Dave. That’s some fucking courage that you must have to show up and flirt with him.

TG: yeah 
GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU 
GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3 
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK 
TG: ok even if thats true 
TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers 
GC: UGH 
GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB 
GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D 
GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T 
 

Self-prototyping is dumb if you just throw yourself into the sprite, not if your alternate version from the future does it. Wait. Actually….Why is self-prototyping dumb?? You get all kinds of information about the game, and there is nobody to give you an hard time with coy riddles when you yourself are the sprite. You can fly around. You got “all these crazy powers”. It’s an incredible advantage. If anyone just threw themselves into the kernel, there would be no problem about umhhhh…. HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS. Your life kind of loses value. You become less of a person in the eyes of your co-players. BUT. If everyone did it, that wouldn’t be a problem. Yeah. Well, guess that’s not a possibility anymore.

GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S 
GC: 1S TH1S YOU 

….Who is this guy?? “humancaptainplanet.jpg”?? I’ve never watched this cartoon in my life.

TG: oh jegus fuck no 
TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all 

Dave, first of all, the “s” in nowhere near the “g”, how do you even make that typo?? Second… breathtaking?? Really, Dave?? Really?? The douche part is there though.

GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY 
GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS 
GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3 
GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF >:D 

There is something called being subtle when you’re flirting, GC. I don’t know how it works on your planet but on Earth this comes off as really awkward and sudden. So you’re in luck since we’re in The Medium.

TG: now i know youre bullshitting me 
TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg 

How the fuck does Whoopi Goldberg even come into play now?? Okay, I’m not understanding anything anymore.

TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge 
TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute 

……..Homofantasy? Okay, now I gotta look this up.

9 Beloved Children’s Characters Who Are Obviously Gay

OH MY FUCKING— OH MY GODNESS. Okay, Dave. Considering that this is the fourth freaking person who has something to say about your sexuality… (I’m not kidding! First Rose, then John, AT and now GC.) Is there something you may want to tell us, Dave?? ;)

GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG 
TG: who cares 
GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS 
GC: TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T 

…………Am I supposed to believe her when she says she is blind?? Like seriously, she even drew the broken record. 

TG: ahahahahaha 
TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on 
TG: youre actually a pretty good troll 
TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter 

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS FUCKING BOTHERED BY THE FACT THAT SHE (INVOLUNTARILY OR NOT) KILLED OFF THREE KIDS OUT OF FOUR???? OKAY. ALRIGHT. OKAY. FUCKING FANTASTIC. MAYBE I’VE GOT SOME MORALS. OR JUST COMMON SENSE REALLY. OKAY. WOW. THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS IF THEY WANT TO. SEE IF I CARE. SURPRISE. I DON’T. WOW.

GC: TH4NKS D4V3 
GC: TO B3 F41R 
GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST 
GC: SO 
GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 >;]

I thought she intended to stay pissed at every kid. Forever. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe I was imagining it. 

> Davesprite: Chill with Dave.

Well, now Dave has at least a guide who probably isn’t possessed. Score! And he can talk too. Double Score!! He also has all of the self-image issues and insecurity complexes of our Dave multiplied for five thousand!! Duh! Busted!! 

DAVE, YOU LITTLE DELINQUENT. Took care of all that sweet gear that Dave brought to you, huh? You’ve some bad habit of picking up stuff while its owners aren't looking. So while Davesprite was busy taking care of some businesses with a troll, he just… undressed and put on his new rad suit. Like… on the roof. All casually. Okay so the only one watching would be Dave himself so that wouldn’t really be embarrassing or anything. Well, Cal would be watching. Is there Dave/Davesprite fanfiction out there in the terrible, scary place that is the internet? Or Lil'Cal/Da— ABORT THOUGHT FUCKING ABORT IT AND SEND IT TO THE MOON ABORT I’M DISGUSTED BY MYSELF

DAVE: who were you talking to 
DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off 

Dave, that really didn’t sound like you just telling her to step off. Like not at all. It actually wasn’t even their first conversation. GC said they had talked before. Eeeeehhhh, let’s just be really careful, avoid get all buddy-buddy with her. We were just getting back to a bit of peace and tranquil. ..If John doesn’t do the thing again.

DAVE: ok cool 
DAVE: so now that youre a sprite 
DAVE: do you know everything about the game 
DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway 
DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future 
DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now 
DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on 
DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like 
DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles 
DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it 
DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it 
DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer 
DAVE: alright 
DAVE: here goes 
DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome 
DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked 

I CAN’T STAY ANGRY AT THOSE BEAUTIFULLY MESSED UP NERDS. So we just get a lot of sweet new information. Thanks, Dave. The one from the future. I mean Davesprite. Yeah, whatever, you got it.

DAVE: yeah 
DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business 
DAVE: is he gonna be ok 
DAVESPRITE: thats up to him 
DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us 
DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again 
DAVE: ok 

Ah, yes. I finally found out what we’re going to do until ACT 6. Just rescuing John over and over, because he keeps sneaking around and blast off to his Denizen’s palace, since he always takes the lazy way out. Until eventually they have to kill him off since he won’t fucking stop dying and they can’t keep going back in time forever. A tragic ending.

DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates 
DAVESPRITE: even at a low level 

Doesn’t seem like a good idea, I think he should progress on his own. And improve his abilities little by little.

DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you 
DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together 

OOOOOHHH!!!! And why am I surprised. Cal did show up in the Fifth Gate. Dave probably unlocked the ability accidentally though. At least Davesprite doesn’t get casted aside any time soon.

DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever 
DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time 
DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics 
DAVE: like what 
DAVESPRITE: i dont know 
DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did 
DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc 
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah 
DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through 
DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan 
DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea 
DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later 
DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds 
DAVE: yeah sure

You’re the same person. You would come up with the exact same ideas. Guys, get a grip.

And a broship was born that day.

> Meanwhile, hundreds of pages ago… 

No, but look. This wasn’t hundreds of pages ago. It was thousands. I made it this far, don’t just downplay my progresses like that.

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich’s Cyrus “The Virus” while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage’s Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn’t much to look at. But he was a good man. 

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY. 

This is so awesome. 

Included is a note from your best bro Dave.

AND WE’RE GONNA READ IT. 

OH MY GOD. This… coming from Dave… is incredible. I didn’t think he would ever show appreciation toward John so openly. And the beautiful thing is how much they know each other, all of the kids, and how much they genuinely like each other for what they are. It’s so beautiful. ALSO:

i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff

Dave, I don’t think you ever even got close to remove those shades from your face, so you can’t judge.

one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro. 

Screw Rose and Jade. We all know who the real Seer is here. Dave makes another wonderful show of his precognitive abilities. He needs none of those golden clouds.

Ah, yes. The face of a man who has finally realized how much of an idiot he is being.

JOHN: Suddenly remember that you actually give a fuck about your best buddy.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK NOT ONLY GOD BUT ALSO JESUS. NOT ONLY MY MOM AND DAD BUT ALSO MY PARENTS. NOT ONLY MY BROTHER AND SISTER BUT ALSO MY SIBLINGS. NOT ONLY FUTURE DAVE BUT ALSO DAVESPRITE.

JOHN. Don’t text while you’re piloting your rocket!! Did your father teach you nothing about safe driving piloting?!

TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what 
EB: yeah, of course! 
EB: there was no way i wasn’t trying out this sweet ride. 
TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me 
TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood 
TG: on a back to the future poster 
EB: relax, i’m not going through the gate! 
EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky. 
TG: oh ok 
TG: so you believe me then 
TG: about future me 
TG: and like 
TG: him turning into a floating sword bird 
EB: um… 
EB: ok, i don’t know anything about that… 
EB: but it doesn’t matter! 
EB: you’re my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won’t go. 

