yet another homestuck liveblog.

4/8/2015 12:58:06 AM ¶ ●

Well, at least we kept the universe alive.

TW: Badassery ensues. (Just one word: Snowman.)

>Mary: Liveblog all of The Intermission. Do it now.

And the day has come, in which I finally find out what this famed intermission is all about. The day you guys finally stop pestering me about how relevant it is. I SHALL FIND OUT AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.

This better be interesting, and by interesting I mean the it better feature The Midnight Crew. We got a very green… residence?? palace?? mansion?? Under a very purple sky.

YEAAAHHH. Here he is, here he freaking is. He wears a more suitable hat for the occasion. I’m not used to seeing him in such a businessman attire. However, the “what did I do to deserve this” expression is still there. Pissed no matter the time or the place. It’s his personal mantra. Spades Slick/Jack Noir/Whoever the heck he really is/’s mantra. Pick your choice.

THAT REMINDS ME:

Objectives of this intermission:

Finding out if Jack Noir and Spades Slick are the same person, evil twins or whatever the heck they are.
Are the members of the Midnight Crew part of Homestuck? I stand by my previous claim. They absolutely are. Will this intermission change my idea? Will I figure out why everyone is so obsessed with this intermission? More questions and possibly even an half-assed answer at eleven, STAY TUNED!
WHERE ARE THEY? I need place and time. On Earth? In the Medium?? ON MARS?? Wherever they are, it’s very green. ~~So not Mars.~~

Oh, and The Felt should be part of Homestuck! I had forgotten about the green dudes! Also we’ve got a loathsome boss now!

Seems like a good idea. I mean… This Lord English is apparently effing loaded. Also, he seems to like green a lot. Does the lighting make everything appear green or everything IS green? That would make it degenerate into weird obsession. Not that we don’t have enough of them already.

I LIKE HIM. He gives me a good vibe. Not in the sense that he is a good guy, I MEAN THAT HE HAS MUCH POTENTIAL TO BE A GOOD CHARACTER!

Did they… get through the door with an explosion? That is not even a carpet, it’s a POOL TABLE. What!?

And there is an awful lot of clo—

I guess that’s another way of calling them…?

They probably HEARD you enter and are preparing an ambush? It’s not like you guys were trying to take them by surprise.

Chaptalogue? Dude doesn’t know what chaptalogue even means. Step up your game, suggestions’ suppliers.

I TOLD YOU SO. Now you get the insults.

OH, MY GODNESS! He stores two cards as a weapon! The cruelty! Think of all the papercuts he has inflicted on his enemies as they asked for mercy! It’s too much, I cannot watch this!

He might be the pseudo-protagonist of the Intermission like John is the pseudo-protagonist of Homestuck but I think the similarities stop here! He doesn’t look like some dork now, does he? You guys can get John to build thousands of other forts when we get back to him.

Wow, if he indeed is in The Medium, keep him away from time players!

4/1000??!!!? The intermission is not just watching this dude destroying all the clocks he encounters, right?

It’s a rug? I thought it had a mechanism to draw it from the floor? I was kinda hoping that The Midnight Crew and The Felt might settle everything up through a nice game of pool. Who wins gets the content of English’s vault, ya know?

…Should I take the Mars possibility more seriously? After all, the trolls have been hinted to be aliens… Well, “hinted to” is not the right word, more like I chose to remain skeptical. The jury is still out on that one.

Jack Noir knew about humans, though?? Maybe they’re not the same person? Or maybe this is just set in the past? When he wouldn’t know what humans were yet?

Not anything eyebrow-raising, absolutely n— WHOOOOOAAAA. WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA.

HELL FUCKING YEAH, BARCODE TATTOO. Okay, so he is in The Medium. Part of the Black Army. Same species as our fellows carapace-furnished friends. WAIT. NOPE. FUCK. Not in The Medium?? I doubt they have casinos in the Dark Kingdom. Ugh. We’ll just have to wait and see. I mean… I will wait and see.

He likes his hats plain, sorry. He might or might not get some pyromaniac tendencies when fancy hats are in sight though. You have been warned. He gets particularly amenable If YOU are the one doing the burning.

Why conceal them? Why not SHARE?! He is getting dangerously close to the dork status. A shame, I had great hopes for him.

GREAT HOPES… FADING INTO THE DARK VOID… OR THE GREENISH VOID… Since everything is freaking green in the intermission.

I’m beginning to suspect that a character that is not a dork does in fact not exist in this webcomic.

Okay, but if he was in the Dark Kingdom… Wouldn’t he have seen Rose and Dave there? Therefore knowing about humans?? They did have towers designed just for them, after all… I’M CONFUSED.

IT’S FUCKING BLINKING AT ME. FREAKING CREEPY. It should probably be worse for Spades Slick though. Because he is literally an alien creepily staring into his eyes.

WAIT TILL HE NOTICES THIS CLOCK. Welp, this was a nice laptop. It’s too bad it’s going to be set on fire sometime soonish.

Mr. Slick, with all due respect for your hard-boiled gangster lifestyle, YOU GOTTA SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND READ IT! Honestly, you cannot rush these things, even I don’t understand shit half of the time.

Oh. I thought he would go for something more violent, actually.

LIKE THIS, YEAH.

An alternative version:

Their hats have the design of the fifteen pool balls. Their body is the fucking color of the pool table’s cloth (WHICH IS ALSO REFERRED TO AS FELT).

TIME SHENANIGANS. Okay, the good news is that I absolutely love time shenanigans, the bad news is that it doesn’t mean I don’t have an exceptionally hard time figuring them out. Oh, and remember how Dave had a poster of these dudes in his room?? He probably likes time travel and such! Because he is gonna be the Knight of Time! He is naturally predisposed! I think Dave will make a great Knight. See, all these little details and the way in which apparently nothing is a coincidence are really charming.

ITCHY (1) has given you the slip repeatedly.

It’s almost like he gets itchy feet when he sees you. Damn.

DOZE (2) you’ve captured and interrogated just as repeatedly, to no avail.

Known to doze off during interrogations. What gives?!

TRACE (3) has broken into your secret hideout more times than you can count

You can’t even track him down. Dude doesn’t leave any traces, it’s incredible.

while FIN (5) always seems to be a step ahead of you and scoops your heists.

This guy once managed to leave you without even a five-dollar bill. Rude.

CLOVER (4) has all the intel and is highly cooperative. You might need him to crack the vault. He’ll be guarded.

The lucky bastard. You wonder if he has any sort of charm on himself… Like maybe the four leaf of some plant, plant whose name is— Damn, it’s on the tip of your tongue. Oh, yeah. Bamboo plants, obviously. The four green bamboo shots. Obviously.

Best to avoid DIE (6) in any direct confrontations unless you want a temporal mess on your hands.

Honestly, you never know what to expect with this fellow. It’s like throwing a die or something. It is rumored that he even managed to deep-six someone once.

And you might need to if you can’t kill SAWBUCK (10) with a clean shot.

Sawbuck and Fin are best friends but Fin says that the guy thinks too highly of himself, like he is worth more of Fin or something. One time he said that one would need two Fins to get someone as strong as— OH, FUCKING DAMMIT. Fin is number five and Sawbuck is ten. I quit.

LOOK AT THIS ABOMINATION:

…..This intermission is not just an outlet for a demonstration of Andrew Hussie’s punning abilities, RIGHT?!

Eggs is obviously the strongest and smartest. Look at that face. Those focused eyes, the slightly agape mouth. He leaves no room for imprecision.

And Slick, you’re missing a certain someone. Number Eight.

OH, PLEEEEAAASE. Lord English’s appearance is anything but mysterious. There is only one ball missing here. Take a guess? I will use my incredible artistic abilities to make a fanart of him and 8.

This is my first fanart!!!! I accept tips for improvement! I know it is almost impossible to topple this quality, but you can try.

OOOOHHH, I know why, I know why!!! Snowman is probably only killable under certain circumstances!

Pocketing the 8 ball

Once all of a player’s or team’s group of object balls are pocketed, they may attempt to sink the 8 ball. To win, the player (or team) must first designate which pocket they plan to sink the 8 ball into and then successfully pot the 8 ball in that called pocket. If the 8 ball falls into any pocket other than the one designated or is knocked off the table, or a foul (see below) occurs and the 8 ball is pocketed, this results in loss of game. Otherwise, the shooter’s turn is simply over, including when a foul such as a scratch occurs on anunsuccessful attempt to pocket the 8 ball. In short, a World Standardized Rules game of eight-ball, like a game of nine-ball, is not over until the “money ball” is no longer on the table.

Or literally after everyone else is killed. Doing otherwise would result in the Midnight Crew’s demise! …Most likely.

Also interesting:

Sidespin (english)

The term english (called “side” in the UK, and sometimes simply called “left” or “right”, and sometimes “check side” for side that narrows the cue ball angle after contacting a rail, and “running side” for side that widens the cue ball angle after contacting a rail) normally refers to sidespin put on a cue ball by hitting it to the left or right of center. Generally, english is used to change the angle of reflection of the cue ball after it contacts a rail. English also affects the direction an object ball takes on impact (the “throw” effect), as well as the path of travel of the cue ball after impact with a cue (“deflection” or “squirt”).

English as in Lord English. It’s a cue sports technique. Though I’m not sure what it means. Maybe because he gives order to the others? Gives them directions? Maybe I will understand better when I see him? Also “killing”/pocketing the cue ball makes you automatically lose. So I suggest that The Midnight Crew stays away from him.

I….. Well, huh. Some of those routes bring you back to where you started, Slick. And I’m perplexed by the red one. Do you just smash walls until you get to your destination? OR A SECRET PASSAGE!!!

Nope, the way he stores items is the most nonsensical thing I’ve ever seen. I would gladly return to John’s Queuestack Array modus.

SLICK! SOMEONE HAS BEEN DESTROYING CLOCKS! WITHOUT YOUR SUPERVISION! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

Yup, that could even be YOUR blood.

APPARENTLY. And I guess he could be the one who destroyed those in the first place.

I’m telling you, this Doze guy sleeps on the job. No wonder he gets captured. Someone should tell Lord English that a pay cut is in order.

REALLY NOW? REALLY?!

Oh, my! The light pressure of that horrible edgeless object on the soft skin of his knee! It would make even the cruelest villain sing like a birdie!

HE SLOWS TIME ONLY FOR HIMSELF?? That’s more like an handicap he’s imposing on himself. Like… self-hatred at its finest.

Well, I guess he feels the pain very very slowly… WHICH IS EVEN FREAKING WORSE?! It’s like torture—OH. I guess Deuce is not that off the track then. Only he should clear his schedule for the next two weeks so he can at least one word from Doze. Make that a month for a coherent period. A gap year for a confession. I’m sure Slick will understand if you ask nicely. He might even encourage you to leave. It might seem he’s trying to get rid of you in the beginning but believe me, Deuce, it’s for the good of the team.

What… does that even mean…? What?!

I can tell he and Slick do not get on very well. At all. Slick probably destroys clocks as his companion watches to enjoy the look of horror on Deuce’s face. True friendship here.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING DORK.

WHY???!!!?? You know, I think I get why Slick looks always so pissed now. He’s probably on the verge of a mental breakdown, being in charge of someone like you.

I think he is… kind of frowning right now…? No wait, he was like that before too. I say you should give up, little dude.

ITCHY MAKES HIS RIGHTFUL ENTRANCE. A very fast entrance. Very very fast, BRO’s levels of fast. Did he free his friend?

FOR A MOMENT I FEARED HE HAD DROPPED THAT THING WHILE ITCHY WAS UNDER IT. I FREAKED OUT.

There is one black hat too many. Somewhere, another member of The Midnight Crew is swearing he will wreak revenge. Or just wreak Itchy in general.

He is slowing down time ONLY FOR HIMSELF. You can’t even call it a chase, Deuce. You could take a trip around the whole mansion and even stop to gently caress every clock you find, have a chat with Snowman and Lord English, return and he wouldn’t have moved an inch.

It was Slick’s hat, and he is pissed. But honestly, when is he NOT? He’s accomplishing nothing more than smashing clocks. Seriously, reconsider your priorities, man.

Slick, you clever sonuvabitch, are you trying to do what I think you are trying to do?

(I’m definitely resorting to use only Nicolas Cage for reaction pics, you cannot stop me.)

ITCHY! You can’t fall for this kind of trap. Although it’s hard not to when it was meant to make you trip. (I am angry because there is a perfect Italian word for what Slick just did, but an English translation of it doesn’t exist.)

NOT A DORK. HE IS NOT A DORK. I MISJUDGED, I’M SO SORRY. ITCHY, RUN!!! RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!! It kind of does, actually…

NOOOOOOO! I liked Itchy!

So he DOES plan to kill Snowman too— No wait, nope. He included Lord English, didn’t he?

They are not in The Medium. In a city. Which was before a deserted land. Mmmmhh. We HAVE seen inhabitants of The Medium in deserted lands before…. I think I’ve got an idea but I want to search for more proof first.

The first other emotion this dude shows beside rage and it is relief over his scotty dogs.

I like how they all know each other so well. It’s like a get-together between old friends. Only one of them is a psycho assassin with a vendetta itinerary.

DID HE EVEN MOVE AT ALL??? Itchy died for nothing. Shame on you, Doze. Shame on you.

NOT ONLY THE ARMS, NOW THE RANDOM SPLOTCHES OF OIL ARE IN THE INTERMISSION TOO!

…..

……………Excuse me, but

I SWEAR TO GOD

EVEN THE FUCKING OIL HAS A MEANING WHAT THE HELL

I HAVE TO CHECK SOMETHING, BRB.

GOD

DAMMIT.

THE PANELS WERE EDITED SOME TIME AFTER BEING POSTED. AND ADAPTED TO NEW EVENTS OF THE STORY.

So the arms probably DO come out of some sort of portal. Okay, this doesn’t add much to my previous theory, someone is messing up with space powers while they are trying to accomplish something. The question is WHO are they and WHAT are they doing? Maybe they were trying to get to just one place but messed up and showed up in various point? I do still think they are searching for something, the hand looks like it’s trying to reach for something, so they had a specific place in mind. Maybe they are not very well-versed with their powers?? IS THAT YOU, JADE??!! ~~I’m telling you, she is trying to get back the bass she lost in the frog temple.~~

As for the oil, I’ve got no idea. Why should splotches of oil that weren’t in a place before show up later on? Unless John was cleaning up his house with Jade’s help and she distributed it across the whole universe. Hey, that’s not that wild of a theory, I like it!

