Hello to anyone reading this! Name’s Mary and I’m here to read a very popular webcomic called Homestuck. I know next to nothing about it other than the general plot and the fact that if I manage to get to at least Act 4 before the hiatus is finished I get 30€ (around 35 dollars) from my best friend. Yes, he is willing to pay me. Which can mean two very different things:
the webcomic fucking sucks but he somehow has become obsessed with it
it is really just as great as he says and the boy just wants me to read it
I chose to trust him and believe it’s the latter.
I guess I should clarify how much I do know about Homestuck:
it’s a webcomic (well, duh.)
it is very very long
there are flash animations, original music and minigames
it is on hiatus until 4/13
the beginning is apparently very slow
“IT GETS BETTER!!!!!!” (cit. my friend)
AND THAT’S ALL. Wait, that’s quite a lot actually.
Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A
number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of
INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to
program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness
for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like
to play GAMES sometimes.
What will you do?
Which summed up would be:
Your name is JOHN and you are a big nerd. Alright, jokes aside. Well, admitting they are terrible is already something. Oh God, I spot Con Air (hey, Nicolas Cage. Every movie with Nicolas Cage in it is cool) and Ghostbusters??! What’s wrong with Ghostbusters? I don’t understand. What’s the other one? I’ve not watched Con Air in years.
But PARANORMAL LORE? i totally approve, kid.
Several cakes? Isn’t one enough? Plus, it’s your birthday, John. You’re supposed to be throwing a party, not standing in your room all alone doing nothing.
You aren’t totally sure if “EQUIP” is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.
Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath
the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have
to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is
probably unadvisable, since you’d just make your room lousy with smoke!
Your SYLLADEX’S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a
STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures
and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.
But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.
Just watching the poor kid deal with this bullshit is getting me so frustrated. I also think those smoke pellets are gonna cause trouble. Still don’t understand how this is relevant to the story.
I detect a little bit of resentment toward John’s DAD. (It is capitalized so I will also capitalize it)
Even though he said and I quote “that the old man had really pulled through this time”, referring to his present. That means that he has not ‘pulled through’ other times… Mmmh, was he only talking about his birthday’s gift or…?
OKAY BUT WHY WAS TG SO EXCITED AND DID HE JUST FIND APPLE JUICE IN HIS CLOSET AND NOT QUESTION IT AT ALL?? 'MAN YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET'. DOES HE RANDOMLY FIND BEVERAGES HIDDEN IN HIS HOUSE? WHY AM I LAUGHING THIS IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL
The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It’s the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.
It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon’s faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.
Aaand this was kind of depressing. It wasn’t John thinking this, right? Because those are not and should not be the words of a thirteen years old kid.
“Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.” -Walt Whitman Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.
No, John. Those are the words of François de La Rochefoucauld. Stop quoting things if you do not know who said them.
You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can’t see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.
God he is so weird.
HOW MANY CAKES IS HE GONNA BAKE??!
SOMEONE STOP THIS MAN!
But you can see what’s on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD’S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be???
YES, THAT’S IT. TAKE IT JOHN! TAKE THE GODDAMN PACKAGE AND LET’S START PLAYING ALREADY!
Unfortunately, the window is locked.
I am trying to stay calm, I really am. It’s just
USE THE DAMNED DOOR AND GET IT OVER WITH
WHO CARES IF YOU MEET YOUR DAD??!!
WHO CARES IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE A FREAKY CLOWN I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT AT THIS POINT WHY IS JOHN SO SET ON AVOIDING HIM *takes deep breath* Please get it over with.