AAAAAAAAWWWWWW. LOOK. THEY’RE TALKING. And not insulting each others! Or being rude! Everything is settled, friendship secured again. I’ve waited two acts to see them just chilling like they were in the beginning. BLESS.

EB: hey, can you hold on? 
EB: i’m getting trolled again. 
TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead 
EB: ok, brb.

> John: Get trolled by CG. 

Don’t worry, Dave! It’s just CG. He has no ill intentions! Just a load of incredibly creative and perhaps weirdly suggestive insults!!

CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE. 
CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY. 
CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS. 
CG: LIKE WHAT YOU’RE DOING NOW. 
CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET. 
CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE. 

Next time he’s going to find him reenacting Con-Air with tears in his eyes. This is only the beginning, CG. You signed up for it all the moment you decided to contact John Egbert for the first time. And don’t worry, you eventually found out how they screwed up in your future. Did not speak a word about it though.

EB: humans aren’t hatched as larvae dummy. 
EB: we don’t hatch at all. 
EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies. 
CG: BULLSHIT. 
CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME. 
EB: what did i say? 
CG: I’LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID. 

Oh my God. How can someone even be so dumb?!? He’s just setting John up to troll him in the future!! Everything CG says is a product of John’s influence on him later on, I swear. CG spoke of John as a friend because the kid did it first in his prospective. So if in earlier conversations we had CG trying to convince John that they were friends, in the following ones we will have the opposite! 

EB: i thought you didn’t like going down that road? 
EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations… 
CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. 
EB: i dunno, that’s what you just told me. 

Ooooh, boy. CG, there are apparently weird pesterlog shenanigans in your future. You won’t be pleased.

CG: WHATEVER, LOOK: 
CG: EB: this is really weird… 
CG: CG: WHAT’S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. 
CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch… 
CG: EB: from like these slimy pods. 
CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva. 
CG: CG: OH REALLY. 
CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT. 
EB: hahaha! 
EB: i was punking you dude! 
EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation. 
EB: thanks for the great prank idea. 

John is not just your average little shit he is THE little shit. All of Nanna’s pranking genes got straight to John! He’s the final evolution of the Egbertian dynasty. 

CG: ARGH. 
CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT. 
EB: i don’t know, it was just a friendly prank. 
EB: don’t you ever play pranks? 
EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good. 
CG: WHAT, WHO. 
EB: pffffff, you’ll find out. 

And he will get punched too. You could have warned him.
CG: WELL FINE. 
CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF. 
CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN’T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET. 
CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE. 
CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN’T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT. 
CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? 

Pfffttt. I told you. John will get all overly friendly and CG will be so fucking confused and then John will laugh at his face and the troll will get an aneurysm.

EB: well, we’re friends by then, aren’t we? 
EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends. 
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. 

Exactly what it sounds like. Your friendship will always be one sided. When John is gonna consider you a friend, you won’t and viceversa. 

EB: look, you’re going to have to face it at some point… 
EB: that you’re learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship. 
CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION? 
EB: yes, absolutely. 

OH MY GOD. JOOOHN!!!!!!!! POOR CG.

CG: I GUESS IT’S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS. 
CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. 
CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE. 
CG: AND THEN YOU WON’T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT’S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU. 
EB: dude, you’ve been doing the same exact thing!!! 
CG: I’VE DONE NO SUCH THING. 
CG: I’VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL. 
CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS. 
EB: you never answer my questions, though. 
EB: how am i supposed to know what’s going on, or what you’re alluding to? 
CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES. 
CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE’S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS. 
CG: YOU’VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS… 
CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS… 

MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGER. Yes, this is what I’m gonna call the kids’ dreamselves from now on. Forever. I could be discussing the most serious theory and I will just go “So about Jade’s mystical dream oracle doppelganger…” I will do it.

CG: AND IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF. 
CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING. 
CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU. 
CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU 
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH 
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU 
CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY. 
CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING. 

SERIOUSLY?????????? ANYTHING????????? Okay. Here goes. Why are you such a fucking douche to Jade? Well, I guess you’re a Saint given what GC did, but still. 

EB: ok… 
EB: what’s the point of the game. 
CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE. 
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT. 
CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD. 
EB: augh! 

CG TOLD JOHN ABOUT THE MEANING OF THIS GAME. WHAT. Well, just repeat it!!! I’m not waiting till your next dumb conversation!!

EB: fine. 
EB: where are you now? 
CG: IN THE MEDIUM. 
CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS. 
EB: no no, i know that! 
EB: you already told me. 
CG: I DID? 
EB: yes, in your future. 
CG: DAMMIT. 
EB: what i mean is… 
EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what? 
EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can’t see or know anything about you! 
CG: WE’RE HIDING IN THE VEIL. 
CG: WHAT’S LEFT OF IT. 
EB: what’s that? 
CG: IT’S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS 
CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS 
CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING 
CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS. 
EB: derse? 
CG: THE DARK PLANET. 
CG: PROSPIT’S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA. 

Oh. So they’re NOT playing at the moment. And “what’s left of it”. Does that mean that it got somehow damaged? Also “hiding”. Hiding from someone? What happened to those guys??

EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?? 
CG: YOU’D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA. 
CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL. 
CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE “MAAAAAAGICAL!!!!" 
CG: IT’S INFURIATING. 

CG just can’t appreciate the beauty of a prankster Nanna as a guide. I wonder what he prototyped beside that giant crab??

EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors… 
EB: what do you mean "what’s left of it”? 

!!! John asks the right questions !!!

CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE 
CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA 
CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING 
CG: THAT’S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS. 
EB: ok… 
CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE 
CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN 
CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA 
CG: TO DESTROY IT 
CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG “COUNTDOWN" 

WHAT WHAT WHAAAT WHOA HOLY CRAP OH MY—

CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS. 

YES, I HAD UNDERSTOOD THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EB: so then it’s up to us to save it? 
CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING 
CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME 
CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS 
CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS 
CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH 
CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER 
CG: AND THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU. 

So Derse winning over Prospit is only temporary!!! Oh my, this last battle sounds epic to watch.

EB: ok, but it sounds like we’ve got plenty of time before that happens, right? 
CG: THAT’S JUST IT. 
CG: YOU DON’T. 
CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT 
CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER 
CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU’VE DONE 

WHAAAAT. WHY. THEY’RE NOWHERE NEAR READY TO FIGHT THE LAST FUCKING BATTLE??? HELL, JADE IS STILL ON EARTH!!!

CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE 
CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE 
CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME 
CG: IT’S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT 
CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO. 

So let me get this straight. They’re gonna fuck up not one, but two times?? That’s amazing.

EB: oh no… 
EB: what is it? 
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. 
CG: IT’S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY.

NO, CG. FUCK YOU. TELL US. I’m tired of waiting!!! I know it won’t change a thing but STILL.

EB: yeah, well… 
EB: maybe you’re wrong! 
EB: maybe there’s something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us? 
CG: I’M NOT WRONG, IT’S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY. 

Oh, boy. They’ve already seen it. It’s gonna happen. There is no stopping it unless you wanna end up in another timeline. And we all saw how well that went. 

EB: ok, we’ll see about that, mr. sourbulge. 
EB: hey, aren’t you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor? 
EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something? 

They’re evidently not sitting with their butt directly on the fucking meteor, John. What kind of question is that anyway???? He just told you that you’re freaking doomed! And you go "oh, well. by the way, are meteors confortable?”

CG: NO, THERE’S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL. 
CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE… 
CG: BIG SEEDS. 
EB: seeds? 
EB: um… 
EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there? 
CG: STUFF LIKE… 
CG: BUILDINGS 
CG: FACILITIES 
CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF. 
EB: weird. 
CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS. 
CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES. 
CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD. 
CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES. 