DID HE JUST THROW A BOMB AT HIM?! He just threw a bomb at him. FUCKING WONDERFUL, DEUCE. WHY DON’T YOU JUST BLOW THE PLACE UP.

THIS PUN MAKES ME EXCEPTIONALLY ANGRY.

He has… Itchy’s hat on. I’m not sure how I feel about that after he died.

And a trail of freshly spilled blood!

*tips hat* Mystery Arm, we meet again.

WHAT. How about you all learn about respect for the dead?!

I don’t know why but I found this really fucking funny for some reason and laughed for about three minutes.

Oh, dear. It’s about to get complicated, isn’t it? Should I take some notes?

That’s not a very fair approach! Also, what is Deuce doing here? Doesn’t he have a fugitive to catch? Doze probably managed to move a few inches! And he might want to stay away from his friends since he has a freaking bomb under his hat, just saying.

Oh, so Deuce is following Trace around. But won’t Trace notice? If he can see Droog’s trail in the past can’t he also see Deuce’s? THIS IS EFFING CONFUSING.

I say that for the sake of avoiding a paradox you should follow the trail of blood anyway and find out if it was you.

I LIKE THIS GUY’S STYLE.

You do not just HAPPEN to have a thing like that lying around, dude. Also, they never remember how they got stuff picturing humans.*pondering humming intensifies*

Wait these BULL PENIS CANES are a thing that exists?

OOOOH, GROSS!! DEUCE, THAT’S SO GROSS!!

This intermission is going to give me an headache sometime soon. I can feel it.

I’m pretty sure Itchy is bleeding over the carpet near a pissed off Slick right now??!?

Looks like someone is going to get their ass handed to them very soon~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

THE SWIFT MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT ACCEPT DEFEAT.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? That thing looks suspiciously similar to a voodoo doll.

Hey! It looks like every pin he has used represents the death of someone in the timeline he switches to. Now, THIS is a cool power. Or it would be if he didn’t cross paths with one hateful Spades Slick.

I’M SURE HE WILL. I’M SO SURE. There are more possibilities of Doze winning a marathon.

He is not dead, HE’S NOT DEAD. You can make it, Die! Jesus, how do you plan to survive more than three panels with a name like that!

No, wait. I like Slick a lot. If you switch timeline, I’m staying here with him. A universe without Spades Slick is a boring universe, anyway.

PFFFFTAHAAHAHAHA. Oh, dear. I had forgotten.

JOKES ASIDE NOW, IT’S SERIOUS THEORY TIME!!!!!

Look at the background, ignore the rest for now.

Now look at this:

Notice any similarities? The latter is post-apocalyptic Earth.

The ruins of a city in the background? A deserted land???

And Spades Slick, which just so happens to be a member of Black Army, lived here when there was just the desert.

Reminds me of a certain other planet, and a certain other black dude, although a way less violent one, years in the future (but not many) after the apocalypse. An apocalypse brought by a game.

We’ve watched four kids in particular so far, bring the apocalypse on their planet. But it is also true that twelve other kids showed up, bringing with them the shame of also destroying their planet, and certainly not trying to hide it, the only difference lies in the fact that the planet they destroyed is not the Earth.

YES, I’M ADMITTING DEFEAT, THEY’RE ALIENS. And this would have been quite the shocking development if it wasn’t for the fact that the kids already made it clear but I just refused to believe it. But hey, better late than never! And this is/will be, supposedly, their home planet after the apocalypse.

There is also a very pink/purple planet in the background. It has a little moon. And a green planet. They are kind of very close to each other.

WHAT. Friendly reminder that DAD beat our version of this dude senseless.

I LIKE THIS ONE TOO. I like them all, help.

I really, really like Hussie’s narrative style in this intermission. I hope we can get something like this again.

Have you tried setting the hands on four and thirteen? You should. But seriously, just get Stitch or someone else to do it for you.

I love how they understand and acknowledge The Felt’s time shenanigans but choose to just ignore them altogether, for the sake of their sanity.

OOOHHH, GODDAMMIT, BOXCARS!

Now, because of your stupid kink, I will have to tag this post as NSFW and all kinds of questionable blogs will follow me!

I swear he sounds like he’s talking about BRO’s smuppets. He would invest thousands of dollars in his website. The two of them should meet.

OOOOHHH, COME ON. GROSS!!! READ A FUCKING BIBLE, GO TO CHURCH!!

If the dude comes out of the oven, I quit.

JESUS. They’re a bunch of morons.

If he times up with Eggs, however… Biscuits and Eggs… Such an high calorie snack! Stay wary of these foes, Boxcars. Keep your beautiful figure.

Poor guy, he is raising the white flag. Give him a break.

This is… an incredible mess. Uhm. Droog is following the blood trail. Trace was following Droog’s past trail, but then he saw Deuce’s trail. Deuce is following Trace himself THEY WILL FUCKING END UP FOLLOWING EACH OTHER.

You know what? I take comfort in the fact that Droog shares my pain.

Old enemy fights, or PASSIONATE NIGHTS?! The mystery shall remain.

Fin is about to get punched in the face. And he set it up all by himself.

A LITTLE WORSE THAN GETTING PUNCHED. And I guess now we know who the owner of the bloody trail is.

~ DEAD CIVILIZATION ~ Can you hear this sound? It’s the sound of one of my theories SMOOTHLY SAILING for once, you guys!

Man, I really like Spades Slick. Like a lot.

there hE GOES. THE DOLL RUSE WAS A……….. DISTACTION

……If I resort to using SBAHJ references as a meme ever again, please make Tumblr delete this blog. I do apologize for this one time. I am deeply sorry.

Oh, wow. Just, wow. Slick has got it all figured out. We got a voodoo doll now. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A PIN FOR LORD ENGLISH, YOU DUMBASS. Also I’ve got an awful feeling that they didn’t really plan this through. You just break into the mansion of a dude who is indestructible?? Killable only through a spacetime glitch?? And you don’t have any kind of power or gun which can help you?? That’s pretty dumb. Slick has this horrible tendency of rushing into things without a plan. WHICH MEANS THAT JACK NOIR ALSO HAS IT. *scribbles notes*

Ah, yes. The Homestuck intermission, all sunshine and rainbows AND BLOODSHED AND ARSON. And aliens’ planets, let’s not forget the aliens’ planets.

You see, the thing is… I like to empathize with Droog, but I can’t. Because he may ignore time shenanigans but he also understands them completely, while I simply pretend to.

HAHA! This was a dig to the readers but I had figured that out already! Jokes on you, Hussie, jokes on you. ~~When will this happen again? Never, I suppose.~~

dEUCE YOU ARE A FUCKING DIGRACE OF A MAN

aaaaaaaand Boxcars is screwed. Nobody will ever find him. I’m sorry, man. Your friend here is a goddamn idiot. You shall be remembered as the most glamorous member of the crew. Droog and his tailored suits might disagree but I don’t give a damn.

Deuce is now following the blood trail. Which means he is following Fin.

How come The Felt knows what a man is but Slick & Co. don’t?? Who are these guys anyway? WHERE DO THEY EVEN COME FROM?? I just… never thought too much of it. But I can’t just overlook it. Do we have an equivalent of them in our kids’ session? Are they even related to Sburb or are they just an alien race?

WASN’T THERE A BOMB UNDER IT?!

…………………THERE WAS.

Rest in fucking pieces, moronic green dudes.

Do not worry about the screams of anguish you can hear in the distance. Despite what you may think, it is not me. I’m definitely not getting extremely frustrated over this. The whole situation doesn’t even touch me. Relieved to hear that my mental sanity is indeed still intact, you may now return to your read.

……………………..I LIED.

In the name of sWEET JESUS AND HIS TWELVE APOSTLES GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT BEFORE I THROW SOMETHING AT MY MONITOR

……I won’t survive this intermission. If anybody finds this post in my drafts, spread my word. Do not let me die in vain. I will be famous as “The Girl who did not make it to the Fourth Act.” But more important than my fame, will be my clear message to any future Homestuck liveblogger or casual reader: “BEWARE OF THE INTERMISSION, and of what lies underneath the lovely appearence of its characters. It draws you in, but YOU SHAN’T EVER RAISE AGAIN TO SEE THE MORNING LIGHT— Am I getting ridiculous? Yes, I’m getting ridiculous, MOVING ON.

I find it really weird?? It’s stuck on 10:10.

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, PLEASE I NEED A POV SWITCH. I NEED IT NOW. At least I finally understood that Deuce’s problem (one of them) is that he has ADHD.

This brings back memories. I miss WV. I wonder of he and PM are still alive or what?

Awww, you do not hate time travel, Boxcars! You hate these two dudes’ time shenanigans! Well, Eggs’ time shenanigans. Biscuits hides in an oven.
That’s all he does. …BISCUITS IN THE OVEN OH DAMMIT.

Aaayyyyy. Who are you, cute little dude? I’m just minding my own business and idly pointing out that that clock is stuck on 4:13.

Imagine Slick finally getting to the vault and between his treasure and him there is only this little dude. Proposing time riddles. Giggling.

SS: Droog, hold my hat for a moment.
DD: What are you—
SS: I don’t wanna get any blood of it.

*screams of agony as Clover gets murdered off screen*

SS: There. Riddle solved. Now, I do hope that munching sound I’m hearing is not related in any way to my scotty dogs. Right, Droog?!
DD: *gulps ruefully*

Do not just GIGGLE at that??!! That’s fucking evil??

Cairo overcoat?….He has got some questionable fashion tastes. Ugh. Also, If he can be killed only by spacetime glitches, I swear he will end up dead thanks to his own subordinates.

Such a beautiful dynamic that they have.

I actually understood that. This intermission is fucking me up.

Droog, afraid to tell you Fin is still alive and kicking. Well, not really kicking, more like he is dragging himself around but still.

THEY HAVE GOT MANNEQUINS WHICH REFLECT THEIR ACTUAL PHYSICAL CONDITION. ITCHY AND DIE ARE BURNED.

…death. Well, I’m sorry Fin but you fit the "Too Dumb to Live” trope perfectly.

Oh, no. My Deuce-free break has officially ended!

It’s incredible how the most prominent feature is the one invisible to the naked eye.

HE DONE FUCKED UP. I JUST MET YOU, STITCH, BUT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE ALREADY.

Really, Droog? Really?? There is a bomb here and a gun aimed to your friend’s head and that his your only concern?!

GO, STITCH! FUCK THEM UP!

I had great hopes for you, Stitch! Such a let down. Meanwhile Droog keeps making a show of just how much of a dork he really is. The Midnight Crew is just picking up objects and people at random. “This may help to deal with English” and “This other one could be useful”. You do not look very prepared nor professional. Also you got no idea how to deal with the dude, do you?

Slick finally gave up and is going to ask for help from the professionals.

And off to another timeline we go!

“Just let me live in a word without that dude for a sec. Let me live the dream, I will be back… maybe." He really hates him, doesn’t he?

…Even you’re not that crazy? What would be the consequences? Ominous much?

FUCKING FINALLY. Took you long enough, huh?

REVEAL YOURSELF.

BREAKING NEWS: SNOWMAN IS A LADY AND I’M A FUCKING IDIOT WHO KEEPS MISGENDERING EVERYONE. She’s black, tho?

That’s impossible. He’s constantly squinting menacingly. To keep the vicious gangster look on, ya know? Or he’s just short-sighted and can’t see very we—

OOOOH!!! OH, SHIT! OH, SNAP! OH, DEAR! DID SHE REALLY JUST WENT AND CASUALLY BLINDED HIM?? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Stylish but illegal. She just walks away.

Look at Droog’s face he looks so totally done like "there they go at it again” IT’S MAJESTIC

AND SLICK JUST STANDING THERE. THIS WHOLE FLASH IS FUCKING AMAZING.

WHAT. WAIT, WHAT?! LIKE, THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. YOU DESTROY IT. IF YOU KILL HER.
…………………….I was thinking about more meaningless consequences. For real?? The universe??? How does that even work??? What if you only hurt her instead of killing her? Does the universe get hurt? What? And if she gets a cold? Does the universe get a cold too? …These are the sort of incredibly logical remarks one makes while liveblogging Homestuck.

Hey, she has like… reverse immortality. Because nobody would ever kill her.

So if you don’t kill him with one clean shot, you jump to a random point in the timeline.

I thought you needed him to fix your main timeline??? Help out Boxcars?? Who’s about to get submerged by clones of Eggs and Biscuits?? That rings any bell??

WHOOOOOOOAAAAAA. YUP!!! I WAS RIGHT!

Hey there, future Spades Slick, how is it going? Enjoy your right eye’s vision while it lasts!!

Do you guys think if we give PM, WV and AR some time they will build a city too? Beside Can Town, I mean. With all respect to WV as a major.

I don’t think that is a very good idea.

YOU’RE JUST BRINGING MORE ENEMIES BACK WITH YOU. It’s getting more and more clear that they have no idea what they’re doing or about to do. Which is partially why I don’t what is happening or what is about to happen.

YOU ONLY JUST NOTICED THAT.

AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHH. You’re all in this together, Slick. Plus this is all your fault anyway.

Seriously? Dave did better than that and it wasn’t even intentional. IS THAT PAST!SLICK IN THE IN THE BACKGROUND?!

This is getting too meta to handle, seriously. Though, I don’t mind the concept of meeting and talking to your past and future selves. It’s really cool.

And so a stable time loop was created.

Because you’ve got to do it in the future. Take note.

Someone put him out of his misery.

Three to go plus Lord English. Although I think that one will be more of an hassle. And since we want to keep the universe intact, we better leave Snowman alone. YOU GOT IT, SLICK?

They made him make The Midnight Crew’s mannequins!

Ooohh, but why! He looked cooler with it. More hard-boiled, you know? Like John’s imps.

WAIT, NO. You’ve got the wrong eye! That’s the left one there!

I SHOULDN’T LAUGH AT HIS MISFORTUNES BUT I DEFINITELY AM.

……His sprite. So sprites flip? INTERESTING.

Something tells me… that you really shouldn’t say that. Because that sounds awfully like horrible, very horrible ironic foreshadowing.

One moment he is beheading enemies left and right and the other he does… THIS.

I’M LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD. OH MY GOD. I’m getting secondhand embarrassment. Snowman, go take your lance back and get out of his sight before he cries or something.