Okay, I take back what I said. STOP DROPPING INFORMATION JUST LIKE THAT. This is confusing already. Labs?? Could there be a Skaia net Lab over there. That would cover the lack of ectobiology equipment quite nicely. We need that for John.

EB: wow, i don’t think i’m following this. 

That makes two of us.

CG: YEAH NO SHIT! 
CG: BUT YOU’LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE 
CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED. 
CG: ANYWAY THAT’S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE’VE ALREADY HAD.

WHAT. How is John gonna end up on a meteor. ….John, put that rocket away, I told you that you weren’t capable of piloting it.

CG: I’M OUT OF HERE. 
EB: ok, but wait… 
EB: can you give a message to GC for me? 
EB: tell her nice try. 

NICE TRY, JOHN??? JOHN, YOU DIED!!!!

CG: WHAT 
CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU 
CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I’M NOT A RELAY SERVICE. 
EB: oh, well i thought you’d be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time. 
EB: but whatever. 
CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE. 
CG: I’M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS. 
CG: “NICE TRY” JOHN 
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

– carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] –

CG is such a fucking dork I can barely believe my eyes. But he is way nicer here. It’s kinda weird. 

So it’s basically confirmed that we will jump a little back in time to watch the trolls’ adventure unfold from the beginning. Well, a little now. As much as they took to enter the game (They’re TWELVE), get through all the seven gates (They’re TWELVE), fight their denizens (They’re TWELVE), go to Skaia and defeat the Queen!!!! And I repeat, they’re twelve, TWELVE PROTOTYPINGS, their enemies will be REALLY strong. Not to talk about the fact that I will watch the Seer of Mind, Knight of Blood, Page of Breath, Maid of Time and all the others together as they ascend. Whatever the heck it means. I would say that is just the moment in which they get their powers but Dave already has his Time powers. Well, he has turntables with time travel properties. Maybe when he becomes the Knight of Time he won’t need any gadget to travel trough time?? Now, if I had a better idea of what ascending means…. Is it when they get their powers or when they become Knights and Pages and Maids… Or both. WHATEVER. 

> [S] Jack: Ascend. 

Aaaaand random POV switch is random! Ascend?? I thought John would be the first to ascend but it’s okay, turns out that Jack is the real protagonist and gets ascending privileges first. He shall become…. The Douche Of Derse!!!! Plot twist, he already was all along and we never noticed. No, okay. It’s actually really hard to miss.

READ THIS BEFORE WATCHING!! Thanks to the magnificent thing that is audio editing I was able to lower down my voice and also add the music so you can safely listen to this without your eardrums imploding. ALSO I know I made many pronunciation mistakes, please don’t point them out! English is not my first language and this is kind of embarrassing for me! This whole thing is embarrassing, really. This audio react is embarassing. Alright, alright, you can now proceed. Transcript will also be up soon, don’t worry! And considerations about the whole flash, as I promised. 

Let’s just incinerate all the puppets in the webcomic, I say.

Yesterday the Caps Lock on my pc got stuck while I was in a group chat. I had to type in all caps for about ten minutes. It was like an immersive experience in the angry, messy mind of CG. You know what, it was actually kind of cathartic, writing like that. Like an outlet for every frustration. I kind of feel closer to the guy now. 9/10 would do again. The missing 1 is because I had to keep reassuring everyone that No, I’m not going crazy and No, I don’t need to lay down and No, I’m not this enthusiastic about tomorrow math test, IT’S MY COMPUTER’S FAULT DAMMIT. Anyway, back to liveblogging. Also Tumblr won’t let me insert screenshots under the read more, so bear with me.

It’s a window. Look, I can tell windows from walls and that is a window, believe me. Yup, here it is. Although I would prefer getting a look to the surrounding, and not only the wall itself. It had been stolen from Jack a long time ago, or so he said. Also by now that wall should be smashed in tiny little pieces given the amount of abuse it has received from our Jade Harley.

HOO HOO HOO. Mr. Hussie, what a pleasure. You choose to join us. …Now, I do believe we had a score to settle. cracks knuckles a bunch of gangsters shows up behind me How should I put this now, huh? I think the proper way to word this is… WERE MAKING THIS HAPPEN. And by this I mean you begging for mercy on the ground. You don’t get away with killing those poor kids off! Alt timeline or not!

Beating up the author aside, This is slightly too meta for me. And self-insertion is always bad. Didn’t you ever stumble on those quality (citation necessary) writing tips blogs?? It always ends up with Mary Sues and Gary Stues. Well, not really always. I remember during one chilly morning scrolling through the whole AO3 website and stumbling upon the only good self-insert fanfiction I’ve ever read. There was a male self-insert and he wasn’t Gary Stuish, he didn’t even ship himself with the hottest lady and that in itself is a miracle. Well, he had superpowers and it came up that he was also dead all along but… What? I read weird fanfictions, okay?? I can also stomach things you can’t even fathom, I read all of My Immortal in one sitting. Try to beat that. …I lost brain cells that day. Moving on. Why do I always end up rambling????

…D-don’t look at me like that. And pretty sure an human neck can’t bend like that. He has a nice study tho. And nice… painting… on the fireplace, yeah. Got a good taste.

What? 
Oh hell no. This is always such a terrible idea. Leave me alone.

He knows. Well, of course he does. I guess he is going to do it anyway and still make it sound like good writing. For the irony. And because I can just tell that from what I’ve seen so far that he likes proving people wrong.

BACK OFF. YOU PUPIL-LESS WORKAHOLIC. Thousands of pages and several flashes in only one year! You need a break, mister!! Or at least… you needed it at the time.

You really wish your side of the wall had an off switch. 
Which is to say, I really wish my side of the wall had an off switch.

Look, if you’re gonna be rude and shut the wall down in my face, I can just get back to the story. I did not CHOSE to spy on you. I sadly can’t command the narrative otherwise we would have already met all of the trolls and began to at least chat with the eight players session. You know those kids that probably are on Earth?? And Earth is ending soon?? And yet we haven’t heard a peep from them?? I say let's stop the dilly dallying and let’s get them in the game too.

> AH: Forget it. Go back to work. 

Dear suggestions supplier, that was rude. Don’t boss the author around like that.

Okay but if he is white and he draws himself like that, why are the kids colorless?? Their skin, I mean. What does that mean. Are they ghosts or something. An alien race disturbingly similar to our own. That only has one guardian instead of a whole family. Yes, that must be it.

Ok. You’re just going to ask me to recap Homestuck though. I don’t know why you’d want to sit there and watch me type. 

This is going to be pretty long.

No but. It depends by how much information you wanna include. Could be really short. There are four human kids that play a game and bring about the apocalypse. They have some peculiar family situations. They are also all nerds. They are gonna fuck some shit up and end up screwing over an alien race which will decide that making Pesterchum accounts and troll them is obviously the best course of action. There, done.

Well, I’d say that I remember all the relevant things but a recap surely can’t hurt. Plus he bothered writing this freaking poem of a recap, I might as well give it justice and read it.

Homestuck began on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert. Three days prior was supposed to be the day he received the Sburb Beta in the mail, but it was running late. It showed up later that afternoon, and after overcoming a variety of domestic adversities, heretrieved the game, along with a birthday package from his internet friend, Dave Strider. 

Ah, the good ol’ times. It took exactly ONE HUNDRED PAGES for John to get that Beta. Now in twenty pages we kill off half of the players, prototype the unnameable puppet abomination, go back in time, bring everyone back to life and get Davesprite as a bonus. Oh, and let’s not forget staphappy archagents rising to power.

Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite’s kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. 

Ooohh. Oh, but wait! I hadn’t got this! First-tier prototyping does not affect the enemies because it’s the first, but because it happens before you enter The Medium! Before the kernel hatches! So if you prototype two times before entering the enemies will also bear the likeness of the second item/your own self/deceased pet/demonic puppet of choice/ that you put in the Kernel! 

The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. 

Remember John’s first strife that didn’t involve cake to the face? When he passed out before he even began fighting?? Well, to be fair maybe it was from the sheer horror since the malevolent imp did take his Con-Air bunny in hostage. You know what? I’ve even got the link right here, I’m gonna replay it, that was amazing. Short but sweet. BRB. ….It’s still just as amazing.

After entering the Medium, John’s dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the spritewith his grandmother’s ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about aneternal/timeless war fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose. 

TEMPORARILY!!! And I’m suddenly very glad that the ashes incident happened after entering. Imps with Nanna’s face, yuck.

Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect on the enemies once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. 

Do you think we’re going to see all the possible combinations.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:
- Both before
- One before, one after
- Both after
- Only one, either before or after
- None

HHHHHMMMM, Both before. The Rose way. Well, your enemies get two upgrades instead of one, doesn’t really have any other consequences if you do not prototype your dead grandparents. (…*glares at Jade* You got this, missy?) One before, one after. John and Dave did it this way. Which is… the classic way?? The less troublesome. Both after. Well, you get an handy guide but you’re still kinda fucked. I mean… royally fucked. I think that not prototyping before entering does not make the war start?? If there is no war there is nothing to win and then you’re just stuck in The Medium with no purpose. Forever. Wow, Rose and her FAQ could really have fucked someone over when she advised to ignore the sprite altogether before entering. Only one, either before or after. I don’t see what’s the point of only prototyping one time?? Maybe if you prototype only one time with a sentient being before entering?? The unlucky crow that Dave impaled did not talk though. So if you want to make things harder because you’re some kind of sadist and embark on your quest without any idea of what you have to do, help yourself. None. That’s basically the same as the third option, only in the latter you decide you want a sprite for company after realizing that you’re never going to win anyway?? Look, it seems stupid not to prototype anything, but think about it. Why in the heck would you throw something in the glowy floating thing that is a Vanilla Sprite, freshly out of the Cruxtruder?? John only did it thanks to Rose and FAQs written by other users. If you don’t look up for instruction what would prompt you to prototype in the first place?? You don’t even know what prototyping means!! This game fucking sucks, honestly. The great majority of the players probably didn’t prototype a thing and is now stuck in The Medium forever. ……..Guys, I’ve reached a new low. I’M GETTING SAD ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT EVEN EXIST IN THE STORY!! THE FUCK??!?!?!

From the house, Rose’s mom opened a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage lead to the lab next door, where Rose found a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found alittle girl’s room, a mutant kitten she named Vodka Mutini, and a cloning machine operating through the science of ectobiology.

Okaaaaaaaay. So since John is somehow ending up in The Veil sometime soonish, and CG said there are all kinds of labs and staff there, I may as well divulge what I think about the purpose of Ectobiology?? So as I said, I don’t think it will be used only one time but multiple ones for different purposes. There is Rose’s quest. And I do think that she will need ectobiology to complete it. But there is also the question of what John is going to do. The one true ectobiologist. And I was thinking about it right after I finished the Intermission that made me think about time travel, alternate selves and paradoxes, right?? And it is a bit far fetched maybe but what about the kids’ dreamselves?? To actually clone something/someone through ectobiology without it resulting into a paradox you have to clone something that is already exiting and has already been cloned. And they have already been under our very eyes! Clones that have been existing all along, the kids’ dreamselves! We clone the kids and send them back through time on Prospit and Derse where they grow up along with the real version of the kids! Huh?? You know, that does makes sense. I thought I wwas rambling. Clones do not just pop out of nowhere. They gotta have an origin. 

The meteor left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The “cork” of that bottle was a large metal cylinder with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety of devices and monitors inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond walked through the desert and discovered this station.

Of course four hundreds years would turn out to be exactly 413 years. That makes it the year 422, amirite?? So after the Reckoning the exiles were sent in the future and teleported on Earth. Or what was left of it. Now the question still standing is why? I was fairly convinced that it was because they would refuse to fight but?? Now the Queen is an Exile?? And I don’t know what to think. Plus you would think that PM could as well be considered exonerated by any kind of fight given the importance of the journey she is about to undertake. And still I doubt she didn’t encounter any enemy. She was pretty swift with her sword when attacking AR. And *who* would exile them? Jack? It makes sense since he is now the monarch but why do I get the feeling that he wouldn’t really give a shit?? He would just kill them if they got in his way. So basically I’m back at square one?? I DON’T GET IT. I feel like I’m missing something obvious. I hate it when that happens. 

He also activated a countdown in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated “home” coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John’s meteor, on the other side of the continent. John’s meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station.

Also I had kind of totally missed the fact that WV station was the cork of the bottle. The White Queen came out of a giant egg, Dave’s entry item, and PM out of an “apple”, John’s entry item, that transformed into an helicopter. Guess who is left? But why, AR’s station, we never even got a glimpse of it. Why, you ask? We would get to make hypothesis about Jade’s enter item! Jade’s! Now we can’t have that! Everything regarding her as to be shrouded in mystery! :O!! :O!!! 

After WV flew overhead, PM activated her station’s homing feature as well, which caused it to fly to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium.

WHAT WGAT WHAT WHAT. From when she was in The Medium?!? THE FUCK. TO THE HELL WITH SHROUDED IN MYSTERY THIS IS JUST ME BEING AS BLIND AS GC GIMME A PAIR OF THOSE COOL RED SHADES BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK

How did I miss this?!? IT WAS FUCKING SNOWING?!??,??? HOW DID I MISS THAT?!??? WHAT THE SHIT. I’M A SHAM. DID I COMPLETELY FUCKING OVERLOOK THIS?? WAS I DRUNK WHILE READING THIS?? WHAT?? THIS MUST BE SOME RETCON SHIT I SWEAR I HAVE TO CHECK BACK 

YEAH??? YEAH??? REALLY??? GADGETS???? ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS GOING TO GET INCINIATED BYY NUCLEAR ENERGY OR SOMETHINGAND WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING THE SNOW HOW DO YOU MISS THE SNOW ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND—…….. Did I just start dissing on my own self in second person. Did I. Holy shit. I did. I’m going to take a break and drink something.

Ahem. Yes. I’m calm now. I’m back. There apparently is a lot of snow on Jade’s Land. More like a gigantic storm. That I somehow missed. Because I was probably high while I liveblogged that section. But it’s okay. I also called what looks like the imminent explosion of Jade’s Land “gadgets”. But it’s okay. It’s chill. Awesome. And that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade’s radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged from this crater as well. 

That’s the best description of Becquerel that I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

Jade's grandpa pioneered this island, and built the house Jade lives in. Her grandpa has been dead for many years, and stands stuffed in front of the fireplace. She has been looked after by her dog who she calls Bec. She begins the day with several tasksto accomplish - to feed Bec, and to retrieve a birthday packagemailed by John. She irradiates a steak, and heads outside to thesite where the package will be dropped. She knows it will be dropped there because one of the reminders she wears on her fingers jogs her memory about it. She wears them to keep track of the many things she knows about the future, through dreams. 

She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a “dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential.” When Prospit’s mooneclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn’t. When she wakes up, she pieces together future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming. 

Prospit's moon has two towers of identical design, and similar design to Jade’s house. Dream Jade lives in one tower. Dream Johnlives in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade’s birthday package months ago. 

Yeah, but get a load of this. It’s surreal. Make someone who doesn’t even know what Homestuck is read this. It’s surreal. But once you get to this point you don’t notice all of the bullshit that happens in this webcomic and how complicated it all is. You just take it in stride, shrug and move on. …You were expecting me to actually give intelligent commentary on this so you read all that, right? That’s… I’m sorry.

John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13thbirthdays were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose).

How did I not notice the 413. Just how many things did I even miss.

AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork.

FENESTRATED WALL PORTALS. Okay, Hussie, just admit you wanted to make them windows in the beginning and then opted for walls to make The Fourth Wall Joke. C'mon. And they’re are portals?? That’s amazing, other things I overlooked. 

Long before John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistently trolling them, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids’ game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well. 

Long before link brings you back to months before. Well, it’s nice to have some kind of time reference. Wait. Wait. And only Jade fucks up?? Only Jade now?? Then what was AT going on about when he was talking to Dave. WHATEVER. Also kudos to Jade, wow.

The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they’re doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids’ timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids’ timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can’t change the outcome of the kids’ actions. 

Because it has actually already happened from their prospective, right? And they’ve completed the session with unknown results? Excuse me, but hiding in The Veil with their butt on a meteor doesn’t sound like winning to me. That’s some strange way to celebrate.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group’s trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John’s, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG’s session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three other agents were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls’ dead planet. Another difference in the trolls’ session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault. 

And also established the most foreshadowy blatant parallel in the history of parallels. That I. Again. Missed.

Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she’s in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened. 

I’ve got only one decent theory left that I’m really convinced of and that is Jade’s death so if you want to disprove that too, pointing out blatant things that I missed like dreambots having a selfdestructive function or something, do it now and let’s not speak about it ever again. Can’t get any worse. Sorry, I’m whining but I thought I was actually understanding pretty much everything and instead?? It turns out that I really do not?? Ugh.

After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she’d need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied “Meow.” She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up. 

FUCKING BLESS LOOK AN ACTUAL THING THAT I GOT RIGHT GENETIC CODE AND ROSE MISINTERPRETING WOW JUST LET ME GET THE CHAMPAG— Okaaaaaaaaay. Stop whining, I get it.

Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. 

You mean… yet unseen. Because I’m not moving until I get that flash.

He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now. 

And then after that you started watching me type in this ridiculous study I photoshopped for myself with my cool horse painting propped up in the background.

Okay, this cheered me up. Thanks, Hussie. :’) 

OH MY GOD DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND CLICK ON THE COOL HORSE PAINTING LINK I BEG OF YOU.

READ THE WHOLE THING. DO IT. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. IF JUST TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THIS COMES FROM:

I thrash. My delirious convulsions become more pronounced. Feverish visions pester me, like an overzealous carnival employee lurking, poised to frighten in a shoddy haunted house. My breathing is heavy. “No… horse…” I say. “I can’t… linebacker…” I wheeze. At once I sit upright, and shout, “I will never own that painting of a horse attacking a champion of the gridiron!!!”

There was a voice. A rich, amber-throated sort of vocal honey.

“Yes you will.”

Cliffhanger!! :O Who was that?? Now you just have to read and find out.

> AH: I didn’t read any of that. Do something less boring. 

>  DEAR CASUAL READER: I read all of it and you need to shut up and learn to speak for yourself.

Agreed. That is not the face of a man who is okay. Guys, what did you do to him??!! And is that arm… Nah. Nope.

AAAGGGHHH!!! When you see something looking like the demonic puppet, just assume it really is the demonic puppet. It always is. Lurking in the background. Okay, I never thought I would utter these words but… Maybe Cal is worse than Squiddles. Maybe. Still I want a puppet like that one. I need it.

DON’T YOU TALK TO THE THING.

AH: Why don’t you keep drawing Homestuck or something.

Oh, but I don’t merely draw Homestuck… 

(Type “==>”, I am about to make a joke.)

Telling me beforehand kind of ruined it.

OH MY GOD MISTER YOU’RE NOT OKAY I’M PREPARING YOU A STRONG TEA GET SOME REST.

I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE’S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.

(DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) Yes, you’re good, I got it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be still reading. I make one tiny little complain and you go on full rant mode. ……You know, he sounds like a mix of Dave and CG. Oh, dear.

Plus this is not even a joke.And why the hell is PM not in this panel?!? I am going to rant now. Like she is the most important and courageous and noble exile. That kind of earns you a place in there.

So it ends just like this?? I thought it was going to be plot relevant in some twisted and incredibly meta way. Now it just seems silly. Moving on. Back to John and his incredibly dangerous piloting!!

NO. FUCK OFF. NOPE. GO AWAY.

The epic showdown. Goofy human nerd versus Goofy alien troll. Pssss, she has cooler glasses.

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file “LOW4SM4P.FL4” – 
EB: what’s this? 
GC: 1T’S YOUR WORLD M4P 
GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D 
GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3 

HOLY MACARONI. What does she think she is doing. Another map?!? Seriously?!? And what kind of file format is FL4. Or FLA, I guess.

EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i’m in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice! 
GC: JOHN PL34S3 
GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS 

……She wants to redeem her actions?? I… UGH. I genuinely wanted to like her?!? I really liked her in the very beginning?!? I mean, levels of GA liking. That is a lot. And then she goes and kills off everyone. But it wasn’t on purpose! But still she knew that something horrible might have happened! I feel so conflicted! I wanna give her another chance but I kind of really don’t want to at the same time?? Like I think about Dave and how she made him genuinely laugh for the first time in this comic, and after enduring that living hell for four months, through the power of incredibly shitty drawings, she should help him out with SBAHJ, and then I remember!! That she was the one that made him endure those four months in the first place!! I don’t know what to do!

GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU 

How awful on a scale from one to it haunts my sleep at night knowing that I killed someone. Let’s discuss it.

GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT >:[ 

Evidently not that much!!

EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him! 

Yes, John! I like this approach. Friends before trolls. >:D

GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3 
GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN??? 

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHH. MMMMMMMMMMMMHHH. Aren’t you the same who said, and I quote: “4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R ” Huh??? What happened to that??

EB: i don’t know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps! 

YES. THAT'S IT. Thank you, John.

GC: J3GUS JOHN 
EB: what? 
GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS 
GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON 
EB: you mean my earth jesus? 
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 
GC: DO 1 
EB: do you have a troll jegus? 
GC: JOHN 
GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS 
GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW 
EB: wow, really? 
EB: or is this a joke? 
GC: 1TS 4 JOK3 
GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S >:? 

That was a typo, GC. Jegus is nothing. JESUS, however, that is something AT really needs. Have you seen his downright NSFW raps?!? All that hornography should be illegal.

EB: well… 
EB: neither do i, i guess. 
EB: it’s pretty much not anything. 
GC: JOHN 
GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P????? 
GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST 
GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3 
GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND! 

AAAUUUGHHH!!! There you go! You goofy nerdy ex-murderous girl. Another chance! Just this one time! This is a golden opportunity! DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS. I will closely watch and judge your every move. Be fucking careful and consider yourself lucky.

GOOGLE LOWAS. I CANNOT. I JUST. NO.

JOHN H3RE 1S YOUR HOUS3. 1     
    CROPP3D THIS WORLD M4P FOR     
    YOU SO YOU C4N F1ND WH3R3      
    TO GO 343S1LY. FLY NORTH!!! &gt;:]
    &lt;- 4LSO H1 TH1S 1S M3          

(B) TH1S 1S TH3 S3COND G4T3!  
    GO 1N H3R3. 1 PROM1S3 YOU 
    WONT D13 TH1S T1M3. UNL3SS
    YOU SCR3W UP 4LL BY       
    YOURS3LF. &gt;;]

STOP BEING ADORABLY ASSERTIVE GODDAMN. Umh. The gate is kind of far but then again he’s blasting through space on a rocket. What’s up with the purple spots?