Slick, calm down. Your hate crush is showing. You got a weird obsession with the lady, I understand. She’s pretty out of your league, sorry buddy.

CLOVER IS FREAKING OUT. Run, you cute little shit, run!

You DO know that Boxcars is in that pile of bodies too, RIGHT?!

wATCH OUT, GUYS!!!!

There! He destroyed Eggs’ timer. Everything is sorted out. Now—

Excuse me? Who sent this suggestion, seriously….

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FREAKING HELL. DID HE JUST… EAT HIM?? Boxcars! What did I say about high calorie snacks! Eggs this late in the afternoon, too.

Biscuits on the other hand might be more suitable.

He just…. hides in the oven. Amazing.

OH, FUCK— Wait. The oven doesn’t even have any real properties.

They put dynamite in the oven.

Maybe it’s the fact that you’re cracking open his boss’ vault? Just making a guess. Bit in all these deaths and explosions, where is Lord English?! He can’t be out, he left his stylish Cairo Coat here.

Clover, you dumb fuck. Couldn’t you just stay hidden? They are destroying clocks left and right anyway.

I just stood with my ear glued to the speakers for five minutes wondering if my computer broke or something and—

AUTHOR, ONE DAY, I WILL FIND YOU. IT WON’T BE PLEASANT.

I’m surprised Slick hasn’t killed him yet. Not gonna last though. He just wants information out of him.

Whoa, Clover! How about you don’t fucking jinx it?!

You could have tickled him into surrender. Talk about missed opportunities!

Droog, what the heck. I thought you didn’t know what humans were. And now I really have to tag this as NSFW!

CLOVER, NO. Preserve your purity! Someone cover his eyes, QUICK!

But it is obviously Cans about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.

HE PUNCHED HIM IN THE NEXT WEEK. HE PUNCHES PEOPLE THOUGH TIME.

Sayonara, Boxcars. Now, Slick… What will you do?

We won’t see Boxcars for a year! Welp, we’ve got our version of the guy in the kid’s game session anyway …if DAD hasn’t killed him.

SLICK, NO! You’re gonna give Clover an heart attack! And probably kill everyone anyway!

I WAS KIDDING. I WAS JUST KIDDING. OH MY GOD. I WAS JUST FUCKING KIDDING. SLIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD REALLY HAPPEN!

Snowman is alive though.

“Everyone’s dead except for you and you know who.”

And so Lord English just became Voldemort. Should have known. John looked suspiciously similar to Harry Potter. Do we start looking for horcruxes?

…Maybe that is NOT English’s treasure.

Welp, in another timeline Droog would have covered that, BUT SINCE YOU KILLED EVERYONE.

Just use your cool tattoo, Slick. The moment has come.

GET ON WITH—

Oh.

WHAT.

OOOOHHH, SNAP. It’s the most badass lady on the planet! Probably the only lady on the planet.

SHE’S GOT A WHIP. That will sting, Slick, and your tattoo is not going anywhere, so trust me, COME BACK LATER.

ALL HAIL THE QUE—

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK. DO NOT TRUST ME EVER AGAIN.

Snowman!!!! Calm the fuck down!!! You’ve got a problem! You can’t just show up and severe arms like th— OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.

The transformation… IS COMPLETED. Smile for the screenshot, Slick. So…. Umh, after you figure out a way not to bleed to death, that is… How do you plan on entering? OH, WAIT. No prob. Flipping sprites shenanigans.

THIS INTERMISSION IS GIVING ME SO MANY SATISFACTIONS.

WHOA! He found his capsule? Took you long enough! You built a city first!

Remember what was in WV’s capsule??? The contraption that let him talk to the kids?? Showed him the kids??

Oooh, man. I’m not sure I’m ready. I mean… I could get to see the trolls! Or another alien race but c'mon, it’s the the troll kids. It’s probably wishful thinking, but there is a minimal possibility!

Bleeding all over the place. And that in the corner had better not be oil.

OOOOOH, YEEEESSSSSSS. THEY DON’T HAVE TENTACLES AT LEAST. Still pretty ugly, but I expected way worse. So they have grey skin? And yellow eyes and horns.

He prototyped a crab with more eyes than it should have. Which one is he anyway? I would go for CG, because carcino also means crab, but I’m not sure, could also be CA or CC. Because aquatic fauna, duh.

OOOOOH, MAN. They met in The Medium! Like Jade and PM! Nice!!!

Oh, no way. Yeah, REALLY ugly. I couldn’t see him very well in the tiny window. He looks like a vampire. Also stoned or something. Or just really tired. Get a nap, dude. Wait, no. Depends if there is a cruxiter tickling nearby or not.

Also, the cancer symbol on his t-shirt. Because aliens wear t-shirts. Makes sense. He is definitely CG. Nice to meet you, I guess???

WHAT. No! Already?! But I was meeting the trolls! And also! I didn’t even meet Lord English! Did he just die in the explosion or what?!? And I wanted to know where Snowman got off to! And what about Spades Slick? Will he find a first aid kit or just ignore his missing arm until he bleeds to death? UNFAIR!!! SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

Ugh. Well, I’ve got to see where the hell John ended up! And Rose! And Jade got her copies! So yeah, lot of nice stuff to look forward to but… I just wanted to see another troll? I was really starting to dig the intermission.

WELL, ACT 4 AWAITS!

4/19/2015 11:37:59 PM ¶ ●

Surprise, surprise. Grandpa Harley is back and ALIVE.

In which John finds out that shaving cream is flammable, Dave can’t control his bladder, Jade hits her grandpa’s booze, and Rose writes a poem about the incompetence of her co-players.

John finds himself in the Land of Wind and Shade! Well, “finds himself” is a manner of speaking, he has pretty much been here all along, only way higher up!

Okay, so we got a whole land to explore and somewhere here is DAD’s car (which we absolutely have to find because John’s server copy of Sburb is in it), also the unabridged version of Colonel Sassacre! John still has to read the first few pages with Nanna’s message and she for some reason decided to make everything more difficult and threw it away?? Because she is weird like that, I guess. (~~the truth is that she is the villain all along, that’s nanna, it’s her, the true final boss, screw chess pieces.~~)

Also, the constellation that dance beneath the clouds, they are just the fireflies! Nanna was feeling poetic.

I GET TO FIGHT THE IMPS????!! John, prepare to die five hundred times, I’m truly sorry, I’m very bad at this kind of games but I’m afraid that this won’t stop me from killing every one of those little bastards.

….Talk to you like what?! Unless grandma just created a Pesterchum account. Her chumhandle… gelasticCounselor. Sounds good. Although I like to think that the two of them are just shouting at each other while the imps nearby watch, perplexed. Even though they are too far, I guess??

BUT TO MORE IMPORTANT POINTS! This sheds light on a very important subject! Jade’s choice of prototyping can’t be Grandpa! If sprites cannot move from the location of their houses, Grandpa would be breaking all the rules! He just slay imps left and right, he staffed them, the giant ones too! But the point is that he not only killed Jade’s imps, but also Rose’s, Dave’s and John’s ones! That means he will/already has (?? what is this Intermission level of time bullshit??) travel from one planet to another! Please don’t ask me how though. Also he… randomly comes back to life… yeah…. Hell, maybe it’s some sort of bonus in the game, like… Jade gets through the Third Gate, handfuls of confetti greet her at her passage and BOOM. “END OF GATE THREE BONUS! Bring a loved one back to life! But choose wisely! You won’t get this proposal again!!” Okay, no but it would be cool. The End Gate Bonuses. Bringing Grandpa back is cool too.

The locals! I already know that they are salamanders! They apparently talk too. I’ve seen fireflies talk and cats supposedly whisper state secrets already so it’s not like it surprises me.

You do know she’s just going to reply with her coy laugh, right?

I’m beginning to think that this is not the harlequin in Nanna talking, but that she was just that much of a coy little shit in life. With all due respect to the elders. She is enjoying herself so much!

Okay so I’ll just cut to the most interesting stuff.

Let’s recapitulate! I will use Nanna’s info dump for reference!

Ahhh, I remember the times in which I didn’t undestand a thing of what she was blabbering. Now I understand about 35% of it. Amazing. Lots of progresses made.

AGENTS: There is the Archagent Jack Noir, then we have all the other members of The Midnight Crew, at least what is The Midnight Crew in the trolls session. They get on the kids’ planet and made “The Slumbering One” create a bunch of imps. Like… lots of them.

EXILES: WV, PM, AR and whoever the fourth one is. I don’t know why it took me so much time to figure this one out, really! There should be four of them like the kids. And if patterns mean anything in this webcomic, our latecomer should be a white lady. They ended up exiled on post-apocalyptic Earth for unknown reasons. ~~They refused to fight the war, DUUUHHH~~. It is unclear why our Agents ended up being Exiles in the trolls session.

CONSORTS: Our cute salamanders! They do not seem very smart but they give our protagonist some valuable information! Information that Nanna chose to withhold just because she was feeling mischievous. John’s reputation precedes him in the salamanders’ circles! It seems they regard him as a hero. Better not disappoint!

KERNELSPRITES: Well, DUH.

UNDERLINGS: Our feisty imps. The big ones also fall into this category.

DENIZENS: There is either a lot of people sleeping here or they are “The Slumbering Ones”. There should be one on every planet. Seems that the player’s objective is to defeat the “Final Boss” of their land. As a reward the planet will benefit from the player’s success. It would be also the first enemy that they have to fight to have an actual thought process. ALSO SPELLS. WIZARDS. Rose will ~~love~~ hate them.

This looks vaguely important. Vaguely. It’s not like it screams “PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” across the whole land. No, sir. Let’s clear things up so that we can have a nice chat with the salamander.

There, all better. I had to kill Jaspers’ evil doppelganger. We don’t want him to go around whispering our secrets in young ladies’ ears.

Aaaaand please pay attention to the Seven Gates!

The frog is supposed to be above them all. It is not very noticeable here but it is somewhere else:

Right from WV: Ascend!

And what is above The Seven Gates?? Nanna may refuse to answer, but she has already told us a lot about it!

Now my question is, and BELIEVE ME I’m NOT getting slightly angered about this, I’m SUPER CALM: ARE OUR KIDS RISKING THEIR LIVES OVER FUCKING FROGS. This is obviously symbolic. There are not literal frogs on Skaia, right?! What should I expect, a swampland when we get there?? And the salamanders worshiping them would even make sense! They would be kind of worshiping Skaia and what it represents! BUT NO, OBVIOUSLY SYMBOLIC, MOVING ON.

Also, it will take like 5 hundred acts to get there so I can relax. I don’t have to bother with this RIGHT NOW.

HOLY SMOKES??!!? IT’S THE DENIZEN!! Okay, everybody don’t panic. John, how about… you get away from the edge…. slowly slowly… and we seal that opening, so you can NEVER accidentally fall in it? Good, we can get back when you feel ready.

HOW IS THAT RELATED TO THE POSSIBILITY OF A DANGEROUS FINAL BOSS SO CLOSE THAT YOU CAN HEAR IT SNORE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, JOHN!

Nanna, this is fucking betrayal, you have moved over to the dark side, there is not redeeming for you now. I can’t believe this, they’re the same people who kidnapped your son!

Settle down, John. Don’t get too excited, she is on her own cool land now. As incredible as that may sound, Dave DID manage to get her there alive!

Other instances of Nanna trolling John endlessly:

And my personal favorite:

Also this may be the dumbest thing I have ever done while liveblogging:

WELL?? I DID NOT GET LOST FIVE TIMES WHILE TRYING TO BRING THIS DUMB FROG OVER HERE FOR NOTHING?!? THINKING WE WOULD GET AN EASTER EGG?! WHERE ARE THE FROG GODS DESCENDING TO GRANT JOHN A WISH?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?! John, let’s go, we shouldn’t lose more of our precious time on STUPID DUMBASS FROGS! We should follow the imps’ example and smash them all!!! (I got John killed two times for this, I feel kind of guilty now…)

I think that there weren’t other very important bits to report here so….

MOVING ON!

I don’t know what I expected.

3/1000 frogs desecrated.

Lil’ Wormy, you have no respect whatsoever for sacred items and/or salamander culture.

He actually managed to hit his objective?! He is getting TOO STRONG, he has to be eliminated. (Mystery Arm, you’re upside down, get a grip on reality.)

PM, I’m not saying that if you don’t work this out you guys are screwed but IF YOU DON’T WORK THIS OUT YOU GUYS ARE SCREWED.

Would you believe me if I told you that I had completely FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM?! He has been flying through the air for forty minutes, pretty sure it doesn’t even faze him anymore.

Is Serenity actively following him or was she hurled away by the explosion too? The poor thing, she never asked for any of this.

Someone falling from that height does not land with a freaking “FLOP”.

BEC, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS POOR MAN?! He is a wreck. Lost all dignity, trembling like a leaf, arms up, surrendering.

AR has seen Bec before…? Bec should have been in the Dark Kingdom or Skaia?! I guess he could have just teleported there. But why would AR feel threatened? Yeah, Bec is an omnipotent dog with ambiguous origins but still. He has been pretty pacific so far. I doubt he could aggrieve someone or anything if they had seen each other before. But he probably did? Also AR, if a dog aggrieves you, I doubt raising your arms in surrender would help.

WHOOAAAAA!!!!! PM took matters into her own hands!

Look at those eyes. “I WILL WRECK YO’ SHIT AND YOU WILL GO CRYING TO YO’ MAMA" I warned you, AR. Lady to the rescue!

STRIFE!! No, wait I don’t want a strife, I want everybody to get along or at the very least to stop trying to kill each other. First let’s give AR the scare of his life though.

> Tell Dave about how he lost his copies only for you to get your ass covered and for him to get his own kicked.

wAIT JADE IS GOING TO BE DAVE’S SERVER PLAYER. IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME.

POST-EDIT: This got reaaaally long for some reason. It’s all dumb considerations and speculation. You can skip it if you want. …Of course you don’t actually need my permission to do it, you can do it whenever you want, all I’m saying is that— UGH, NEVERMIND.

I think the server and client system is a really cool way to show us the dynamics between all the kids and how they face immediate danger,and take decisions consequently. Rose and Dave are a GREAT team. It was shown perfectly in [S] Enter. Dave made a show of his majestic time management skills (Well, DUH.) and of his incredible abilities as a tamer of large groups of crows, and Rose made show oF HOW FREAKING RECKLESS SHE CAN GET OH MY GOD.