That was ridiculously fast. He’s already there. How was he supposed to get up there to the gate without a rocket though???? Climbing?? Doubt he can climb anything beside his echeladder. And even then he has problems.

> John: Enter. 

………..I’M TRUSTING GC I’M TRUSTING GC I’M TRUSTING GC.

Maybe that would have worked out better if you didn’t add a caption that I read before even looking at the image.

WHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!! What??? Why does John’s Second Gate bring him to Rose’s Land???? OH GOD he’s gonna crash GC's prophecy is real she didn’t kill him but he’s gonna do it all on his own SEE JOHN YOU NEVER SHOULD UNDERESTIMATE THE WORDS OF A SEER. 

You know he dead. So John goes to Rose’s Land, huh? Is it because they have to collaborate on something???? Wow. Who would have ever thought. I never mentioned the possibility of two players working together to win their quests. I absolutely didn’t. Never saw it coming. Obviously. There never have been any theories about the possibility of this happening on this liveblog.

And apparently Dave has been pretty busy building up! He did a pretty neat job too! Rose could be already getting through her first gate if she wasn’t busy snoozing.

Perfect landing, John. 9/10. Didn’t even wake up Miss Sleeping Beauty.

ROSE, WAKE UP. TIME TO MEET ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IRL FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Despite the pandemonium of your entrance, Rose is still sound asleep. She must be really tuckered out! 

It looks like this little guy is awake and ready for action though. He is adorable. You decide to name him Dr. Meowgon Spengler.

John, Vodka Mutini already has an owner. …And so John and Rose fought to death over the custody of the little mutant cat. Mutation that John didn’t even notice.

This is the most ridiculous panel in Homestuck.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] – 

TG: wow ok 
TG: youre a little early 
TG: but thats fine i guess 
TG: also you suck at rockets 

Hehe, he knew John was on his way to Rose’s Land. Also, it’s not like he had practice with rockets! They don’t teach piloting in Nerd 101! 

EB: ARGH! 
TG: what 
EB: she tricked me again. 
TG: who 
EB: GC. 
EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate. 
EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose’s house instead. 
EB: another prank! 

No, John. You were SUPPOSED to come here. 

TG: dude you did go through the second gate 
TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again 
TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue 
TG: she didnt trick you this time 

I’m just gonna say that she really has a way with words. Also shush, I saw you getting all buddy buddy with her before.

EB: oh… 
EB: then, i don’t really get this. 
TG: what were you expecting 
TG: this is how it works 
TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing 
TG: cycling through each planet 
TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses 
TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet 
TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there 
TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house 
TG: and so on 
EB: wow, ok. 

OH MY GOSH. Everybody gets to go on everybody else’s lands!!!!! John, hurry up and get Jade in this game because she has to meet EVERYONE ASAP.

TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1 
TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously 
TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up 
TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death 
TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine 
TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing 
EB: ok… 
EB: how do you know all this? 
TG: fuck 
TG: come on dude 
EB: oh yeah… 
EB: you’re the orange dave. 
EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second? 

The real Dave?!?! Orange Dave?!? John, what the actual fuck!! what are you saying! Mr. “Orange Dave” saved your ungrateful ass from sure death! You would be bleeding on the ground of your Denizen’s palace if it wasn’t for him!! 

TG: god dammit 
TG: i am the real dave 
TG: you know the one who saved your life 
TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year 
TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass 
TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q 
TG: youre fucking welcome 
EB: wow, calm down! 
EB: i’m sorry, that’s not really what i meant… 

EB: i mean, of course you’re a real dave, but what i mean is… 
EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he’s in the same boat i’m in, not knowing stuff and all. 
EB: and i’d feel bad keeping him out of the loop! 

Yeah, not what he meant. He should put a sock in his mouth sometimes. John does not mean harm but… he is just really dense sometimes. At least Rose will understand him if she gets knowledge and memories from Alt!Rose. And of course Jade will be sympathetic because she kind of has been in the same situation. Losing someone she loved and thinking that things would never be okay again. Of course she will understand. So the butt of the situation here is John.

– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] – 

TG: yo 
EB: oh, hey. 
EB: i think i pissed off your future self. 
TG: what did you do 
EB: i said he wasn’t the real dave. 
TG: ahahahahaha 
EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! 
TG: pff 
TG: dont worry about it 
EB: why not? 
TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit 
TG: and hes me 

I take back what I said. Dave is the butt of the situation. They may essentially the same person but they have had different experiences. Going through things like the ones Davesprite has gone through changes a person. So to sum it up: Dave, shut the fuck up, you don’t understand.

TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer 
TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff 
TG: i mean thats what i would have done 
TG: if you were alive 

dON’T SAY THAT AAHHH. When will the pain end….

TG: so im gonna go 
TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something 
EB: sure! 
EB: hey dave… 
TG: what 
EB: in case i forgot to say so before… 
EB: thanks for saving my life! 
TG: yeah 

That does make things a tiny little bit better. Still I hope that Dave fully comes to terms with being a sprite. ç.ç

> John: Snoop. 

JOHN NO. What kind of man are you! DAD would be so ashamed of him if he could witness this.

WHAT’S UP WITH THE WEIRDASS SNOOP DOGG WATERMARKS IN THE PANELS.

Aww, he nudges her awake, he isn’t going to snoop! Unless… he’s checking that she’s passed out enough for him to snoop in peace. (◕︵◕) Also people usually go for the shoulder, not the head, John. And I see a very purple present peering out of a very purple package!!! :D

TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here 
TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up 

And of course Dave is always the one encouraging illicit conduct. BRO would be so proud of him if he could witness this.

EB: well, yeah, she won’t wake up. 
EB: so i guess so. 
EB: but i’m not snooping!!! 
TG: fine dont 
TG: but here just do this one thing 
TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you 
EB: yeah. 
EB: they look sorta like journals. 
EB: i don’t think i should read those! 
TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to 
TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for 
TG: just pick them up 
TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now 

Yeah, pick them up. Then open them and turn them toward the Sburb camera— I CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THIS DAVE. YOU READ LIKE A BOOK.

THE CHAPTA. JOHN NO. ….That was more ingenious than what I would have given Dave credit for.

TG: now i need you to do something else 
TG: this is important 
TG: like for important game reasons and stuff 
TG: take the card the books are on 
TG: flip it over 
EB: umm… 
TG: so you can see the code 
EB: wait a minute! 
EB: i see what you’re trying to do. 
EB: i won’t tell you the code for rose’s books! 

*bangs head on keyboard* DAMMIT JOHN HE CAN SEE YOU. Well, what is done is done. Why is Dave so interested in Rose’s wizard fanfictions anyway. He can find those on AO3. Those in the books are just the first draft.

TG: alright cool 
TG: you can ditch the books now if you want 
TG: maybe put them back on the floor 
TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping 
TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there 
TG: what is even with you 
EB: HAHA DAVE, 
EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD. 
TG: isnt that your birthday package there 
EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be. 
TG: maybe you should look at it 
TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours
EB: yeah, maybe. 
EB: i wonder if she finished… 
EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.

You know no shame, Dave. He even finds a diversion for John who has the attention span of a hyperactive squirrel. And its frontal teeth too.

GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT. That is violation of privacy, those are her journals. You should never read a 13 y/o girl journal, not only you can get seriously traumatized from the read (believe me, I speak from experience), but that’s just a dick move. Don’t be a dick, Dave. You won’t find any romantic love confession to you in there.

Rose! If she flies to his tower really fast and punches him in the face for being so rude he will wake up and regular Dave will fall asleep!! Snooping avoided!