What about that contemplative half grin as she evaluates the possibility of throwing herself into the river, and the fact that she chooses to do it when she could have just asked Dave for help?? she doesn’t even know that he is momentarily busy dealing with a storm of vengeful crows and can’t take the bottle for her. Jaspers won’t always be there to catch her when she falls (literally and figuratively!) She is too self-confident! And I’m worried because now that she is in The Medium, would it be absurd to assume that she could take on something or someone that is bigger than her (again, literally and figuratively) overestimating her abilities?? I think not. And so I’m worried.

ALSO I wanted to mention a thing. Rose and Dave are always on the move and ready to spring in action whenever they feel like it. John and Jade are pretty much the opposite. They need constant input. If you leave John alone for more than two minutes he starts building forts out of cruxite dowels, kissing his posters, taking random naps, he literally couldn’t give less fucks. He needs someone to constantly lead him and spur him to do what he needs to be doing. It’s okay for now, he has both Rose and Nanna. It could prove to be a problem later on though. He won’t always be checked on.

Same with Jade. But it’s more subtle with her. It’s Skaia. Or better, its clouds. Jade has been following the lead given by the cloud mirages probably for years. She actively works to make the things she sees a reality. Always. Constantly. I don’t even know how she would deal with being left on her own without any “instructions” from Skaia. And what if Skaia happens to be unavailable? What does she do then? It’s a problem that needs to be solved.

…And you know what could work for her?!? :D Okay, you know where this is going already… If she distances herself from the pretty clouds and tries to take on a different role… maybe the one of a woman, who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery…. whose powers may be related to a boundless three-dimensional extent in which objects and events occur and have relative position and direction…. Uummmmhh. No, I’m not talking about the kids’ roles again, you are mistaken, I mentioned no Witch of Space, you’ve got nothing on me.

BUT WAIT. Seriously this is the last time, really! If Rose is the Seer and Jade the Witch where does that put Jade’s “abilities”. Technically they’re also John’s “abilities”.

…Can someone who dreams on Prospit even be a Seer?! I mean… Wouldn’t that give them two identical powers? The same advantage? Both from Prospit and their own powers?! No, wAIT. THAT’S NOT IT! I forgot that the title is always Seer of “insert element here”.

So the role of the seer in our kids’ session is a bit ambiguous really… Seer of Light. I said Light as in optimism but that was back when I was sure Jade was the Seer… I could be wrong, it could even be on the lines of seeing the light, as in Enlightenment or something. Kind of… mystical?! I REALLY can’t imagine Rose going all mystical on her buddies…. The good thing is that I DEFINITELY can’t imagine Jade going all mystical either. Rose a little more maybe?! OH, WAIT NO. To the hell with that! Rose going mystical would be hellish, a legitimate nightmare. Imagine Jade’s weird riddles only written in Rose’s purple prose. Every time the others ask her for information they have to search 25 out of the 26 words of her reply on Thesaurus. The one they didn’t search was their own names when she addressed them back. Thank godness they still have internet.

….Why am I making a digression into the digression?!?!?? As I was saying… What was I saying again? Right, the Seer role. (I had to scroll back. ç.ç) I can’t really use our Seer of Light to make an example… BECAUSE I DON’T REALLY GET WHAT ONE WOULD DO… But let’s consider… A Seer of Time. Wait. What the heck would a Seer of Time even do? Predict how much time you’ve got left? Aren’t there enough ominous countdowns that cover it already in this game?! Seer of Breath? …What kind of title is that? Seer of Space?! I CAN’T FIND ONE GOOD EXAMPLE. Okay, so maybe using an element which hasn’t been introduced yet is kind of cheating, but forgive me if a bring into account my own element for one moment, I’m trying to make a point here. Heart. Seer of Heart. Now if we say that heart is equivalent for emotions, a Seer of Heart is someone who predicts only how the people around herself will feel in the future, not the future itself. That means that waking up on Prospit and see the cloud mirages wouldn’t be more of the same, but actually help the Seer to place everything together. ………All of this was to say that there is actually no problem if a Seer is also a “Prospitian”. I’ve gone too deep.

…..Which wasn’t even the main point, it was another darned DIGRESSION. I was talking about Jade. The thing that I hadn’t realized is that THERE CANNOT BE TWO SEERS. Jade is thrusting herself into the role, and I don’t think she will be ever ready to take on the Witch role if she hasn’t given up on the Seer one first. But I find that a very difficult thing and also unlikely because when she bases all of her decisions on the glimpses of the future she gets, and she’s probably done it for years, it’s very difficult to just stop doing it. A way to make her stop would be her misinterpreting something she sees and fucking things up big time. If someone was harmed because of one of her predictions, you can be 180% sure she would fling her colorful reminders out of the window and never watch a cloud, no matter if on Skaia or not, ever again.

………..HOW DID THIS GET SO LONG?!

BACK TO DAVE AND JADE AND LIVEBLOGGING. Wow, that was one long digression. Things should go pretty smoothly. Or at least I HOPE we won’t end up like Rose, with fire tornadoes through her mansion. Because Dave is the Knight of Time, he should be able to avoid entering at the very last second while staring dumbfounded at his meteor, aka Egbert-Style. He might do a bit of planning ahead. PLUS let’s not forget that Jade is the server player. The Space player… I think she is the Space player at least. (Man, I’m basing half of my speculations on Rose’s and Jade’s roles, if it turns out I’m wrong I will cry ugly tears.)

Time and Space. If THEY don’t get it right who will?! They both have their copies of Sburb and Jade just has to install them. Now, I fail to see how there could possibly be any inconveniences on the short trip from the temple and back to her tower. It should be an uneventful trip. …I just freaking jinxed it, didn’t I? I did. Jade, I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry because I forgot where you live. I forgot with who you lived. Really looking forward to the moment in which a giant monster frog comes out of the freaking pond and gulps down the copies as Jade curses her grandpa for letting one of his experiments get out of the laboratory still alive. REALLY looking forward to it. There will even be bits of foreshadowing in the whole experience. Like… the frog will jump seven times before reaching Jade. Seven like the Seven Gates. Nice.

CLUE MODUS! Get that one! I wanna see how it works.

I’m just going to say in my defense that "Years in the future (but not many)” doesn’t really make you think of 400 FREAKING YEARS. Don’t worry, I will just sulk around here for a while…

She looks like she is going to pull a judo move and break the thing in half.

Jade, if you found Jenga THAT boring of a game, you could have just gone for something else.

PLEASE GET THAT CRAP OFF YOURSELF, JADE. No, not the fertilizer, I meant the tangle buddies.

So cloooseeee, and yet so far. Well, Pictionary it is, then.

Goddammit, Jade. Why can’t I have nice things?! I wanted to meet that troll!

You can put all the tiny little hearts you want but that doesn’t change the fact that your grandpa was a freaking billionaire and you steal PC games from your friend. Where is your moral, kid?!

I SWEAR TO GOD IF IN THE NEXT PANEL THERE IS NOTHING

AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH.

You don’t just replicate a pumpkin, Jade. It’s sacrilegious, it’s a no-no. It breaks the rules of the universe. Never like the real thing anyway.

This modus is bogus but really WHAT ARE WE DOING?! We could be getting Dave in The Medium right now! Jade! Maybe you may want to get going before his whole neighborhood gets submersed by lava or whatever?!

Here he is. What is Bec’s equivalent of a scolding?! I’m curious. Does he just not let her out of her tower for a day? Barks relentlessly all night and doesn’t let her sleep?

Is this reality? Is this happening? Or is it a dream and an awakening to the cruel, cold and beta-less world is in order?!

I think I’m tearing up. I’m so proud of you, Jade. I knew you were the best.

NO. You do that. Later. Meeting arachnidsGrip and terminallyCapricious. NOW.

*sighs in defeat*

No, John. Nanna said “HOO HOO HOO” when you asked. She replies with “HOO HOO HOO” to everything unless you ask her to bake more cookies, really.

“i am in this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff !! :D”

I WONDER.

GOOD DOG. BEST GUARDIAN. I knew he was the wisest, really.

Two kinds of people.

ASHAIUDHASIUDFHEWUFHEROPHSNDJADLLCHoa jooooooooooooooooohn i swear to god i’m going to kill you I GOTTA CALM DOWN A MOMENT. GOTTA BREATH SLOWLY.

……..Why, Minecraft. They were gonna set up a nice multiplayer session. Yes, John, that’s what they’re going to do.

The John and Jade team is going to be such an huge mess. Between John being busy in his new land and Jade randomly falling asleep, ALSO DON’T YOU KNOW THAT JADE FALLING ASLEEP JUST AS A BIGASS METEOR IS FIFTEEN SECONDS AWAY FROM HER HOME IS PRACTICALLY A GIVEN?! I’m worried about Jade, I’m worried about Rose, I’m worried about EVERYONE.

Just who did you think would have gotten her into the game. Her dead grandpa?! Lil’ Cal?!

Lots of ellipsis. Jade’s off-handed way of saying “Less moaning, more moving.”

And to your left you can see two specimens of the human specie regarded as the biggest dorks in the whole universe, bickering. To these days, researchers still debate on which one may be the biggest one, but an agreement has yet to be reached. Scientists worldwide agree, however, that the bickering increases the adorableness of the exchange over level 9000.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, JADE. Did she really just say that?! Oh, my gosh.

NO, JOHN. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

That’s not how it works, Jade. Don’t be silly. The clouds showed you what they did based on the decisions you would take in the future. You have absolute free will. It’s your choice only. If you wanted to tell your friends about it you could have, the clouds would have simply adapted to the new development. They don’t force you into doing anything, only show you the outcome of your actions. It’s a little hard to explain… Imagine a sort of “That’s So Raven” scenario, only she doesn’t try to change the future at all.

OOOOOH YEEEE—

YOU ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSEEEEE

We haven’t had a Dave POV in five years. How I missed him. Also what is Rose up too?

Aaaaand Dave is getting impatient because Rose doesn’t bother replying. She’s busy exploring! Also, pestering his friends to death is Dave’s way to show you that he cares for your well-being. Involountarily. Because he doesn’t want you to know that. In the heat of the moment he even let a genuine “im sorry” slip.

She’s so pumped, like… She has been waiting for this day for literal years! And I’m so sorry because she will have to wait AGES to enter, she has to wait for John to find his dad’s car.

Aaaah. It’s great to see Dave have confidence and generally feel good about himself. Also that last sentence out of context is freaking GOLD.

jADE STOP SPOILERING EVERYONE. He will know about his role… when the time comes.

John and Jade give the best nicknames….

….Truly impressive.

OH, NO. Even Jade has been corrupted by the turbid nightmare also known as SBAHJ. This is indeed the end of the world.

Excuse me, I’m busy picturing Dave softly gasping and gingerly bringing an hand to his mouth at Jade’s assertive demeanor and then recompose himself quickly. Basically I’m laughing alone, about things that I’m only imagining and did not even happen in canon.

Quit bitching. Rose has just been through hell to constantly help John and simultaneously get out of increasingly dangerous situations. She did not bitch. I won’t tolerate it from you.

A HEAD START?! Jade, you are a gift to this webcomic, never change. Also, she understands me on a deep level.

…Why do you keep telling everyone about how your butt was royally kicked? I swear he will tell the trolls next. “i will have you know that my bro just kicked my ass” “WHAT THE HELL IS A BRO?"

……….

These two kids will be the death of me, I swear. Also we learned that Jade is easily influenced by her conversations with others!

JADE YOU DO NOT WANT TO WALK DOWN THIS PARTICULAR PATH WITH DAVE

I was expecting a monologue. True character development here for Dave Strider.

Will his house be still intact in say… seven minutes? Well, can’t get any worse then what happened to John’s house. …I shouldn’t challenge this webcomic. Nor Miss Jade Harley.

pLEASE (BE CG. BE CG. BE CG.)

JOHN. He hasn’t been that distressed since Dave wouldn’t stop rapping about the apocalypse and Nanna.

hE KNOWS HIS NAME.

John, I think you should know that CG doesn’t have any idea of what he is doing, so he is kind of bullshitting his way through trolling you guys backward. Therefore he doesn’t know what the hell you are going on about here.

Wow, that’s so sad. They don’t know what a laugh is.

Oh, BUUUUURN. John, what do you say to that?!

…You don’t have a stomach? Okay, you can’t laugh, you can’t eat. Is your life really that worth living? Just food for your thoughts… food that you can’t digest anyway.

No, that’s because you would believe anything anyone tells you, John. Like someone could tell him that Sharknado is the best movie of the last decade and he would believe them. Hell, maybe he already loves it.

CG, I know you are doing this weirdass trolling backward thingy which is honestly kind of dumb and lame but consider John’s point of view?? Wait, don’t consider John’s point of view, he just readily accepted that you guys are not human and yet he laughs in your face at the prospect of being friends. He’s weird like that.

Admitting it is the first step! Thumbs up for the alien! :D Did you just call him an idiot right after you referred to him as a friend? How knowledgeable are you on human culture? Only when you get on the "best buddies” level can you get away with what you just did, sorry.

WELL, DUH. You’ve dug your own grave, now lie in it.

You mean that you delved head first into this trolling thing without the slightest idea of how to do it properly, exactly like AT?

Yeah, he sure does but…. how does John know?! There weren’t any hints from his prospective??

Ones I will have to read in the future. So hopefully not so tedious.

This is hella suspicious. What is he trying to accomplish? Getting all buddy-buddy with our John??

Awkwaaaaaaard. I….I think he is being genuine…. Oh, gosh.

I’m freaking WHEEZING. HELP.

Let me explain, John. Basically what CG is saying is that you will come to like this guy one day, and obviously you will get all overly friendly and dorky with him, like you are with everyone, he will pretend not to appreciate it but he will secretly think of you as a good friend.

SUPRISE, SURPRISE. Don’t they have anything else to do beside trolling our kids?? Fighting imps? Exploring lands?? Defeating Denizens??

Oh, come oooon, CG. I wouldn’t call it narcissism. Yeah, he can get pretty self-centered at times but he doesn’t even notice. …And you noticed that? Impressive.

Dude, what kind of friendships do you even have? People happen to get mad when you insult them. BUUUUUT I have to partially agree, sorry John. He has explained everything to you ALREADY. Telling it to you again would just be more work for him. You WILL get to have those conversation eventually, you only gotta wait. That’s a pretty easy concept that you don’t get.

PPPPFFFTTTAHAHAHAHA. The same girl on which you got all high and mighty boasting about how you were BETTER AND SMARTER THAN HER IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER. ALSO SHE IS INCREDIBLY STUPID. Sorry, you’re not allowed to talk to her and make her upset. Didn’t Jade say she found some of the trolls funny? Let THEM talk to her?! Easy.

Why don’t you do that yourself, LIKE A MAN. It’s not like the fact that she blocked you stops you. You ask for forgiveness. Jade is a nice kid. MAYBE if you tried really hard she might listen. Unless you are not sorry for real. Then SHE WOULD KNOW.

OH, WOW. So why don’t you go eye up the GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE BUTT of a member of YOUR specie, you douche. You don’t even mean it when you say that you’re sorry! No okay, I was thinking of giving him the benefit of the doubt but DEFINITELY NOT. He is not talking to Jade. I don’t care if he is friend with John from his prospective or whatever.

YEAH! LEAVE HIM HANGING! Maybe?? That should have been a no-no! John, he was kissing YOUR ass, not Jade’s. In fact he had something to say about the latter. And no, I’m not completely sold either. We will see. Also, sassy John is a great John.

STOP THIS. THERE ISN’T AN ARM IN THIS ONE. THERE ISN’T ANY OIL. THERE ISN’T…… There is a thing close to the forest. It has that bluish light like the arms. But I can’t really tell what it is.

bUT I GUESS WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT OH MY GOD BECAUSE JOHN NOTICED TOO OKAY I WASN’T EXPECTING THIS OH MY

Of course we get a POV switch, of course. Should I preemptively start rubbing my temples in light of the headache I will most surely get in the near future? Well, Mr. “Major”, show us what you can do.

AAAWWWWW. He did it. Not really rational and diplomatic, but nobody got killed, that’s what matters. The only acceptable use for PM’s sword: opening cans.

First of all: AAAAWWWWW. Second: friendship isn’t an emotion fucknuts.

And suddenly we are back to Dave and Jade?! ….Okay?!

Jade, that is too high for Dave! He’s as short as a stool. Please be more considerate next time.

That… isn’t really a valid reason to place it there, Jade. It really isn’t.

DAVE PLEASE TURN AROUND A MOMENT. I think you agree that we should never let Jade “just do her thing” ever again.

I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE’S UPDATING HER FAQ I WILL BEAT SOMEONE UP. Also, I love how Dave just wrote her a fucking poem and she is just like “Hold please.” So majestic.

??????? SHE IS NOT EVEN CONSIDERING YOU ???????

JADE, PLEASE CALM DOWN. Maybe she’s TOO pumped. She sounds like she is on a sugar high…. again.

HELP I CAN’T BREATHE JADE PLEASE IT’S KIND OF A TOUCHY SUBJECT

I’m very sorry to say……. Dave, that is not irony. I think someone has to let you know…. your bro is puppetsexual.

It’s Dave’s curse. A long story. I shall call him Bird Boy from now on. Very intimidating name. Do not anger the man with the crows. They will accompany him on his journey. Quite literally since he is going to prototype one— HEY, NO. Jade is going to prototype one, I guess. Still find it a dumb decision, by the way.

Does he mean it like “no its not its just you” or “no its not you can do it”. Jade thinks it’s the latter and I will trust her. BUT PUTTING A SMILEY IN THERE FOR CLARITY WOULDN’T KILL DAVE, YOU KNOW.

WHAT IS SHE DOING. Jade found Grandpa’s secret stash of booze. The only explanation. Honey, if I’m right you’re supposed to be the Witch of Space, this should be child play for you.

That is closer to the truth than you may think.

Did you know that I actually read the pesterlogs aloud when I can? And do you know how much fun I had enacting Rose getting angered, yet trying to keep her composure, all in my beautiful headcanon for Rose’s voice? LOTS OF FUN.

Seems like Rose will get her well-deserved revenge.

WHY WAS I NOT WITNESSING THIS CONVERSATION. Also “it”, Rose? Really?! They’re people. Well, alien people at least.

Dave, there where no wizards, it was only you and Zazzerpan, you throwing him around, he spinning through the fire, only the two of you. And Rose throwing herself in the river, NEVER FORGET ROSE THROWING HERSELF INTO THE RIVER. Also, one moment of silence for the poor wizard, who lost his good hand into the literal heat of the battle, he won’t be able to do magic ever again.

Yes, you keep the ironic thing up. John “ironicly” says he is attracted to you, you “ironicly” say you love him. Keep doing that. I will just be here in the corner, writing down everything. Remembering.

And John is officially on his own, with no Rose watching over him, heading toward the forest where a weird glowing thing that may or may not be related to the retcon is AND OH DEAR I’M WORRIED

I ALREADY KNOW WHERE SHE IS. SHE IS ON RAINBOW LAND BECAUSE THE VOLCANO ONE IS JADES AND THE OTHER IS DAVES FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, THE LITERAL SPLOTCH OF OIL IS JOHNS. BUT CAN WE JUST SEE HER LAND ALREADY.

SHE CAUTIOUSLY POKED IT FIRST.

Remember when I compared Jade’s room to BRO’s living room?? Yeah. Sorry, but I can’t deal with Squiddles. I would pick Smuppets over them any day.

Miss Jade Harley, I demand you stop trying to KILL ME BY MAKING ME CHOKE WITH LAUGHTER. ~~My sides hurt. :(~~

Yes, Jade. Don’t worry, you nailed it. …I blame Grandpa for this…

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN OH MY GOD
JADE ERNESTINE HARLEY I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN YOU LITTLE SHIT WHYYYYYYYYYY

This is random but maybe it is Dave screaming into oblivion. It should be. It would be a chorus with me.

Is this what I think it is…?

RAINBOW LAND!!!! ROSE’S LAND!!! FINALLY!!!

Land o—OOOOHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD LIGHT????!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! FUCK YEAAAAAHHHH! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! LAND. OF. LIGHT. AND. RAIN. SEER. OF. LIGHT. WHERE IS THE FREAKING CHAMPAGNE ALREADY. I AM GOING TO MAKE A TOAST FOR THE SEER!!!!!!!!!! OH YEEEESSSSSS!!!! TODAY IS A GREAT DAY.

HERE SHE IS. THE SEER. ROSE LALONDE. IS THE SEER. LALONDE THE SEER. THE SEER IS ROSE LALONDE.

Such a colorful land for Rose! And I initially thought this was gonna be Jade’s land, DUH. There is plenty of water too! John had Wind and Rose has Rain! I wonder if it’s gonna be a pattern in the lands’ names? But the most important thing is that she said she likes it. Didn’t think she would like all that color. AND THE OTHER MOST IMPORTANT THING IIIIIIISSSSSS….

*chanting* SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT! SEER OF LIGHT!

Ahem. Yes, I would like to congratulate me, myself and I for never giving up, nor losing hope, and trusting my ~~first~~ second instinct. It has been an arduous journey. Many times, I admit it, I was tempted to just say “FUCK IT” and moving on. Many times horrible words sprouted from my mouth as I watched Jade pull out yet another seery move when I had already sold on my Jade’s the Witch speculation. Today, I’m truly blessed.

…..Oh, COME ON. I know it’s not really totally 100% confirmed but… Land of LIGHT and Rain. C'mon. How much do I have to wait?? IT’S CONFIRMED

………#NotAllLadies. For a moment, I thought I was free from the Squiddles’ evil tentacles…..

It’s so cute that this is the first thing he thought about after things settled down. And after eating, obviously.

No, wait. Nevermind, he just wants to impress the lady.

Nuh-huh. You’re not getting out of this one so easily, WV. You gulped down a pretty big piece of uranium. I’m gonna find out what this thing does because

FROG.

So it is ESPECIALLY important, or so Nanna would say. I will just be here, waiting… till… eugh. Until you do… umh, your thing… and we get the uranium back…. yeah.

WAIT JUST A LITTLE MOMENT THERE. This is the third room???? This was the room in which there was someone before!!!! The one who inserted the orders BEFORE WV got into the command station! And now there is no one! Auuugh. WHERE ARE THEY?! And they used the contraption that is now low on power!!!!!!!!!! To do what? There is the Frog Switch there. METHAPHORICAL FROG SWITCH. MMMHHH. I DON’T KNOW. What does this thing do?! Even with the uranium we would still need a key like with the apparyfier! Laaaaame.

Shouldn’t she be talking to ROSE?!

Well, you made the drawings yourself, the technology… you just found it. Also they probably remind her of when she was in The Medium. :(

In the background Serenity says “YAY!!!”. I don’t know if she’s looking at the screen and cheering John on or if she is just happy for the new friendship between these two.

Well, John is on Prospit too! And it’s not like he will be sleeping forever!

………………I remember this. This is what you got if you clicked on John in [S] Act 4! It was PM?! Talking to John! In the minigame! I knew there was way too much enthusiasm about mail… (ಠ _ ಠ)

I thought that was referred to meeeeee!
And I even thought “Excuse you, but I know him fairly well after I watched him fool around for three acts” DAMMIT.

OH, GODDAMMIT.

tHAT LAST PART WASN’T THERE THOUGH! IT WASN’T THERE!

Hehehe. PM chose yes, I chose no.

I should have suspected….. There was too much enthusiasm about post…..

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO GET A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OVER THAT STUPID MINIGAME WHEN I COULD HAVE COMPLETELY IGNORED IT.

What would I have lost?! Boo Hoo, frogs are relevant, but I don’t know why anyway, boo hoo…. AS IF I HADN’T NOTICED ALREADY. There is a massive Frog Temple in the middle of Jade’s island!

HOOOOOLY SHIT. Here she is….. The moment my pain officially ends………..

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this moment for five decades!!!!!!!!

This is the most beautiful panel in Homestuck. Look at the writing “Seer” under ROSE LALONDE. It’s so beautiful, don’t you think?

Also, don’t try to trick me. That is so not PM giving commands.

Look at that twinkle in her eyes. How they are sparkling. HAVE FUN AND GOOD LUCK, ROSE! By the way she will need a boat, I think. She’s surrounded by water. And before she was surrounded by fire. Heh.

I had completely forgotten about John! Let’s see for how long he manages to stay alive without any help!

Oh, wow! Nice change in art-style!

Let’s… slowly turn around, and pretend we saw nothing, John. ~~Where did the glowy thing disappear tooooo ç.ç~~

JADE NO. JADE, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE. She gets hella confused when she’s asleep, oh NOOOO

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE’RE DOOMED OH MY GOD— Ohhh, it’s four HOURS. Don’t you scare me like that!

……….Jade, you do not just…. casually greet him back while bringing with you his clogged toilet and a piece of the bathroom floor.

DOES THIS SEEM LIKE THE MOMENT FOR YOU, DAVE. Oh, man. Things are so not running smoothly.

(DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) Dave, literally everything is okay, you’ve got four hours, there are no meteors in sight, or at least not directed to your apartment, care to explain why you are whining so GODDAMN MUCH. Because you have to pee?!

That was… nearly instantaneous?? How did he figure it out so fast?! Has she fallen asleep so many time while talking to him that he learnt to notice the change? Poor Dave, it was probably always while he was rapping and he got offended quite a few times.

Egbert resorted to peeing from the edge of the cliff, even though now we know he could have inconvenienced some poor salamander— WAIT. WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO WATCH.

I don’t like what he is implying! It’s not the first time either! Man, a girl can’t even be friendly to someone anymore. There always gotta be ulterior motives! Well, I will have you know that she is like that with EVERYONE. Except the trolls.

That’s none of your business?! And the robot is just to help Jade remember what she has seen on Prospit!

Jade sums it up nicely. Go pee, Dave. Maybe that will banish the sudden acidity out of your body.

It has come to a full circle.

Okay so MAYBE John has been a bit of a jerk to you lately, I can condone this. That’s still pretty fucking evil though. Holding that pee is making Dave weird.

How do I even deal with Dave Strider. Sometimes I wonder.

WHAT NOW.

Can you play WWF’s volunteer later, Jade?!

It’s the bird that started it all, Dave. Your curse. The epitome of your super villain backstory. Don’t pretend not to know when it haunts you every night.

Kid, your sword lasted exactly an hour and half. Power Rangers’ movie props are better crafted.

I LOVE THESE TWO DORKS. Seriously, I love it when they do this.

Jade, for the love oF ALL THAT’S HOLY, HOLD YOUR GODDAMN HORSES AND STOP MESSING AROUND WITH DEAD CROWS.

Things that shouldn’t be here:

DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.
DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.
DAVE’S COPIES OF SBURB.

I’m a bit sick of paradoxes.

It’s Jade’s fault that Dave messed up the protyping order! First object, then sentient being! Now nobody will give Dave instructions! ….Unless Cal can talk. I WILL FLIP MY SHIT IF CAL TALKS, I WARNED YOU.

Dave, remember that Rose prototyped JASPERS. Although the cat must have had some dirt on the Sburb headquarters, that’s why he was assassinated. So yeah, you get stuck with the dumbest guide, sorry.

Actually, she strolls through her pretty golden kingdom, chatting up with the locals.

Is that less or more than four hours, Jade?!? PLEASE, tell me we don’t get a last minute entry because Jade decided to take a nap.

…What is he trying to do?

PFFFFTAHAHAHAHAAH. OH MY GOD. That was actually pretty damn clever?! And painful for poor Jade. But it was a necessary evil!

Meanwhile, our exiles are having a feast thanks to Jade’s loot.

Not with the Squiddles, AR. Sorry.

WHAT KIND OF ANALOGY IS THAT OH MY GOD BRING THOSE THINGS OUT OF MY SIGHT

>WV: Slowly realize that your fellow friend is trying to steal yo girl.

ARE WE SERIOUSLY GETTING BACKSTORY?! :D

THERE IT IS. DAD’s car. Well…it’s not that bad…. it could be….fixed… Yeah no, you might as well set it on fire. John is obviously nowhere in sight. If we’re lucky he will be able to get here before Act 6. IF we’re lucky. And is that AR or…?

DEFINITELY AR.

Have a bit of clemency on John’s old man. You see, he kind of put himself in a situation. Got kidnapped, destroyed half of the Dark Kingdom, got released just now thanks to a pissed off Archagent who hates fancy hats with a little too much passion for it to be healthy… You know the type. Point is GIVE DAD A BREAK.

Your obsession with law also seems slightly unhealthy.

10,000 BOONDOLLARS??!?!? WHAT THE FUCK. I denounce this faulty system. Last time John had 11575 boondollars. Welp, let’s do something nice for your father, John. Pay the ticket.

GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT

There is this thing that I just don’t understand. How do the imps and the population of the kingdoms move freely from there to the kids planets?! I doubt that there is an official transport system here.

If AR brings the copies away with him, John will never find them and Jade will be DOOMED. So, PLEASE PM. Do something. You’re our only hope! IN THE NAME OF POSTAL SYSTEM. Those copies are John’s!

JAAAAAAAADEEEEEE.

That thing is not even loosing any health… Maybe he’s not strong enough yet?! I suggest a swift but dignified retreat. Like ASAP.

RETREAT RETREAT OH MY GOD JOHN HOLD ON WE CAN’T LEAVE YOU ALONE ONE FREAKING MINUTE PLEASE DON’T DIE

I’m afraid I recOGNIZE THAT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

JESUS CHRIST. IT’S HIM. HE’S GOING TO STUFF THAT HEAD, LOOK:

GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAA

GRANDPA WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOIIIIIING!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU’RE EFFING DEAD. THIS MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER HE IS STILL VERY DEAD IN THE GRAND-FOYER WHAT KIND OF DUMBSHIT PARADOX IS THIS. I REFUSE. TO BELIEVE. THIS BULLSHIT.

You know, CG can say that John and his planet are not the center of the universe but it sure seems like everybody and their mothers are here right now. Or everybody and their Grandpas, I suppose.

And there he goes. After rescuing John. With a Colonel Sassacre underarm. THE EGBERT FAMILY HEIRLOOM UNDERARM. All casually like it has always freaking BELONGED TO HIM OR SOMETHING.

JOHN, HE IS…. THAT STRANGE MAN…….. OH DEAR.

Also??? John??? and Grandpa???

REMOVE THE MUSTACHE. AND JOHN’S EYES. THEY ARE FREAKING IDENTICAL.

I’m not starting to make crack theories but…… if you added the ridiculous haircut….. and DAD is also bald like Grandpa……. and now that I think about it don’t Jade and Nanna also look very much alike…. they both have two frontal teeth and round glasses… and John and Grandpa also have both THREE frontal teeth and have RECTANGULAR glasses… and Grandpa was a freaking comedian too OKAY I’M NOT MAKING CRACK THEORIES BUT I’M SURE AS HELL KEEPING MY EYES ON THEM ALL

BUT MOVING ON, BECAUSE IF I START THINKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH I WILL START SEARCHING FOR HINTS THROUGH EVERYTHING I READ AND THEN IT WILL BE THE END

PM has been completely restless since she saw John and WV’s drawings.

One moment she doesn’t even know him, now she has important messages to deliver.

Maybe they will bond over not understanding shit about the “tall attractive female”. Good.

OH, MY. John, you were supposed to search for it, not ask your consorts to do all the work for you……. UNLESS. This is what PM is going to tell John in the first place. Because she remembers seeing the tablet she will ask John to carve it.

OH. So the black sword belonged to someone else? I don’t remember seeing anyone with it. Is it WV’s maybe? Have all of the exiles met before but forgot about it?

M'lady.

It wouldn’t be the first one either! But beware, you could summon Jack Noir.

Also, why will AR just wrap himself in caution tape…? Or did he bring his advances to our Parcel Mistress a little too far and she did it for him?

AR, BARBASOL IS FLAMMABLE DO YOU WANNA SET YOURSELF ON FIRE

This is a matter of life or death! Screw the law! Wait, he refers to himself as the law… I just told him to go screw himself NICE.

wHO CARES. We already know John will get it when he needs it.

GO CHASE THE MAN!!!

Oh, man! Grandpa is way more important! Ugh. Who is gonna tell Jade that her grandpa came back to life and preferred to pay a visit to JOHN first.

They are SALAMANDERS. He just said it!

Yeah, what giv—

JESUS CHRIST.

Everyone run to shelter!! Take your sons and daughters, say your prayers to the frog gods!! JOHN YOU DUMB FUCK.

The face of a man who has realized his mistake one moment too late. Also peeing his pants, probably.

4/24/2015 1:09:13 PM ¶ ●

Guys, I was wondering if there was any way to download Homestuck? Like download the web pages? Download the whole thing, not one page at a time obviously. So that I can keep on reading even when I don’t have any access to internet. Even if the flashes are not included it would be okay. It would be INCREDIBLY HELPFUL for me! Also make me update faster. Is there a way to do it??

4/26/2015 1:27:32 PM ¶ ●

I jokingly said that GC’s pesterlog would have taken me five hours to read but in the end I really think it did. Between her dropping kids’s titles and so much information and generally me having to stop to contemplate the perfection of her exchange with Rose, it really did. And I was so excited to finally meet her. And she was so close to winning my heart in just one conversation. But then what does she do?? Threatens John’s life??? Like wow, I swear the trolls are trying really hard to make me dislike them. I swear CG would be near the top of my favorite trolls’ list (under GA, mind you) if he just bothered saying three simple little words to our Jade Harley— What?? Not those three little words, what are you even thinking. I meant “I am sorry.” Wow, you guys are shipper trash. Anyway….

Back to John and his sudden revelation that shaving cream is flammable! Who would ever have imagined!

I think John has taken his Nanna’s advice of following “the ways of the salamanders” a little too literally. He already has an attention deficit too. He will soon undergo the final transformation~

A big gust of wind conveniently comes along and blows out all the fire.

It is really convenient.

The townspeople rejoice and are more than willing to give you all the credit. You suspect it is probably because they are not all that smart.

Buuuut, I bring to you a more interesting possibility instead of coincidence. What if the salamanders are right. What if…. John “summoned” the Breeze. Like every player has the ability to summon the element of their Land. John with Wind, Rose with Rain, Dave with… probably lava, I dunno. Like John doesn’t know he can do it but he was panicking and unconsciously momentarily awakened his ability or something?? Huh??

> John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved.

PM makes John draw his copies of Sburb on a Minitablet. We find out why the drawing was so crappy. He was partying hard with the salamanders.

Not that it matters because you suck at drawing anyway.

It’s okay, John. I would have never been able to even press an instrument on the thing anyway.

> Your deceased pet.

We got it the first time, you don’t have to rub it in! It’s a sore subject for the Lalondes.

JASPERSPRITE is nowhere to be found. He always was a little cagey, even when he was alive.

Please, tell me he won’t be like a cat version of Nanna. All cagey, only instead of “HOO HOO HOO” he goes “MEOW MEOW MEOW”. …And although that would be utterly adorable, I DON’T WANT IT. Okay, so… maybe just for a little while…

> Is it not why you are here?

You bet she is! She brought about the apocalypse to get him back! That’s dedication we’ve got here! She talked to him, wrote poems about him… Yeah, you got the point.

This exile is the most informed about the kids’ background that I’ve met so far?! Well, I haven’t met them yet but you get my drift. Like… they (she, I’d guess) even knew about the true reason Rose agreed to play?! Got my eyes on you, ma'am. …I will keep them on you after I get to see you, at least.

Someone is pestering you. But you are oblivious to the message because your laptop is buried under three inches of fucking yarn.
Rose, please, reply before he composes a rap about whispering cats and flying wizards. The boy gets horribly creative when you ignore him for too long.

There are footprints in the white sand.
Well, sprites don’t have legs. It’s probably MOM or a consort.

The mausoleum was destroyed by the explosion. The secret passage remains.
You have no idea where it leads, but it sure isn’t the lab anymore.

Oh, YEAH. We didn’t bring the Lab with us. A shame. I’m still thinking about that eight players session, by the way.

Rose’s gate is pink! Although I’m not sure where it would bring her?! John got downward into his land. But Rose is already in hers. She cannot “descend”. Unless we want to go diving! WHAT IF THE CONSORTS ARE TALKING FISHES. …What? It’s too late. My brain sprouts weird ideas, don’t judge.

It seems someone has recently untied a boat.

OH MY FUCKIN— MOOOOOOOM!!! I will never understand this woman’s thought process. Like “Oh, look. We just got teleported in a new dimension made of rainbows and rain. My daughter has just finished waltzing through fire tornadoes, maybe I should go check on h— hey! Look, a boat! Let’s go sailing instead!”

> A mother will do whatever is best for her children.

THE BEST???? Abandon her?? Leave Rose all alone?? WHO ARE YOU FOURTH EXILE SHOW YOURSELF I WILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU

> WV: Become the mayor of Exile Town.

I swear that behind that democracy and “everyone is equal” facade hides a man who craves power~ Kidding, kidding. But WV has some sort of fixation with being in charge.

You build a bigger and better town to preside over. All expatriates are welcome, no matter what happened in the past, regardless of professional persuasion or metallurgical affiliation.

I WANT TO SEE WV’S BACKSTORY ALREADY! I wanna know why he loves democracy and I wanna know why he hates the king and I wanna know why his description oh him doesn’t fit with Jack Noir’s! Honestly, WV was the first exile introduced but we haven’t seen his pre-exile version yet! I bet that’s because he has big things in store for us! Plot-relevant things! :D

This should catch the eye of the tall nice lady.

Story cuts to PM getting fed up with the both of them and beating them up.

The grumpy yellow guy thinks this is dumb.

The grumpy yellow guy isn’t so childish that he plays major of an imaginary town, WV! He has other things on his mind! That’s why he will get the tall lady before you!

He thinks it is dumb because any town without a proper militia is as good as conquered.

As such he prepares one begrudgingly. It’s a dirty job, but someone must be charged with the defense of the innocent.

……..Never fucking mind. PM will find the other exile and they will live together happily ever after.

The stars twinkle over the freshly christened EXILE TOWN. It is a beautiful evening and the future is so full of promise you can’t imagine what could possibly oh my god a huge eggy looking thing just appeared in the sky.

Fourth Exile: *shows up 1500 pages late with Starbucks* LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

IT JUST TELEPORTED! Okay, now I’m really keeping my eyes on you, fourth exile.

you can’t imagine what could possibly oh my god

WV, learn something. Never, and I said NEVER, say the “you can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong” thing or any variation of it in a work of fiction. It’s a matter of survival.

I love how the exclamation just says “EGG!”. Like, do we need any other word? No, it’s self explanatory and perfect. It’s an egg.

> Jade: Give Dave punch card of an eggy loking thign [sic].

I don’t know what Jade and Dave are doing anymore. And yes, let’s give an egg to Bird Boy.

A BIRD JUST??? LAID??? AN EGG??? AND DISAPPEARED??? Even the game itself is trolling Dave so hard, I swear.

Ok, you do that and then he makes a totem with it and then some other stuff happens and then…

Self-explanatory at its finest. We need no explanation no more. We already got to the enter item?! Wow, that was fast! Well, Rose and Dave did it all in a flash……. I meant very fast, not the flash animation…. Why do I keep accidentally saying things like these…

TG: oh man
TG: awesome
TG: its awesome where you put that
TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done
GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh
TG: well where are they
TG: you say there will be stairs
TG: and yet
TG: i see no stairs
GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!!
TG: sorry
GG: ;p

Why build stairs when you could have just put it no the roof itself?! Why are we allowing Dave, the walking SBAHJ meme, to get near stairs ever again.

TG: am i supposed to break that thing
TG: or hatch it
TG: or what
GG: i dont know!

Imagine Dave cautiously sitting on that egg as he asks Jade “am i doing this right” and Jade says “i’ve got just what we need!!” and she starts sending him birds documentary. Billions of them. Dave can’t get her to stop.

TG: also what happened to all my shit
TG: the stuff scattered all over the roof
TG: did you put it somewhere
GG: nope….
TG: i mean not that i care
TG: it was a lot of mostly useless garbage

Meanwhile BRO sheds a single tear…

But seriously dude, there was also Lil'Cal in there, that’s so rude. Your brother would disinherit you if he was in earshot. Too bad he blasted off into the sun.

GG: what was it doing up here?
TG: i was going to use it to fight my bro with
TG: but i guess i forgot in the heat of battle
TG: also he was too fast

He wanted to weaponize his sylladex??? While fighting with Bro????! Flash-stepping master extraordinaire?!

A brainless feathery asshole swoops down and carries the egg away.

WE ARE GONNA END UP CHASING THE BIRD THROUGH ALL THE FREAKING CITY THIS IS HOW WE WILL SPEND THOSE FOUR HOURS I KNEW IT I FREAKING KNEW IT

Or not.

Please direct your gaze to Cal. I swear if you look at it from another angle it’s still freaking staring creepily right into your eyes. Godness. It’s like that pistol-still-aiming-at-you-even-if-you-move post.

TG: ok so
TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass
TG: please advise
GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!
GG: awww
TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours
GG: hmm…
GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are
TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak

Friendly reminder to both Dave and Jade that the whole city is burning down and under a meteor shower.

GG: maybe not too long then????
GG: i guess we’ll find out!
TG: maybe i should try to get it back
TG: and put it in the microwave
GG: :(

Wow, Jade was really worried about the microwave option.

I don’t think Rose and John had all those contraptions available! Also, WHAT’S THAT DISK.

GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!
TG: you mean the jumper block thing
GG: no no weve got enough for that…..
GG: but its still pretty expensive
TG: wait what
TG: the thing costs 1000 for me
GG: yeah me too!
GG: and we have 2000 to work with
GG: ok 1998 ._.
TG: what
TG: man i only got 200 to splash around with in roses rainbow world
TG: what the hell
GG: ohhh…
GG: how much did rose start with? when she was playing with john?
TG: hang on ill ask
GG: k
TG: she says 20
GG: i guess we keep getting more with each server/client connection!

What the heck. No but. What about the trolls?!? THEY ARE TWELVE. Does the last troll to connect get 200 billions?????? WHAT???????

TG: yeah
TG: so i guess you can buy everything now
GG: no!!!!
GG: i cant buy the holopad thingy and the intellibeam laserstation
TG: ok now i know youre making this shit up
GG: hahahaha no theyre right here!
GG: they cost a fortune
TG: well all i got here is the designix which i cant deploy cause i dont have any purples
TG: and the expensive as hell jumper thing and the cheap shunts which i assume do dick all without the jumpers to put em on
TG: oh also this cd which is 100 but i didnt drop cause it seemed like a stiff allocation of resources for now
GG: yeah ive got that too!
GG: i will deploy it
TG: so with each new connection in our player chain i guess new weird deployables are introduced
GG: yes i think that is how it works
GG: when john connects with me he will probably get some cool new things too!
TG: hey look we’re learning stuff

I hadn’t gotten this feeling of “just children playing a game” in a while. It’s weirdly nice. I don’t like how everything is perfectly fine right now?! I don’t know. John is in search of his dad’s car accompanied by festive salamanders. Rose just began exploring her land guided by the fourth exile. Dave and Jade are figuring out new equipment, the meteor is four hours away. The exiles are having a nice dinner and they will soon finally be all together. There are no threats in sight for anyone. I do hope this is not a “calm before the storm” scenario.