Umh, did Hussie forget to draw her face or what. Told you he needed a break. That aside, cool pajamas. What is she doing. Dancing through the sky. Pulling ill moves. Having convulsions. Who knows.

Dave’s tower. It’s red inside. What a surprise. …What is she doing with that ball of yarn.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY IS CAL DOING WITH THOSE PAJAMAS. YOU’RE NOT A PLAYER CAL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW THE FUCK IS IT MOVING. NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, MOVING OR THE PAJAMAS. STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME. Isn’t Lil’ Cal in shreds right now tho? So is Dave dreaming of it? Dave, no.

What… is that thing…. in the corner….. I fear the things I will see on his walls. 

Pfffffftt. Rose, you majestic being, you. You know what’s beautiful about this? The fact that she was coming here with the intention of waking him up. So she looks around in her bedroom, thinking about how she is going to wake up the little prick, spots the ball of yarn and goes: “Yes, perfect. This shall do the trick.”

SNOOPING AVOIDED YOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HE IS AWAKE. Well, he already was but still.

“Surprise, bitch. You thought you had seen the last of me. Wanna wreck havoc on Derse together?” Kind of more fitting than you would think. Because Alt!Rose joined our Rose. Would you look at that smugness though. I don’t even think it is possible to get more smug than Rose Lalonde. 

Ooooooh, boooooyyyyy. That is worse than any DNA sequence or creepy clowns that you can scribble on your wall. 150% creepier.

You eye your birthday package again curiously. It’s awfully tempting to peek inside, but you feel guilty about it for some reason, even though it’s yours anyway. 

Because Rose was adamant in keeping it a secret. Because she said it was not finished. And because she has every intention of destroying John through the sheer power of…. Lo and Behold…. STRONG SENTIMENTAL VALUE!!! I don’t mind waiting to see what’s inside. Unlike Jade’s present, it’s not gonna make people explode. I mean… It’s made of yarn! Yarn is most of the time not deadly!

You suppose a perusal of her bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within is meant for everybody. 

Dave pesters you with the message, “TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” which you decide not to bother dignifying with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it’s probably just him being a truculent jackass again so screw him.

Pffft. He banged his head on the keyboard. Poor boy.

WHAT IS THIS. This is… not a really existing book, right? Please tell me it isn’t.

You captchalogue Rose’s autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES. Jewels of wisdom like this don’t just fall into your lap every day, and shouldn’t be parted with lightly. 

You doubt she’ll mind if you borrow her book. She’s always trying to get you to read her weird books anyway.

At least it’s not the Grimoire, John. At least it’s not the Grimoire.

You can’t take it anymore. You’re going to see what’s inside.

You lasted one minute and half, what the heck. Do as you wish but Rose won’t be pleased.

BUNNIES. OTHER BUNNIES. AAAAAWWWWWWW. It’s evidently not finished. But John will like it anyway because it’s a bunny.

John,

rOSE’S LETTER TO JOHN. BRING IT THE FUCK ON.

John, 

I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it’s the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless. 

Summing up: you sent me a present, words were not enough so I sent one to you.

The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn’t mean it that way. 

“I know” more like “Jade told me”. But the important thing is that she realized it in the end. :’)

In fact, I’m sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here. 

ROSE I— ROSE IS A TREASURE. ROSE IS… ROSE IS FUCKING PERFECT. Her friendship with John is perfect. The way in which she knows him so well even though they’re so different is perfect. Everything is perfect.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he’s yours. 

I trust you’ll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday. 

Rose

I’M STRUGGLING TO MAKE COMMENTARY. THIS IS TOO ADORABLE. TOO MUCH ADORABLENESS I NEED TO STEAM IT OFF. This is so important?? And great?? This is Rose openly talking about feelings. Thanking John for his friendship. She trusts him enough to just be open about how she feels for a change instead of pretending not to care?? WOW WOW WOW. I know she talked about strong sentimental value, but I would have never imagined something like this. 

John, you had to ruin this beautiful moment.

This gift from Rose is so cool. Two sweet bunnies on one birthday?? What are the odds.

The odds are that Jade’s present would probably have been a rabbit too, had it not exploded under unclear circumstances. Unless she was going to break this pattern too. Jade “Smash the pattern. Kill the pattern.” Harley. …It has exploded, right? Or not? What is PM gonna bring John? Maybe it didn’t explode?? The whole thing was very unclear. 

You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it. It is such a nice present. You will have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would probably be creepy. 

JOHN, NEVER CHANGE. But why don’t you wake her up and thank her properly. 

This bunny reminds you that you still have a salamander in your sylladex. She is holding the bunny Dave got you. It’s sort of uncanny how similar they are, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what are the odds?? So weird.

That is…. not the same bunny… that through some weird time travel paradox bullshit… is existing in two places at the same time, right?? In the same fashion of Dave’s copies of Sburb??

You release dear, precious Casey. She was probably getting antsy in that card. You think you’ll leave her here with Rose. A dangerous quest is nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in your inventory. 

John, you have been a father for about ten minutes and you already grew sick of it? You are a sham. 

You don’t know anything about biology. Unless it is biology that has to do with ghosts and slime.

You don’t know anything about ectobiology either, hon.

But even then you don’t actually know anything, you just sort of like to pretend you do. 

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT.

Don’t answer that. People will mistake you for Rose and you will give her a bad reputATION. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. GA. Next conversation. First conversation. ConversationWithAVeryStupidGirl.txt

John started it all.

OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD. Wait. Can’t she see him typing?? He doesn’t really look anything like Rose. Plus Rose snoring on the ground just a few feet away should be kind of a dead giveaway. Wait. I FOUND A PLOT HOLE.

– grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] – 

GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species 
GA: I Have To Start Somewhere 
GA: And Somewhen 
GA: So I Am Starting With You 
GA: And Now 
GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant 
GA: Mostly For Me 
GA: Actually You Know What 
GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All 
GA: Goodbye 

I LOVE HER. I’M IN LOVE. “Supposed To” Umh. Apparently CG is in charge of this baloney. But why would anybody listen to him. He sounds like someone who goes to fight somebody and gets only himself hurt in the process. Maybe he whined so much about it that the others had no choice. Maybe that’s how he killed his enemies in The Medium. Screaming them to death. Screamkind.

TT: she’s not here right now, she’s asleep! 
TT: but ok, see you. 
GA: Is This 
GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About 
GA: That You Always Use 
GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate 
TT: umm… no? 
GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did 
GA: The Rose Human Specifically 
TT: oh, yeah. 
TT: that’s me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say. 
TT: i am the queen of books. 

I’M FUCKING CRYING HOLY DAMN. WHAT KIND OF ROSE IMPRESSION IS THAT. JOHN IS A SHAM. He isn’t even trying. 

GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements 
GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful 
TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh 
TT: i’m so burned, these burns are crazy. 
TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?? 
TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we’re just going to all be friends at some point anyway. 

Oh. So John was the one proposing friendship? That’s lame. I thought that Rose would eventually warm up to her and do it herself. Like John with CG, you know? I feel a little bad for GA.

GA: Have We Spoken Before 
TT: i don’t know, uh, maybe??? 
TT: it’s hard to keep track with all your time nonsense. 
GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation 
TT: that’s because you guys always do things the hard way. 
TT: and the dumb way. 
GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works 
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like 

I did not find a plot hole. Plot hole has been sealed. With cement. Never to be seen again.

TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. 
TT: you look kind of like… 
TT: howie mandel from little monsters. 
TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. 
TT: because he was a big goofy adult. 
TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. 
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest 

FRED SAVAGE AS THE LAST FINAL VILLAIN. He and Jack Noir fistbump as they spread destruction wearing ridiculous hats.