TG: what should i do with these beta copies
TG: i dont really need them anymore
GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while……..
GG: and then later
GG: just do whatever you are naturally compelled to do with them!
TG: wow that was a weird answer
TG: but ok

This is what happens when even our self-appointed seer doesn’t know how the heck those copies ended up in her frog temple.

It was obviously labeled as the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.
It appears to be deployable only as an extension to the ALCHEMITER. Looks like you’re going to have to move it.
Damn, and it looked so nice up there!

Jade Harley, you’re a disgrace. I’m so glad she began screwing up with space management AFTER Rose got confirmed to be the Seer and not before. Otherwise I would be screaming.

Dave: Insert disc into computer.

GRISTTORRENT is now running.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

> Dave: Illegally pirate some of John’s shale.

That’s not so illegal, I mean… It’s a possibility that the game gives you. A feature. BUT YOU SHOULD ASK JOHN FOR PERMISSION FIRST.

You start leeching off John’s SHALE at a pace of 4 g/s.

Not the fastest download rate, but then again you don’t need a whole lot. In one second you already collect enough for a PUNCH DESIGNIX.

DAMMIT. John, they’re gonna steal from your hard earned sweet loot!!

At least he won’t notice if you download at that velocity.

> Dave: Download a bunch of grist from John. He has plenty.

You set the application to leech off John’s BUILD GRIST because he’s obviously got too much for his own good.

NEVER MIND. Dave is a fucking delinquent and doesn’t even care.

– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

EB: rose?
EB: are you there?
EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.
EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?
EB: let me know ok.
TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it.
TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt.

I MISSED MISS SASSY QUEEN.

EB: bluh bluh bluuuuuhhhhh.
EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh.

I guess you could call her that too.

TT: Eerily iridescent?
EB: umm…

Hold it. He’s searching those words on the dictionary.

TT: I certainly don’t see any oily rivers.
TT: There’s an ocean though.
EB: i haven’t found an ocean yet.
EB: but i dunno, the place is really big.
EB: it’s like a whole planet down here.

John, CG literally TOLD you it was a planet one minute ago, what kind of memory do you have. I swear asleep Jade is better at remembering stuff than you.

EB: oh man, which reminds me.
EB: i just got hounded by a troll.
TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now.
TT: I thought it was odd timing.
EB: yeah well, they say they want to be friends, also they’re playing sburb but like not the same session as ours or something.
EB: oh also they’re moving backwards in time, which sounds really retarded, but whatever.

Blame it on CG. Not everyone. Seems like he was the one coming up with that wonderful idea.

TT: Color my curiosity piqued, I guess.
EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not.

WAIT. DOES THIS MEAN. THAT I WILL FINALLY GET. A CG AND ROSE CONVERSATION. OH MY GOD.

EB: but anyway, it’s great you made it here alive and stuff!
EB: so dave came through?
TT: Eventually.
TT: Pardon the envy I’m about to vent in your direction.
EB: for what?
TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator.
EB: oh, haha.

It came up that not even Jade is a good server player, so Rose can’t blame herself because she is literally the only kid vaguely competent at this and she can’t have a one player session. Sorry, Rose.

EB: yeah, i’d feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too.
TT: You don’t feel weird when I watch you?
EB: rose i feel weird when you’re just TALKING to me, when you’re watching me it’s just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake.

Oh, YEAH. Great going, John. It sounded like she was kind of relieved because she wasn’t weirding you out and you just go “haha, no. you SURE AS HECK do!"

TT: I can’t see you now, for what it’s worth.
EB: yes i’m freeeeeeeeee :D

yes he’s freeeeeeeeee— of ending up IN THE MOUTH OF A GIGANTIC MONSTER AFTER NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES WITHOUTH SUPERVISION! :D yayyyy!! John won’t survive this. Rose, you don’t need to finish that present for the kid anymore.

EB: ok, i’m going to go over this river and through these woods.
EB: you talk to your troll i guess.
EB: we’ll compare notes later.
TT: Ok.
TT: Bye, John.

BUT MEANWHILE. ROSE AND CG. NOW. WERE MAKING THIS HAPEN.

Ooooh noooooo. CG is a Cancer. John, how dare you getting my hopes up.

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] –

But it’s GC! And they’re a Libra! But I think I will wait until I actually meet the trolls before confronting the characters to their signs.

GC: H3Y L4LOND3
GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3
GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R
GC: H3H3H3H >8D

WOW, FUCK YOU TOO?!?!?? LEET SPEAK. PLEASE LET ME DIE INSTEAD. I hate leet speak and plus I take five hours to read it! It gives me headache!

TT: Now I’m confused.
TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend.
TT: But John said you wanted to be friends.
TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement.
TT: And soon, rapport.
TT: Not that it would actually work.

Rose, what are you even saying. They just told you your mother hates you! You think they wanna be friend?!?!? But actually, I don’t think the trolls have this friendship thing really nailed down.

GC: GOD
GC: YOU R34LLY DO T4LK TOO MUCH

This is you guys when you read my posts.

TT: So which is it?
GC: OOOOOOOOOH
GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD
GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R

Rose wants, as always, to get to the point. GC suspiciously and swiftly veers off. Mmmmhhhh. Mmmmhhhh.

TT: You smell words?
GC: YOU DONT???
TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot.

Right. Aliens. I look forward to many, many more cultural misunderstanding.

GC: Y3S 1TS 34SY TO FORG3T
GC: G1V3N OUR "R4PPORT"
GC: 4ND HOW MUCH W3 R34LLY H4V3 1N COMMON
GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S
GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S
TT: Gross.

Forgive me if I quote Dave Strider but "ok now i know youre making this shit up ”

GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3
GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU
GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY >8]
TT: Still not sure if I’m being courted or trolled here.

Rose you’re becoming victim of the Dave Strider’s Syndrome! In which you think everyone and everything is flirting with you! I think that’s just their way of doing this, Rose. Like CG with screaming and insults.

GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R
GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK
GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R
GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON
TT: By later on, you mean now?
GC: Y34H
GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY WH4T JOHN W4S H34RING
GC: 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY
GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R
GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL

That sure earns you trust points, GC! Yes, keep on that rout! Perfect! And here is another that knows his name! When did John get so popular? He’s like the new Jade Harley in the trolls’s circles!

TT: Then you’re in luck.
TT: Because you don’t.
GC: H3H3 NO BUT 1 W1LL BE
GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL
GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD
GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3

CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.

Oh, NO. Now even the trolls are starting to reference each other. Forget John, I am the one who won’t survive this.

TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time.
TT: Was he gullible to believe this?
TT: Or is the fact that I’m asking just further indication of my own gullibility?
TT: Feel free to continue shifting the definition of the word to suit your convenience.
GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG
GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3
GC: 1F TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 OF US WHO D3C1D3D TO ST4RT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR 4DV3NTUR3 R1GHT OFF TH3 B4T
GC: 1NST34D OF 4T THE B3G1NN1NG L1K3 WH4TS LOG1C4L
GC: TH3N TH4TS TH31R STUP1D BUS1NESS

Ohhhhhh, CG! This one is calling you stupid!

GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R
GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE
GC: OH 4LSO 1TS PO1NTL3SS

Here we’ve got someone who is not a Time player. I sincerely hope CG is not the time player of their session! Otherwise they’re pretty doomed!

TT: Alright, let’s continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You’re the sensible one who’s decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out.
TT: How can you help me?
GC: YOU JUST 3NT3R3D YOUR M3D1UM R1GHT
TT: Yes.
GC: OK
GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS
TT: Yes.
TT: It’s not so subtle, actually.
GC: Y3S!!!!!!! >8O
GC: FOR M3 TOO 1T W4S MOR3 LOUD 4ND CL34R TH4N FOR TH3 OTH3RS
GC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R
TT: A beautiful soulgrudge this cosmic was surely authored by the constellations.

Yes, serendipity at its finest. You guys, stop the passive aggressive flirting. PLEASE.

GC: TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S CR4ZY

OH MY GOD. I can already imagine the scene. Like GC is shocked and appalled that nobody else seems to remember or even be aware of the voices and one time they decide to gather all the other trolls together to discuss it. And they begin talking like “R1GHT SO YOU R3M3MB3R 4BOUT THOS3 VO1CES 1N OUR H34DS 1 W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT” and everyone just sighs and throws worried glances at each other and CG goes all “NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN” while GA tries to be reasonable about it like “We Have All Been Through Some Arduous Times Lately But We Think You Really Need To Relax Before This Degenerates, GC.” and they all approach GC slowly and menacingly and GC panics and goes “W41T GUYS 1’M NOT CR4ZY” “WE DIDN’T SAY THAT. YOU ONLY NEED SOME REST.” “OH MY GOD, 1 C4N’T B3L13V3 TH1S” “uH, nOBODY HAS BEEN HEARING VOICES, iT WAS ALWAYS ONLY YOU ” “This Is Only For Your Own Good.” and they loom over CG to put them to sleep as GC screams “DON’T YOU D4R3 TOUCH M33333” “SHHH ONLY DREAMS NOW"—

………………….Please, someone stop me. Why do I keep doing this. Inventing scenarios. This is the plague of a fanfiction writer. I only post like the 30% of the things I come up with. Please, help. Oh, but I know why this is happening. I know. Because I like them. I like them all so far. Yes, even CG. Me liking CG is a fact. And the others too. The ones with one conversation. Them too. AT had me as they said "oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, and wHO’S CHARLIE, and GA had me as she made an attempt at human sarcasm but Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More and shyly asked Rose Why Dont We Be Friends . Me liking the trolls is a thing that is happening and I cannot deny. And I hope I like the others too. ç.ç

GC: BUT H4H4H4 1T TURN3D OUT W3 4LL W3R3 1N OUR OWN W4YS

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I AM LAUGHING SO HARD I WANT TO MEET THEM ALL CRAZY OR OTHERWISE

GC: TH4T H3LP3D US R34LIZ3 TH3 P4RTICUL4R D3ST1N13S THE G4M3 PUT TOG3TH3R FOR US
GC: 1N TH3 VOC4BUL4RY OF L1K3
GC: TH3 HYP3R FL3XIBL3 MYTHOLOGY 1T T41LORS TO 34CH PL4Y3R GROUP

Yeah, yeah. Every session is different because its players are different and the game is self-aware and adapt itself to the kids’ decisions. Most evident example: the prototyping process. They get to choose their enemies.

TT: You mean, for instance…
TT: If a player were to learn she was a "Seer”?

Breaking News: Rose IS aware of the fact that she is/will be a Seer.

GC: Y34H 3X4CTLY! S33R OF M1ND P4G3 OF BR34TH KN1GHT OF BLOOD M41D OF T1M3
GC: 3TC 3TC 3TC

WHOA WOAH WHOA IT’S RAINING KIDS’ ROLES. CALM THE FUCK DOWN DON’T DROP TITLES LIKE THAT.

Seer of Mind??!!!! That’s pretty freaking cool??!! And what do they do???!! Important question: can seers be males?? and can knights be females?? Seer of Mind. Like they can predict… Well, mind is pretty vague, it could mean tons of things but please consider the coolest possibility: Mind as intentions, opinions and decisions. And predicting others’ intentions is a pretty fucking powerful ability to have. If you know how to use it well, of course.

Page of Breath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should be a boy. Here is another with the Breath element! You all know what this mean?? That when I get to know this one troll I WILL CONFRONT HIM. WITH JOHN. SEARCHING FOR PATTERNS. B) ….Whatever it is that Breath Players do.

Knight of Blood??! That’s harsh! Out and seeking for grudges?? Are they violent or something?? Considering the Knight nature as loyal and a protector though, (Dave strikes me as a pretty loyal friend after all, Even if he tries to hide the fact that he cares for whatever reason. *cough* It’s BRO’s fault *cough* ) it could mean blood as family. As relationships. Aww, someone who wants to protect their loved onessss…. Well, opposite theories are opposite. Which one is it?

Maid of………………….JESUS CHRIST THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL PUN IN HISTORY. I REFUSE. TO SPECULATE. ON A PUN. ……Okay, I will do it. Well, Maid. (well-made why does anything regarding time players sound like a freaking pun) This one is a girl. This is interesting because what if the pun is more than just that. Like they are meant to representate the essense of the element. Like… the girl is LITERALLY TIME. She is Time and Time is her. You need some time, there she is. What?! I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I only know that this is one cool title.

GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: TH3 OBV1OUS W4Y 1S BY D1R3CTLY GU1DING YOUR 4CT1ONS
GC: BUT M4YB3 TH3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT W4YS 4R3 TH3S3 L1TTL3 TH1NGS TH3Y DO PROB4BLY W1THOUT 3V3N R34L1Z1NG 1T
GC: 4CT1ONS TH4T COMPL3T3 LOOPS 1N TH3 T1M3L1NE

Like how PM is delivering John’s copies to him?? Jade is helping all of the exiles to create loops though.

TT: And this voice?
GC: OH Y34H
GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3
TT: Exiled from what?
GC: 1T TOOK US FOR3V3R TO F1GUR3 TH1S OUT
GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3NT M34NT TO B3 4N OBV1OUS 4SP3CT OF TH3 G4M3
GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T
GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS
GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG

Oooooh, so the exiles will be… well, exiled right after the Earth has officially met its end. Good to know.

GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3
TT: Paradox space?
GC: OH H3LL
GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST
GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3
GC: G3T US3D TO 1T

I kind of noticed when Grandpa showed up alive on John’s Land when he was still very dead in Jade’s grand-foyer and when Jade ran Dave’s copies of Sburb on her computer as Dave stored them securely in his Sylladex. But thanks for the info, GC.

GC: BY NOW YOU SHOULD R34L1Z3 TH1S WHOL3 M3SS W4S 4 B1G S3LF FULLF1LL1NG CLUST3RFUCK
GC: A HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND

I dont’t know why, I never know why I find something hilarious. But this made me laugh for two minutes straight and gasp for breath. It’s definitely the fact that I read pesterlogs aloud though. You should try it. AND WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN, GC. I SWEAR TO GOD, ARE YOU JUST FUCKING WITH US.

TT: I’m starting to see that.
TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow?
GC: NO NO NO
GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T

1RON1C4LLY

I swear I just got a terrifying flashback to the times in which Dave would say the word irony or one of its derivatives every three words or so. I’m not even kidding.

GC: 4FT3R TH3YR3 DON3 H3LP1NG YOU TH4T 1S
GC: YOUR JOB 1S OF GR34T3R CONS3QU3NC3 TO S4Y TH3 L34ST
GC: BUT P4RT OF TH31R JOB 1S TO R3BU1LD L1F3 4ND C1V1L1Z4T1ON TH3R3
GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N

It sure is a shame that civilization on our planet won’t ever be rebuilt because AR and WV will duel to death over our lovely parcel mistress.

TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from?
GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG
GC: FORM3R 4G3NTS
TT: What are agents?
GC: 1 TH1NK
GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3
GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3
GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3
GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N SO MUCH
TT: When?
GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS
GC: FOR M3
GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU
GC: SUCK3R

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] –

OH MY GOD. JESUS. This one troll. They irradiate badassness. It pours through those very turquoise words. Shower me with Rose and GC interactions. BURY ME UNDER ROSE AND GC’S INTERACTIONS. DO IT.

They are also the only one even capable to troll so far. We got a troll that knows very well their way with trolling. But on our side you know who we have? An human who knows very well their way with trolling. Majestically well. He’s known as the human who got blocked by a troll. The human who draws comics and then purposefully sets their quality to low. The human whose name is Dave Strider. GC versus DAVE. PESTERLOG. MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW.

Meanwhile, the past pulls a mean double reacharound…

I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HECK THIS MEANS.

Please do NOT put John and Jade in the exact same position in the same page ever again as if I haven’t got enough crack theories already that haircut can’t be a coincidence it must be hereditary I swear Grandpa was made bald only so you couldn’t make the connection with John please stop this are they cousins tell me now

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D

We already saw this conversation and………..

GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!
GT: ok well i hope so.
GG: <3……
GG: uhhhh hold on

It got interrupted by a troll!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

OH FUCKING— THIS FUCKER. JUST GOT TO A PREVIOUS POINT TO BOTHER JADE! AAAAAUUUGHHH!

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON’T BLOCK ME.

HE SOUNDS SO DESPERATE I LOVE IT

CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.
CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.
GG: what do you want?????
CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I’LL GO.
CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.

This makes no effing sense—

GG: this is nonsense

Thanks, Jade. But why would Future Jade trust YOU with a message to her Past Self when she KNOWS she hated your guts. C'mon.

GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!

Jade, you don’t even know the half of it, we just ended a conversation with GC and between them and Rose they said the word gullible every three words, it was like a mystical experience. Like the only insult in their vocabulary, I swear.

GG: its so childish

Okay, but the thing about Jade Harley is that she doesn’t look like it but I swear she is the most mature. And she will call you out on your bullshit. If you cross the line she will do it. It doesn’t matter if you are her friend Dave that has been ranting about having to pee for three minutes straight or a troll full of himself who acts like a five years old child. She will do it. And it’s majestic.

CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.
CG: I GET THAT.
CG: AND I CAN’T PROMISE I WON’T KEEP TROLLING YOU.
CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.
CG: I’LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON’T BE PRESENT ME.
CG: THAT’S PAST ME.

……………

……………………IS THIS GUY FUCKING SERIOUS?!

CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?

Yeah. He’s changed now. He’s undergone this amazing tranformation and has left puberty to become this totally mature and strapping young man. Can’t you see that? He’s a whole new person now. WHOA, LIKE GUYS… THAT WAS HALF AN HOUR AGO, CAN’T YOU SEE HOW MUCH HE HAS MATURED NOW?! Besides… I still don’t see any apology, CG ;)

GG: D:
GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all…..
GG: its another prank
CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT’S A PRANK.
CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.
CG: SEE WE’RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT’S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON’T ANSWER US.
CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.
CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

Ehhhhh…….

GG: no

pLEASE APPRECIATE THE WONDERFUL BEING THAT IS JADE HARLEY. Also CG, I doubt you’ve informed the Maid of Time of this ridiculous system you’re using to communicate. She would be so disappointed.

CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.
CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?
GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?
GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???
CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.
CG: BUT THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT.
CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY.

OH JESUS CHRIST IT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HELLA MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE THE DREAMBOT MIMICS JADE’S EVERY MOVE!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE THERE WAS THAT HORRIBLE JADE’S DEATH FORESHADOWING BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IT THANKFULLY TURNED UP NOT TO BE WHAT I THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE NOW I SEE THE LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! BROUGHT BY A DUMB ANGRY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE JADE!!!!!!!!!

WON’T DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! But her clone on Prospit sure will, damn. This is a goddamn shrine. Made by Grandpa. Grandpa who already knows that his kid will die. Or at least experience death. And that’s why her ashes are not there to complete the picture. Because it’s not the real Jade dying (or blowing up I guess) but just the one on Prospit. I’ve been worried about this for five decades. So I’m not even sad about this. Because I thought it was Jade's— THE REAL ONE — death foreshadowing and I’m relieved. Plus it was necessary. In the name of character development. But I’ve already talked so much about this. And it looks like the only consequence will be a terribly upset Jade because she can’t be a seer anymore. But that is a thing that we already knew would have happened. And so Jade will have to say goodbye to her cute golden kingdom, to flying around on Prospit, and to chatting with the friendly locals who have kept her company since she was little and alone— OH, WOW. AND NOW I’M SAD. GREAT GOING, ME.

GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!!
CG: QUIET.
CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.
CG: AND WE’LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
GG: why should i do that?
CG: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.
CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON’T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.
CG: I’M OUT OF HERE.

But our Jade is a resourceful girl. Her waaay in the future self seems to be fine and dandy. She’s still making stable loops. Only she’s using the trolls now. Well, future now. And waaay less in the future Jade will receive instruction from the trolls and will know what to do. There, everything is fine. WAIT. DID CG SHUT JADE UP. HE DID! HE SAID “QUIET”. OH. MY. GOD. YOU DID IT, CG. YOU JUST DID IT! YOU ARE NOW AT THE BOTTOM OF MY FROM MOST TO LEAST LIKED TROLLS’ LIST. ….Again.

THERE HE IS. THERE HE FUCKING IS. WHERE IS MY INTRODUCTION I DON’T SEE ANY GIVE ME THE INTRODUCTION WHERE IS IT???!!!!??

Oh. It’s Jade. Again. Is this in the past, future, the timeless expanse of The Medium WHEN DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN. WHAT ARE WE WATCHING.

The package from your pen-pal appears again. You’ve been wondering when it was going to show up. It has been months since you last worked on it!

Hopefully your friend has made the final modifications you require. You’ll have to mail it soon so it reaches John in time!

Her friend??!! Pen-pal?????????? JADE. Okay but is she talking about one of the exiles…… I don’t know. She did refer to them as friends before. And yeah, they have a sendificator. And Jade sends letters to the exiles. It should be the fourth one. For a moment I thought it could be a member of the magical and mysterious eight players session. But I’m beginning to think what I saw in the Skaia Net laboratoy was really just a vision or something. WHEN WILL THEY EVEN START TO GET MENTIONED.

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] –

OOOOhhhh, It’s GC! Again! Look, everyone is happy when talking to GC, even Rose was smiling!

GC: H3H3
GT: uuuuugh
GC: H4H4H
GC: H3H3H3H3
GT: ?
GC: LOL!
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
GC: >:]

John doesn’t seem happy to hear from them, though. And GC is just… laughing. A lot.

GT: well
GT: i guess you’re not too bad a troll if this is all you do.
GT: just laughing and stuff.

It’s their first conversation!

GC: H33H33H33!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4
GT: hehe
GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GT: hehehehehehe

Incredible. Such affinity. What a complex and interesting dynamic that this pesterlog presents us. Serendipity strikes again.

GC: JOHN
GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL
GT: uh…
GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3
GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY
GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T
GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T
GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13

– gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] –

???? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ????? WHAT THE HELL ????? WHAT THE FUCK ???? WHERE DID THIS EVER COME FROM ????

And GC is a girl. Wow, I don’t care if she is trolling him, exaggerating, pranking, that was exceptionally disturbing. And so there she goes, on the bottom of my trolls’ list, outranking even CG. And to think she started off so well. Just under GA. I’m so disappointed. Also I don’t know if I believe her when she says she is blind. How is she writing and reading?? She could be using a speech-to-text function but I don’t think that works with leet speak. The thing going for her is that she never mentioned seeing, only hearing and smelling.

SHE MADE JOHN UPSET. THE DEED IS DONE. THE TROLL NOW HAS SO MUCH REDEEMING TO DO. SO MUCH.

You think it’s time to change your chumhandle.

Well, after people start making threats on your life, that may as well be the case.

WAIT. No….. I can’t believe this………..

YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY

3CTOB1OLOGY

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.

To what, though…

John, don’t do it.

Gotta be something they’ll never suspect. What was that thing she said you were a disgrace to?

OH MY GOD

JOHN, YOU’RE A DISGRACE IN ALL FIELDS!!!!!!!!! SCREW ECTOBIOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!! ALL FIELDS!!!!!!!!

Well, in some ridiculous way they would never suspect it. They would ever suspect that John would have been so stupid as to change his chumhandle to something a troll had just mentioned. So John would have been in the clear if the trolls hadn’t had access to “ENTIRE CONTINUUM OF YOUR EXISTENCE”.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD TROLLS INTRODUCTION NEARING AAAHHHHH

This one is… sharp. Sharp teeth, sharp shades, sharp horns. All sharp edges, this girl. And her hair is pretty neat compared to the abomination that is CG’s. I think he chops it off with a lawnmower when it gets too long or something.

> PM?: Follow the agent.

Now he is an agent?!! I thought AR was simply an inhabitant of the Dark Kingdom??

You have followed the AUTHORITY REGULATOR into enemy territory. It is a risky move and this dark palace makes you very uncomfortable. But it is imperative you press on and recover that parcel.

You have brought along a PARKING CITATION. If confronted, you will say you are only here to deliver payment and leave.

Clever. And she is so determined and brave. I blame Jade if something happens to PM. And yeah, we unraveled the mystery of how everyone is moving from kingdoms to planets. Transportalizers!

It’s Diamond Droog! Well, his alternate self or whatever. Ahhh, I missed him. And he is wearing cat ears on his head OH MY GOD. It’s because Rose prototyped Jaspers! Jack will be positively fuming. More than usual anyway.

You take a turn somewhere and find an especially regal looking red carpet. You wonder where it could possibly lead.

Ehhhh, I’ not sure following it might be the best course of action, PM. Let’s not draw attention.

OOOOH, FUCK. Too late! Oh, fuck. They are sitting on a throne I think. There is a red carpet. Is that the king or the queen…?

THE QUEEN. She doesn’t look very nice…. And missing arm, scarred eye. Like the harlequin John prototyped. And now tentacles, courtesy of our Rose Lalonde.

OH GOD. PM, you can always say you wanted to bring that parking citation, remember! Don’t lose your nerve! You are only facing the monarch of the kingdom that has declared war to youRS OH MY GOD RUN PLEASE RUN.

The BLACK QUEEN directs you to the office of the ARCHAGENT. He is in charge of most of the tedious paperwork around here.

That ring is probably important. It has three spheric thingies… Mmmhhh. (Or maybe four, but I checked in the other panel in which you could see it and it still showed only three.) ALSO ALL HAIL THE QUEEN. As Jack Noir lamented, she is a wise and just leader. I don’t want PM to meet Jack though. Absolutely not. ALSO JACK NOIR IS IN CHARGE OF THE PAPERWORK I’M GONNA CRY THAT IS THE ROLE OUR BIG SHOT HAS. I wonder if she was the one who assigned him the role. It reminds me starkly of Slick and Snowman. He probably hates her guts but can’t touch her because she is the universe/the queen of the kingdom. Poor guys. It’s their destiny. Being under the jurisdiction of powerful and badass ladies. Like… Jack probably has that “you are here forever” sign in his office that the Queen attached herself and Jack put photos of her all around it and uses the thing for target practice.

> Rose, I must leave now.

Who is leaving Rose alone and why would you do tha— Oh, wait. Fourth exile. Right.

This is the last you will hear from me.

Wow. Ominous much?? Where are they going??

Hey, that’s true! Where the heck did Jaspers go?? Did MOM kidnap him or something??

You return to a more typical mindset. You suddenly feel empowered to make important decisions on your own without supervision. Parental or otherwise.

As if she considered her mother an authority to respect before.

> Rose: Sip martini thoughtfully.

ROSE. I understand wanting to experience new things. BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE A LIGHTWEIGHT.

Such as this one.

Just a tiny sip couldn’t hurt…

ROSE IF YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE MORE GENDER-SAVY YOU WOULDN’T SAY THAT.

……Cue to Rose passed out on the ground. The other kids just got on her planet because she wasn’t answering any message. They stand in circle around her. John crosses his arms on his chest as he surveyes the situation. Dave looks unfazed but he hides guilty eyes under his shades. Jade is looking around and pouting because this is her first time on Rose’s planet and wow why is it so pretty and colorful Jade’s planet is so lame in comparision and the golden clouds remind her of Skaia and this is so unfair. John and Dave start arguing. “you were supposed to keep an eye on her!!” “dude i stopped looking at her for one second while trying to hatch my egg” “…what?” “its a long story”. But Jade shuts them up. She has an idea. Dave groans as he watches Jade slap Rose repeatedly across the face. Rose comes through. She squints at John, idly pointing at him. “I was in a very purple place. Your father was there. Also weird black creatures dressed up as harlequins cats.” John purses his lips and looks at the ocean, a solemn expression on his face. “it is too late. she is gone now.” “john you do know that she only needs time to sober u—"IT IS TOO LATE, JADE. IT IS TOO LATE."

…This is why I don’t liveblog at 2AM. This is way you don’t want me to liveblog at 2AM. And this is why I am stopping now.

> ==>

Will Rose follow her mother’s footsteps and get drunk?? Will she refuse the calling of the alcool?? As they say, better sober than sorry. No, wait. I just invented that. Yeah, nevermind. See ya in the next post!!

April 2015

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. (Which turned out not to be that important, after all.)