TT: no, it’s a movie. 
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it’s awesome, which it is. 
GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things 
GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To 
GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is 

OH SNAP. Well, things would be all snapping and stuff if the accusation actually reached Rose, that is.

TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it’s really nicely knitted and everything. 
TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right. 

JOHN. Rose will read this conversation and bop you in the head with her backup ball of yarn. He is awfully quick to assume that everybody is in love with everybody. Love is a simple thing for John Egbert. Well, then again everything is a simple thing for John Egbert.

GA: Uh Okay 
TT: heh, just kidding. i’m sure john knows it’s cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here! 

He regret saying that! He didn’t want to dismiss Rose’s present like that! Aww. I just… John is… and Rose… That’s too much cuteness, this needs to stop.

TT: why don’t you talk to john? 
GA: Maybe 
GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him 
TT: oh man, i don’t know. 
TT: why don’t you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable? 
TT: you know that’s what you’re gonna do anyway. 
GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart 
GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics 
GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here 
GA: Kind Of Irritating 
GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades 
GA: This John Human 
GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On 
TT: ok. 
TT: if you talk to him in the past… 
TT: he’ll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he’ll be confused. 
TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don’t know. 
TT: and if you talk to him in the future… 
TT: he’ll probably know all this stuff, like things you’ve said to him but haven’t said yet! 
TT: and then you’ll be confused. 
TT: sorry, that’s just how this works. 
TT: don’t say i didn’t warn you! 
GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter. 
GA: Until Next Time Rose 
GA: Next Time In The Past 
TT: yeah, bye! 
TT: (heheheheheheh) 

Yes, I couldn’t believe my eyes either but he is typing out giggles and sending them to the person he has just finished pranking. This is the exact reason why John can’t even attempt to properly troll people. The only one he can troll is CG. ….And he has been surprisingly good at it so far?? Trolling CG is really entertaining tho. 

HOLY RAVIOLI. Wow, this is kind of a grim place. 

There she is. GC. Happily strolling around. With a cane too. Maybe she really is blind. Maybe I’m being too paranoid with her.

OH MY GOD. NEW TROLLS.

HELLO, WHO ARE YOU IN THE RIGHT CORNER?!?? WHOSE HORNS ARE THOSE??

HELLO YOU IN THE OTHER CORNER, WHO ARE Y— Probably AT. I mean, look at those horns. I should hope there is no one with horns bigger than his.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] 

TWO TROLLS TALKING TO EACH OTHER. TA. TwinArmageddon. Obviously their astrological sign is Gemini.

GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network 
GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport 
TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up. 

I’M NOT READING THIS SHIT. No way. I’ll just skip over their text. Forever. And hope it’s not relevant. Wow, they are really bringing the duality thing to the next level. With the 2 and the ii. Wait. 2 I…? Like 2 of themselves? Hmmm. No, okay. Probably reading too much into things.

TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea. 
TA: pre22 F1. 
GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key 
TA: liie2. 

I already love their dynamic. I love everybody’s dynamic. And if she could solve this by reading through the help section she would have done it already.

TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood. 
TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. 
TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. 
TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit. 

Setting parallels with Dave, I see?

TA: 2o go away. 
GA: You Used To Like To Talk More 
GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense 
GA: So I Dont Know What Happened 
TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie. 
TA: and no one beliieved me. 
TA: and now look at you all. 
TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY. 

OH NO! That… must have been awful. But honestly. Who would believe a thirteen y/o kid rambling about the incoming apocalypse. You gotta understand. Although you are free to say “ii told you 2o” on and on and on to those bunch of non-believers. Point is that saying that as you watch civilization crumble on your planet sounds like a douche move.

GA: Then Why Are You Doing This 
GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us 
TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit. 
TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way. 
TA: kiind of juveniile. 
TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok. 
TA: 2ee the menu up top? 
TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport. 

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!! HELLO, HACKER GUY!!!!

GA: I Did Fiddle With It 
GA: To No Avail 
TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. 

I completely, wholeheartedly agree. Ninety percent of being good with computers is fiddle around them until you KO them. Then you repeat the process and figure out where you fucked up. 

And you can see entire galaxies in those…. I already said those exact same words?? With Dave!! Who is this? Troll Dave Strider??

Pfffft. He has the F1 key.

SHE has the F1 key. We’re really kicking those parallels with the trolls, huh? So GA is Rose and TA is Dave??

He has two sets of horns. And two sets of frontal teeth. But those are 3D glasses and so you disappointed your whole family, fathers, mother, siblings, the whole dynasty. Yes, he has two fathers and two mothers, shush.

Red and blue glasses, and two shoes of different colors too! Buddy, make up your mind. Oh, and hello to CG in the corner too. I can’t see his face but I can tell he’s pissed. ALSO I said this before and I repeat it now. GET SOME SLEEP. Those aren’t even bags under your eyes, they are effing functional pockets. That is not even post game stress because they had them before playing too. At least CG did.

[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam.

Ooooooh, those songs are all really good. Dave and Rose drop some hella ill moves. Cal keeps moving even though thERE ARE NO FLASHSTEPPING BROTHERS NEARBY HOLY HECK

Rose has been in Lil Cal’s “company” for about two minutes and she is already done with it. Dave could learn a thing or two.

OH MY GOD. BLESS. BLESS ROSE LALONDE. MAY SHE ALWAYS BE CHERISHED AND REVERED. 

> Rose: First, be the pony. Second, follow Mom. 

Let’s see what MOM is up to.

Those are very similar to the inscriptions in Jade’s from temple!!

You go in the ruins. Your clopping hooves echo throughout the cavernous and foreboding environment. But you are too stupid to be nervous. 

Your powerful snout detects the scent of Rose’s MOM. She went this way.

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!! What exactly was her job before this apocalypse mess. Because I’m getting suspicious. Was she an hitwoman or something?! A professional spy??? 

> Maplehoof: Collect grist. 

MAPLEHOOF NO!!! That is absolutely useless for you!

You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose’s GRIST CACHE. 

This is entirely too much grist of too many exotic types for such a low level player. But you’ll take it. You don’t look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo. 

The grist overflow is gathered by the GRIST GUTTER utility supplied by GRIST TORRENT. It is stored and gradually redirected to other players.

Oh, that’s okay then. WAIT, NO. Everybody but Jade. Not only she enters the game in two decades, the others will also have so much grist that they will be able to create anything. And nothing for Jade. :(

Where is she disappearing to now? And how can someone that drunk even look so composed and classy?? More mysteries. So many mysteries.

> John: First, be the hat. Second, find dad. 

JOHN should find DAD, not the stupid hat.

You settle in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat. 

He gathers the clean hat, along with a shoe he found through similarly serendipitous means to replace one he lost.

Well, it’s still nice to know that in some way John and his dad are communicating. ç.ç

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

OKAY. Everybody calm down. …What do you mean I’m the only one panicking here. It’s for good reasons, shush. If only…. they met… and… I dunno… I’m not saying Grandpa should walk over, pat DAD on the back and say something like “Hello, son. Long time no see” BUT IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF HE DID. I just want evidence… that the two are related… I don’t ask for much. Even something subtle will be just fine…

“You want yer book back, don’t ya? Come at me, young man.”

He is gonna follow him! CONFIRMED. GRANDPA AND DAD ARE FATHER AND SON CONFIRMED. Wow, that sounded really idiotic. I just want the Harleys and the Egberts to be related. Really badly. Gimme a break.

……..CONFIRMED.

Where is he going now. Where are all the guardians disappearing to?? If you don’t stay in one place your kids will never find you!!! And DAD follows him, of course. Always follow your heart Colonel Sassacre books, kids.